American Idol Semifinals: Week 2 (Results Show)

(NOTE: This is a copy of the email I sent to my friend who got me into watching this trash.)

Ok. Tonight’s group singalong may be the single worst musical atrocity ever aired on broadcast television. It makes the Star Wars Holiday Special look like the first Lollapoluzza.

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

Why the hell did you have to make me watch this crap? I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

But its good that I bring up Star Wars, because in what I will have nightmares about this evening, Jason Castro and Sanjaya 2.0 were on stage singing next to one another. Christ, this image is burned into my brain’s frontal cortex or something. But it then dawned on me that Jason Castro is the spitting image of a Gelfling from The Dark Crystal.

I am so glad I no longer have to see Jason Yeager every effing week. He creeped me the eff out.

Me: 1 for 1
You: 1 for 1

Oh, your little Kristy receives a stay of execution. Yes, Paula, its the beginning of the career being cut from the show. You can end up on Celebrity Rehab! I liked Alexandrea, but oh well, I’ll forget who the hell she is by 5pm tomorrow. You just can’t attempt the “ooooh ooh ooohhs.”

Me: 2 for 2
You: 2 for 2

(Btw, I think Carly is growing on me and I really want to hear Amanda do Melissa Etheridge.)

Oh, please, please, please let it be Alaina. Please, please, please. I love my sweet little Kady, although she looks like ass tonight. She has a better rack, too.

YES! YES! YES! Her ass looks huge, too, but props for saying she can’t sing. The last goddamn thing I would want to do after being booted in front of 20+ million people is sing. But her ass still looks huge. Oh shit, Paula’s gonna lose it. Can you imagine getting drunk with Paula? She’s a total drunk crier. OH SHIT. Sanjaya 2.0 is crying. LOVE IT. Oh wait, please no more group sing. I love fast forward. Whatever, she went for it, and Paula is standing without one hand on the table. Jesus christ, I hate this song. I’m only not fast forwarding b/c I like seeing Sanjaya 2.0 cry.

This show makes me a sadist.

Me: 3 for 3
You: 2 for 3

WOW. Robbie is gone. Neither you nor I called this one. Should we be sad? Nah, we’ll forget about him by next week, right? But people should really appreciate Foreigner’s contribution to pop rock of the late 70s-early 80s. Loverboy is just a cheap knockoff.

I win this week. You owe me drinks. BUT I STILL HATE YOU.

American Idol Semifinals: Week 2 (Women)

I’ve created an Idol drinking game, where you take a shot whenever Simon says “indulgent”. And take TWO SHOTS anytime anyone says “relevant.”

What I would have sung (if I had any vocal talent whatsoever and ended up on AI)
70s: Blondie’s One Way or Another
60s: Jefferson Airplane’s Somebody To Love (Trying to avoid ones that were done)

#1 Carly Smithson (aka Mick Overrated)
Bio: No way, she works at an Irish bar? Never would I have guessed…
I do love me some “Heart”. Do you think they had her go first b/c they’re so sure she will make it to the finals? I always wonder how they determine the order. Some of her scrunchy faces can get kind of annoying for some reason, but this isn’t a bad version of the song, and its a vast improvement over last week, but I am still not feeling her as the “girl they all have to beat”.
Paula’s Sage Wisdom: You can tell you love Heart.

1st Commercial (9 min)

#2 Syesha Mercado (aka Nadia Revisited)
Bio: DUANE, find me a big beautiful shell! Whoa. That baby cry was eerily real.
The beginning of Me & Mr. Jones seems a bit shaky, no? But she’s gaining some momentum as it goes along, although I find the rendition a bit dull. Regardless, I like Syesha, and she is safe for a long time if she keeps choosing song which allow her to hit some big notes.
Paula’s Sage Wisdom: I like it

#3 Brooke White (aka Herbal Essences)
Bio: She could sing while cutting hair. That could be a new salon gimmick.
Carly Simon is a good choice for her, b/c she has similar throaty vocals. But since it is “You’re So Vain”, you could infuse a little more anger, if that makes sense. LIke I never thought you were supposed to bounce around during the “clouds in my coffee” part. But overall, I enjoyed it. She could be a dark horse in the finals. She’s safe this week.
Paula’s Sage Wisdom: And everyone was digging it. I really loved it.

2nd Commercial (23 min)

#4 Ramiele Mataubay (aka Polly Philipino)
Bio: Hula dancing can also come in handy when stripping (can explain later)
Nice choice in speeding things up this week after last week. Keep em guessing. Decent, but I think she was too quiet on some of the notes, and the piece of hair in her eye, well, if that was me, that would have been driving me nuts the entire song. Could be vulnerable this week.
Paula’s Sage Wisdom: I feel like you didn’t get to perform your magic. / You’re right on, Ryan.

3rd Commercial (33 min)

#5 Kristy Lee Cook (aka Southern Fried Sacchrine)
Bio: That’s nice you enjoy being outside. What else were you supposed to do in Oklahoma? She is cuter in the hat, though.
Bouncy breasts can equal votes. But she needs to learn to bounce them without bobbing the head. It’s a skill. Better than that tripe last week. Her vocals were substantially better than before. Note: You’re no Good was during Linda Rondstadt’s country phase.
Paula’s Sage Wisdom: Fit in the pocket.

4th Commercial (43 min)

#6 Amanda Overmyer (aka Biker Hair)
Bio: She reads. But hopefully not while riding the Harley
Oooh, a few slip ups in the beginning, looks like she gets a bit confused at some points. I still can’t believe she’s 23. Looks a bit hard, ya know? Oh, there’s part of the guitar solo where I had to do my flag solo for competition (random Me info). Trademark yell. I applaud her desire to present something different, but it was not a good song choice. She may be in trouble.
Paula’s Sage Wisdom: You got some moves. You can dance.

5th Commercial (53 min)

#7 Alaina Whitaker (aka Over(it)wood)
Bio: Strange food habits. Actually, my brother-in-law also has a phobia of this and right now, he has probably declared her his favorite.
I hate this song in so many ways. She still looks way too much like Carrie Underwood. Picked up a bit in the middle, but in all actuality,
there is not a lot you can do with this song. She could be gone.
Paula’s Sage Wisdom: I forget how young you are and how mature you are at the same time (followed by unidentifiable gibberish)

6th Commercial (62 min)

#8 Alexandrea Lushington (aka Lil Funky Tomboy)
Bio: Playing up the dead firefighter father angle AND signing at Ground Zero. Good marketing
First off, I love this song. Have you ever seen the movie Three Kings? It’s one of my all-time favorites. Great use of this song in that movie. I like the fact she’s doing something kind of different, but if you’re gonna sing this, you have to really NAIL the “oooh oh oooohs”. May sabotage her, but maybe her bio will help persuade voters. I still like this kid. I really, really do.
Paula’s Sage Wisdom: I’ve always said you’re relevant.

#9 Kady Malloy (aka The Girl I Like Who Surprisingly Doesn’t Embody Everything I Hate)
Bio: Once again, I feel as if I am growing as a person because I love this girl. She’s a hot little blonde and I typically hate them, but I LOVE HER. She’s gorgeous and super talented.
Kick up the Heart a notch. I’ve always wanted to be able to sing Heart. She’s hot, too, and I think she’s got a brain and stuff knocking around in there. I almost want to make out (like in the what chicks do in college to impress guys at a bar sort of way) with her, except I think she’s like 17. I don’t care what the judges say! I LOVE KADY!! Wait…how has Simon never heard Magic Man before? I think they’re way too hard on her, to be honest, I think she’s exploring different music and having fun, why does she need to “define” herself when they get thrown with different genres/eras every week?
Paula’s Sage Wisdom: I think you have many hidden talents.

7th Commercial (77 min)

#10 Asia’h Epperson (aka I’m still thinking)
Bio: Bring it on, cheergirl.
I do not like this song for her, plus, its just a completely depressing song which should have been retired after Bridget Jones’
Diary. But she did get to display some power vocals, but I enjoyed last week’s performance from her much more. This didn’t do much for me
whatsoever.
Paula’s Sage Wisdom: The ending is what counts.

Disappointing, as I could not think of as many clever nicknames and Paula’s Sage Wisdom is so much better when she’s judging the men.

Top 6 (Women)
1) Carly Smithson (was the best tonight, to be honest)
2) Brooke White
3) Syesha Mercado
4) Kady Malloy
5) Ravioli Matulby (Polly Phillipino)
6) Asia’h Epperson

Gone: Alaina Whitaker & Amanda Overmyer or Alesandra Lushington

American Idol Semifinals: Week 2 (Men)

Oh wow, “Ricky and the band”…I never knew the band members had actual names!! Ending with Homo Squeak, I see, already trying to capitalize on his “supreme dominance”. Oooh, I had no idea how much I’ve been longing to see Sanjaya 2.0 perform.

#1 Michael Johns (Sexy Aussie)
Sometimes a little Fleetwood Mac can be a good thing (but I can never not hear them and not think of Stevie Nicks getting coke blown up her ass), when you’re a Sexy Aussie in a t-shirt with non-threatening smoldering looks. Oh wow, I so want another beer. Has the disservice of going first, but with his sexy Aussiness, he will be safe. Doesn’t matter, really, where you put him, he’s in the finals. I love it when
you can tell Paula wants to bang one of them. I agree, it was “coasting along”, but he’s safe. Why not save it up for the finals when it matters?

1st Commercial (7 min)

#2 Jason Castro (aka Dreads Spiccoli)
Ok. Got the Cpt & Diet Pepsi. He’s still got the guitar, which is a nice twist to the Bee Gees. Missed most of it from drink mixing, but I am not offended and still think he is safe. Do agree that he will be weaker without the guitar. Not a great performance, but yeah, he’s got to lose the guitar…Shit, Paula wants to bang him, too. This woman is IN HEAT!! But yeah, if he continues to use the guitar, its going to be a gimmick and in order to shine, er be VULNERABLE (my favorite word), he’s gotta lose it.

#3 Luke Menard (aka Adorable Puppy / Sacrificial Lamb)
The whole a capella thing just ruins it for me. But he’s so damn cute. And doing Freddie Mercury may just be a way for him to show off his sweet soprano and sneak is way into the Top 12. And he’s more sexy than cute this week, a little tussle of the hair, didn’t shave this morning, trying to look dangerous. Danger a capella dude! Is it just me, or is Paula rubbing her legs together underneath the table in a cougar mating call?

2nd Commercial (20 min) You can’t get to me now, evil advertising man, I have a Cpt & Diet Pepsi and am sitting here typing on my Macbook Pro (which is still perfectly fine even with those new additions that were released today)

#4 Robbie Carrico (aka Rocker Caleco)
Yes you drag race cars. You are a rocker. Prove it, bitch, prove it! You’re not just S Club 7 or whatever the hell you were, you’re a rocker!! OMG, He’s doing Foreigner. I have a secret love for Foreigner, but I would have sworn this song was from 1982 (Checked and it was 1978)? Lemme check. Christ, I love Foreigner. He gets my vote for being talented Bucky AND doing FOREIGNER. Ok. Quit telling him he’s not ROCK. Why do you want him to sing Enrique Iglesias’ HERO??? Here comes Paula, Look. She totally rubbed her legs together when she was talking to him. Cicada Abdul Mating Call!!

3rd Commercial (30 min) My excitement is building for SANJAYA 2.0….Ooooh, what is he going to sing? Please have it be Donna Summer’s Last Chance.

#5 Danny Noriega (aka Sanjaya 2.0)
He was in a PUNK BAND in the 9TH GRADE!!! OMG, and look at his bandmate (cough, fag hag). Do you think they did Sum 41 covers? Oh wow, he reflects upon it by saying “just a rebellious kids playing instruments”. Wow. If I was that self-actualized when I was 17, I would have been AWESOME. Ha. OMG. He is doing SUPERSTAR. EVEN BETTER than Donna Summer. Love it. Love it. He’s so terrible. I love it. Will you make a poster of him for my room??? PLEASE!!! Paula is not rubbing her legs for him, but Simon may be. I love it how Paula can’t get up without stabilizing herself. It’s awesome.

4th Commercial (40 min)

#6 David Hernandez (aka Gym Mirror Dude)
Oh, no way. You were in gymnastics. Come to think about it, yeah, I can totally see that. He has the gymnastics body. Grand Cayman Olympics? That’s cool, but it is a small island…ok, onto performance. Oh, he’s shaking it up a bit. A little Gladys Knight, I think? No? He may be setting himself apart this week. Will survive another round. And Paula is back to rubbing her legs in the Abdul Mating Call. I love it when Simon says something is the “best vocal of the night” and its followed by the “best vocal of the night”. Doesn’t
that always happen?

5th Commercial (49 min) Couldn’t have gone for a full 10min this time??

#7 Jason Yeager (aka Forgettable Boy)
Vocals aren’t bad, safe, but nothing about him ever stands out. Do you agree? And his facial expressions are beginning to grate on me, reminds me of this guy I went on a few dates with who was way too eager. That’s it! His expressions are too EAGER. He’s a eager yeager. He’s gone.

6th Commercial (59 min)

#8 Chikeize (aka Chikeize-E)
No pimp suit, just polo. I figured he was Nigerian, seriously. I’m all cultured and shit. Ha. I like him for some reason. I like him in the way that like, if I was religious or something, I would want to see him sing in church. But he’s a lot better this week. I’m digging it. He could stick around for another round.

#9 David Cook (aka I’ll figure it out later if he sticks around)
I dig the crossword puzzle thing. I love them. Mike Mussina (Yankees pitcher, graduated from Stanford with an Econ degree, is obsessed, so hot), therefore he’s the hottest baseball player around (don’t dig jocks). Glad he’s gotten rid of the red faux hawk-ish thing. I’m already getting bored with 70s songs. Weren’t there other ones people could have done. But the guitar is a nice touch for this one. When it comes down to it, I do enjoy the occasional addition of instruments this season. He’s safe. But crosswords can be charisma, Simon, oh, yes, they can be.

7th Commercial (I may have forgotten one, but I’ve been drinking and IM-ing. Wait. I have not. I just numbered wrong!)

#10 David Archuleta (aka The Second Coming)
Why are they riding his nutsack so bad? He’s wearing pleather, too. Randy is rubbing his legs together for him. Paula has just admitted she wants to mate with him as female locusts mate with male locusts. No, really, help me. My loins are not quivering for this kid. I don’t think it worked. Imagine is one of those songs that just shouldn’t be done, ya know? I’ll listen to it again, but no, I just don’t get it. Really. Help me! Yeah, he can sing, but I’m not blown away. I want goosebumps. No goosebumps. (Watching again). Still no goosebumps. Nice, but, I don’t know. He’s not for me. One more time…DANGLE YOU FROM MY REARVIEW MIRROR??? Is he a VANILLAFUCKINGROMA?

Conclusion:
Yeager is as good as gone. Luke may be gone, but I don’t think so. I want to think Chikeize is safe. Hmmm, could be interesting.

American Idol Semifinals: Week 1 (Men)

MY AWESOME EXPERT AMERICAN IDOL RECAP!! (The very first one. This is where it all started…)

Is Ryan Seacrest wearing a button-down?
The annoying men’s designer t-shirt-with-indiscernible-symbols-emblazoned-across-the-torso
industry is plummeting as we speak!

David Hernandez — The final big note combo thingey blew. It was pitchy. Boring, boring, boring. Falling asleep. Brought back memories of watching Star Search with my mother when I was nothing but a young lass. And I’m glad Ryan likes to interpret the contestants’ innermost thoughts and feelings.

Chikizie — Um, ok. So why is it if you’re a black person on Idol and not stick thin, is it necessary to drop your last name? Started rough, but who cares when you’re wearing the MOST AWESOME RED SUIT EVER. Oh, and his parents are so cute.

2nd Commercial break…tallying commercials…20 minutes in and 2 commercial breaks. I feel the overwhelming urge to go buy a Diet Coke.

David Cook — I like him even though his I sometimes felt he was raping me with his eyes, even though he has no idea who the hell I am. Much like Constantine. Oh, Randy, stop calling people dog, or dawg, just go work it out. I want Paula’s drugs. I think they would make me think nice things about everyone and everything. Oooh, daisies and kittens and I like you. I like everyone. I like hearts and flowers and rainbows and MC Scat Cat.

3rd Commercial!! Where is my Coke?

Jason Yeager — Uh, how old was he when he had his son, b/c that kid is almost hitting puberty. I love Moon River, but this arrangement blows and I think some of the notes are out of tune? I have no clue, b/c I can’t sing. Now he’s talking about his grandmother…bonus points! Except if you’re that guy who sang Copacabana a couple of years ago in that crazy white pimp suit. Think he may go home, just have a feeling.

4th Commercial!!! WTF?? 41 minutes and 4 commercial breaks.

Robbie Carrico — Oh Bret Michaels, they let you off VH1!! I kid but I already like this guy b/c he brings back memories of Bo Bice. Kind of, not quite, but sort of. And I loved Bo Bice. I am already hoping for him b/c he is wearing a chain. I like people who wear chains to American Idol. Oh, Simon, stop telling people they can’t be rock & roll. You’re the man responsible for Il Divo. No one should ever want to be Il Divo.

David Archuleta – Yet another David. If this kid is not openly gay, well, he just sang What a Feeling...that’s gotta be like coming out, right? A 17-year-old boy referencing Irene Cara. Oooh, his voice cracked right before the end. Kind of like Peter Brady in that big Brady Bunch episode about when its time to change, you have to rearrange. I love it when Paula gets all soulful and spiritual. Am I the only one who heard his voice crack? Hmmm…wonder if this kid will go top 5. And he is wearing Ryan’s t-shirt.

5th Commercial. Yummy Coca Cola. Is Sanjaya up next? AWESOME!!! Give me my Sanjaya Version 2.0. The other one was just beta.

Sanjaya 2.0 — His hairstyle only works on straight Japanese men. Oops, I guess his name is Danny Noriega. That would be cool if he was related to Manuel Noriega, who, according to Wikipedia, is also gay. I never knew that, did you? He has also recently accepted Jesus Christ as his lord and savior. Okay, back to Sanjaya 2.0. He stuck out his lower lip during Simon’s commentary. Stuck out his lower lip. This kid is dreadful!!! He must stay!!! This guy is a horrible little bitch. He’s unbelievable. I hate him, yet cannot turn away. I want to smack this kid’s bitch up, yet he will keep me watching this show.

6th Commercial. Christ, the only way I want to get a Coke is by driving my brand new Ford station wagon.

Luke Menard — He is kind of cute, married, but still cute. How come people are waving their hands back and forth in the audience? I think I hate the arrangements, maybe that’s it. I don’t know about that last note, ugh. I bided my time trying to remember what movie that song was in. Sunshine and California highways or something, I remember that part. Oh, Luke, so earnest and cute. You are probably going home.

Colton Berry — The anti-Sanjaya 2.0, I like this kid for some reason because he seems nice and self-depreciating. And he’s doing Elvis’ Suspicious Minds, which is probably my favorite Elvis song (next to In The Ghetto, of course). He’s harmless, probably won’t make it to finals. In fact, he’s probably gone.

7th Commercial. Is Peter Frampton coming up next? Drawn into Vitamin Water commercial with Kelly Clarkson and did not immediately succumb to power of Tivo.

Garrett Haley — Yup. Called the whole Peter Frampton thing. On 70s night, he really has to do Baby I Love Your Way. He hasn’t started singing yet, but I like him, he seems like such a sweet little kid. And you can see the tiniest little moustache forming. I want this kid to kill Sanjaya 2.0, too, b/c he’s so nice. And I have a feeling Sanjaya 2.0 could send anyone living in close quarters over the edge. Oh, I want Garrett to make the finals, he’s so sweet. Bad, Simon, bad!! Don’t be mean to the sweet little kid. (This is why I hate this show, because it fills me with hatred yet I also feel extreme sympathy for some.)

8th Commercial. I’m now just doing this to annoy you.

Jason Castro — Dreads are good. Have you noticed I tend to root for anyone who looks “un-Idol-like”? And I like that he has his guitar. Me likey. This guy is definite Top 5.

Final Commercial. Diet Coke Plus scares me. I wonder if it tastes the same. I cannot bring myself to buy one.

Michael Johns — Saving the hot Australian dude for last. He could capitalize on Heath Ledger withdrawal. But I’ve pegged this guy as one of the top ones from the get-go. Morrison scarf is a nice touch. Appeals to young girls and their mothers, and everyone in between. Yeah, Top 3. (Bonus: Michael Hutchence comparison! Let Michael Johns bring back all the Australian sex symbols who died too young!)