MY AWESOME EXPERT AMERICAN IDOL RECAP!! (The very first one. This is where it all started…)
Is Ryan Seacrest wearing a button-down?
The annoying men’s designer t-shirt-with-indiscernible-symbols-emblazoned-across-the-torso
industry is plummeting as we speak!
David Hernandez — The final big note combo thingey blew. It was pitchy. Boring, boring, boring. Falling asleep. Brought back memories of watching Star Search with my mother when I was nothing but a young lass. And I’m glad Ryan likes to interpret the contestants’ innermost thoughts and feelings.
Chikizie — Um, ok. So why is it if you’re a black person on Idol and not stick thin, is it necessary to drop your last name? Started rough, but who cares when you’re wearing the MOST AWESOME RED SUIT EVER. Oh, and his parents are so cute.
2nd Commercial break…tallying commercials…20 minutes in and 2 commercial breaks. I feel the overwhelming urge to go buy a Diet Coke.
David Cook — I like him even though his I sometimes felt he was raping me with his eyes, even though he has no idea who the hell I am. Much like Constantine. Oh, Randy, stop calling people dog, or dawg, just go work it out. I want Paula’s drugs. I think they would make me think nice things about everyone and everything. Oooh, daisies and kittens and I like you. I like everyone. I like hearts and flowers and rainbows and MC Scat Cat.
3rd Commercial!! Where is my Coke?
Jason Yeager — Uh, how old was he when he had his son, b/c that kid is almost hitting puberty. I love Moon River, but this arrangement blows and I think some of the notes are out of tune? I have no clue, b/c I can’t sing. Now he’s talking about his grandmother…bonus points! Except if you’re that guy who sang Copacabana a couple of years ago in that crazy white pimp suit. Think he may go home, just have a feeling.
4th Commercial!!! WTF?? 41 minutes and 4 commercial breaks.
Robbie Carrico — Oh Bret Michaels, they let you off VH1!! I kid but I already like this guy b/c he brings back memories of Bo Bice. Kind of, not quite, but sort of. And I loved Bo Bice. I am already hoping for him b/c he is wearing a chain. I like people who wear chains to American Idol. Oh, Simon, stop telling people they can’t be rock & roll. You’re the man responsible for Il Divo. No one should ever want to be Il Divo.
David Archuleta – Yet another David. If this kid is not openly gay, well, he just sang What a Feeling...that’s gotta be like coming out, right? A 17-year-old boy referencing Irene Cara. Oooh, his voice cracked right before the end. Kind of like Peter Brady in that big Brady Bunch episode about when its time to change, you have to rearrange. I love it when Paula gets all soulful and spiritual. Am I the only one who heard his voice crack? Hmmm…wonder if this kid will go top 5. And he is wearing Ryan’s t-shirt.
5th Commercial. Yummy Coca Cola. Is Sanjaya up next? AWESOME!!! Give me my Sanjaya Version 2.0. The other one was just beta.
Sanjaya 2.0 — His hairstyle only works on straight Japanese men. Oops, I guess his name is Danny Noriega. That would be cool if he was related to Manuel Noriega, who, according to Wikipedia, is also gay. I never knew that, did you? He has also recently accepted Jesus Christ as his lord and savior. Okay, back to Sanjaya 2.0. He stuck out his lower lip during Simon’s commentary. Stuck out his lower lip. This kid is dreadful!!! He must stay!!! This guy is a horrible little bitch. He’s unbelievable. I hate him, yet cannot turn away. I want to smack this kid’s bitch up, yet he will keep me watching this show.
6th Commercial. Christ, the only way I want to get a Coke is by driving my brand new Ford station wagon.
Luke Menard — He is kind of cute, married, but still cute. How come people are waving their hands back and forth in the audience? I think I hate the arrangements, maybe that’s it. I don’t know about that last note, ugh. I bided my time trying to remember what movie that song was in. Sunshine and California highways or something, I remember that part. Oh, Luke, so earnest and cute. You are probably going home.
Colton Berry — The anti-Sanjaya 2.0, I like this kid for some reason because he seems nice and self-depreciating. And he’s doing Elvis’ Suspicious Minds, which is probably my favorite Elvis song (next to In The Ghetto, of course). He’s harmless, probably won’t make it to finals. In fact, he’s probably gone.
7th Commercial. Is Peter Frampton coming up next? Drawn into Vitamin Water commercial with Kelly Clarkson and did not immediately succumb to power of Tivo.
Garrett Haley — Yup. Called the whole Peter Frampton thing. On 70s night, he really has to do Baby I Love Your Way. He hasn’t started singing yet, but I like him, he seems like such a sweet little kid. And you can see the tiniest little moustache forming. I want this kid to kill Sanjaya 2.0, too, b/c he’s so nice. And I have a feeling Sanjaya 2.0 could send anyone living in close quarters over the edge. Oh, I want Garrett to make the finals, he’s so sweet. Bad, Simon, bad!! Don’t be mean to the sweet little kid. (This is why I hate this show, because it fills me with hatred yet I also feel extreme sympathy for some.)
8th Commercial. I’m now just doing this to annoy you.
Jason Castro — Dreads are good. Have you noticed I tend to root for anyone who looks “un-Idol-like”? And I like that he has his guitar. Me likey. This guy is definite Top 5.
Final Commercial. Diet Coke Plus scares me. I wonder if it tastes the same. I cannot bring myself to buy one.
Michael Johns — Saving the hot Australian dude for last. He could capitalize on Heath Ledger withdrawal. But I’ve pegged this guy as one of the top ones from the get-go. Morrison scarf is a nice touch. Appeals to young girls and their mothers, and everyone in between. Yeah, Top 3. (Bonus: Michael Hutchence comparison! Let Michael Johns bring back all the Australian sex symbols who died too young!)
