David Archuleta’s Alleged Prom Date

Last month, MTV interviewed David Archuleta’s would-be prom date. Yeah, color me older & wiser, but I’m not sensing any real “romance” going on over there. Granted, they do live in Utah and I’m not sure what adults do there, let alone teenagers. I also thought The Lil’ Lip Licker went to home school, mainly based upon his before-song interviews.

In any case, I feel like I really KNOW David Archuleta after seeing this in-depth piece about his personal life by those who know him best. According to this young Kelly Clarkson doppelganger, The Chosen One is all into cheese, Thai food and the movie Rat Race. But I’m digging the girl standing next to the alleged prom date, the one in red who just had her hair done all purty. She just kind of stands there and laughs & nods at everything that is said. You know she just wanted to be on MTV. Can’t really blame her, I guess. I would probably want to be on MTV in some capacity if I was 16. And being the friend of the “friend” of some American Idol contestant isn’t exactly humiliating in the long-run. There are worse things a person can do to get on MTV. Just look at The Real World Las Vegas’ Trashelle. And you know all those silly kids who scream about how awesome some chubby rich little twit is just to get on My Super Sweet Sixteen are going to have to live with how stupid they looked kissing chubby rich ass in the hopes of being popular for the rest of their lives.

I Love Eastern European Idol

No really, I do. And they have their own versions of Idol infinitely more entertaning than anything we have here. But I didn’t even think about the fact some version of American Idol is now aired in nearly every country until my friends in Croatia informed me of this fact. (Because honestly, before I got sucked into this inanity, I didn’t really think about American Idol much at all.) When I looked up videos of Hrvatski Idol on YouTube, I sent them to my Croatian friend Bartica and she replied something like “No, no, no. Stop watching. You will damage brain.”

This Croatian guy is awesome. And luckily, the video is under 40 seconds so I don’t think it did much damage. I think he was drinking with friends and they just happened to find out auditions were next door and thought, oh, we should go try out. That stuff totally happens, for instance, recently a friend and I ended up crashing a sorority party because we saw a line forming next door to a bar we were at. There was a punch bowl and pledges passing around chocolate-covered strawberries and petit fours. I should mention I am 30 and my friend is 34, but you know, we wondered what was going on next door. I’m sure that’s how this guy ended up trying out for Hrvatski Idol.

It’s nice that chicks sing G’N'R, too. Like in Hungary. This chick sings Paradise City, and while it’s not exactly a musical spectacular, Gabriella Toth’s resemblance to Ashlee Simpson is uncanny, especially since she’s actually singing. I would like to have Axl Rose be one of those Idol coaches. That would be incredible. I think he would end up trying to fight Jason Castro just because he would start halucinating and think it was Slash. Like you just know when Axl brawled with Tommy Hilfiger, it was likely because he confused him for Duff.

Everyone has already seen the priceless “Ken Lee” clip from Bulgaria’s Music Idol. Luckily, she got so popular they brought her back to perform the entire song! I love Valentina Hasan. They really need to put her on the season finale of American Idol. Regardless of what anyone says, she still speaks English better than Kellie Pickler. I also love the Bulgarians’ attention to detail, even if they really do need a bigger stage. Check out the Paula judge! She looks like Paula…but better AND much more lucid. They also have a big white bald guy and I bet that’s the “Randy”, which is probably pretty accurate because you know when Randy Jackson stares at himself in the mirror, he sees a big bald white dawg staring back at him.

This Czech guy almost sounds and looks like Jon Bon Jovi, especially if you were really drunk in a bar where a Bon Jovi tribute band was playing. I bet 7 / 10 times that guy takes a drunk chick home, she’s like “sing Livin’ On A Prayer for me.”

American Idol Top 10: I think I may have shed a tiny tear

America is kind of racist.

I do not like watching Idol results shows. Even with the fast forward, I’m always THIS close to pouring myself a Bordeaux glass filled with Liquid Plumber by the middle of the group sing. Watching the group singalong makes me wonder if I truly am a sadist.

Yeah, funny how some conniving little blond sings God Bless The USA the same week as the tannest minorities end up in the bottom 3. And yeah, keeping the brother man down, making Chikieze go take his seat on the stools first (They should at least give the Bottom 3 more comfortable seating). And then Syesha (undeservedly) takes her place next to him. You know Kristy Lee is shouting “White Power!” while she waits backstage. Well, I’m assuming Thai Working Girl is gonna be there, too, because well, she was ridiculously bad last night AND she went first.

I actually am warming towards Carly tonight. The whole fat-or-pregnant thing is a slippery slope and you just don’t go there unless you know a person is, indeed, pregnant. Some people aren’t stick thin and chicks retain water at certain times of the month, not everyone has one of those “baby bumps”. Anyway, she mustered up a bit of likable enthusiasm after being told she was safe and I feel bad the gal got called pregnant. Sure, she might not have the greatest body and has to deal with the fact her mother is a complete MILF, but don’t call the girl pregnant. That just ain’t cool.

The Ford commercial will not be commented upon, except to say I just chugged the Liquid Plumber and followed with a shot of Windex, which I did like tequila except I sprinkled Comet on my hand, licked it and then sucked on a Brillo pad after shooting it.

This Q&A crap needs to stop. Uh, ok, Ryan, you brought “everyone back to the couch” for it. No you didn’t. Everyone knows that stuff (and the performance) is pre-recorded before the episode. Sure, America may be stupid enough to salivate at David Archuleta but they’re not THAT dumb. And for the 3 girls who wanted to ask the Creepy Child to prom, first off, you’re sooooo lame and second, a “dream prom date” has to at least be able to buy you those three fraking bottles of Boone’s you’re gonna eventually throw up in that rented limo.

Brooke White, I was on the fence about you but I’ve decided I hate you. A duet with JOHN MAYER?? Thanks for proving you have nary a shred of artistic vision, but you are also devoid of a soul. I hope your body is a wonderland…IN HELL!!!

The only reason I know who Kimberley Locke is is because I watch Celebrity Fit Club. Whatever. It’s better than Deal or No Deal or Wife Swap, and compared to The Bachelor, it’s PBS’ American Experience. They should mention that’s how she lost the 40 pounds and how after filming, she started getting busy with Harvey, the “drill sargent” on the show. I have no idea what she sang nor do I care. And even if she’s thinner than before, she really needs to be more aware of how there are certain things that are supposed to “pop” at the top of a strapless dress and there is other stuff that is not supposed to be hanging out. Not all “cleavage” is good cleavage.

(I swear I’m not this superficial…but what else am I supposed to do when I don’t actually want to listen to any of the music or continuous iTunes/iPhone pimping?)

Ooooh Constantine is in the audience. Because of my new high-definition television, his gaze was more realistic and back-of-throat- vomit inducing. I wonder if I should go to my doctor tomorrow and be tested several “social diseases”. Constantine turns HD into VD every time.

Has anyone pointed out Sanjaya 2.0 (Danny N.) and Stripper Dave sitting behind Simon?

Now if Bono helps with this Idol Gives Back crap, maybe they should work harder into getting him to be one of those “special guests”. (I do like me some Dolly Parton because well, my father loves Dolly and while I like her for different reasons, you still gotta give props to Dolly.) It would be interesting to see Bono work with these people. An all U2 episode might be really…cool? I can already call some of the songs…Aryan Sunshine would totally piano-ize With or Without You, Syesha could do One (a la Mary J. Blige), David Cook could do Sunday Bloody Sunday, maybe Stoner Jason could do All I Want Is You. And I’m sure David Archuleta would do horrible Christian pop things to Beautiful Day or Angel of Harlem complete with lip licking and facial expressions he learned during the section on emotive exercises in that junior high drama class. And him and Kristy Lee would probably be like, “I wasn’t really familiar with any of U2’s music, so I chose this song because I really liked the title.”

I digress…

Uh…ok. Thai Working Girl is NOT in the bottom 3? I was worried about Jason Castro ending up there, though, that Dial Idol stuff is surprisingly accurate this week. Really gay men are voting for Tranny Thai Hooker girl because she’s Sanjaya 2.0’s fruit fly. Really really really really gay men are the only adults who regularly vote for Idol (besides family members of contestants) and this turn of events adds even more evidence to my hypothesis.

Can Kristy Lee still be considered the “hot chick” with these last 2 wardrobe choices? I’m not even bringing up her utterly conniving song choice and going to base this entirely on fashion sense. That little white trash daughter of the Confederacy should maybe take advantage of the American Idol stylists and stop shopping at Reba eff-ing McEntire’s garage sales. Sweetheart you’re 24. Dress like you’re 24.

I know Chikieze is totally going to be the one to go and this makes me sad, because he makes me smile and Muy Tiny Tranny Thai Working Girl should be going home. I WANT her to go home. Like its not going to be all bad for her. She can go do third-rate house music with Sanjaya 2.0 and they can tour gay dance clubs all over the nation. She belongs in the one place where she can be FIERCE & FABULOUS. And it ain’t here.

Chikieze is going home and if I will ever shed an almost tear for this show, it’s gonna be now. And Mrs. Eze! I love you Mrs. Eze!

American Idol Top 10: Too Much Eunuch, Not Enough Keytar

(FYI, “fraking” and “President Roslin” are Battlestar Galactica references. If you don’t already watch this masterpiece of a TV show, get on it. The 4th and final season starts on Friday, April 4th.)

#1 Muy Tiny Tranny Thai (1987)
(Yeah, she’s Filipinio and that’s not the same thing, but it’s funnier when I feign ignorance about Asian cultures.)
I’m glad she’s going first b/c that may also mean she’ll go bye-bye. Why is she doing Alone? This chick takes every tired Idol song done before (somewhat memorably) by past contestants. Ok. Um, is the sound on HD different, too? Because this is really FRAKING rough. The arrangement sucked, too. Man up little Asian girl. You’re on American Idol and it don’t matter if your tiny ass is sick. Simon thought this was better than last week?

#2 Stoner Jason (1986)
I love this kid. And his brother had a KEYTAR!!! I wish my family lived next door to the Castros.)
I am probably going to like whatever this guy does, to be honest, so it’s sort of stupid to give a critique. It wasn’t different, but he was good and fact of the matter is, he’s not going anywhere for a very long time (and it’s his birthday, which would just be cruel). Even his “bad” weeks aren’t bad compared to the rest of the lot. I want him to bust out the Ray [Lamontange] because it would perfect.

#3 Please-No-More-Whitney (1987)
(If a person is worried about having an ugly child, they just need to cross-pollenate with another race. I think that’s a guarantee of having a gorgeous offspring)
Is this a Whitney Houston song? If I Was Your Woman? It seems to have been originally done by Gladys Knight and the Pips. I like her voice, but I was a little bit bored. Nothing I haven’t seen before, but good. But I guess most of this show is stuff…I’ve…seen…before. But I’m glad Syesha has stepped up her game the last two weeks because I like her and she deserves to stick around more than several others in the competition. I want to shred Paula’s gloves, btw.

#4 Chikieze (1984)
(Is it wrong of me to like him just because he makes me SMILE? Is it wrong for me to SMILE?)
Do I know this song? Is it Luther Vandross? Am I racist because I just assume if a black guy is doing 80s R&B, it just has to be Luther Vandross? Ok. The FRAKING MOSH PIT needs to be blown up. Again, I’m kind of bored, but I like him, b/c he makes me smile. And I think his voice is improving, and I really did enjoy his past 2 performances. His confidence seems to grow with each week. And he just makes me smile. Ah, I was right. It was Luther Vandross. I could not tell you one Luther Vandross song title. So he shouldn’t touch the audience’s hands? They should get something for waving them like idiots. I still think he’s safe and the MTTT is gonna go. Or your girl. If she’s not wearing a dress

#5 Aryan Sunshine (1983)
(The frightening blondeness of her family suggests she is a Mormon of something of that ilk. And her last name is White. So she could be all Aryan Nation or something. That family is very blonde in a Children of the Corn kind of way. )
I like her in the way I like Sheryl Crow, which is like only sometimes and when I’m in a certain mood. Again, this is kind of boring. I guess its different, per se…but it makes me laugh b/c the song is about stalking but everyone considers it more a song about “devoted love”. Which I guess is the same as stalking if you’re uh, stalking someone. I think Brooke looks older than me. She just kind of gives off the wholesome mom vibe or something.

#6 Sexy Aussie (1978…that’s the closest we’re gonna get)
(According to that bastion of truthful journalism, Star Magazine, Michael Johns hung out with Heath Ledger when they were kids. Because they’re both from Perth…ok. So this must mean I played four-square with Nelly while in the 4th grade.)
Wow. Look at the guy in the band rock out. Thank you. Maybe I just miss me some Ms. Overmyer, but I’m thinking BALLADS SUCK right about now. This may be the best he’s ever sounded. And he’s sexy in high definition, bland sexy, but sexy. Bland sexy is better than no sexy. He’s also keeping the Kilmer-Does-Morisson-Smolder down to a minimum tonight, which is good, b/c that shit can get old. He did pretty damn good, which he needed, b/c he was definitely in Bottom 3 territory these last few weeks. Can I get irritated by an inanimate piece of clothing? Because Paula’s glove look is irritating me. Good job Sexy Aussie. About damn time.

#7 Mick McTooMuch O’Hype (1983)
(Her mom has a MILF-y President Roslin quality. But that has nothing to do with her, but I needed something to talk about regarding Ms. Smithson)
I like this chick’s voice, but I don’t like the way she looks when she sings. And I like her voice, but I don’t like that I like her voice, b/c even though she has a good voice, its not nearly as good as she or the judges think she is. I want to like her b/c she’s not a cute dumb blonde, but she’s just not likable. Wow. Randy is dissing on her. Must be trying to make it look fair. Randy is also wearing irritating bracelets. You have DVR, rewind that shit, what are those little kid craft project bracelets he’s wearing? The thing about Carly is that she doesn’t uh, connect? It’s all very mechanical, a different kind of mechanical than that freaky Idiot Savant kid, but it just proves things get really boring when things are too technically “perfect”.

#8 Creepy Child (1990)
(Of course this kid is gonna be completely FRAKKED. He’s like a male equivilant of JonBenet. Sort of.)
This song is vaguely familiar, but whatever it is, I feel as if I have somehow stumbled upon a Christian Pop performance at one of those big scary ampetheater churches where all the Evangelicals go. That kid had some very crappy notes. There were a couple towards the end that just sucked. This song has to be some Christian Pop music. I missed the name of the singer and I can’t rewind it because I have no DVR until tomorrow. This kid is garbage. He is sooooo overrated.

#9 Her. That Girl. Ugh. (1984)
She should be wearing a skirt. I want to hate this girl, and don’t worry, I do, but she’s crafty. She’s not stupid. She’s a calculating little blonde twit. Of course it was a brilliant move, singing THAT song. I hate that song. But it’s ridiculously brilliant. I won’t even dignify reviewing her performance because that song makes me want to defect. No one is going to vote off some chick doing a patriotic song, or if its their birthday, or if they had a friend die. This girl is the devil, but I am almost in admiration at her calculating maneuvers. But that is still one of the worst and most cheesy songs ever recorded. It’s reason enough for the dollar to be worth nothing on the world market right now.

#10 The Man of 1000 Hairstyles (1982)
David Cook is smart to announce when he’s doing a revamped, already-been-done version of a song (although that Blake Lewis freak says otherwise, but whatever, I don’t even know who is except he be-boxed a Bon Jovi song). Chris Daughtry didn’t do that a couple of times during his season and it came back to bite him. I know you hate David Cook, but I like him, and the pickings are slim. I liked this version of the song, never heard the Chris Cornell version (Chris Cornell is the Jim Carrey of rock. You either think he’s a genius or you want to snap his vocal cords. I liken Jim Carrey’s amazing performance in The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to Cornell’s work with Audioslave. I can tolerate his voice with Audioslave, but when he was fronting Soundgarden? Forget it. ). Honestly, I agree with Randy about him being able to win the whole thing. Now Paula, calling him brave is a bit of a stretch. And Simon, too. Being brave is like when you go into a burning building. That was “taking a creative risk”, perhaps, but not “being brave”.

That was mostly pretty damn boring. I think little Kristy was manipulative enough to get herself out of the bottom 3 this week, damn her.

Bottom 3
Mick, MTTT, Aryan Sunshine or Chikieze. So many of them were subpar that it’s difficult to say, but I have dibs on the Asian chick going home.

American Idol Top 12

Let’s see this “new look”. Well, It’s still, um, lame? The intro was new, too, right? The set is kind of like the “Superstar TV” soundstage in my Karaoke Revolution games. Ryan Seacrest just said “mosh pit.” Why do I find this funny?

Uh oh, little Kristy is looking better. Might keep her in a couple extra weeks, say it ain’t so.

From what I read earlier this week, someone said they were limited to the Lennon-McCartney songbook, not ranging past the mid-60s. Perhaps that is a rumor. But I thought Michael Jackson bought the rights to these several years back…it would make sense, then, if they are now being released since that pedo-freak desperately needs cash.

#1 Syesha
She’s so pretty.
Song: Got to Get You Into My Life
The band seems to be standing out more than her, not digging the pseudo R&B arrangement, but I do like her voice.
Paula Percocet Wisdom: Midway, you found your zone…you look great
Conclusion: Safe

#2 Chikieze
He’s so teddy bear cute.
Song: She’s A Woman
(I wonder how many pills Chikieze saw while x-raying Paula’s bags) He seems more confident tonight, its nice to see Chikieze Unleashed. Trying to figure out if last note was satisfactory, but he really impressed me. The arrangement impressed me more than I thought it would, too. (I’m thinking the risk taking is going to continue this season more so than others, because the contestants who are doing it have been successful. Wonder if anyone will do the Beatles as-is.) He was a lot of fun.
Conclusion: Safe

#3 Ramikin Bukkake
She’s sooo Sanjaya 2.0’s fruit fly.
Song: All My Life
I’m tiring of her ballads and consider her one of the weakest in the competition because (wait…the crowd waves like that???) she relies solely on her vocals, which are nice, but not monumentally earth-shattering. I can’t remember when she DID’T sing a ballad. This was quite bland and boring, especially following Chikeze’s surprising performance.
Paula Percocet Wisdom: You look lovely tonight, really pretty (NOTE: When she starts with how you look , its how you know Paula thinks it sucks.)
Conclusion: Refer back to last week’s haiku

#4 Smoking-A-J(ason)
He’s so blazed.
Song: If I Fell (He mentioned how much he liked Yesterday, but I bet they arranged for The Chosen One to take that one.)
He’s my favorite guy right now, so I’m entirely biased. I think his performances and his personality are the most pure of the competition. And I really hope he can do some Ray LaMontagne, b/c he would do really well with it. While it lacked the power of last week’s Hallalujah, I enjoyed it. And last week’s performance is a tough act to follow. Hell, the Jeff Buckley version is now the #1 song on iTunes.
Ryan Idiocracy: “What do you think America, you want the dreads back for more??”
Conclusion: Safe. And will be for awhile.

#5 Carly
She’s the ringer.
Song: Come Together
I’m really put off by the shadiness surrounding her “frontrunner status”, which overshadows any compliment I may ever feel like bestowing upon her. How cute. They stick the two girls with tattoos in an apartment together. Ok, I’m waiting. What is she going to do different besides the fact she’s a chick and she’s singing it? I think she effed up that first big Come Together. It wasn’t different, it was as if Heart’s Nancy Wilson did it. Yeah, vocally, she was, for the most part, solid. But my mind is still not blown. They way people talk about her (and not just Randy, who pimps her more than anyone) mystifies me. The judges pimp her ridiculously, almost as much as The Chosen One.
Conclusion: By virtue of excessive pimping, she will remain safe for many more weeks.

(Am I addicted to this show? No, not REALLY addicted. I think the reason I watch is to, hopefully, be blown away. Which happens much less often than not. I said it gets dangerous once you start “liking” these people, the “subtleties” and character profiles frak with me.)

#6 David Cook
The dude with bad hair.
Song: Eleanor Rigby (I so called this one, btw, so called it.)
Relatively solid, and I’m sure you hated it. Not AS memorable as last week’s Hello, but it is obvious he is attempting to be the heir apparent to Chris Daughtry. I think it was a good song choice for him, and I love that song. I liked it quite a bit.
Paula Percocet Wisdom: “There’s more than one horse in this race.” (Um…so are you admitting you guys pimp The Chosen One more ridiculously than anyone else.)
Conclusion: Totally safe (I think why I am enjoying this season is b/c there are people in here who have realized that, as of now, it may be more lucrative to NOT win. Wonder how that will play out this time around. Don’t think it was true last year, but I heard last year just all-around blew.)

#7 Boca Burger Brooke
She’s so organic.
Song: Let It Be
I like her, but I don’t LOVE her. If that makes sense. I’m excited by the fact the rest of the country has grown tired of the pretty blond bimbos, and I don’t consider her part of that category. Her heartfelt piano rendition of Let It Be almost guarantees they gave The Chosen One Yesterday. I think this song is a difficult one b/c it may be the most distinctive of all the Beatles songs. She doesn’t sound bad whatsoever, but it was kind of just singing Let It Be. If you’re going to do a song so well-known, change it up a bit. However, I don’t know how that song would sound “changed up.” You feeling me here?
Paula Percocet Wisdom: “It’s picking songs where we can fill your heart, America can fill your heart.” (Huh? I know I can have some difficulty speaking thoughts sometimes, like when there is a big annoying trivia guy yelling, but I think she meant to say something else.)
Conclusion: Will be safe for awhile, until the appeal of earnestness a bare feet wear thin on America’s heart and they don’t want to fill her anymore.

#8 Stripper Dave
He’s so toned.
Song: I Saw Her Standing There
His interview has made him start to grow on me. Perhaps its b/c we both like being photographed half naked. Kind of a sexy, sassy beginning. Playing to the ladies, as to quell any doubts. It’s good to pick a song about admiring a girl after you’ve been revealed as a former gay stripper. Impressive vocals. If it was over the top, I still didn’t find it half bad. He’s gotta go over the top when they think he does naughty things with boys.
Conclusion: Safe…I think?

#9 Skunky Hair (or the girl who is kind of my favorite)
She’s so biker.
Song: You Can’t Do That
I do like her and I think she is talented, she will probably prove to be limited, but she’s still talented. Janis couldn’t have sang most of the shit on this show and she’s a legend. It’s just nice to see someone like this and not yet another effing Pickler or Carrie Underwood. She has an energetic stage presence which, with the right song, will keep her in the game. Whereas someone who remains safe and boring, like Ramikin, are sure to be axed. There is more diversity with this group and I like it, so I want her to stick around awhile.
Conclusion: Safe

(Of course they’re leaving The Chosen One for last. Can you hear me groaning?)

#10 Hutchence Lite
He’s so sexy & Australian.
Song: Across The Universe
I worry he’s gonna exit sooner than expected b/c he’s not as shiny and sexy as the weeks go on. This ridiculous audience arm-waving has become very distracting. Its like something you do as a joke at a karaoke bar when some yahoo gets up there and sings Tiny Dancer to his girlfriend. Decent performance, but his sexiness seems to grow less and less novel, its not one of those sexiness that grows and intensifies the more he sings. I’m onto something here, trust me. Simon forgot Carly’s name. Ha. Yes, let’s try to seem as if she’s not being pimped to quell those rumors.
Conclusion: Safe, but needs to step it up a bit to risk going out 5th or 6th. I’m predicting Constantine Fatigue for this guy if he doesn’t kick it up.

#11 Kristy Lee Suck
She’s so boring.
Song: 8 Days a Week
I don’t think making it a country song will be “taking a risk”, but whatever, b/c its apparent she needs to play up the cute country horsey girl image. This is kind of boring, and I don’t think making it country is actually stretching it. But she’s smart to have dressed hotter this week b/c it may keep her around. Yawn. And her voice just isn’t that um, wowza?
HOLY SHIT!! PERCOSET PAULA ACTUALLY SAID SHE DIDN’T LIKE IT. WTF? She NEVER says that. And Simon said “horrendous.”
Conclusion: Bottom 2

#12 The Chosen One
He’s so…I DON’T GET IT!
Song: We Can Work It Out
Ok…wasn’t familiar with the Beatles but did Imagine last week. And his “aw shucks” schtick is wearing very thin for me. OH FRAK. HE FORGOT LYRICS. HE FORGOT LYRICS. THAT WAS INCREDIBLE. But no one is gonna care. They’re gonna call him genius. He’s just phoning this one in. Over confident about his frontrunner status. He’s way too High School Musical for me, I don’t think he truly has a maturity to match whatever vocal ability he possesses. And I find him kind of musical theatre-ish. Don’t know why people want to hump this kid so badly. It was so glad to see it “not work”. But he was told to sing more upbeat songs. He definitely proved his immaturity this week, performance wise, with forgetting the lyrics. YAY! Simon said it was a mess.
Conclusion: Still safe. But my mouth is salivating at the Chosen One’s impending unraveling.

MY RANKINGS:

1. Stoner Jason
2. Chikeze
3. David Cook
4. Carly
5. Amanda
6. Stripper Dave
7. Herbal Essences
8. Sexy Aussie
9. Syesha
10. Ramikin
11. Kristy Lee Sucks Donkeys
12. The Chosen One

What WILL happen:

Bottom 3

Syesha

Ramikin

Army Wife Cook

Syesha will be safe, then Horsey Kristy will be safe as Ramikin is sent to go hang with Sanjaya 2.0 as his guest on the upcoming Rosie cruise.

American Idol Semifinals: Week 3 (Women)

The Haiku Hump Day edition of Idol semi-finals commentary…

(I keep seeing ads for that Moment of Truth show, which is pretty much all the evidence I need to know humanity is completely frakked. That and Patrick Swayze dying of cancer. He’s like the wind, I suppose…)

The first glimpse of Kristy Lee Cook made me gag, as she is dressed like an Army wife. I really, really, really want to do something with Overmyer’s hair. Why does Paula clap like a goddamn retard or penguin? (Yes, I know the term “retard” is very, very un-PC, but I’m talking about Paula Abdul and this is the woman who made that video with a cartoon cat.)

#1 Asia’h (Nadia Turner / Vonzell Solomon + the square root of black Kimberly who was on Celebrity Fat Club)
I’m tiring of these “embarassing moments” stories, and Asia’h’s outfit may have an 80s vibe, but I so loathe it. The pants are that miserable lavender color that’s is for some reason popular for bridesmaid dresses. Paula is standing and dancing already, I wonder what she’s pill cocktail combo she’s taken today. But I like this chick, because I like the cute little black chicks. I hate that song, it wasn’t memorable, but I think the girls who are going home are more cut & dry than with the men.

Asia’h, I don’t like those pants
Or Whitney Houston
Remember “Crack is so whack!”

#2 Kady (The Teenaged Chick I Might Kiss)
She is totally hotter than Kristy Lee Cook and I just like her sense of humor. She’s got personality, which is why I’ve taken a shine to her, but I do worry our time with her will be short. I think she may have butchered a note in the beginning, but then nailed some, maybe butchered another one, I can’t tell. It was a very interesting song choice, Randy, it was different and ambitious, taking on Queen. But I like her, I know even if she makes it, she will never win. WHAT?? She has more personality than Carrie effing Underwood did, who I think looked like a stroke victim when she performed on here b/c she would kind of move the other arm that wasn’t holding the mic.

Oh Kady, so very cute
I’m sad you will leave
I hardly knew thee

#3 Amanda (Pabst Blue Biker Bitch)
I think she is displaying more vocal range in this song, because she’s not screaming. I also like Joan Jett and it wasn’t a bad version of the song. Paula apparently liked it. I want her to stick around because I want to hear her do Melissa Etherage. Her hair does look better on stage…I know VFTW is pulling for her, oh shit, and now Simon gave her total props. This competition has now gotten interesting, as I would have pegged her and Kady to be goners at the beginning of the night. This performance will possibly get her to the finals, in which case, the Asian needs to be worried. And frankly, I would like to see more people like her in the competition.

I want to drink beer with you
And clink our glasses
Before starting a bar brawl

#4 Carly (Potentially Overrated Mick)
She’s grown on me these past two weeks, and yes she has tattoos, which I kind of like for some reason on Idol. Have you figured this out yet? I know you disagree with me on this one, but its just so much more interesting when you don’t have the cookie-cutter pop types. This was a good song choice for her. And there really is no doubt in my mind she was never going to make it to the finals, although the whole previous connection to Randy does irritate me a bit. Oh christ, Paula is just so…she’s just so….fucked. What? Doesn’t matter what Simon says, she’s not gonna get booted. Oh her mother is kind of Milfy for a woman who has a daughter in her 20s. Not like milfy-milfy, but kind of milfy.

I think I like you Carly
But I am not sure
Just pour me a tall Guinness

#5 Kristy Lee Cook (Definitely Overrated Horsey Chick)
Girlfriend needs a Hollywood makeover. And at some angles, she kind of looks like Kristy Swanson, who got chunky enough to play a faux Anna Nicole in an episode of Criminal Intent. She looks much better with straight hair, I will say that. Uh, she drank out of a DOG BOWL?? Ok, who doesn’t love the occasional Journey song, but she looks TERRIBLE tonight. Oooh, the “restless heart” part was ROUGH. Oh shit, another one during the chorus build-up and that stance, it is kind of distracting. She’s so biting it. I am so loving this. It was almost painful. She really should have tried to look hotter if she was going to suck that bad. Christ, I just want Randy to shut up about who he has worked with. Shit, Paula almost fell out of her chair. DIDN’T THESE PEOPLE HEAR THOSE BUSTED NOTES?? Paula, get Lasik, b/c she didn’t look great. Yes, Simon, she is forgettable. She’s forgettable. Blah…Oh, come on. You so need to admit to me you thought it was a bit rough, too!!

Oh, Kristy, I don’t like you
Its not jealousy
It’s just that you are boring

#6 Ramiele (Ramikin…b/c that’s all I think when I hear her name)
I’m going to defer to you and your theory about Asians on Idol. Ok, I know I erroneously called The Chosen One doing this song last night, but seriously, this is one of those songs that should be retired in Idol world. Plus, its nearly impossible to do anything amazing with it at this point unless you do something drastic to the arrangement. And the outfit is highlighting her squatness, not that she has a bad body, but she’s kind of squat. That performance was absolutely forgettable, which I think also has to do with the song choice. It’s just a dumb choice at this point on Idol (not as idiotic as Luke doing Wham, but still completely stupid). Paula is SO FRAKKED. SO FRAKKED. Ramikin, I don’t agree, I think that performance should get you booted.

Tiny Asian going home
Will find fame one day
There is always bukkake

#7 Brooke White (Burt’s Bees)
I know you don’t care for her much, but I see her as a kind of solid dark horse in the vein of Jason Castro. Consistent performances with that whole hippie vibe, which is also not Idol norm. Oh. My. Frakking. God. What planet does Paula live on? Brooke kind of reminds me of Kyra Sedgwick. Oooh, I heard Love is a Battlefield today. I have always loved Pat Benetar. I kind of like this arrangement. I like it when they TRY SOMETHING NEW, but I think I may have heard a mellow cover of this before, so it could be like Daughtry’s Higher Ground. I don’t think Brooke is going home, anyway, Ugh. I am so over Randy’s throwing around of names. Even Paula Percoset is sick of it. Wow, Simon and I agreed once again.

When you sing, I see tofu
Though you might eat meat
But I bet you shop Whole Foods

#8 Syesha (Hot Black Chick #1)
I’m partial to Syesha as I have made clear from the beginning. Plus, I’m still bitter about Nadia getting booted way too soon (I’ve only downloaded 2 Idol songs, Nadia’s You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me and Bo’s I Don’t Wanna Be, which I PREFER to the original version by a landslide). I sort of feel as if Syesha is could make me feel better about Nadia going home 3 years ago. OH NO, Syesha, don’t do it. Another song which should be retired from the Idol songbook. Anything by Whitney or Stevie Wonder should be retired at this point, but whatever, Freemantle Media isn’t hiring me as a consultant anytime soon. Syesha, that was a solid performance, but it was nothing I have never heard before. Come on, show some spunk. It was bland, solid, and I think she’s a sure thing for the finals, but yeah, there’s really nothing else to say about it but “good”.

Syesha, don’t let me down
I know you are fun
Don’t go and get all boring

I don’t really know about my rankings, since a lot of them were pretty subpar when it comes down to it. My sweet little Kady is gone, but I think Amanda secured her place in the finals. I think Ramiele will be the other one to get the boot b/c I’m starting to get what you’re saying about the whole Asian thing. I would love to see Kristy go, b/c I thought she had the worst vocals of the evening, but men like you who think she’s hot will keep her around.

And I decided I’m NOT going to try and cheat and change my bye-bye. I’m gonna call David H, regardless of what YOU say. I have a feeling about this one, and I’ve checked out supporting evidence. Poor Kady will be going home, too. Sniff. Well, you may not agree with my picks for this week but now you have them.

Going Home:
Luke
David H
Kady
Ramiele

SHOULD GO HOME (my opinion)
Luke
David H (his performance just wasn’t up to snuff and I feel guilty saying Chikieze b/c he looks like such a nice guy, when it comes down to it, Noriega sucks but he has to stick around for entertainment purposes)
Ramiele
Kristy