(FYI, “fraking” and “President Roslin” are Battlestar Galactica references. If you don’t already watch this masterpiece of a TV show, get on it. The 4th and final season starts on Friday, April 4th.)
#1 Muy Tiny Tranny Thai (1987)
(Yeah, she’s Filipinio and that’s not the same thing, but it’s funnier when I feign ignorance about Asian cultures.)
I’m glad she’s going first b/c that may also mean she’ll go bye-bye. Why is she doing Alone? This chick takes every tired Idol song done before (somewhat memorably) by past contestants. Ok. Um, is the sound on HD different, too? Because this is really FRAKING rough. The arrangement sucked, too. Man up little Asian girl. You’re on American Idol and it don’t matter if your tiny ass is sick. Simon thought this was better than last week?
#2 Stoner Jason (1986)
I love this kid. And his brother had a KEYTAR!!! I wish my family lived next door to the Castros.)
I am probably going to like whatever this guy does, to be honest, so it’s sort of stupid to give a critique. It wasn’t different, but he was good and fact of the matter is, he’s not going anywhere for a very long time (and it’s his birthday, which would just be cruel). Even his “bad” weeks aren’t bad compared to the rest of the lot. I want him to bust out the Ray [Lamontange] because it would perfect.
#3 Please-No-More-Whitney (1987)
(If a person is worried about having an ugly child, they just need to cross-pollenate with another race. I think that’s a guarantee of having a gorgeous offspring)
Is this a Whitney Houston song? If I Was Your Woman? It seems to have been originally done by Gladys Knight and the Pips. I like her voice, but I was a little bit bored. Nothing I haven’t seen before, but good. But I guess most of this show is stuff…I’ve…seen…before. But I’m glad Syesha has stepped up her game the last two weeks because I like her and she deserves to stick around more than several others in the competition. I want to shred Paula’s gloves, btw.
#4 Chikieze (1984)
(Is it wrong of me to like him just because he makes me SMILE? Is it wrong for me to SMILE?)
Do I know this song? Is it Luther Vandross? Am I racist because I just assume if a black guy is doing 80s R&B, it just has to be Luther Vandross? Ok. The FRAKING MOSH PIT needs to be blown up. Again, I’m kind of bored, but I like him, b/c he makes me smile. And I think his voice is improving, and I really did enjoy his past 2 performances. His confidence seems to grow with each week. And he just makes me smile. Ah, I was right. It was Luther Vandross. I could not tell you one Luther Vandross song title. So he shouldn’t touch the audience’s hands? They should get something for waving them like idiots. I still think he’s safe and the MTTT is gonna go. Or your girl. If she’s not wearing a dress
#5 Aryan Sunshine (1983)
(The frightening blondeness of her family suggests she is a Mormon of something of that ilk. And her last name is White. So she could be all Aryan Nation or something. That family is very blonde in a Children of the Corn kind of way. )
I like her in the way I like Sheryl Crow, which is like only sometimes and when I’m in a certain mood. Again, this is kind of boring. I guess its different, per se…but it makes me laugh b/c the song is about stalking but everyone considers it more a song about “devoted love”. Which I guess is the same as stalking if you’re uh, stalking someone. I think Brooke looks older than me. She just kind of gives off the wholesome mom vibe or something.
#6 Sexy Aussie (1978…that’s the closest we’re gonna get)
(According to that bastion of truthful journalism, Star Magazine, Michael Johns hung out with Heath Ledger when they were kids. Because they’re both from Perth…ok. So this must mean I played four-square with Nelly while in the 4th grade.)
Wow. Look at the guy in the band rock out. Thank you. Maybe I just miss me some Ms. Overmyer, but I’m thinking BALLADS SUCK right about now. This may be the best he’s ever sounded. And he’s sexy in high definition, bland sexy, but sexy. Bland sexy is better than no sexy. He’s also keeping the Kilmer-Does-Morisson-Smolder down to a minimum tonight, which is good, b/c that shit can get old. He did pretty damn good, which he needed, b/c he was definitely in Bottom 3 territory these last few weeks. Can I get irritated by an inanimate piece of clothing? Because Paula’s glove look is irritating me. Good job Sexy Aussie. About damn time.
#7 Mick McTooMuch O’Hype (1983)
(Her mom has a MILF-y President Roslin quality. But that has nothing to do with her, but I needed something to talk about regarding Ms. Smithson)
I like this chick’s voice, but I don’t like the way she looks when she sings. And I like her voice, but I don’t like that I like her voice, b/c even though she has a good voice, its not nearly as good as she or the judges think she is. I want to like her b/c she’s not a cute dumb blonde, but she’s just not likable. Wow. Randy is dissing on her. Must be trying to make it look fair. Randy is also wearing irritating bracelets. You have DVR, rewind that shit, what are those little kid craft project bracelets he’s wearing? The thing about Carly is that she doesn’t uh, connect? It’s all very mechanical, a different kind of mechanical than that freaky Idiot Savant kid, but it just proves things get really boring when things are too technically “perfect”.
#8 Creepy Child (1990)
(Of course this kid is gonna be completely FRAKKED. He’s like a male equivilant of JonBenet. Sort of.)
This song is vaguely familiar, but whatever it is, I feel as if I have somehow stumbled upon a Christian Pop performance at one of those big scary ampetheater churches where all the Evangelicals go. That kid had some very crappy notes. There were a couple towards the end that just sucked. This song has to be some Christian Pop music. I missed the name of the singer and I can’t rewind it because I have no DVR until tomorrow. This kid is garbage. He is sooooo overrated.
#9 Her. That Girl. Ugh. (1984)
She should be wearing a skirt. I want to hate this girl, and don’t worry, I do, but she’s crafty. She’s not stupid. She’s a calculating little blonde twit. Of course it was a brilliant move, singing THAT song. I hate that song. But it’s ridiculously brilliant. I won’t even dignify reviewing her performance because that song makes me want to defect. No one is going to vote off some chick doing a patriotic song, or if its their birthday, or if they had a friend die. This girl is the devil, but I am almost in admiration at her calculating maneuvers. But that is still one of the worst and most cheesy songs ever recorded. It’s reason enough for the dollar to be worth nothing on the world market right now.
#10 The Man of 1000 Hairstyles (1982)
David Cook is smart to announce when he’s doing a revamped, already-been-done version of a song (although that Blake Lewis freak says otherwise, but whatever, I don’t even know who is except he be-boxed a Bon Jovi song). Chris Daughtry didn’t do that a couple of times during his season and it came back to bite him. I know you hate David Cook, but I like him, and the pickings are slim. I liked this version of the song, never heard the Chris Cornell version (Chris Cornell is the Jim Carrey of rock. You either think he’s a genius or you want to snap his vocal cords. I liken Jim Carrey’s amazing performance in The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to Cornell’s work with Audioslave. I can tolerate his voice with Audioslave, but when he was fronting Soundgarden? Forget it. ). Honestly, I agree with Randy about him being able to win the whole thing. Now Paula, calling him brave is a bit of a stretch. And Simon, too. Being brave is like when you go into a burning building. That was “taking a creative risk”, perhaps, but not “being brave”.
That was mostly pretty damn boring. I think little Kristy was manipulative enough to get herself out of the bottom 3 this week, damn her.
Bottom 3
Mick, MTTT, Aryan Sunshine or Chikieze. So many of them were subpar that it’s difficult to say, but I have dibs on the Asian chick going home.
