American Idol Top 10: I think I may have shed a tiny tear

America is kind of racist.

I do not like watching Idol results shows. Even with the fast forward, I’m always THIS close to pouring myself a Bordeaux glass filled with Liquid Plumber by the middle of the group sing. Watching the group singalong makes me wonder if I truly am a sadist.

Yeah, funny how some conniving little blond sings God Bless The USA the same week as the tannest minorities end up in the bottom 3. And yeah, keeping the brother man down, making Chikieze go take his seat on the stools first (They should at least give the Bottom 3 more comfortable seating). And then Syesha (undeservedly) takes her place next to him. You know Kristy Lee is shouting “White Power!” while she waits backstage. Well, I’m assuming Thai Working Girl is gonna be there, too, because well, she was ridiculously bad last night AND she went first.

I actually am warming towards Carly tonight. The whole fat-or-pregnant thing is a slippery slope and you just don’t go there unless you know a person is, indeed, pregnant. Some people aren’t stick thin and chicks retain water at certain times of the month, not everyone has one of those “baby bumps”. Anyway, she mustered up a bit of likable enthusiasm after being told she was safe and I feel bad the gal got called pregnant. Sure, she might not have the greatest body and has to deal with the fact her mother is a complete MILF, but don’t call the girl pregnant. That just ain’t cool.

The Ford commercial will not be commented upon, except to say I just chugged the Liquid Plumber and followed with a shot of Windex, which I did like tequila except I sprinkled Comet on my hand, licked it and then sucked on a Brillo pad after shooting it.

This Q&A crap needs to stop. Uh, ok, Ryan, you brought “everyone back to the couch” for it. No you didn’t. Everyone knows that stuff (and the performance) is pre-recorded before the episode. Sure, America may be stupid enough to salivate at David Archuleta but they’re not THAT dumb. And for the 3 girls who wanted to ask the Creepy Child to prom, first off, you’re sooooo lame and second, a “dream prom date” has to at least be able to buy you those three fraking bottles of Boone’s you’re gonna eventually throw up in that rented limo.

Brooke White, I was on the fence about you but I’ve decided I hate you. A duet with JOHN MAYER?? Thanks for proving you have nary a shred of artistic vision, but you are also devoid of a soul. I hope your body is a wonderland…IN HELL!!!

The only reason I know who Kimberley Locke is is because I watch Celebrity Fit Club. Whatever. It’s better than Deal or No Deal or Wife Swap, and compared to The Bachelor, it’s PBS’ American Experience. They should mention that’s how she lost the 40 pounds and how after filming, she started getting busy with Harvey, the “drill sargent” on the show. I have no idea what she sang nor do I care. And even if she’s thinner than before, she really needs to be more aware of how there are certain things that are supposed to “pop” at the top of a strapless dress and there is other stuff that is not supposed to be hanging out. Not all “cleavage” is good cleavage.

(I swear I’m not this superficial…but what else am I supposed to do when I don’t actually want to listen to any of the music or continuous iTunes/iPhone pimping?)

Ooooh Constantine is in the audience. Because of my new high-definition television, his gaze was more realistic and back-of-throat- vomit inducing. I wonder if I should go to my doctor tomorrow and be tested several “social diseases”. Constantine turns HD into VD every time.

Has anyone pointed out Sanjaya 2.0 (Danny N.) and Stripper Dave sitting behind Simon?

Now if Bono helps with this Idol Gives Back crap, maybe they should work harder into getting him to be one of those “special guests”. (I do like me some Dolly Parton because well, my father loves Dolly and while I like her for different reasons, you still gotta give props to Dolly.) It would be interesting to see Bono work with these people. An all U2 episode might be really…cool? I can already call some of the songs…Aryan Sunshine would totally piano-ize With or Without You, Syesha could do One (a la Mary J. Blige), David Cook could do Sunday Bloody Sunday, maybe Stoner Jason could do All I Want Is You. And I’m sure David Archuleta would do horrible Christian pop things to Beautiful Day or Angel of Harlem complete with lip licking and facial expressions he learned during the section on emotive exercises in that junior high drama class. And him and Kristy Lee would probably be like, “I wasn’t really familiar with any of U2’s music, so I chose this song because I really liked the title.”

I digress…

Uh…ok. Thai Working Girl is NOT in the bottom 3? I was worried about Jason Castro ending up there, though, that Dial Idol stuff is surprisingly accurate this week. Really gay men are voting for Tranny Thai Hooker girl because she’s Sanjaya 2.0’s fruit fly. Really really really really gay men are the only adults who regularly vote for Idol (besides family members of contestants) and this turn of events adds even more evidence to my hypothesis.

Can Kristy Lee still be considered the “hot chick” with these last 2 wardrobe choices? I’m not even bringing up her utterly conniving song choice and going to base this entirely on fashion sense. That little white trash daughter of the Confederacy should maybe take advantage of the American Idol stylists and stop shopping at Reba eff-ing McEntire’s garage sales. Sweetheart you’re 24. Dress like you’re 24.

I know Chikieze is totally going to be the one to go and this makes me sad, because he makes me smile and Muy Tiny Tranny Thai Working Girl should be going home. I WANT her to go home. Like its not going to be all bad for her. She can go do third-rate house music with Sanjaya 2.0 and they can tour gay dance clubs all over the nation. She belongs in the one place where she can be FIERCE & FABULOUS. And it ain’t here.

Chikieze is going home and if I will ever shed an almost tear for this show, it’s gonna be now. And Mrs. Eze! I love you Mrs. Eze!