American Idol Top 5 Elimination: Scandal, Smarm and Simon’s First Kiss

Why Paula almost looks demure, those puppies placed away so she looks all innocent in the wake of last night’s big ol’ frak up. Kristy Lee Cook is in the audience, wearing one of her trademark horse tank tops.

These people cannot harmonize and the Eunuch creeps me out when he looks into the camera. If I was more…wait. I have Tivo. And I don’t blame this on the “odd” number of 5.

Close Up Individual Shots During Diamond Medley Disaster

Eunuch
8

Stoner J
1

David Cook
4

Syesha
4

Mormon Brooke
2

(Also notice the placement of the Eunuch in the center stage)

I rest my case.

NO NO NO! SULTAN OF SWARM and the Gina Chick are promoting American Idol Extra. YES! NO NO NO Chalymidia Stare ON COMMAND!!! And his shirt not only sparkles but I think there are only two buttons done. Oh, and Ace Young is sitting in front of him. Talk to Ace Young, damnit. He’s hotter and doesn’t emit VD with his eyes. Oh, and Ace Young totally got better seats than Greasy, which says something, right?

Ryan semi-addresses the “rumors” about Paula’s lucidity. Hell, everyone knows she’s not lucid, but that still doesn’t excuse the major frakking up which still at least, proves to me the show is rigged.

YAY! Stoner J is safe! I mean, if he was not safe would have been a lot more explaining to do, right? EXACTLY.

Oh yes, let’s bring out the Eunuch. Why don’t they just have him sitting out on the sofa waiting for everybody else at the beginning of each results show at this point. The pimping of this kid is so ridiculous.

Oh, Paula is back on script. And talking about separate performances. Yeah, whatever. The kid is safe. Don’t know why the hell he is acting surprised. Come on. (Who is the flamenco chick? His sister?)

What is this dancing stuff, that So You Think You Can Dance show? My niece should try out just to see her first 2 years of an overpriced private college as a dance major is worth it. I don’t think watching people dance is as fun as watching people sing, even though dancing can be kind of cool. But…I most likely won’t be watching such shite.

WHAT? Design your own Coca Cola cup?

Man oh man, I so hope Mormon Brooke is gonna bite it tonight. D-Cook, honey, keep reining back in the hair. Gee? He’s safe? I had no idea. Wow. So suspenseful, Brooke and Syesha in the final 2. I do not like Syesha’s dress, does nothing for her body and the slanted angle of the hemline isn’t really working for me.

So you think they’re actually doing live performances tonight? Doubt it, but guess you have to give them some credit for making it look real by showing Brooke and Syesha go to the couch. Alas, contestant placement has changed during the commercial break.

This Natasha Bedingfield song is kind of good. Kind of good in the way that if I hear it much more, I know I’m going to hate it. Or love it. I can’t tell. You know songs like that, there’s just something you can’t quite put your finger on but it could go either way.

Bad! Bad Natasha Bedingfield! You went to stroke the Eunuch! Nigel Lythgoe totally put her up to that, it was part of the deal with performing. Funny ha ha, making prom jokes with the teenager.

Oh damn, I soooo thought that the whole Q&A thing was OVER. I’m kind of feeling sorry for Paula tonight, like she does add something to the show and its kind of good she is there, not only when she’s messed up on unknown substances, but because her positive comments are kind of needed on this shit show, even if they somehow come out incoherently. AND she just made fun of that whole MC Scat Cat thing. Ironically, Paula is really playing the whole vulnerability card tonight. And its soooo working.

Ok. So we’re now talking to the chick who was Simon’s first kiss. This is fabulous. They’re really pulling out all stops tonight to earn back public support. Tara Miller…Simon’s first kiss…at the bottom of the garden! How very BRITISH!

Who is the crazy Botox-ed blonde chick sitting behind Paula?

FORD COMMERCIAL TIME

Holy frakking Xenu. They just had plants grow up around the Eunuch. Now plants grew around everyone else, but they were all partnered off…I’m just saying, maybe odd numbered weeks makes it more obvious, the blatant pimping, but why not have Stoner J have a “solo” commercial spot? Last week, who played the cartoonist?? The Eunuch.

Once again I am thankful Neil Diamond does not use Kenny Rogers’ plastic surgeon, but he is singing some song about Amazing Grace. I think he’s talking about love…but you know, Amazing Grace sort of makes me think of Jesus and shit. This could totally be about love of Christ, or the “doorway of your chapel” is just romantic coding for “cooter.”

I think I may have to see Neil Diamond play Fenway this summer. It’s not a far walk, plus, I can also just sit on my kitchen floor and hear most of it. It is a rather appropriate concert choice, seeing as Sweet Caroline is the ubiquitous song of the Boston Red Sox. OH WOW. MOMMA DIAMOND! MOMMA DIAMOND is in the house. I like Neil Diamond. He seems like a pretty decent guy, even when all those Idol contestants wrecked most of his songs. What a gracious man.

Ok. Let’s hurry this shit show up and send Mormon Brooke home. She’s already crying! Sweet! YES! YES! YES!

Whoa. Her husband is kind of hot. That happens a lot with Mormons. For some reason, you can find some attractive Mormons, but I swear its b/c they use selective breeding tactics. But they get engaged during freshman year at Brigham Young University so it’s all sort of pointless. But the hot ones get paired off with hot ones during that stage and then they kind of mate for life or something. Like lobsters, but with magical underpants.

Bye bye, Brooke! It was real. It was good. But it wasn’t real good. But you were kind of like that carton of milk in my fridge. Kept around too long after the point of expiration.

The Morning After “Paulagate” (And some crazy kid)

Part of me hopes Paula wasn’t just on so many ‘ludes that she couldn’t follow the night’s script and is just fed up with the entire game.

Idolator hopes Red Sox fans were offended by Eunuch’s incredibly awful performance of Sweet Caroline. EW also weighs in on the nonsense, as well as featuring a play-by-play of Paula’s Really Big Frak-Up. Even E! Online discusses Paula’s fortune telling skills, although they (obviously) gave props to Ryan Seacrest.

I remember this kid from the auditions. Seems things aren’t going to well for him and obviously, TMZ was there to exploit it. Chris Bernheisel is pissed because he’s not really going to get to cover Idol for his local Fox affiliate, even though Simon promised him. I was he was going to get to go to the finals, but then has to sit in the bleachers. Something like that. Yeah…he threatens to get a lawyer and bring down Idol, too. I think he just needs Paula’s doctor. Or Xenu. And I think he should start dating that Leave Britney Alone guy from YouTube, even though I would imagine them being the worse possible neighbors in an apartment building.

American Idol Top 5: So many songs sung blue

Let’s begin the night by praising Xenu!!! Praise Xenu!! Whoo hoo to my inner thetan! She’s a spunky little gal, but entirely thetan-licious! (Especially after a good meal and several drinks, then she’s all about being CLEAR. And she will remove her shoes before she jumps up and down on your couch!)

Too tired to even laugh at Ryan’s ridiculous opening bit about the pressure being too great for some. Or the way, when he had the Idols come out on stage, announcing them as “Your Top 5 Friends” in a borderline Harvey Feinstein voice.

Whew. Its good to see Neil Diamond has not been using the same plastic surgeon as Kenny Rogers because even with a little Botox, I can still tell that I’m looking at Neil Diamond. When Kenny Rogers showed up to Idol that one time, it was so obvious he didn’t know when to fold them at the doctor’s office.

Stoner J
First of all, even if they are doing 2 doings, I don’t like his opening spot placement. But I think his voice and laidback stoner persona lends itself well to Diamond’s music.
Forever in Blue Jeans
A little underwhelming from Stoner J. It’s not bad, but there is something missing from the arrangement. He sped up the final verse a bit? I almost feel as if he knows how ridiculous the show has gotten and is just like, “they’re never gonna let me get close to winning and I’m smoking way too much hash these days because it’s the only way I can take spending so much time with Mormon Brooke.”

David Smirk
Regardless of what he sings tonight, I can’t really see anything happening to him except getting in the final two. His hair is looking a bit scary again, though. I sooo thought that was under control.
I’m Alive
Not a huge stretch from the original, but infused with David’s Davidness, so it’s a little more rockerly. The arrangement just sped it up a bit, in all actuality, yet it all felt a bit flat and rushed. It didn’t really connect?
Perhaps the two songs each format sucks because its over with so fast as song time has been reduced, once again, to under 2 minutes.

Wholesome Hemmoroids
Thank you, Neil Diamond, for sweetly “suggesting” Mormon Brooke should NOT sing “New York born and raised.” Mormon Brooke being born and raised in NYC is as likely as me being, well, a scientologist.
I’m a Believer
Uh…wasn’t she supposed to be singing her other one? Oh Christ, this is absolutely HORRIBLE. Paula is only up dancing because she confused the uppers with the downers the last time she popped one with her Coke. Oh, that was just so wrong. I am sure Neil Diamond is cringing right now, as are the Monkees. Hell, even Smashmouth has grounds to be pissed after that performance.

(Oh Xenu, please take me away to that planet you live on.)

The Chosen Eunuch
I am soooo not looking forward to hearing him sing Diamond’s arguably two most recognizable songs.
Sweet Caroline
Oh sweet Xenu, this song does not bode well to being shortened into Disney-fied pop. Is he mumbling some more words. This was only chosen so tweens will scream. And then he will be told he “stretched himself” by not singing ballads.

Supermercado
Two songs = Mini Concert, according to Ms. Syesha. Wow, Neil seems more pleased with her than the previous contestants. And she looks lovely with her hair down.
Hello Again
Uh, stop the frakking hand waving. This is ridiculous. Interesting, this is the second time I’ve seen her perform barefoot. Pleasant sounding, but utterly forgettable.

JUDGES
Randy: Eunuch is not THE BOMB. Sweet Xenu, please stop this nonsense.
Paula: OMG, She made notes on BOTH SONGS. WHEN THEY HAVE ONLY SANG ONE. OMG. This is amazing. OMG. This was just incredible. And she says “This is difficult.” While she tried to ad lib, she was clearly talking about BOTH of Jason’s performances. So the judges don’t even write what they’re say, huh? Is that what you’re telling me? This is just…wow. Best moment of the show. And AI wonders why its ratings are down? And they don’t want us to suspect this show might be uh, fixed?
Simon: Thank you, Simon, for speaking THE TRUTH. On every single one of them. Eunuch was not DA BOMB. He was Amateurish. And Brooke’s I’m A Believer was a trainwreck on par with Kristy Lee Cook’s 8 Days A Week.

(Bless those thetans. They are enturbulating these Idol people tonight!)

Round 2

(I am starting to feel like Rocky when he knows he needs to throw in the towel during Apollo’s match with Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, but he doesn’t, and then Apollo dies. That’s kind of how I feel while getting ready to watch this next set. Then I’m gonna live with a shitload of guilt because I didn’t stop this travesty, so I then must kick Ivan’s commie ass back to Stalingrad. Which doesn’t really help in the end, because I’ve had the shit kicked out of me and my drunken uncle mismanaged my finances so I end up back working in a pet food store. So it’s really just a no-win situation at this point.)

Stoner J
September Morn
Will someone cut off the arms of the people in the mosh pit, or at least keep the UCLA sororities out of the theatre? These may be my least 2 favorite Castro performances of the entire season, but I think, and understandably so, that he’s just had it with the whole charade since Carly was unceremoniously booted last week. Oh, and the whole thing about being judged on his second song before performing it.
Note To Simon: Of course he doesn’t recognize who he is…he would be singing some Ray LaMontagne or something, if they were allowed to sing anything before 1982. It’s not just Stoner J who is “underperforming”, its ALL OF THEM.

David Smirk
All I Really Need Is You
Better than I’m Alive, but still lacks the power of most of his earlier performances. I would go so far as to say this is the best of the evening. Paula may say she’s looking at the American Idol. Doubt that he will win, but he will be more successful than the Chosen Eunuch Winner. And that makes me feel kind of better, but I still do not appreciate the blatant pimping going down in this competition.

Wholesome Hemmoroids
I Am…I Said
With the lyric change, I think this makes a wonderful swan song for Mormon Brooke. She wants to go home. She is lost out in LA. Although I think if someone exposed her to drugs for a few weeks, she may emerge with a Stevie Nicks quality to her voice. Nah, just wishful thinking. While this was BETTER than that previous shit show, its still Mormon Brooke. Maybe “vulnerability” will keep her around for another week, which will also make me hate her more, mainly because my vulnerabilities never do much for me.

Chosen Eunuch
America
Unfeeling. Uninspired. But if you sing about American pride on American Idol, you’ll always do okay. Even if you suck. Nice to see they can re-use the American flag graphic from Kristy Lee’s birth year performance.
Randy: QUIT RIDING THE EUNUCH’S LONE NUTSACK
Paula: Savant typically refers to an Idiot. Just saying. Like RAINMAN…Yup, his fashion choices say it all.
(Shit. If I owned a Zune, I would not be able to download any of these songs. I blame Xenu!! Or I would, If I was a Zune owner. But I wasn’t dumb enough to buy one of those silly little things. Does Xenu own a Zune, you know, because it kind of sounds like his name?)

Supermercado
Thank God for the Nighttime
It’s good to see Syesha is now playing up the musical theatre-ness. In fact, her best friend (I think she mentioned him once on the show) is a student up here at the New England Conservatory and my buddy, Austin, is friends with him. (This is not a I-know-someone-who-knows-someone blah-blah-blah comment, its more me saying that Syesha definitely comes from a musical theater background and will probably continue in that direction.) Syesha will do very well on Broadway. While she probably is not going to Broadway tomorrow, it is inevitable. Paula is big on the vulnerability tonight. I think Paula gets called out her vulnerability a lot, particularly when in line at CVS to get her prescriptions filled. Which is all good, because Paula knows it would be no fun to be a scientologist.

Thank frakking Xenu that shit is over. That is an hour of my life I WILL NEVER EVER GET BACK. EVER. EVERY COPY OF THIS SHOW SHOULD BE BURNED, BANNED FROM YOUTUBE, ET AL.

Neil Diamond, I do love you, but please don’t let those Idol kids ever touch your songs ever again. That was truly one of those things only good in theory, like Tequilia, Norah Jones, Arena Football and Lifetime Television for Women.

Bottom 2: Syesha, Stoner J
Going Home: Syesha

Oh, how I wish it would be Brooke and not Stoner J, I do worry that his time with us is coming to a close, yet somehow, I think he may be okay with it. Which is why I may even like him more. But if he goes home tonight…well, then this show may just have even more explaining to do.

He’s Ain’t Heavy, He’s Neil Diamond! (And he’s on Idol Tonight!)

Carly talks to EW’s Michael Slezak (and Missy Schwartz) at what looks like a bar and discusses Idol stuff. He even brought her flowers! Carly discloses that during Dolly Week, her first song choice was Jolene (which was subsequently butchered by Mormon Brooke). Oh and that her online fan bases were called the Smithsonians and the Mindblowers. Yeah. I think I still miss Carly. And Michael Johns.

There is also a new edition of EW’s Idolatry in preparation for tonight’s big Neil Diamond night!! Michael Slezak and Dawnie Walton wonder, like the rest of the people who watch this crap, when these people are going to be able to sing something current. Or recorded since people stopped using Dial Up. They think Supermercado or Stoner J should do Red Red Wine. And David Cook should do Girl You’ll Be a Woman Soon, which I totally called in my last Neil Diamond posting.

Tonight could be horrible karaoke. And since Mormon Brooke is still hanging around, here’s hoping her inevitable meltdown is nothing short of curling-up-into-fetal-position AMAZING.

Spoilers to come as I find them…

(I never even thought about this being the point in the competition when the contestants sing TWO songs, but the time has arrived upon us now.)

Jason Castro will be singing Forever in Blue Jeans and September Morn

Chosen Eunuch is reportedly making Sweet Caroline one of his choices, which is just wrong b/c this song called for a horrific group number. No one should sing Sweet Caroline. Never. America might be his second choice, even though he’s unfortunately not in danger of getting booted (Patriotic Song = Another Week).

David Cook is doing I’m Alive and All I Ever Really Need is You.

Mormon Brooke is going to make us all vomit with I’m A Believer and I Am…I Said (accompanying herself on piano) which also means we may hear her start a song a total or 4 times this evening.

Syesha is doing Hello Again and Thank The Lord For Nighttime. She also might be singing last with Stoner J going first. Hmmm, AI, want to get him out next just in case he poses a threat to your All-David finale?

Courtesy of MJ’s Big Blog

(BTW, this show still REALLY sucks.)

American Idol kind of sucks

EW’s Michael Slezak and Kristen Baldwin talk about why Carly was robbed and Idol sucks more than ever. So does Gawker, but I kind of think ratings are dropping because the producers have not even tried to make it look like a fair competition this year.

Supposedly they’re trying to think of ways to lure viewers back, but none of them are any good. Why not change the way voting is done and include music downloads in the results? Oh, and drop the tired old theme nights for some new categories.

Here are some ideas:

• Songs About Death
• #1 Hit Wonders
• Hip Hop & Rap Night
• Songs from the Grunge Era
• Asian Pop
• Movie Soundtrack Hits
• Yacht Rock
• Songs by Dead-At-Age-27 Singers
• Stoner Songs

I’m not really sure why I watch this show, but there were some tough times during the writer’s strike. And now I kind of feel like I have to stick it out because I’ve come this far.

Oh. And Claymates are really scary. One of them like, uh, thinks he’s Jesus.

America Idol Extra: Light on the Grease, Heavy on the Nonsense

Any respectable outlet covering American Idol after Wednesday’s results show mourns the loss of Carly Smithson, the contestant who somehow became likable despite taking things too seriously at times and sometimes appearing desperate to achieve the stardom promised to her since she was a wee barin. Like the hardworking long-time employee always passed up for the promotion in favor of a flashy new kid with less experience, skills and overall creativity, Carly was sent back to her cubicle while the executives continue to groom Eunuch for the corner office. David Cook’s not gonna get the big Idol promotion, but he’s already guaranteed a better job & bigger salary elsewhere. But if American Idol were a microcosm for corporate hell, why oh why haven’t we given Brooke her goodbye cake yet for quitting to be a stay-at-home mom?

Idolator rues Carly’s early exit after such a strong performance, as does EW’s Michael Slezak, who grew to like the semi-plucky-but-not-quite-sure-if-she-was-spunky Irish lass, too.

As for American Idol Extra this week, I grew bored rather quickly. Same old, same old. Coke couch, here comes Carly’s family (MILFy-In-President-Roslin-Way mom, sister and tattooed husband), Alison Janney is once again in the audience, Ultra Tan ‘n’ Greasy Constantine and that Gina chick interviewed people…

Ok, so um, I actually hold an advanced degree in journalism, print journalism, yes, but I still had to learn a few broadcast journalism things and the Sultan of Swarm, well, let me just put it this way: He is a shit reporter. Perhaps it is the constant nodding. Sure, affirmative body language should be used during the interview process, but let’s try a little moderation. The frequency in which his head bobs up and down, coupled with the smarmy grin, brings to mind a pilled-out-of-their-skull E-tard, in a cheesy club circa 2000, who considers himself an affecianado of dance music because he loves Eiffel 65’s Blue.

But this episode of American Idol Extra was kind of okay because Michael Johns showed up. I like to think of Michael Johns, as well as Ace Young, as the Anti-Greaseballs. Like the Sultan of Smarm, they’ve all be touted as the “heartthrobs” of their respective seasons, but Ace Young and Michael Johns both appear to be affable guys who you could have a beer with. I suppose one could get a drink with Greasy Constantine, too, but its not like you could ever feel comfortable leaving your drink at the table if you got up to use the restroom.

Luckily, this week on AI Extra was almost Grease-free. They even let that Gina girl sing just so they could minimize the Chalmydia Stares and groping. The producers are totally listening to me, I just know it!

At the end of the episode, we learn things about the Idol contestants we didn’t know! Yes, OMG, the Eunuch is TICKLISH! Syesha loves CHOCOLATE! D-Cook reads COSMO in case he gets a lady because he is SINGLE! Mormon Brooke only BARGAIN SHOPS! While I did get a semi-kick out of learning Stoner J likes driving fast and maybe even racing cars, that was all pretty useless information. (Unless, perhaps, I was a swooning tween who goes to sleep fantasizing about tickling the Eunuch or something…)

Is American Idol over yet?

Idols contestants temporarily freed from Coke-sponsored prison

The 5 remaining Idol contestants got to attend some party for Brit Week 2008, mainly because it is also ruled over by Nigel Lythgoe. (Guess it also has something to do with the Los Angeles British Counsel.)

Unfortunately, they ran into a little trouble on the way home because the Eunuch wanted to stop at K-Mart to buy underwear. And then he got a little miffed because the Tivo frakked up and he missed Jeopardy.

American Idol Top 6: Latter Day Results

Shot glass of Drano rimmed in Scrubbing Bubbles. Check. Mr. Clean & Murphy’s Oil Soup martini, shaken not stirred. Check. Let’s get ready for IDOL GROUP SING!!

(Please say its not gonna be Magical Mr. Mistofillies)

I’m finishing up my weekly dose of Tyra Mail, as it is excellent hors d’ordves for the main course of Idol cheese. (And this season’s lone ANTM Mormon got booted weeks ago) Watch an American Idol results show before 8:30, even with Tivo? NEVER. I would be caught up by 8:45 and forced to endure 7000 more Coca Cola commercials.

That All I Ask Of You is excruciating. Oh shit. I’m having flashbacks to high school. They all sound like Cathy Williamson, she was one of those choir geeks / color guard girls who had a penchant for bothering people and believing her “angelic” voice was better than say, Ella Fitzgerald’s. I distinctly remember Cathy singing this very song, her mouth curled up in a perfectly shaped ‘O’, which is how it was shaped no matter what or how she sang. While I’ve obviously had no vocal training, I don’t think that is correct form?

Now we’re “flashing back” to last night. I tried to close my eyes when the Eunuch sang, thinking I may like it better. Nothing. I still think Stoner J’s version of Memory was a sweet and touching take on a well-known “big diva” song. He brought a vulnerability and sadness to it which I quite liked. If I hear Brooke utter “I just lost the lyric” one more time, yikes, I hope we’re losing her tonight. Please. Please. Please. Carly Smithson did amazing. David Cook did excellent. They’re safe. The Eunuch is always safe. I would venture to say Syesha is safe this week based on last night’s performance.

Now Ryan is “interviewing” Sir Webber. Christ, I hate Randy’s clothing. I swear he shopped the big post-Victory Tour garage sale Tito Jackson held because he needed cash for amphetamines and numb chucks.

FORD COMMERCIAL TIME

Ok. Cute concept, but GOD FORBID you would “punk up” the Eunuch. He just happens to be the “cartoonist” drawing all of them. Call it Idol Gives Metaphor. Poor Jason Castro. They are not being nice to him this week AND he was forced to look like John Travolta in Battlefield Earth. David Cook just had to borrow Danny Noreiga’s Manic Panic and Wholesome Hemorrhoids was probably shivering in her magical underpants for having to look so risque.

Idol Gives Back took place, what, 2 weeks ago? And they’re just not getting around to a “special message” from the President and Laura Bush? Oh, Dubya, no one cares about you anymore, so now you’re biding your time doing guest spots on relevant American television programming such as American Idol and the why-isn’t-it-on-PBS Deal or No Deal. What? Larry King won’t even talk to you so you gotta go slum it with Howie Mandel and Ryan Seacrest? Poor sweet Laura. If the lithium ever wears off, you’re gonna wake up and wonder what the hell happened the last decade of your life. (It’s okay, Laura, I would totally want to be overly-medicated, too!)

The UCLA Sorority girls are out in full-force in the Mosh Pit tonight. Alas. I was never in a sorority. Or choir. Perhaps I’m just bitter and jealous. Nah…I just like to laugh at some things which are well, you know, kinda funny.

Please, Eunuch, don’t talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like there was any doubt in my mind either David was going to be in danger of going home tonight. Christ, I can’t wait for the Eunuch to crack. Hey, I totally feel bad for the kid even though I make fun of him. Crazy stage parents are NEVER good, just look at La Familia Lohan.

Little Broadway montage with former Idols on Broadway, proving that’s the most viable post-Idol career option for most. Oh Gayken, you are too young to dress like Mr. Rogers and you are way too gay to say that you are not a homosexual. (Why are they playing The Goo Goo Dolls’ Broadway’s Dark Tonight during this upbeat Where-Are-The-Idols-On-Broadway-Now segment? Aren’t you trying to tell us Broadway is “bright” for them?)

Ok. I love this Leona Lewis song.

Phil just messaged me, asking:

Is Leona Lewis black or is she fake tan orange?

Ms. Lewis is a beautiful girl and I quite like her voice. Yeah, I downloaded Bleeding Love. I dig it. To answer your question, Phil, Leona Lewis is the daughter of a Guyanese father and Welsh mother. So I would venture to say she is mixed, or what Larry David would refer to as a mulatta.

Oh, Brooke, American Idol is WHAT??? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. This only means the worst for Stoner J. What? Did the entire Church of the Latter Day Saints all vote for her lame ass last night? Syesha may not have a big fan base, but it is clearly wrong that Brooke is not even in danger of going home.

Wow…this show is pissing me off more and more each week. I’ve never believed that people were sent home solely on votes, but this is just ridiculous. (Oh, Sweet Stoner J, please do not go home. Syesha can go instead of you, neither of you deserves it, but if I had it my way, I would totally keep you around. Okay, whew. But I wasn’t thinking about Carly being in there. Christ, Carly did incredible last night. This show is bullshit.)

Okay, yeah, go ahead, make them sing again. At least it won’t be excruciating AND it kills any chance of one of those ridiculous Q&A sessions. The only good thing about keeping Wholesome Hemorrhoids around is because the longer she stays around, the bigger the inevitable breakdown will be. Wow, the VFTW people are out in full force this season, perhaps, between them and the Mormons…

WHAT?! Um…that was just…um…complete bullshit. For someone to get booted after pulling out a performance like that? Just cruel. I was just starting to really like Carly, but the systematic eliminations of the past few weeks just fuels conspiracy theories of this competition being completely fixed in order to easily guarantee a David vs. David finale showdown.

(Now I already had my hypothetical question for tonight’s bullshit Q&A ready, too. Once again, it is for Brooke and Eunuch. And since there was no stupid Q&A but they’re still on the public radar, I’m going to hypothetically ask it here.)

Since you both believe heaven has a maximum capacity of 100,000, predestined before birth, the chances of both of you ending up there are fairly slim. So, which one will go hang out with Joey Smith and which one of you will burn in eternal hellfire?

Well. It’s not as if I voted, right? Christ, and I just wondered to myself how many articles / blog entries about Carly’s surprising Idol demise will say something like “the pipes, the pipes are calling…”

(You know, just because she’s Irish and all, which means you’re supposed to reference Guinness and Danny Boy as much as possible when talking about Irish people.)

Next week its Neil Diamond and TopIdol will try its best to find ways to make fun of Scientologists, even if Katharine McPhee is not scheduled to appear and Neil Diamond has never dabbled in Dianetics. But if poor Jason Castro is made to wear his Ford Tainted Love commercial costume once again, well…

All’s fair in love and Xenu.

Today in Idol Land…

Bye, Bye Miss Mormon Pie

Coming to a “second-tier” city near you…The American Idol summer tour dates have been announced.

EW’s Michael Slezak also expresses wishes that Jason Castro be saved from the Idol chopping block this evening, noting the sweetness and simplicity in his performances. (And yes, the blatantly obvious fixing of the competition this season cannot be ignored…)

Kristy Lee visits the EW offices for the first segment of her in-person exit interview. Waiting to see if the robots are mentioned in parts 2 and 3.

MSNBC’s The Scoop reports Kelly Clarkson likes walking around her house in the buff. Uh, ok. What’s wrong with nakedness…especially in your own home? (It is better to bare your naked body than naked soul, a la Mormon Brooke.)

Idolator gets in on the David Cook Analog Heart conspiracy theories, as well as discusses the “Real American Idol Tragedy” of Andrew Lloyd Webber night (er, SIR Andrew Lloyd Webber night)

(Note to Idol producers: If you’re worried about ratings, maybe you should stop making it obvious the competition is fixed. Just a general suggested related to um, everything I’ve seen this season)

American Idol Top 6: Why Mormons Shall Not Sing About Broken Hearts

Top 6…out of their comfort zones? Not quite. We will just have to see…D-Cook did major in musical theater for awhile in college. And his hair seems to be in a better spot tonight.

There are the Idols in Vegas! I bet Brooke and Eunuch were both wearing their maximum-strength magical underpants in the City of Sin! Gotta keep all that bad sinful stuff out!

Supermercado (One Rock & Roll Too Many)
Nice to see she is doing something a bit up-tempo…so this was the first time she felt she could be “animated”? Maybe she should have put a little of that into her other performances, that’s all I’m saying. Now I’m wondering if the band can see up her skirt, but nice touch, a little Fabulous Baker Boys-esque piano action. This may actually be the best I’ve ever seen her perform. She looked both engaged and alive. Definitely her best performance. The Broadway route is not such a bad idea. (Was she barefoot?)

Stoner J (Memory)
I still find his interviews the absolute best. “I didn’t know a cat was singing it.” AWESOME. AWESOME. That was kind of sweet and simple, or maybe I just always enjoy watching him because he always seems so “himself.” It wasn’t his strongest performance, but I think he injected a sad vulnerability into the song. I quite like this sweet stoner boy and really do not want him to go home.

(Who is Betty and how did she get trapped in the Most Pit? Where are the Keno Babes?)

Wholesome Hemmeroids (You Must Love Me)
Ha. “I don’t think that girl had a clue what she was singing about.” How is this girl a musician and unable to grasp the meaning of a song through lyrics upon first listen (i.e., Jolene). WOW. SHE BIFFED IT BIGTIME. “Can I start over???” Yeah, honey, I wish I could start over on a lot of things. Her “pained” face is getting on my nerves…these Mormons, Christ, they are missing out on the human experience. Recovered semi-nicely at the end, but she still biffed it bigtime. I think it may have been a little too late in the game for her to start learning how to emote a song’s true meaning. But any tiny iota of sympathy I have for her is lost once I see her pout to the judges. She always looks like she’s gonna just bawl. I can’t imagine being around this girl when she has PMS. (Uh, she said she had never asked to start over before. I distinctly remember this happening during Every Breath You Take and once during Hollywood Week.)

(NOTE TO BROOKE: Even Bambi has enemies.)

The Chosen Eunuch (Think of Me)
Once these little girls hit high school, they will no longer think the Eunuch is soooo cute. See? These Mormon kids are real tough to coach, and “opening his eyes” is gonna throw him off of everything he’s ever been taught. I vaguely remember liking this song, as I can handle some showtunes about broken hearts and unrequited love. Some, but not all, and I think he had kind of bastardized this song because he lacks the emotional capacity to truly “sing” it. (And did he forget a lyric?) Its become a happy little song sung to a little girl he met on the boardwalk and now they have to go home for the summer after chaste kissing while sitting on cabanas during sunset. ARE THE JUDGES BLIND? DEAF? The arrangement blew, the Eunuch blew, and yes Simon, it was definitely one of his weakest performances.

(I actually backed up to this Acura commercial while fast forwarding because the guy in it was smoking hot. Or maybe not. Maybe just kind of smoking hot. Smoking hot hair and profile.)

Carly (Jesus Christ Superstar)
I think this could really be her week. Andrew Lloyd Webber gave her the best advice of the whole season. WOW. It’s like a completely different singer. And holy shit, she actually looks like she’s having FUN. Damn. That was her actually pretty great. Oh come on, Randy, that was her best performance. (Of course, part of me really wants to see Amanda Overmyer belt that number out for some reason.)

D-Cook (Music of the Night)
The pimp spot of the night obviously, after last week’s performance. Was calling him “Lloyd Andrew” (or Lord…as Webber was knighted) deliberate? No guitar. No bombast. He’s going out of his comfort zone and singing it…as is? But I think the husky low ranges kind of go with it nicely, yet he did effectively hit that high note. And I quite like the way he ended it. He’s proved he’s an “artist” and now I think he quieted any doubts of vocal prowess.

Rankings

1. David C. / Carly
2. Syesha
3. Stoner J.
4. Eunuch
5. Brooke

Bottom 2

Stoner Jason
Brooke

Hopefully, Brooke’s big time BIFF will get her the HELL out. I’m a bit fearful of losing Jason, as the producers of this show seem to be plucking them off boy-girl-boy-girl. But if Brooke goes, its going to be incredible entertainment. She’s gonna lose it. It’s going to be AWESOME, even if I try not to take pleasure in the pain of others…

(Thanks to Rickey for the photos!)