Ashley Ferl Cries Again

I didn’t watch last season but I remember seeing the video of the little girl who cried for Sanjaya. I thought she was oh, about 8 years old. I had no idea she was 13 until I saw something about her now crying for Jason Castro. It was also then I learned her name was Ashley Ferl, and if she was 13 when she cried for Sanjaya, she would probably now be 14.

(So can she attend all the American Idol tapings she wants? As long as she cries?)

Come on, Ashley Ferl! You’re 14. Are you telling me this is acceptable at your middle school? I don’t care of you’re getting free American Idol tickets! Middle school is a cruel & merciless place. I’ve blocked out my entire 7th and 8th grade years, especially any memory relating to a school dance. Crying shows weakness, Miss Ferl. You do not cry until you get home from school and crying on national television is never a good idea. I really like Jason Castro, too, but he hasn’t made me overcome with so much emotion that I shed tears. You need to control that sort of emotional overflow unless you want to die alone surrounded only by Nicholas Sparks books and the entire DVD set of Highway to Heaven. 

The Morning After The Night With Dolly

It wasn’t just us. Idolator was also distracted at the heavy amount of glitter adorning Kristy Lee Cook’s eyes. They also still like Jason Castro, too, in addition to detesting the amount of props unnecessarily given to that creepy little Archuleta kid. We like Idolator.

We also like EW’s Michael Slezak and his insightful Idol commentary (which is nearly dead-on with ours this week)

After the show, David Cook was briefly hospitalized with heart palpitations. If this was America’s Next Top Model, Tyra would have said he was “taken to the brink” but “remains fierce” and there would be ample footage. (Yo, Tyra, if you’re reading, have Mr. Jay kidnap Kristy Lee Newport News Catalog for a proper makeover!)

Doxology formally responds to the David Cook shoutout regarding their arrangement of Eleanor Rigby, proving they’re fame hungry douchebags, guilty of owning too many “hipster tees” from Urban Outfitters and playing at the opening of a new Guitar Center.

American Idol Top 9: It’s Dolly Night!

I love Dolly Parton. She’s a little bundle of joy.

Should be wearing Mom Jeans Brooke
I thought she sang well. It was fine. Nothing to write home about, but fine. But then she has to open her mouth during the post-song interview/judging. And what was that bit about telling Paula how much she liked her hair? Obviously, she’s trying to kiss ass. I hate blatant ass kissers. Ever since the John Mayer comment and hearing how she’s never seen a Rated R movie, coupled with the Mormonlicious parents, Brooke has been going down in my book.

Still Bad Hair David
Ok, they obviously did that little pre-song interview so he could face the rumors about him “stealing arrangements”, and I think its getting a bit ridiculous, since I CLEARLY heard him say he got Billie Jean from Chris Cornell and this seems to be lost on everyone else. So now he’s doing his “own arrangement”. I thought he did well, but I got a bigger kick out of Paula’s “I LIKE YOUR HAIRCUT”. American Idol is so much better when Paula says stupid shit. I want a Paula Percocet Cocktail. Still don’t like his hair and his smirk is kind of irritating, but he remains one of my favorites.

Muy Tiny Tranny Thai Ramikin
I know high waists are supposed to be “in” this season, but I’m never gonna go there. And these little outfits she wears, ugh. I’m sure she’s a nice girl, but I hate her pouting and she doesn’t deserve to be there. I don’t care what she’s singing or how she does, I never thought she should have made it to the finals and have been calling her gone (or bottom 3) every single week. One of these weeks, it’s going to happen. I hope its this week.

(The country music is making me sad. Country music has all those heartbreaking lyrics and shit. But that Dolly is such a bundle of joy, I then smile and try not to be sad.)

Stoner J
I think the judges are getting too hard on him these days. I’m glad he got some props, because as I say every week, I like him. How could that song not suit him? It was a good song choice for him, frankly. What? Was he gonna do 9 to 5? Yeah, his Hallalujah is gonna be really frakking hard to top. But there are so many other asshats on here that aren’t half as good as him. And will someone please take those stupid bracelets away from Randy?

Carly McMightbegrowingonmebutstillnotsure
I saw some early video of her singing in a third-tier shopping mall today on YouTube, and it was BAAAADDDD. I think there is a reason why she doesn’t do a lot of dancing on stage these days, and that’s a good thing, b/c what I saw was not good (and despite what Simon said about her wardrobe, that video was pretty terrible in the fashion department, too). I like the fact she’s not a stick figure. Have you noticed that on Idol, white women who sing are not allowed to be fat but if you’re black and have a BIG voice, you damn well better be? The more slender black girls never make it to the end. I thought she did good, but I still don’t like her-like her. But a) she’s not Mormon and b) she’s not Kristy Lee or Ramikin, sooo…I guess if I had to chose a female favorite now that my sweet rock & roll nurse is gone? (If I HAD to…)

That Stupid Kid
I don’t like watching him sing, but I like how Dolly referred to his “little emotion”, b/c you know, he’s a little kid. That’s one of the biggest reasons I hate WATCHING him, because he doesn’t have the life experience (or has just spent too long as a stage kid) to convey a lot of the emotions he sings about. There’s just something off about him and oh christ, those people are waving and he just mentioned Jesus. It’s too much for me to take. He’s getting pimped out again now, too. I’m just going to have to deal with him being around for the long haul, but it still creeps me out that little girls fantasize about him. When I was 13, I had a crushes on Alec Baldwin and Christian Slater (He was dark and edgy!) and thought Kirk Cameron had freaky-looking lips. Pretty boy teen idols are something I’ve never quite understood.

Closet Slut Kristy Kreme
I don’t get her clothes whatsoever, and I clearly remember seeing a bit on all the contestants going shopping on the first season I watched. If I was a stylist, I could do wonders with her. Her eyes are sparkling. No, literally. They’re surrounded in glitter. I wonder if I have any glitter, I’m going to make my eyes sparkle for work tomorrow. Wait, that probably wouldn’t be such a good idea so soon after Lasik. I’m really not going to say anything about her singing because she will be around another week, and frankly, I’m more concerned with getting Ramikin Hooker out before her horsey ass at this point. But she is totally angling to do bad things to Simon under the table. She keeps saying these things to him during the judging…she’s definitely angling for a Cowell-neck sweater (Did that make sense? It’s late, but it sounds kind of wrong, right?)

(Vanna’s here! You know, Vanna White looks pretty damn good for being 50 or so. Not overly botoxed or tucked or anything.)

I-Wanna-Be-Whitney-Before-Crack Syesha
Yes, she’s gorgeous, but obviously, that’s not enough. Even though she is going 2nd to last, doing I Will Always Love You was stupid, b/c frankly, no one wants to hear that song. In the words of Maya Rudolph as Whitney Houston — HELL TO THE HELL TO THE HELL TO THE NO!!! And Syesha just does not seem to be connection with the American Idol voting public. The vocals were fine, but I’m so done with chicks going on this show and doing Whitney Houston. (Even though its technically Dolly Parton, you know she just wanted to do Whitney.) When my niece was 2, she could sing this song perfectly. We have a bunch of videos. It was actually really cute and I just consider it her song, which sounds really gay but come on, the kid was TWO. It was kind of amazing, even when you consider I really hate that song.

Sexy Aussie
Props to him having gone to a Dolly concert. I really want to hang out with Dolly Parton because I think she would make me smile. I’m glad she’s on this week b/c I no longer had Chikieze to make me smile, and that made me SAD. I am going to say this is probably the best the Sexy Aussie has ever sounded and I’m trying not to pay attention to the Kilmer-does-Morrison mic moves, b/c that can get to me and he might not sounds as good or be as Sexy. He’s the kind of sexy that might switch to slimy if you’re not careful, hmmm, maybe its the scarf. But you know, he might just be my favorite of the night. Yeah, definitely the best.

All in all, I think Dolly week went better than either Beatles week. (Will be in Bottom 3: Ramikin, Syesha, Stoner J/Kristy)

MY Rankings

1. Sexy Aussie
2. The Hair Does Not Make The Man
3. Stoner J
4. Carly
5. Brooke
6. Syesha
7. Needs a Stylist Horsey Girl
8. That Stupid Kid
9. Ramikin