EW’s 15 Best American Idol Performances Ever

EW’s Michael Slezak opines his selections for the Top 15 Best American Idol Performances Ever. What’s nice about Entertainment Weekly’s arbitrary Idol lists is that they always include the video, which is good for people like me who couldn’t actually tell you anything Ruben Studdard sang.

But since they’ve provided the video, I may as well offer a quick critique.

15) Ruben Studdard — Superstar (The Carpenters)
This song will always remind me of Tommy Boy, and I don’t recognize the stage? How big was the audience then? (Hmmm…so this is where Bulgarian Idol got their set…)
I can’t really say anything bad about Ruben because he looks so nice and his voice was quite solid.

14) Trenyce — Proud Mary (Ike & Tina Turner / CCR)
I don’t know this Trenyce person, but it appears she got booted when her mugshot turned up on The Smoking Gun. Yeah, she’s pretty good. Even has the legs to pull off doing Tina (this is key). Wonder what she’s doing now. Hopefully, she’s kept her ass out of jail.

13) David Cook — Billie Jean (Michael Jackson / Chris Cornell)
Oh, good. I’ve already seen this one. And Ryan definitely said “Chris Cornell’s version”, which I totally remembered hearing. Now I would have opted for the inclusion of Cook’s version of Lionel Richie’s Hello because that may be the greatest ever cheesy music video, but his Billie Jean is pretty awesome. Hmmm…I think it may be necessary to listen to the performances again the next day, or even a few days later, to see how they stand up against “real” music. (NOTE: This also applies to photos on America’s Next Top Model. They may look all nice and shiny during that episode, and you think wow, that could so be in a decent magazine. Check them out a few weeks later and you’ll discover you are sadly mistaken.)

12) Clay Aiken — Solitaire (Neil Sedaka)
I would like to believe the popularity of Clay Aiken correlates to the shock of the dot-com bust, 9/11 and subsequent Iraq War. Really. Because nothing else except nationwide uncertainty and turmoil can explain the popularity of this utterly bizarre young man’s popularity during that season. Pinky, help me out here! Tell me why people were so ga-ga over the Gayken. I need to know.

11) Carrie Underwood — Alone (Heart)
I have never particularly cared for Carrie Underwood, in fact, I despised her during that entire season and now believe she’s bordering on looking anorexic. Although I hated her, I begrudgingly gave her some credit for doing a decent rendition of Alone. (Alone and Clay Aiken’s Bridge Over Troubled Water are the only two Idol songs Pinky has ever downloaded.) But honestly, with that tab closed and since I’m getting just the sound…yeah, it was a kind of awesome rendition. I realized Carrie Underwood wasn’t the devil that following season when that White Trash Pickler showed up on the scene.

10) Jordin Sparks — I Who Have Nothing (Tom Jones)
I don’t know much about Jordin Sparks except she sings these Tattoo and No Air songs I hear at least part on 4 out of 5 days on my way to work. Oh, and her dad was a football player or something. Wait…I think I’ve seen this before. Yeah, this may have been 1 of the 2 episodes I watched last season because I wanted to see Sanjaya.

9) That Creepy Kid — Imagine (John Lennon)
Ugh. I didn’t find this all that earth shattering. And why does the kid know Imagine but a mere week later, he told 25+ million people he had not heard any Beatles music. But he had heard John Lennon? Huh? If this kid has been prepped for American Idol (or any degree of singing fame) since before puberty, wouldn’t his musical education have touched on the most influential rock band of the 20th century at some point? I just don’t understand. This song sounds much better when you’re not looking at him, but one look at that android’s confusion at how to properly display human emotion and I lose all appreciation.

Melinda Doolittle — My Funny Valentine
Those are some mighty fine jazz vocals. Wow. That doesn’t even sound like something you would ever hear on American Idol. Please tell me this girl has a record deal or is touring with a jazz band or something, because White Trash Pickler actually got an album deal out of this show and sang at the Grand Ole Opry. Because if Melinda Doolittle is still just “taking meetings” and Kellie Pickler has a quasi-successful country album, then there really is no justice in this world.

7) Chris Daughtry — Hemorrage (Fuel)
I’ve listened to the original of this song probably 100 times, so it is difficult to compare. It’s not quite as good, but then again, it’s not supposed to be. But I can definitly say this is one guy I’m glad to see doing very well for himself. (And yeah, I’ve downloaded a few of his post-Idol songs.)

6) Jennifer Hudson — Circle of Life (Elton John)
I hate Disney movie music, especially those songs done by aging popstars. But I like Jennifer Hudson because I like it when good people get lucky, as she has done ever since she got booted off the show. Jesus, she won an Oscar. I watched Dreamgirls on cable just to see her performance. In fact, I’m even going to listen to this song just because I kind of like that Jennifer Hudson chick, even if I never saw her on Idol. Ok. Still hate this song, but she still an Oscar so who the frak really cares?

5) Bo Bice — In A Dream (Badlands)
I loved Bo. I hated Carrie. I vowed never to watch this stupid show again after he lost. Bo’s acoustic performance of In A Dream was incredible, although such a “stunt” seems almost commonplace this season. I really hope his career picks up a bit of steam because he’s got talent and should be doing more than the theme song for Blades of Glory.

4) Blake Lewis — You Give Love A Bad Name (Bon Jovi)
I remember seeing this guy do this performance. I thought, oh, kind of interesting, but you still look like a tool. A douche frappe. A choad. A chooch. The guy mimed. But it was risky and it was kind of cool. Still doesn’t change the fact this guy looks like a complete dillweed.

3) Elliott Yamin — A Song For You (Donnie Hathaway)
I don’t care much for modern R&B, but for some reason, Elliott Yamin grew on me throughout that season. I actually kind of dug his debut single, too. And you can’t just dislike a guy that has to be as nice as he looks. Oh wait, this was the Andrea Bocelli episode. I had no idea Bocelli was blind until I saw this episode. Yeah. Color me stupid.

2) Kelly Clarkson — Stuff Like That There
As someone who discovered Ms. Clarkson with her second album and isn’t familiar with her Idol performances, I still think she’s the best one who ever won the damn thing. Wow. I’ve never seen this, DAMN. The people they got now, they all suck donkey balls. Is this the same show?

1) Fantasia Barrino — Summertime
That was good, don’t know if it was the best, but it was good. She definitely showed emotion and stage presence. What is she doing now?

American Idol Top 8: Uninspirational, yet Uplifted

I have mixed a stiff beverage for tonight’s Idol festivities, as the phrase “inspirational songs” tends to scare me. At least I can take solace in the fact no one will be singing Chicago’s You’re The Inspiration (Bright side…looking on the bright side…).

Now let’s get down to business. Nice to see the CEO of Ford is in the house! Whoo hoo. He should get some primo seats when he is forking over that much for advertising. Randy, why don’t you take off those stupid little kid craft bracelets. Paula, can you breathe with your implants elevated in such a manner? Simon, looking a little grey, better dab a bit of Grecian Formula on before the results show.

#1 Michael Johns
Dream On (Aerosmith)
NO! He’s wearing a cravat. A paisley cravat, as well as being in the unfortunate first position. This man loves his cravats and vests. I wonder how those falsetto yells are gonna go over, plus the judges are never nice to the first performer (Unless its that stupid kid). Randy, shut up. You just go for pitchy whenever you want to criticize, and why can’t Michael Johns like Aerosmith? Jesus. I would listen to him sing that 10 times over ANY Stupid Kid performance…
Percocet Paula Sage Wisdom: My chichuauas are ready to join you on stage with those high notes.

(Wait…is she talking about her dogs or uttering a cry for help about how uncomfortable her breasts are in that dress?)

#2 Syesha Mercado
I Believe (Fantasia)
Before even picking up the mic, Syesha has already lost points in my book for choosing a former Idol song and uttering an incredibly irritating “Hey Girl” to Ramiele. This girl can sing. Her voice is pleasant, but I just really really really want her to take a risk. She also falls back on the wail. “Diva” singers today just wail, the Mariahs, the Christinas…it is just plain boring. Of course it’s just going to be “ok”. You cannot do an Idol song on American Idol, let alone one that was the big finale song. And there was no “emotion”. Agreed.

#3 Jason Castro
Over The Rainbow (Hawaiian Uke Guy)
Honestly, the perfect song choice for him, even if it isn’t much of a “stretch”. Funny how David Cook is never told to “stretch himself” when he focuses strictly on the rock, and Chikieze was never given the proper respect for going out of his comfort zone. I’m glad Castro got some encouraging words from the judges this week, because he is consistent, even if he never gets a lot of credit for that or staying true to himself.

#4 Kristy Lee Cook
Anyway (Martina McBride)
Looks like Ms. Cook has been snorting the glitter again, but you gotta give the girl credit for knowing if you’re probably gonna get the boot, better pull out all the stops. Like wearing a skin-toned sequined tank top to emphasize the breasts. I don’t hate her as much these days because Brooke continues to irritate me and frankly, a very small part of me admires her conniving and manipulative tactics at sticking around. She wasn’t bad, nothing I particularly care for, but much better than he past performances. And speaking of breasts, Paula has used makeup to accent her cleavage. Oh look, there is Will from Will & Grace. Oh, wow. Simon and Kristy totally just had a moment. She is soooo gonna bang him.

(Wow. This Mike Darnell person totally just made me figure out why Constantine is still gainfully employed by American Idol.)

#5 David Cook
Innocent (Our Lady Peace)
Wow. No guitar. Definitely the first time anyone has sang Our Lady Peace on the Idol stage. What is that scrunchy-just-bit-into-lemon-face he is making during certain notes? How bizarre. While it proved some vocal differentiation and he lost the security of his guitar, it wasn’t as good as his past performances. And the whole hand thing, while very nice…I don’t know. He just kind of strikes me as cocky sometimes, a nice guy, but also a bit cocky. Oh wow. Paula is doing bust improving exercises and I swear she can’t breathe properly in that dress. I don’t think he’s in danger of leaving so one so-so performance isn’t something he should sweat.

(Christ, I bet That Stupid Kid is going last. That’s the second time he’s gone last. He always almost goes close to last. Please say it isn’t so? Why don’t they just give him the damn prize right now?)

#6 Carly Smithson
Show Us The Love (Queen)
Why, Carly, you are almost looking luminous this evening. That’s the best her hair has ever looked and quite possibly, she has ever looked on this show. (I mean, I follow the advice that when it doubt, its best to wear a breast-accentuating tank top.) Singing Freddie Mercury, if you can, is good when you’re trying to show off vocal power. Ok. Now I am not obsessed with breasts, as tonight’s commentary would imply, but Paula’s cleavage is driving me nuts. Simon, ok, one person’s anger is another person’s inspiration. I didn’t think she was bad. I don’t love Carly, but that was not at all a bad performance. Maybe she will end up in the bottom 3…just not sure…

#7 The 12th Cylon
Angels (Robbie Williams)
David Archuleta is a cylon. I know that on some basestar, somewhere in outer space, there are a 100 little Archuleta’s running around. Except cylons exhibit more human-like behavior than this robotic teenager. He’s more like Vicki on Small Wonder, perhaps. But I’m still staying with my theory. This kid is unable to express the emotional range needed to pull off well, any song not done by Disney for the tween set. When the judges talk about connecting emotionally to a song, why don’t they ever mention how he is a cylon or Small Wonder and unable to convey these things through his performances? Christ, this song has the most annoying “hook” or chorus line, it just always goes through me like nails against a chalkboard. Oh, can’t someone just go and box his model??
Paula Percocet Sage Wisdom: You need your sleep!

(Ryan, nice try, but that security woman plays Bingo, not Keno.)

#8 Brooke White Bread
You’ve Got a Friend (Carole King / James Taylor)
Well, I’m glad I have a bit of my drink left because I’m gonna need to chug it before her post-performance babbling. Wow, all the chicks are snorting the glitter tonight. When she sings, I feel as if she is scolding me and sticking me in the corner for a timeout, because she obviously won’t spank a child, but just scold them gently. That’s the feeling I get, and watching her is becoming a little like punishment. Oh, she’s crying. I can’t take it. The tilted-head smile, the, ugh…ok. I have to admit it. I officially prefer Kristy Lee Cook over Brooke White.

Yeah…tonight, semi-painful. Do I even bother ranking them? I feel like I should at least rank the female participants based upon their breasts. If you can’t uplift the spirt, then…

Uplifted Breast Rankings

1) Kristy Lee Cook (You’re not as dumb as you look, sweetheart, which is the only reason you’re still on that stage.)
2) Carly Smithson (The best she’s looked all-around. Period.)
3) Syesha Mercado (You were wearing a jacket, so its a tough call)
4) Paula Abdul (While weird looking, you couldn’t breathe so I need to give you something for your suffering, even if you do have the best pills and have lost that tenuous grasp on reality ever since you danced with MC Scat Cat)
5) Security Ladies in Mosh Pit (Those uniforms do nothing for the female figure)
6) Brooke White (I doubt you own any lingerie, let alone boob shirts, and every girl needs a proper boob shirt. People as wholesome as you are not to be trusted.)

Bottom 3: Syesha, Michael Johns, Carly
Going home: Kristy Lee Cook — VFTW and her breasts pull out a victory, plus judges’ approval will keep her out of the bottom 3. She’s defied the odds for this long, and Syesha consistently leaves the audience feeling empty. This is a tough one, because Idol has yet to have a “shocking elimination” and Carly may be as good as gone. But I’m gonna go with…Syesha. Why the hell did she do that song?

Thanks to Rickey.org for the photos!