American Idol Top 8: Uninspirational, yet Uplifted

I have mixed a stiff beverage for tonight’s Idol festivities, as the phrase “inspirational songs” tends to scare me. At least I can take solace in the fact no one will be singing Chicago’s You’re The Inspiration (Bright side…looking on the bright side…).

Now let’s get down to business. Nice to see the CEO of Ford is in the house! Whoo hoo. He should get some primo seats when he is forking over that much for advertising. Randy, why don’t you take off those stupid little kid craft bracelets. Paula, can you breathe with your implants elevated in such a manner? Simon, looking a little grey, better dab a bit of Grecian Formula on before the results show.

#1 Michael Johns
Dream On (Aerosmith)
NO! He’s wearing a cravat. A paisley cravat, as well as being in the unfortunate first position. This man loves his cravats and vests. I wonder how those falsetto yells are gonna go over, plus the judges are never nice to the first performer (Unless its that stupid kid). Randy, shut up. You just go for pitchy whenever you want to criticize, and why can’t Michael Johns like Aerosmith? Jesus. I would listen to him sing that 10 times over ANY Stupid Kid performance…
Percocet Paula Sage Wisdom: My chichuauas are ready to join you on stage with those high notes.

(Wait…is she talking about her dogs or uttering a cry for help about how uncomfortable her breasts are in that dress?)

#2 Syesha Mercado
I Believe (Fantasia)
Before even picking up the mic, Syesha has already lost points in my book for choosing a former Idol song and uttering an incredibly irritating “Hey Girl” to Ramiele. This girl can sing. Her voice is pleasant, but I just really really really want her to take a risk. She also falls back on the wail. “Diva” singers today just wail, the Mariahs, the Christinas…it is just plain boring. Of course it’s just going to be “ok”. You cannot do an Idol song on American Idol, let alone one that was the big finale song. And there was no “emotion”. Agreed.

#3 Jason Castro
Over The Rainbow (Hawaiian Uke Guy)
Honestly, the perfect song choice for him, even if it isn’t much of a “stretch”. Funny how David Cook is never told to “stretch himself” when he focuses strictly on the rock, and Chikieze was never given the proper respect for going out of his comfort zone. I’m glad Castro got some encouraging words from the judges this week, because he is consistent, even if he never gets a lot of credit for that or staying true to himself.

#4 Kristy Lee Cook
Anyway (Martina McBride)
Looks like Ms. Cook has been snorting the glitter again, but you gotta give the girl credit for knowing if you’re probably gonna get the boot, better pull out all the stops. Like wearing a skin-toned sequined tank top to emphasize the breasts. I don’t hate her as much these days because Brooke continues to irritate me and frankly, a very small part of me admires her conniving and manipulative tactics at sticking around. She wasn’t bad, nothing I particularly care for, but much better than he past performances. And speaking of breasts, Paula has used makeup to accent her cleavage. Oh look, there is Will from Will & Grace. Oh, wow. Simon and Kristy totally just had a moment. She is soooo gonna bang him.

(Wow. This Mike Darnell person totally just made me figure out why Constantine is still gainfully employed by American Idol.)

#5 David Cook
Innocent (Our Lady Peace)
Wow. No guitar. Definitely the first time anyone has sang Our Lady Peace on the Idol stage. What is that scrunchy-just-bit-into-lemon-face he is making during certain notes? How bizarre. While it proved some vocal differentiation and he lost the security of his guitar, it wasn’t as good as his past performances. And the whole hand thing, while very nice…I don’t know. He just kind of strikes me as cocky sometimes, a nice guy, but also a bit cocky. Oh wow. Paula is doing bust improving exercises and I swear she can’t breathe properly in that dress. I don’t think he’s in danger of leaving so one so-so performance isn’t something he should sweat.

(Christ, I bet That Stupid Kid is going last. That’s the second time he’s gone last. He always almost goes close to last. Please say it isn’t so? Why don’t they just give him the damn prize right now?)

#6 Carly Smithson
Show Us The Love (Queen)
Why, Carly, you are almost looking luminous this evening. That’s the best her hair has ever looked and quite possibly, she has ever looked on this show. (I mean, I follow the advice that when it doubt, its best to wear a breast-accentuating tank top.) Singing Freddie Mercury, if you can, is good when you’re trying to show off vocal power. Ok. Now I am not obsessed with breasts, as tonight’s commentary would imply, but Paula’s cleavage is driving me nuts. Simon, ok, one person’s anger is another person’s inspiration. I didn’t think she was bad. I don’t love Carly, but that was not at all a bad performance. Maybe she will end up in the bottom 3…just not sure…

#7 The 12th Cylon
Angels (Robbie Williams)
David Archuleta is a cylon. I know that on some basestar, somewhere in outer space, there are a 100 little Archuleta’s running around. Except cylons exhibit more human-like behavior than this robotic teenager. He’s more like Vicki on Small Wonder, perhaps. But I’m still staying with my theory. This kid is unable to express the emotional range needed to pull off well, any song not done by Disney for the tween set. When the judges talk about connecting emotionally to a song, why don’t they ever mention how he is a cylon or Small Wonder and unable to convey these things through his performances? Christ, this song has the most annoying “hook” or chorus line, it just always goes through me like nails against a chalkboard. Oh, can’t someone just go and box his model??
Paula Percocet Sage Wisdom: You need your sleep!

(Ryan, nice try, but that security woman plays Bingo, not Keno.)

#8 Brooke White Bread
You’ve Got a Friend (Carole King / James Taylor)
Well, I’m glad I have a bit of my drink left because I’m gonna need to chug it before her post-performance babbling. Wow, all the chicks are snorting the glitter tonight. When she sings, I feel as if she is scolding me and sticking me in the corner for a timeout, because she obviously won’t spank a child, but just scold them gently. That’s the feeling I get, and watching her is becoming a little like punishment. Oh, she’s crying. I can’t take it. The tilted-head smile, the, ugh…ok. I have to admit it. I officially prefer Kristy Lee Cook over Brooke White.

Yeah…tonight, semi-painful. Do I even bother ranking them? I feel like I should at least rank the female participants based upon their breasts. If you can’t uplift the spirt, then…

Uplifted Breast Rankings

1) Kristy Lee Cook (You’re not as dumb as you look, sweetheart, which is the only reason you’re still on that stage.)
2) Carly Smithson (The best she’s looked all-around. Period.)
3) Syesha Mercado (You were wearing a jacket, so its a tough call)
4) Paula Abdul (While weird looking, you couldn’t breathe so I need to give you something for your suffering, even if you do have the best pills and have lost that tenuous grasp on reality ever since you danced with MC Scat Cat)
5) Security Ladies in Mosh Pit (Those uniforms do nothing for the female figure)
6) Brooke White (I doubt you own any lingerie, let alone boob shirts, and every girl needs a proper boob shirt. People as wholesome as you are not to be trusted.)

Bottom 3: Syesha, Michael Johns, Carly
Going home: Kristy Lee Cook — VFTW and her breasts pull out a victory, plus judges’ approval will keep her out of the bottom 3. She’s defied the odds for this long, and Syesha consistently leaves the audience feeling empty. This is a tough one, because Idol has yet to have a “shocking elimination” and Carly may be as good as gone. But I’m gonna go with…Syesha. Why the hell did she do that song?

Thanks to Rickey.org for the photos!