Those Manipulative Idol People Made Me Give Them $25

Dancers wearing terrible costumes. Why are dancer costumes so damn horrible?

Idols come out…singing Rhianna…completely butcher the whole “say on a top a mountaintop kumbaya” whatever that part is exactly. Which I can understand being easy to butcher, but it still sounds like crap. Why is Ryan Seacrest dancing?

Some NASCAR driver…

Maria Shriver, I’ve always liked you, kind of admired you, actually, so I feel the need to tell you that its time to put the Botox needle down.

Ben Stiller…why do I find it kind of difficult to believe you volunteer? You’ve always struck me as kind of a tightly-wound asshat.

Jennifer Connelly is absolutely beautiful. And she has made me appreciate my bottle of water.

SNOOP DOGG. And some cute little kids behind him. I soooo hope Jason Castro and him smoked a fat blunt in the green room. That would rule. Taylor Hicks actually performed Gin & Juice with Snoop on stage at some concert once, so I imagine he must kind of be an Idol fan.

2^nd commercial…already getting tired. Some WWE guy shows up. I don’t know Triple H, but I have always liked The Rock.

Paula and Randy come out on stage to that absolutely horrible song. I realize that it’s really pathetic when other children are starving when kids in this country suffer from increased rates of obesity …wait, where are the overweight kids? Now we’re talking about gang activity. I thought Randy was gonna buy a bunch of children gastric bypass or something. Wait, now kids are eating healthy and playing in a park.

Oh Christ, Carrie Underwood, looking too skinny and James Denton is her “plumber” (Bit of trivia, he was the inspiration for the song Strawberry Wine). Now Teri Hatcher is singing that Carrie Underwood song. Why am I watching this show? And why can’t I ever sing horrible karaoke in front of a full-out band? But I do like that James Denton, please show more shots of him so I don’t have to see Teri Hatcher sing. And did she get new implants during the WGA strike?

Who is this Mary Murphy and why is she yelling?

Oh. Those are the Jonas Brothers. I think they’re all about being virgins or something. And here’s Billy Crystal who hasn’t been funny since City Slickers. And Miley Cyrus shows up. Ok. I kind of like Miley Cyrus. I watched a couple of episodes of Hannah Montana while home for the holidays in order to talk to my one niece and figure out what all this fuss was about, and she’s kind of likeable. And whatever, I totally downloaded that See You Again song b/c it’s just ridiculously infectious. I hate when older celebrities and younger celebrities do that whole “you’re out of touch” banter.

Is this over yet? No, it’s only been about 34 minutes. Now Miley Cyrus is singing and I realize she’s actually kind of fun to watch perform and I am beginning to hope that she won’t end up like the Olsen twins or Britney. And this shouldn’t be something that bothers me, but that Miley Cyrus is so darn spunky.

Wait. So if I call, I can talk to Chikieze? So are these people sitting on the stage alone right now b/c this stuff was taped last weekend? No, there are people. I’m utterly confused. They’re lying about the Idols answering phones, I know it. But I am tempted to call in the hopes of Chikieze answering my call.

Bono! Bono, come on, can’t you be a guest mentor? I can bitch about Bono being a pompous blowhard, but the guy honestly gives a frak about helping people, which might just excuse him from being a pompous blowhard. And it’s Bono. With the exception of the tour where he wore the silver spacesuit, U2 is still a great band.

Oh, I like Julienne Moore. Maria Shriver should really be using whoever is giving Julienne Moore her botox.

John Legend, good. Fergie,bad. And this song is excruciating. Sorry John Legend, but you’re getting the fast forward.

Oooh, Heart. Oh wow, I had no idea she had gotten that big. I love Heart. Whatever. Come on, don’t let Fergie sing Barracuda, of course, its better than Fergie singing anything original or a Black Eyed Peas number. Maybe part of the reason I don’t like Fergie is because she kind of resembles Kirstie Alley? Who knows, I don’t plan on giving much thought to it. Or her one-handed cartwheels.

Another WWE guy…17,000^th commercial break and still not even half over.

Adam Sandler urges people to call, the Idols sitting with their Macbook Airs are trying to get me to call. Like I really need to know if,…Oh, shit, there’s Amanda. I want to talk to CHILE!! I know this is all a sham but they are trying so hard to tempt me and I worry I’m going to be pulling out my debit card in the next 10 minutes. And now when they went to the other screen to show the Manning brothers, I am about to believe they really are answering the phones.

I’m bargaining with myself. I’ve only given $25 to charity this year. That’s not right. And that was more fundraising for a friend running the marathon, yeah, it’s charity, but…why is this show toying with my emotions? And I do appreciate the Mannings could give back when that idiot Tom Brady is just hanging with his supermodel girlfriend. That’s not giving back. Christ, why do I keep bargaining with myself??

Oh, hello Posh and Becks. Please stay away from TomKat. Please stay far away from those lunatics…oh now they’re making me try and call again and they’ve brought back Bono. Bono without his pompous sunglasses. And my phone is sitting here b/c I just received a text. Must…be…strong…Now Annie Lennox is in Africa and I’ve been inundated with too many UK accents and BBC camera filters that I’m really, really wanting to give back. If I hear Annie Lennox sing, that’s it. Wait, she’s crying. I can’t fight it anymore. I want to give back. And Annie Lennox is about to sing. Now I want to go to Africa and help people.

I am completely buying into this show and not feeling as dirty and manipulated as I thought I would…I think I need to give $25 before Carrie Underwood comes back out and ruins my charitable mindset.

Kiefer Sutherland. Well, he does star on a Fox show.

Celine Dion went to Africa for a few days, but this just feels like a photo op. And Jimmy Kimmel is here, which means Sarah Silverman will also be there. If they’re involved, it would make it ok for me to give…right?

And we’re going to see Simon be a nice guy, which doesn’t surprise me. I like Simon Cowell, even if he is responsible for Il Divo.

There’s Carrie Underwood wearing a dress designed for the Q&A portion of a pageant. It looks like melted rainbow sherbet swirling around in a polluted swamp. MUTE. Now I’m calling. Fine. I called. I gave $25. Unfortunately, none of the Idol contestants answered. I knew it was fake. They just like to tell you it might happen. Telethons can be such a racket!

Whoopi, Ellen..Now we come to…ugh, Gloria Estefan singing that Get On Your Feet song, but Sheila E. is there! Sheila E.! I have the sudden urge to see if I can download The Glamorous Life from iTunes. Sorry, Gloria, I like you, but I don’t like much of your music. I’m gonna have to fast forward. Stopped for the Shelia E. drum solo. Dancers wearing bad costumes.

Oh, good. Sarah Silverman showed up. Now I don’t feel like such a tool. It would be cool if Matt Damon showed up and they performed. Just saying…

Not only is Malaria horrible, but wiping it out would prevent George Bush from bastardizing African music and dance ever again. Between Sarah Silverman, Forest Whitaker, the dying children in Angola and Sia’s Breathe playing in the background, I suddenly feel kind of gooey inside knowing I gave $25. I’m just going to assume it goes to charitable stuff and not worry about all those dollars that manage to go unaccounted for…

Bring in the politicians. Prime Minister Brown…back to Idols playing on phone. Why would it have been odd for Brooke not to be supporting Save the Children?

Keith Urban says something…Reese Witherspoon shows up…going to New Orleans. I’m sure they’re saving Brad Pitt for the end.

The Idols come out to sing Seasons of Love. This can’t be good. That song from Rent. Never understood all the fuss about Rent. The 12th Cylon is trying to inflect emotion into the song by closing his eyes. Ok, well Michael Johns and David Cook do it too, but it’s just not as annoying when they do it.

Oh Idol Gives Back, just end. You already have my $25, which is good, because it was going to be tougher for me to have picked up that phone had Dane Cook already come out on stage. Alicia Keys is so purdy, and I am trying not to wonder how long it takes to braid her hair and concentrate on the segment.

High School Musical skanks show up…they’re taking away from my urge to become an aid worker in Africa. Oooh, Miley Cyrus is back and she’s singing that most awesome of guilty pleasure songs. I can’t help it. I love this song. It’s just too damn catchy. I can’t help it!! Now there is a video of her and Billy Ray in Kentucky and I feel the overwhelming urge to re-watch the incredible documentary, Lalee’s Kin. I now want to rescue poor American children and prevent them from getting pregnant at age 13.

Robin Williams shows up pretending to be the “Russian Idol”. Whatever. You know who should have been on this show? VALENTINA HASAN! Maybe she will be there next week when Mariah Carey comes by…that would be so incredibly awesome.

Brad Pitt finally shows up and he’s hot. Which isn’t surprising because he’s Brad Pitt. Cute little scene with the fallen mic. I’ve actually read some stuff about Make It Right and looked at the housing designs. It’s pretty cool and I’m genuinely interested to see the results. Daughtry also went to Africa. (Yeah, Carrie Underwood, where did you go to give back? Huh?)

Ok. The Tivo has cut it off. I am thankful. Thankful that this whole arduous 2.5 hour show is finally over. And thankful that Battlestar Galactica is finally returned, washing the bad Idol taste left in my mouth from earlier in the week. Oh, and thankful I don’t have it all that bad in life when it comes down to it.

(I’m sure I will feel manipulated by midnight. I’m just gonna go with this semi-warm fuzziness for now.)

Apparently, my Tivo ended right before the Idols sang Shout to the Lord. COME ON! Ok. Now I want my $25 back. Was I watching the Trinity Broadcasting Network? Did I also miss it when Kirk Cameron took the stage?

Now I feel so un-fuzzy.