Ok. I don’t need to see a recap of last night, mainly because that seemed little event had to be at least 5 hours long. As if results shows aren’t tough enough to sit through. Wait. Maybe this little recap means there’s not going to be a group sing! I will gladly watch Annie Lennox over that crap.
Pizza is here. Ooops. Seems I was wrong. Group sing. And its the jesus song. This is worse than I ever could have imagined. But its good to see Kristy Lee finally did her hair properly again. Jason Castro does not want to be singing this song and its completely evident in his facial expression. Or he’s completely baked. Either way, awesome.
I only know what this song is because its on some Time Life compilation of Jesus music and I’ve seen the ad, which is even more scary because the way people sway at those big Jesus shows. Let me tell you something, pendejo, I’m just going to pretend they’re singing to The Jesus and his his incredible bowling skills and hairnet. Nobody fraks with The Jesus.
Who are these twin blond boys who look like Chastity Bono? And now there is some version of I’m a Believer with the most random people ever. Like Dr. Phil, the little boy lesbian-looking twins, some chick wearing this yellow Marc by Marc Jacobs dress that would be perfect for a 1970s key party, Selma Blair, Baby Spice, Eddie Izzard, Ricki Lake. Uh, ok…Let’s just get this crap over with before I bust out the Drano.
Wholesome Hemmeroids is safe. David Cook is safe. This looks like I’m gonna be right on. Now they’re bringing out The Stupid Kid to ridiculous fanfare. Could they be pimping him out even more? (Main reason The Chosen One scares me: He is the first in a breed of robotic stage kids groomed not just for stardom, but specifically for stardom on American Idol. The kid’s been singing an entire repetoire of uplifting / moving ballads since he’s been in diapers, hanging out at Idol auditions…isn’t this all just a little bit too weird?)
I think I was actually begging for more Malaria awareness videos. Seriously. The world needs to see more of these things. I so do not want Forest Whittaker to be a closeted Scientologist. He’s was too awesome, way too smart…please, no…and he’s about to get me to fork over another $10 to Idol Gives Back. Must be strong.
Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown, the latter of which I’m still not sure who he is, except he’s supposedly banging Rhianna, which I’ve gathered from the occasional perusing of Perez Hilton. It’s difficult to believe Jordin Sparks is only about 5 minutes older than The Chosen One. Now they are handing out records…this is getting tedious.
The Ford video could have been a lot worse. I kind of like that song, so whatever, it wasn’t too horrible. But can someone tell me how The Chosen One isn’t um, out of the closet yet? Jason Castro is safe…yeah, they’re totally leaving the bottom 3 for the end, all at once, that’s why they’ve had so much “fluff” material this evening.
Bono is back. And they finally decided to throw in the presidential candidates, because you know, they got cut from last night’s show for some Robin Williams nonsense and a second song by Miley Cyrus. Hilary talks about her work, big surprise. McCain is affable and funny. Obama is gracious and charming. I then am immediately forced to look at some ugly ass shirt Randy is wearing. Oh come on. They better eliminate someone tonight.
Fast forward…I will not be watching Don’t Forget The Lyrics (But Pinky LOVES that show, go figure). Sorry, but I liked Carly’s performance and she’s finally….WHAT?
Michael has the lowest number of votes, but oh guess what…no one is gonna go home. Oh wait, he is going home. Goddamn you, stupid Ryan Seacrest. I knew you were going to do that. You know you only like to frak with people because you probably have a small penis and this makes you feel better about your shortcomings in life.
That’s so not right. Whatever. No there is no more eye candy and I’m going to be forced to sit through more wannabe diva ballads courtesy of Syesha. I call bullshit. This is part of the conspiracy to make The Stupid Kid the winner, I just know it. This crap is soooo fixed. Oh, bye Sexy Aussie. This is sad. I so wish the best for you and while you may not become a huge huge star one day, you will do infinitely better than Chalmydia Constantine.
So long Sexy Aussie, so long. Next time, lose the cravat.
April 11, 2008 at 1:37 am
my cuz luvs him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!she rlly does!!!!hes save hah!!!!!
April 11, 2008 at 4:32 am
That was completely unexpected. I’ll miss the sexy accent. At what point can we be hemorrhoid free? Where’s the Prep-H when we need it.
April 11, 2008 at 1:33 pm
These voters don’t know what they are doing.
April 14, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I’m still too biter that I’ve had that stupid Miley Cyrus song stuck in my head for almost a week now! I’m stu-stu-stuttering…. As much as I’ll miss Michael Hutchenson-er Johns I don’t think he was the best singer.
April 14, 2008 at 1:10 pm
OH and you rock for the random Big Lebowski shout out… but I don’t roll on the shabbas