The American Idol Songwriting Contest finalists will make you want to scratch out your eyes

(By the way, I need to come clean. I downloaded my first Idol song on iTunes last night. Michael Johns’ It’s All Wrong, But It’s All Right. I still think it was bullshit he got booted so I downloaded his song. Yeah, I know, first they take $25 for charity and now .99, but I still have never voted! So take, that, American frakking Idol!)

The wonderful Rickey.org posted all 20 of the American Idol Songwriting Contest Entries on his equally-as-wonderful blog.

Hopefully I will finish this post without clawing my eyes out, but I’m not promising anything.

You Believed In Me
Sample lyric: There were so many times I was so low / I reached up to touch the ground
Terrible “rock” that not even Matchbox 20 would touch with Rob Thomas’ 2-inch pole. And I’m feeling a total Jesus vibe going on, even with nary a mention of God or the Christchild.

Overcome
Sample lyric: And I have overcome / I have changed my ways / Look what I’ve become
Ooooh, deep. Written for people whose meth labs blew up and then subsequently found Jesus.

(Only 2 down, but the pseudo-rock vibe could lend itself to inspirational pop in each of these entires, adding more evidence to my David-David final conspiracy.)

Here I Am
Sample lyric: Now I think I really know / the path I want was the way to go / ’cause I’m ready now
I hope no one just saw me vomit in my little trash can. A shit ballad written to bring in the always-on-call Idol gospel choir.

Stronger
Sample lyric: You came here for the rush of a moment / when you warmed down / you gotta keep going
Bit of a country vibe to this one. Same bullshit about getting up when you’re down, yada yada. The chorus? No, I’m not kidding — If it takes a little longer / It’ll make you stronger

You Can Do Anything
Sample lyric: You waited to answer destiny’s call / Your moment has come where you stand tall
My eyes are itching. Itching something fierce. This song is the auditory equilivent of Kellie Martin.

Fly Me Away
Sample lyric: Fly Me Away / Up where we belong / Fly me away / Where angels roam
I couldn’t understand a lot of what was going on in this song, except some stuff about wanting to be flown away from fears and lonely days with no tomorrow. This is the most uninspired piece of garbage I’ve heard since, oh, yeah, whatever was listed before.

When You Come From Nothing
Sample lyric: Even when times were tough / I wouldn’t give up / Or give into all the doubts
There is that country vibe again, which makes sense, because it’s all about “coming from nothing”.  A lot of country songs talk about that crap and that Pickler twat used her nothing roots to somehow get a career, proving once again that some people who come from nothing should stay there.

Faith
Sample lyric: Looks like we made it after all / look what faith can do / it led me to you
Itchy, itchy eyes. I need to tape on those plastic shields they made me wearing following the Lasik or else all that money I spent on new eyes is about to be wasted.

(BTW, I haven’t been able to get through the whole song since the first 2, just saying, but I’ve heard enough to get the gist.)

Believe
Sample lyric: If you can see it / then just believe it / you know you can reach it
Some R&B Usher-y sounding crap. With the chorus going on much longer than necessary. Looking for a sharp object…

All You Will Need
Sample lyric: Its evident that I have been sent to save your soul / by getting you to just let go / I am all you will need to be free
This starts off more promising than the others, the actual music isn’t as bad, but then here come the lyrics, which have been done similarly in countless other songs and much better. I can’t believe professionals are writing this shit.

Thank You Whatever Comes
Sample lyric: I wasn’t blind / I just needed some time / to notice what was missing in my life / and you brought the light of a new day
I can already tell from the opening piano that its gonna be one of the worst things I’ve ever heard in my entire life. It’s one of those terrible, semi-country first-dance wedding songs used by people who buy their wedding gowns at Davis Bridal for $99 and have their reception in a room with stained knotted pine wood paneling.

In This Moment
Sample lyric: Staring throughs windows at my own reflection / how can a window encompasses perfection?
Didn’t Idol already do a song with the word “moment” in it? This sounds like that bullshit “pop-punk”, like Sum 41 or Good Charlotte, or whoever sings that terrible Delilah song or the one called The Reason Is You or something like that.

Dream Big
Sample lyric: But if you don’t dream big / what’s the use in dreaming / if you don’t have faith / there’s nothing worth believin’
I swear I’ve heard this “country” song a zillion times before, as it sounds like that standard female country song done by any woman who currently sings country.

Something Like Heaven
Sample lyric: I said goodbye to the boy I once knew / he is not himself / cause lovin’ you make me feel like someone new / as my friends can tell
Didn’t Idol also already do a song with “heaven” in the title? Oh christ, this is terrible, more love song than uplifting, it still mentions the object of the singer’s affection being an angel and then heaven is said a lot, so you know, it just has to be UPLIFTING, right?

You Believe In Me
Sample lyric: From the moment that we met / I felt your heartbeat in my every step / My spirit is finally free / Cause you believe in me
Won’t there be some issues with featuring a song You Believe In Me AND another entitled You Believed In Me in this competition? Oh shit, this starts off BAD. BAD. BAD. Every copy of this shit needs to be burned because its beyond horrible.

(Had to take break to save eyes and sanity)

Align
Sample lyric: But it feels like the moon the earth / the stars around me align / and make me believe their secret is still finding you
Pretty much what you would find by a terrible semi-cover rock band in a terrible bar on any given terrible night.

We’re Gonna Make It
Sample lyric: All these demons telling us we’re stupid crazy / there’s temptation waiting around every bend / and I miss you sometimes more than I can stand
When I think one song is the worst, then I hear another one and it becomes the worst. This one is, I don’t know, they’re just all sounding the same at this point.

The Time of My Life
Sample lyric: I’ve been looking for that magic rainbow on the horizon / I couldn’t see it until I let go / Gave into love / And watched all the bitterness burn / Now I’m coming alive / body & soul / and feeling my world start to turn
Not to be confused with the Dirty Dancing classic. Uh, MAGIC RAINBOW? MAGIC RAINBOW? They wouldn’t even use the acoustic version of this tripe on a teen drama.

(Whew. Only 2 more.)

Only Love
Sample lyric: Don’t let your back slide / To the dark side
This horrible mess is on par with any garbage ever written and performed by John Mayer. And there are irritating “Na-Na-Na-Nas” during the only love can change the world” chorus.

No Turning Back
Sample lyric: And its hard to feel the meaning / when my life’s been written for me
Better than the rest, rock beginning, but still a bit amateur. It might be mediocre in the right hands. This may be the strongest of the bunch, but that’s really not saying anything. That’s like comparing KFC and Popeye’s. It’s all shit and regardless, you’re gonna feel like ass after consuming any of it.

Michael Johns (Sexy Aussie) on The Tonight Show

Leno sucks, but on Friday his guests included William Shatner and TRICIA HELFER (That’s Number 6 on Battlestar, if you suck donkey balls and don’t watch), so I just had to Tivo it.

Much to my surprise, Michael Johns showed up! With Gene Simmons.

Sexy Aussie, you were SOOOOOOO robbed!