American Idol Top 7: Tilibu Diba Douchoo

You know what’s missing on that stage? MICHAEL FRAKKING JOHNS!

This should be interesting, as I am racking my brain trying to figure out any Mariah Carey song I have liked since the 8th Grade, when everyone had that debut CD. Oh yeah, don’t laugh, but the best ever Mariah song is All I Want For Christmas Is You, which is kind of out of season. But if I were on American Idol, I would totally sing it AND dress up in the red & white Santa Slut costume. Because baby, when I sing, it’s just like Christmas.

I think Brooke White almost mauled Mariah. And of course Mariah would bring her little dog, she’s one of those people that won’t accessorize without a tiny dog. Good to see she’s recycling some of those 1993 bodysuits to create equally as terrible ensembles in 2008.

So Randy was responsible for Touch My Body? Makes sense. Because it totally sucks. It sucks just as bad as his stupid little kid craft bracelets.

The Child With No Soul
When You Believe
I could only hope the first spot would ensure certain doom for That Stupid Kid, but he’s like Teflon. He is also wearing vinyl pants, so very very wrong. I realize I have heard this song and I have always absolutely loathed it. This kid doesn’t sing anything but “message” songs. You know who might be able to do a killer impression of this kid? SNL’s Fred Armisen. Once again, the robotic teenager did nothing to move me. Now let’s watch all the judges ride his nutsack. And what do you mean, Randy, that he can sing anything? Because it’s a “girl” song? Uh, no. It’s a boring stupid ballad, the only thing this android can do.

Mick O’McLastchanceatstardom
Ken Lee
Like Smithson, I am also mourning the loss of Michael Johns. He should not have gone out before the Top 5. And placing Carly in the #2 singing spot continues to lend some credibility to the theories about intentional knockoffs. She’s become the sacrificial lamb. I cannot listen to this song without thinking of Valentina Hasen’s Ken Lee. No really, I cannot listen to this song without thinking Ken Leeeeee. You know she wants to bust out a little “tilibu diba douchoo”. If American Idol does not bring Valentina Hasen on for tomorrow’s results show or the big finale, I will cry. Carly did good, better than That Stupid Kid. And tell me why Paula isn’t the spokesmodel for Cache because no one embodies the Cache fashion philosophy better than Ms. Abdul. Anyway, Without You is just a boring song. The only way its not boring is when Valentina Hasan sings it.

(Yes, American Idol, you are so blatant in who you want kept in this competition.)

Supermercado
Vanishing
Another Mariah song I hate. I realized, I know all these songs, just not necessarily all of the titles. Syesha apparently rolled her head in Kristy Lee’s glitter stash. Ah…another decent vocal from a truly boring singer. All hopes about Syesha having a “hidden edge” to her performance persona were dashed for me with last week’s Fantasia knockoff. Right now, for the next 3 weeks, its going to be the systematic destruction of Syesha, Kristy Lee and Carly. It’s just a matter of the order in which they’re eliminated.

Wholesome Hemmroids
Hero
Hero. What a terribly annoying song. The cardboard cutout story was stupid, as wouldn’t it make more sense to have videotaped a greeting and song for her beloved sister? Boring. Boring. Boring. And she did her typical babbling and pouting when in front of the judges.

(Paula is beautifully incoherrent this week.)

Kristy Lee Cleavage
Forever
I don’t think Mariah feels comfortable hugging people that aren’t as famous as her, or after she’s had a few glasses of wine (like in this fabulous photo of her and my friend Party Paul). Anyway, Kristy Lee puts a slight country twinge onto Forever (big surprise), is wearing a breast-enhancing dress and lots ‘o’ glitter. But those fake eyelashes may be a little much, looking more like an eyebrow stolen from Peter Gallagher. Kristy Lee, the longer she stays, the more confident she becomes. Wouldn’t exactly call myself a fan, but she has shown improvement and deserves better props than what she got from the judges. The only person they’ve lauded so far is oh, big surprise, The 12th Cylon.

(How cute. Ramiele just can’t get enough American Idol, even after she got booted. I don’t understand those people, for instance, the ones who get fired from a bar and then go hang out there after the fact. Why would you hang out at a place that fired you? That’s kind of how I see attending all the American Idol nearly immediately after your your ousting. But I guess its screen time if you can get it.)

David Power Note Squint
Always Be My Baby
Is Cook paying tribute to his fallen comrade, Michael Johns, with the vest and tie ensemble (watch for a cravat tomorrow)? Kind of a fun arrangement, very nice and I would like to hear the studio version (but I still think Cook’s Hello was his best performance). Yes, he did great, but then it just starts reminding me how the judges never ask The Chosen One to “stretch” himself. And while Cook can bother me by being cocky, I am touched by his genuine emotion at being able to perform in front of his brother, who is being treated for brain cancer and was able to be in tonight’s audience. On that note, the judges should really curb the use of the word “brave”. Suffering from brain cancer, that’s BRAVE. Singing a song on a stage is nothing compared to the kind of bravery needed to fight cancer.

Blazing Jason
I’m Not Gonna Cry
I kind of feel like this is almost an “island” version, like something I would hear used in a movie during the scene where the girl catches her brand new boyfriend making out with some dumb young hooker, before running off to go um, eat Poi. Which is apparently what Paula and Simon were babbling about. Once again, I took great pleasure in watching Stoner Jason. He’s one of my favorites and will remain as such unless he gets an Archuleta lobotomy within the next month.

A mainly dull experience, as per usual. But at least no one allowed Teri Hatcher to sing. Oh, and I would have preferred to have seen a Michael Johns performance (According to his EW Exit Q&A, he was going to sing Vision of Love) in place of any of the girls’ performances.

Bottom 3: Carly, Syesha, Brooke
Going home: Syesha

Top Idol Rankings:

1. David Cook
2. Jason Castro
3. Kristy Lee Cook (I know, I can’t believe I’ve ranked her this high myself!)
4. Carly Smithson
5. Syesha Mercado
6. Brooke White (Yawn. Yawn. Pout. Yawn.)
7. David Archuleta (You bore me and the vinyl pants looked ridiculous on you. You’re a closeted 17-year-old from Utah with shit music taste. Take it slow, sweetheart, take it slow. You shan’t be wearing rock star pants when you’re singing shit ass ballads.

Thanks to Rickey.org for the photos!

(Just because all the eye candy is gone, I felt the need to insert this cravat-cool photo.)

American Idol Top 7: Mariah Song Spoilers

Once again, from that bastion of hard-hitting journalism, TMZ, tonight’s Idol song spoilers.

Carly Smithson’s Without You will be nothing compared with Valentina Hasan’s illustrious version. And Brooke singing Hero? That’s like overdosing on the entire North American inventory of Marshmellow Peep candies. Ugh.