American Idol Top 6: Latter Day Results

Shot glass of Drano rimmed in Scrubbing Bubbles. Check. Mr. Clean & Murphy’s Oil Soup martini, shaken not stirred. Check. Let’s get ready for IDOL GROUP SING!!

(Please say its not gonna be Magical Mr. Mistofillies)

I’m finishing up my weekly dose of Tyra Mail, as it is excellent hors d’ordves for the main course of Idol cheese. (And this season’s lone ANTM Mormon got booted weeks ago) Watch an American Idol results show before 8:30, even with Tivo? NEVER. I would be caught up by 8:45 and forced to endure 7000 more Coca Cola commercials.

That All I Ask Of You is excruciating. Oh shit. I’m having flashbacks to high school. They all sound like Cathy Williamson, she was one of those choir geeks / color guard girls who had a penchant for bothering people and believing her “angelic” voice was better than say, Ella Fitzgerald’s. I distinctly remember Cathy singing this very song, her mouth curled up in a perfectly shaped ‘O’, which is how it was shaped no matter what or how she sang. While I’ve obviously had no vocal training, I don’t think that is correct form?

Now we’re “flashing back” to last night. I tried to close my eyes when the Eunuch sang, thinking I may like it better. Nothing. I still think Stoner J’s version of Memory was a sweet and touching take on a well-known “big diva” song. He brought a vulnerability and sadness to it which I quite liked. If I hear Brooke utter “I just lost the lyric” one more time, yikes, I hope we’re losing her tonight. Please. Please. Please. Carly Smithson did amazing. David Cook did excellent. They’re safe. The Eunuch is always safe. I would venture to say Syesha is safe this week based on last night’s performance.

Now Ryan is “interviewing” Sir Webber. Christ, I hate Randy’s clothing. I swear he shopped the big post-Victory Tour garage sale Tito Jackson held because he needed cash for amphetamines and numb chucks.

FORD COMMERCIAL TIME

Ok. Cute concept, but GOD FORBID you would “punk up” the Eunuch. He just happens to be the “cartoonist” drawing all of them. Call it Idol Gives Metaphor. Poor Jason Castro. They are not being nice to him this week AND he was forced to look like John Travolta in Battlefield Earth. David Cook just had to borrow Danny Noreiga’s Manic Panic and Wholesome Hemorrhoids was probably shivering in her magical underpants for having to look so risque.

Idol Gives Back took place, what, 2 weeks ago? And they’re just not getting around to a “special message” from the President and Laura Bush? Oh, Dubya, no one cares about you anymore, so now you’re biding your time doing guest spots on relevant American television programming such as American Idol and the why-isn’t-it-on-PBS Deal or No Deal. What? Larry King won’t even talk to you so you gotta go slum it with Howie Mandel and Ryan Seacrest? Poor sweet Laura. If the lithium ever wears off, you’re gonna wake up and wonder what the hell happened the last decade of your life. (It’s okay, Laura, I would totally want to be overly-medicated, too!)

The UCLA Sorority girls are out in full-force in the Mosh Pit tonight. Alas. I was never in a sorority. Or choir. Perhaps I’m just bitter and jealous. Nah…I just like to laugh at some things which are well, you know, kinda funny.

Please, Eunuch, don’t talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like there was any doubt in my mind either David was going to be in danger of going home tonight. Christ, I can’t wait for the Eunuch to crack. Hey, I totally feel bad for the kid even though I make fun of him. Crazy stage parents are NEVER good, just look at La Familia Lohan.

Little Broadway montage with former Idols on Broadway, proving that’s the most viable post-Idol career option for most. Oh Gayken, you are too young to dress like Mr. Rogers and you are way too gay to say that you are not a homosexual. (Why are they playing The Goo Goo Dolls’ Broadway’s Dark Tonight during this upbeat Where-Are-The-Idols-On-Broadway-Now segment? Aren’t you trying to tell us Broadway is “bright” for them?)

Ok. I love this Leona Lewis song.

Phil just messaged me, asking:

Is Leona Lewis black or is she fake tan orange?

Ms. Lewis is a beautiful girl and I quite like her voice. Yeah, I downloaded Bleeding Love. I dig it. To answer your question, Phil, Leona Lewis is the daughter of a Guyanese father and Welsh mother. So I would venture to say she is mixed, or what Larry David would refer to as a mulatta.

Oh, Brooke, American Idol is WHAT??? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. This only means the worst for Stoner J. What? Did the entire Church of the Latter Day Saints all vote for her lame ass last night? Syesha may not have a big fan base, but it is clearly wrong that Brooke is not even in danger of going home.

Wow…this show is pissing me off more and more each week. I’ve never believed that people were sent home solely on votes, but this is just ridiculous. (Oh, Sweet Stoner J, please do not go home. Syesha can go instead of you, neither of you deserves it, but if I had it my way, I would totally keep you around. Okay, whew. But I wasn’t thinking about Carly being in there. Christ, Carly did incredible last night. This show is bullshit.)

Okay, yeah, go ahead, make them sing again. At least it won’t be excruciating AND it kills any chance of one of those ridiculous Q&A sessions. The only good thing about keeping Wholesome Hemorrhoids around is because the longer she stays around, the bigger the inevitable breakdown will be. Wow, the VFTW people are out in full force this season, perhaps, between them and the Mormons…

WHAT?! Um…that was just…um…complete bullshit. For someone to get booted after pulling out a performance like that? Just cruel. I was just starting to really like Carly, but the systematic eliminations of the past few weeks just fuels conspiracy theories of this competition being completely fixed in order to easily guarantee a David vs. David finale showdown.

(Now I already had my hypothetical question for tonight’s bullshit Q&A ready, too. Once again, it is for Brooke and Eunuch. And since there was no stupid Q&A but they’re still on the public radar, I’m going to hypothetically ask it here.)

Since you both believe heaven has a maximum capacity of 100,000, predestined before birth, the chances of both of you ending up there are fairly slim. So, which one will go hang out with Joey Smith and which one of you will burn in eternal hellfire?

Well. It’s not as if I voted, right? Christ, and I just wondered to myself how many articles / blog entries about Carly’s surprising Idol demise will say something like “the pipes, the pipes are calling…”

(You know, just because she’s Irish and all, which means you’re supposed to reference Guinness and Danny Boy as much as possible when talking about Irish people.)

Next week its Neil Diamond and TopIdol will try its best to find ways to make fun of Scientologists, even if Katharine McPhee is not scheduled to appear and Neil Diamond has never dabbled in Dianetics. But if poor Jason Castro is made to wear his Ford Tainted Love commercial costume once again, well…

All’s fair in love and Xenu.

Today in Idol Land…

Bye, Bye Miss Mormon Pie

Coming to a “second-tier” city near you…The American Idol summer tour dates have been announced.

EW’s Michael Slezak also expresses wishes that Jason Castro be saved from the Idol chopping block this evening, noting the sweetness and simplicity in his performances. (And yes, the blatantly obvious fixing of the competition this season cannot be ignored…)

Kristy Lee visits the EW offices for the first segment of her in-person exit interview. Waiting to see if the robots are mentioned in parts 2 and 3.

MSNBC’s The Scoop reports Kelly Clarkson likes walking around her house in the buff. Uh, ok. What’s wrong with nakedness…especially in your own home? (It is better to bare your naked body than naked soul, a la Mormon Brooke.)

Idolator gets in on the David Cook Analog Heart conspiracy theories, as well as discusses the “Real American Idol Tragedy” of Andrew Lloyd Webber night (er, SIR Andrew Lloyd Webber night)

(Note to Idol producers: If you’re worried about ratings, maybe you should stop making it obvious the competition is fixed. Just a general suggested related to um, everything I’ve seen this season)