American Idol Extra: Stoner J Still Rules, Greasy Constantine Still Ogles Paula’s Cleavage

Ugh…another episode of American Idol Extra with JD Roberto, the poor-man’s Seacrest who might actually be wearing pleather tonight. However, I am definitely watching tonight for some Stoner J interview-ness.

Randy pretends to like Jason and Jason pretends that he “mentally hit a wall” and was surprised he made it this far. Simon can’t get away fast enough and Randy musters up enough gumption to say he really loved Hallalujah…so basically saying he’s hated everything since the last week of the semifinals.

Stoner J is a nice guy, and he’s still under contract, so he’s not going to say that he just could not take the lie he was living. He says the pressure got to him, just as the thought of learning THREE WHOLE SONGS. Come on, even though he was a drummer before a singer, I cannot imagine learning 3 songs is that daunting a task (especially if you are picking one of them AND have a week to work on the other 2). My ex sang in a band and he could easily learn a ton of songs even while smoking his first bowl on the way to work every single day. Just saying…Still, Stoner J’s comments about being sent home just prove that he is all about class and sincerity as much as he is about having fun.

Not going to watch performance recaps yet again, but caught part of D-Cook’s Hungry Like The Wolf. Would definitely have to say that was his lowpoint of the season. Could have sworn I was watching a cover band in any shit bar, any place in this country. Fast forward…

Jesus Christ. The Sultan of Smarm manages to get greasier and smarmier with each passing week. He keep hitting the Mystic Tan and is a shade more orange than the last time I saw his smarmy head…and two-thirds of chest. Since Chalmydia Stare does not like to button his shirts more than oh, twice, or three times at the most, the viewer is forced to stare at his greasy chest hairs against an coral-colored background and nestled somewhere in between a crushed pink silk shirt and oversized silver chain.

Tonight, Greasy Constantine gets to interview REAL BIG CELEBRITIES! Between him and Gina, I wonder who gets the BIGGER CELEBRITIES. Let’s tally this one up…the “star power” seems to diminish week by week…Gina talks to Wade Williams, who apparently stars in Prison Break. They both love The Rolling Stones. I love The Stones, too, but you people are boring me…

Walking VD talks to Jamie Lyn Sigler (The Sopranos’ Meadow), Holly Huddleston (Sunset Tan…quite possibly the most inane show to ever be aired on televison INCLUDING cable access stations. Holly is one of two “Olly Girls”, Holly or Molly or something…get it, the OLLY girls…one of them acted as a Seacrest beard fairly recently.) Walking VD looks as if he’s trying to hit on Holly, who says she doesn’t sing but is “recording a hook and chorus” tomorrow.

NOTE TO SELF: Always remember to never spend more than a week in LA or head will implode.

Now on the gratuitous Coke Couch with JD Pleather, joined by Stoner J’s mother Betsy and brother Michael.

Key points:

• Stoner J’s family dragged him out of bed to audition. He had only sung a few times before so was reluctant to go. While at the auditions, he put a big band aid over the audition bracelet because he was embarrassed, since he was “a drummer in a rock band”.
• They did not have cable at their duplex. They only received 4 channels, one of which was Fox, so they watched American Idol for lack of better options. I guess last year, Stoner J told brother Michael that he was going to try out
• Jason comes out. I think he has already and RIGHTFULLY blazed up. Ever the gracious and classy fella, Jason says his brother sings better than him

More “backstage interviews.” Gina is now interviewing some guy from the WWE, Howie Mandel and someone from the now-canceled Las Vegas.

Walking VD is taking real close to Paula, smiling smarmily while talking about “forgetting the words” and blatantly leering ominously at her cleavage while licking his lips. Then he talks to Adam Levine for a second, but it wasn’t nearly as creepy as when he was ogling Paula, especially because part of me thinks Paula would totally do it…You know he would ask her to call him The Mighty Duck and to compare his skills to Emilio Estevez’s sexual prowess. He would purr something like, I can make you quack, baby…

JD Pleather’s One-on-One with Stoner J

Stoner J decided he wanted dreads during his senior year in high school. It took 14 hours, but his mother helped him make his dreads after they looked up the information on the internet. Awesome.

Contestants’ personal goodbye messages show lots of DEPTH:

D-Cook
To eyelashes, its been an absolute pleasure having you as a roommate. I’m sorry to see you go. (EYELASHES???)
Eunuch
Jason, you are just really goofy. And laid back. You’re still a really smart guy.
Coretta Scott Mercado
You are so relaxed and calm and I must say you’ve brushed off on me a little bit
Eunuch
It’s funny how you’re always trying to find time to sleep during the day
Coretta Scott Mercado
Keep smiling, and keep that cool vibe that you have, you’re awesome.
D-Cook
Keep rocking that ukeulele and looking forward to the tour

Carly says Stoner J wears a bathrobe all the time. He admits to “not getting dressed unless he has to.” What can you say? The dude abides.

Stoner J found the beads while growing his dreads and has thrown them in, aw well as a gold ring is in there from his girlfriend, as is a peace sign from last weekend in Vegas. He’s talking about his girlfriend now and it’s all very genuine and cute. This guy is just so…himself. Thinks he’s a chronic yawner. Said he loved Wednesday because they’re so relaxed and he just has to sing a goofy song on stage, which he will “never do again.”

This guy just talks completely off the cuff, it’s great.

Now Stoner J is sitting with Debra Byrd, the main Idol vocal coach and arranger. Personally, I think they only brought her out with him because she, too, has dreads. Byrd seems like a very nice lady. Says she can’t tell someone their song choice sucks. Explains a bit of the arranging process…I wonder how much a part of the Idol machine she is because I don’t want to believe she is in on all the covert fixing. She’s like the love child of Debbie Allen and S. Epatha Merkerson.

Peace out…Stoner J, now we’re off to the Idol Extra Lounge…

LaKisha Jones in the Idol Extra Lounge. The Idol Extra Lounge cracks me up. It’s like the side stage the people who aren’t big enough for the main stage are allowed to play on, or even during the side show for the actual show. Pretty funny, right? And JD Pleather is now JD Corduroy, making it obvious that it was taped before the real side show. I don’t know anything about LaKisha Jones, but apparently, she’s a mother, came in 4th and appeared in The Color Purple on Broadway. She has an album coming out, mostly R&B Soul but with some Inspiration because she “loves the lord” and its going back to her church-singing roots. I can’t tell if this is a Lord song or not, but it might be, and they just edited part of it quite obviously. They keyboardist is absolutely hilarious. Like, the way he sways and gets into it all, its quite amusing. Ok…that song sucked but the keyboardist was a trip.

Carly’s Here! Let’s See How She’s Been….

JD Pleather is back! With Carly! Miss you, Carly Smithson, miss you. She talks about going to NY to do press, being mobbed in Times Square and reading fan mail. I bet Coretta Scott Mercado could go to Times Square wearing a sandwich board saying Coretta Scott Mercado and would still not be mobbed. Just saying…

Bo Bice Alert!

Bo Bice is back with JD Pleather. Think this is the second time I’ve seen him on here, and he’s still as gracious as ever. This guy is the real deal for the same reasons I liked him 3 years ago. He spent years playing bars and honing his craft, slumming it in a way, but it remains the best training ground. More so than stage parents or Star Search could ever be.

Lame Top 4 Question Portion of Show:
What was your favorite performance by someone else on the show?

Eunuch
Blackbird (Carly)…obviously, because it was a ballad
Stoner J
It’s All Wrong But It’s All Right (Michael Johns)…excellent frakking choice
Coretta Scott Mercado
Here You Come Again (Carly)
D-Cook
Let It Be (Brooke)…calls it an organic moment. Yeah, that probably was Brooke’s last shining moment. Week 1….

Well, that was painful in so many ways, but much less greasy than usual. Glad they’re cutting back on the Smarm. Must have been all the audience members filling up nearby ERs trying to get power antibiotics to remove the Chlamydia infecting their bodies. Hell, the effects of the Greasy Constantine Stare may be the closest thing to immaculate conception that exists in reality.

Jason Castro: Celebrate Him Stoned

Right now, Stoner J, wherever you may be, I hope you’re really frakking blazed. But please know I will miss you, because you brought some much needed class and sincerity to the biggest shit show in America.

And I really, really wanted to hear you do Ray LaMontagne. But I know the fact I did not isn’t your fault. And while it may be sad to see you go, I know you are in a much better place.

May Peace Be With You, Stoner J, May Peace Be With You

American Idol Top 4 Elimination: The Legend of Stoner J

Is it just me? Because I have no idea why I’m still watching this show…Why are they even bothering with it at this point when the whole damn thing has already been decided.

51 million votes, with the Top 3 coming in within 1 million votes of one another. Oh whatever. Yawn. The Wisdom of Randy Jackson? Uh, ok. It’s not wise to want an underage Mormon Eunuch to rub cocoa butter all over your body while yelling out that’s molten hot and yeah dawg.

Group Sing Suckage

The Chosen Eunuch is the FIRST solo, as well as the LAST solo (The one to present Ricky Minor’s solo. Ricky Minor needs more love and more airtime because he’s basically just a post-modern musical version of Nat from The Peach Pit on 90210.)

Stoner J looks soooo happy because he just wants to go home. Christ, this choreography is terrible. Love how the Eunuch and D-Cook are paired together…AGAIN. Has anyone else noticed the only person who actually looks like they’re having fun during this is the Eunuch? Doesn’t he realize they all look like complete idiots? Probably not. Don’t you watch South Park? They either have sing-a-longs or board games after dinner in Mormon households. I guess it’s just an average Wednesday night in Casa Eunuch.

Coretta Scott Mercado is wearing a sequined tank top to recapture last night’s piss poor Tina impersonation. Coretta Scott Mercado told Billboard magazine SHE HAS A DREAM! (She plans on winning a Grammy, Oscar and a Tony.)

Oh Supermercado, I have dreams, too. I want to win a Best Original Screenplay Oscar. And at least 2 Pulitzers. And I want to sleep with Nigel Barker, George Clooney, Christian Bale and Eric Bana. And save Darfur, yeah, that’s a good place to want to save, right? I also want to end Google’s monopoly on search engine technology and force Rachael Ray into permanent hiding. And I’m going to get rid of Scientology and stupid romantic comedies with wedding in the title. See? I got lots of lofty (er, ridiculous) dreams, too!!

OH EUNUCH, SHUT THE FRAK UP. Quit this humble shit. You’ve never been in the Bottom 2 and Randy wants you to rub cocoa butter all over his plump Bedazzled body, which I suspect, your father may have already forced you to do to get a guarantee you’ll win this silly competition. He’s also said connect 7 times in 60 seconds. So if you sing a song to your dog, I guess you connect with it. Don’t you think that’s kind of sad? Sometimes, I come home drunk and play One My Own from Les Miserables and sing it to my frakking cat, who subsequently runs away from me. Maybe that, too, is connecting with a song, but both myself and my cat know for a fact its beyond pathetic.

(On Board Game night in Casa Enunch, I bet his favorite game is Connect Four…It’s all about the connection, don’t you see? It’s all really, really DEEP.)

Coretta Scott Mercado is all smiles for the camera in the waiting room. Commercial break. Let’s point out again how THE EUNUCH IS IN THE TOP 3!!

Idol Contestants on a Private Jet to…Vegas!

Stoner J brings his guitar to Vegas, D-Cook does not. Stoner J is legit, man! He’s as legit as cannabis at The Bullfrog in Amsterdam. He wants to sleep in the private jet’s bed while in the air, which might actually be possible, for him at least, on such a short flight because I would bet he has perfected the fine art of the weed nap. Anyhow…

Are those UNLV sorority girls camped outside the Mirage? Maybe the Claymates were having a convention in town and they were called for the gig, too, because some middle-aged fraus were in line for Idol goodness. I’m not saying these people don’t have fans, per se, but it’s Vegas, and well, famous and semi-famous people are always hanging out in Vegas. And that’s a lot of people cheering for these kids…in Vegas.

I love animals and I LOVE dolphins.
–- Coretta Scott Mercado

Now they’re getting makeovers. I guess they are providing a lot of their own clothes this year because Coretta’s dress is a BCBG from the 2005 Summer Season. I have the same dress but in black with white polka dots. Not to say she doesn’t look good, but for some reason, I really thought these kids got a weekly clothing allowance and kind of went to town. Anyway, once again, I digress…

I love how Stoner J seems to get the most attention in Vegas, fan-wise. It’s perfect. He’s the first American Idol Folk Hero. Or American Idol Anti-Hero. Regardless what goes down tonight, I love this kid.

David Cook…hmmm…I did peg you to be in the Bottom 2, based on placement and “shock value”. But they’re bringing you out right behind the Eunuch again, which would drive home the whole David vs. David final the producers have been ramming down our throats like a bulemic’s finger. Of course you’re safe, D-Cook, now sit your ass on that couch next to the Eunuch and keep prepping for all those promo shots in 2 weeks.

Coretta Scott Mercado just smiled and waved again. This girl, whoa, it’s kind of crazy, really. She’s shown more “personality” during these last couple of weeks and frankly, maybe she should have stayed more…vanilla? Because she’s taken on the Mormon Brooke syndrome, although in a different way. Mormon Brooke was overly sincere while Syesha looks more and more insincere each time she speaks. But the result remains the same: The more she opens her mouth, the less I like her.

MATADORS AND FORD AND JOHNNY CASH OH MY

Ok. How awesome was Stoner J doing his little dance-y matador ole move? This guy is so endearing because he just doesn’t care, and the less he cares, the more I like him and would consider buying his album or seeing him play somewhere just because he’s probably one of the most genuine contestants I’ve ever seen on this shit show. He just wants to have fun. And really. How can you continue to have fun when the judges have done everything in their power (ahem, Randy) to get your ass booted? Oh. And the Eunuch looks frakking ridiculous in turquoise matador’s ensemble. I know I rip on this kid but I really do feel sorry for him. They’re making him a virtual NAMBLA poster boy.

Bullshit pre-taped section of show commences…

(Pinky, I am sooo buying you the Taylor Hicks commorative postage stamps for your wedding, so you have something else to lick from time to time.)

Q&A…so unbelievably lame. Emily, 24, from Pittsburgh wants to take D-Cook out for a date when he’s in town on her birthday during the Idol tour. Uh, ok, sweetheart.

Sarah, 14, from Indiana wants to know what was the biggest challenge everyone has had to overcome. Now I am hearing We Shall Overcome play in my head as I picture footage from the March on Washington and countless sit-ins taking place in the American South 40-50 years ago. Coretta Scott Mercado once was forced to give up a seat to a white man on the bus. Coretta Scott Mercado was also arrested during the WATTS riots. Coretta Scott Mercado was the first black woman delegate for the 1968 Democratic convention…Ooops, I’m getting ahead of myself. Should un-pause this shit show to get it over with and stop typing for a moment.

I, uh, just the brain being dead.
–- Stoner J

Of course, I really wanted him to say his biggest challenge was being without his bong and Northern Lights stash, but that answer still works for me!

These Q&A sessions are so ridiculously awkward, but uh, Theresa from Detroit does not sound 42, but whatever, sometimes people think I sound like a man when I answer the phone so perhaps I should not criticize.

I cannot believe I noticed Howie Mandel in the audience. I need to stop watching this show ASAP.

Maroon 5, a band which, well, I don’t quite understand what they’re doing. And I don’t really like them…but then they sometimes surprise me, if the sun is shining a certain way or oh hell, I don’t know. They’re like pop-rock with a touch of Jameriqui sometimes? And Adam Levine looks like a sometimes hot poor man’s version of Christian Bale, but not quite. But I sometimes find myself enjoying the occasional Maroon 5 song on the radio when I’m driving home, so I guess I can’t hate-hate them. But Jesus, they kind of suck when performing live.

I think they flashed to some people in the audience I’m supposed to recognize and might look vaguely familiar, but I have no clue who they were. Guess Luke Menard couldn’t get tickets for a second night, but maybe they’ll let him on American Idol Extra if he’s lucky.

For some reason, Adam Levine is kind of…funny…like more so than that douchebag John Mayer. But didn’t they both bang that Simpson girl?

BO BICE ALERT! BO BICE ALERT!

I have always made it clear Bo Bice is one of my favorite contestants ever to grace the Idol stage. Hell, he’s the one of the only reasons I even started watching this shit show. He is so much better when he’s performing his brand of Southern Rock and not the crap they made him record for that first CD. I still think this guy pioneered the way for more interesting performers on this show…Taylor Hicks, Chris Daughtry, Amanda Overmyer, Bucky Covington, Stoner J, David Cook…well, at least those are the ones I can think of. Bo Bice is not only talented, but he seems like a great guy — humble, gracious, just a real nice guy.

I now have the overwhelming urge to take bong hits with Bo and Stoner J.

Apparently, Ace Young will be guest starring on Bones. Hmmm…is this Fox’s way of trying to undo all the evidence of shit being fixed? Setting up former contestants with semi-high-profile gigs? I liked Ace Young, although I think I like him more since he’s been off the show. Ace Young and Michael Johns are also the antidotes to the Chalmydia Stare. If one of them gets to you in just the nick of time, after your gaze has been met by Greasy Constantine, you’re instantly cured and there’s no need to go to the doctor for antibiotics to clear that nasty little VD up. Plus Ace Young’s new song, Addicted, is kind of good…at least the version I heard. I caught Bones once and kind of liked it, perhaps I should start watching it…oh, Christ, I don’t want to watch any more TV. American Idol has sucked the life out of me.

MY ONLY FRIEND…THE END

STONER J ADMITS TO PACKING HIS BAGS…and shooting the tambourine man. But he said it all with a smile. I’m happy for him right now…but I’m also sad because I don’t want him to leave! The show will be even more blah than it’s been for the…entire…season…But think how how many more shit ballads we’re gonna have to hear next week between Coretta Scott Mercado and the Eunuch!

And Coretta Scott Mercado is grinning like she just signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964, because she just KNOWS she’s made the final 3.

OMG. SHE DID NOT. SHE DID IT. SHE ACTUALLY LIKENED HER TIME ON AMERICAN IDOL TO TWO PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES. Because you know, she’s like, Halfrican-American and female. I believe Idolator called this one in their recap of last night’s performances.

Syesha Mercado has a reed-thin voice and a really grating persona that was best epitomized by her comparing her Idol trajectory to the civil rights movement. (Whoever said that she’s probably going to compare herself to one of the presidential candidates if she keeps on going in the competition is right on.)

Look at Stoner J’s grin. Look at Stoner J’s smile. He is so damn happy to be out of here. He soooo knew what he was doing. I love this kid. Love this kid. And I so do not remember him singing with the You Are My Brother guy. Seriously. How awesome is he? He’s performing I Shot The Sheriff and yes, I still think it was a fun performance. And he truly looks like he’s having fun. And perhaps now, he will once again be able to have more fun. He doesn’t need Idol. He just needs to go jam with Jack Johnson in Hawaii on The Mellow Show.

If I had a bowl right now, I’d smoke it for you, sweet Stoner J. As I said before, you went out on your own terms. You found redemption. You didn’t sacrifice your soul to the Idol gods.

Coretta Scott Mercado better be thanking your dread head ass right now. You gave her back that bus seat.

Even though she’s getting off at the next stop.