Nothing good can come out of an ANTM episode entitled Hawaiian Hip Hop with an appearance from Seventeen editor, Ann Shoket. Nothing good. Well…if the Gelfling gets sent packing, perhaps.

This cycle’s second to last episode (Hello? How won’t the final 2 be Nicole vs. Kentucky Laura) seems anti-climactic. They’re in Hawaii, which is beautiful, but boooorrrring. What? The wannabe midget models couldn’t get their passports in time or we were economizing because of the recession. Hey, I know Hawaii is super expensive, but it had to have been cheaper than a jaunt to Asia or South Africa, or anywhere in Europe. Where, exactly, is the world-class modeling scene in Hawaii?

Here is everything we need to know. Gelfling knows she’s lucky to still be there. Everyone else hates the Gelfling and wants to send her ass on the first flight back to the mainland. Jennifer and Nicole are in awe of Jennifer’s leg muscles in last week’s photos. Kentucky Laura can’t believe she’s in the Final 4 because not that long ago, she was castrating bulls and cutting hay. She also needs to provide for a gaggle of siblings back on the farm and show them how to be successful. In the words of my mother, Jesus Gutt.

This week’s challenge involves hula krunking. Predictable. And I can’t believe Ty-Ty resisted an opportunity to surprise everyone and bust a move. Okay…so its not hula krunking. It’s hula hip hop. I can’t wait to watch the Gelfling fail miserably.

I’m pretty confident I can learn the moves because I was a cheerleader. I can win.

When the Gelfling talks, this is what I feel like:

The Gelfling thinks she was really helpful to the other girls because of her semi-dance background. I want Nicole to cut the bitch. I want Kentucky Laura to do a dance about castrating bulls.

Things begin to look up when the fabulous Miss J. Alexander arrives on the scene. Anyone who doesn’t love Miss J. can kiss my ass.

Snap judgment: Right now, in a casual and relaxed pre-hula hip hop setting, Jennifer looks the best.

The winner of the challenge will receive a return trip to Hawaii, including a five-night stay at the Four Seasons. Jennifer is the first one up, and no matter how many daggers the Gelfling shoots her way, she still does a good job and impresses their instructor.

Gelfling thinks she’s all that, and maybe she can do the moves, but she’s off from the other gals. She thinks her dance is all about childhood sadness and emerging through it during adolescence, blah blah blah. Miss J. thinks she looks angry. Laura kind of looks a mess, but everyone thinks she told a story and knows how to shake her booty. Nicole looks a bit clueless, but it’s really not going to matter because she will likely win it all. And since part of her story was about awkwardness, she was totally right on. Miss J. then imitates her dance. I love watching Miss J. dance.

THANK YOU JESUS!!!

Inexplicably, or because of her booty, Laura wins. But she’s going to take Jennifer with her back to Maui, so that’s cool. Kentucky Laura has no clue what the Four Seasons is, but Jennifer tells her it is a coveted hotel with a five-star rating and a celebrity clientele.

TYRA MAIL!!!

Something about pressure making you wanting to explode…can we shoot flamethrowers at the Gelfling? Nah…the four gals end up on something called a Secret Beach with Jay Manuel. They’re going to be posing on volcanic rock as a Hawaiian goddess Palay (sp). WHOA. BIG TWIST. Next week’s final episode of the cycle will only feature the last two standing, as TWO girls will be eliminated based on their photo shoot this week. DUN DUN DUN!!!

Jennifer has a bit of trouble in the photo shoot, I think mainly out of nerves. She starts out with a standard “goddess pose” and tries to stay on her tippy toes, even when told not to–of course, what was she supposed to do when Mr. Jay told them all to model H2T–Head-to-Toe (Ugh, TYRA! Stop trying to make it happen!).

Nicole fairs better, obviously, because Nicole is unstoppable in this competition. Mr. Jay thinks she essentially shot a campaign.

Kentucky Laura stumbles around a bit and looks like she’s in pain. She seems awkward. Nicole doesn’t think she can do high fashion or inspire photographers. MEOW. And noooooo. Laura’s performance caused Mr. Jay to say SMIZE. However, I do suspect she got a good photo out of it all, even though Mr. Jay told her she looked a little boozy. Hee hee. She’s nervous about panel. Now let’s see the Gelfling fail.

She promises to look powerful and wrathful in her face. She looks brain dead, like a Zombie Gelfling. Mr. Jay even asks, do you feel pretty? In a poor attempt to soften her face, she sings a pop song “the teenagers listen to” in her head. For chrissake, she is a teenager. She also sounds like a fake twat when thanking the photographer. Yes, indeed. I cannot stand the Gelfling.

There’s gonna be a lot of praying tonight. A lot.

Good god. When did Kentucky Laura start getting all openly religious on us? Of course, if I was sharing a room with the Zombie Gelfling, I may pray, too. Homegirl has evil running through her veins and boogers in her eyes.

TO THE JUDGES! AKA QUALITY TIME WITH NIGEL BARKER

The Gelfling looks like a moron. Kentucky Laura kind of does, too. Alas. Right now, her and Jennifer are oozing personality and hell, both of them still get (another) vacation in Hawaii so let’s do this thing.

Yo, Tyra. I know you’ve embraced your fuller figure since you’ve retired from the catwalk, but honey, those tapered, wide-leg pants aren’t flattering on any figure, let alone yours. Even Mr. J. is freaked the hell out because your ass looks bigger than his sleeves. Nigel is doing everything in his power to divert his attention elsewhere.

The final two will compete/walk in a Julia Clancy fashion show there in Hawaii. And Tyra’s ruched sleeves are hurting my eyes.

Gelfling goes first. Shoket thinks she is glowing. Nigel thinks she looks sexy and points out how you can’t SMIZE in every picture. (YESSSS! Nigel hates that smizing shit, too!) Tyra thinks she lucked out with an amazing shot, but looked sleepy.

Nigel is not into Jennifer’s shot. Shoket thinks her neck disappears. Tyra thinks she forgot her face and had no focus and went all amateur by holding her dress, but a tan looks good on her…which she feels guilty about saying because tanning is BAD. Nigel pipes up and says a tan looks good on everyone. Damn straight, Nigel. How is it you make me fall more in love with you each and every week? You are the reason I still watch this mindless tripe, Nigel Barker, oh yes, you are.

Kentucky Laura is up next. Her outfit is rightfully skewered. Don’t these girls ever learn anything? They think Laura’s best shot is very pretty and compare her to Rachel Hunter, whom I’ve personally never cared for. Honestly, Laura’s face looks a bit crazy crazy crazy. Those are crazy eyes. Crazy eyes!

Miss J sums it up for everyone oh-so eloquently.

You have many faces. I think of the day when I always thought you would be…gold tooth in the mouth full of decay.

The judges cream all over the photo. I still think she looks like a crazy person. Then they turn smizing into smozing or some such nonsense. I have to tune it out.

I have no idea why they chose this photo of Nicole because she had better shots. Her face looks gorgeous, but they don’t think she used her entire body. It doesn’t really matter, though, because we already know Nicole and Laura have it in the bag.

Tyra says this is one of the most dramatic judging panels ever. Yawn. Although they say wonderful things about Jennifer, I still think its Nicole and Laura. Finally we are rid of the Gelfling and it has to be soured by losing sweet Jennifer.

Naturally, Nicole is called first. And rightfully so…now Tyra gets to cut the three girls a final time. It’s all about their strengths and weaknesses, but only one girl has what it takes to be a finalist…blah blah blah…duh. Laura. And we finish tonight’s program with Tyra offering a group hug for Tyra’s sake. Because it’s all about Tyra Tyra Tyra. It looks like she may eat them.

Tyra finishes with some bullshit inspirational speech, which only serves to twist the knife a bit more in Gelfling’s back in a tiny way. She says if she would have made it to the finals if she worked harder. And now the dumb bitch is crying. I can’t take it. Oh, Jennifer, I will miss you. I wish you well.  And you sound like you benefited from the experience, unlike the bitter, dense Erin Wagner, our fair Gelfling.

Oh Gelfling, I have the perfect man for you. His name is Paul, and just like you, he can’t handle the quiet awkward girl getting all the accolades. And just like you, he’s not allowed to go along for the ride.

Ah, the first results show I’ve watched all season. Let’s get this show on the road. I also have to trudge through another excruciating episode of ANTM this evening.

Group Dance — Warrior Pt. 2 (Lloyd Banks) — Choreographed by Dave Scott

The group routine begins with Russell, naturally, as a man with dreadlocks is more warrior-esque than the other dudes. The dancers are doing their thing in front of a MAYAN TEMPLE backdrop. You would think with the money the Fox network brings in, they could spring for more than your garden-variety screensavers package. When will they do a routine in front of the ULTIMATE STOCKFROG?

Is it just me, or is the group routine always in a similar genre of the strongest dance of that week’s competition (i.e., Russell and Noelle’s Afro Jazz number from last night). Makes one wonder how it’s all planned.

Tonight is the first night where the audience decides who goes home. I’m hoping America decided to give Moron Mollee her rightfully-earned don’t let the door hit you on the way out moment while I also ponder why Crazy Mary Murphy isn’t the national spokesmodel for Cache.

Mary Murphy : Cache :: Debbie Phelps : Chico’s

The first three couples, starting with Ellenore and Peter, who were savaged for last night’s Lil C hip hop routine. These two are probably in the most danger because a) Ellenore is tan and America favors cute-as-a-button blond white girls, just ask Nancy Grace. Every time one of them dies, her ratings go sky high (That bitch and $cientologist whacko Greta van Sustersen made the Missing White Woman Syndrome borderline pandemic); and b) Little girls love Nathan and SYTYCD can’t stop pimping Mollee Moron, and while they sucked more than any other couple last night, they will probably be spared (Well, we can keep Nathan. Just give him another partner.) Also in danger are Pauline & Peter, who danced in the middle of the show, and perhaps Kevin and Karen, who got mad props but had the disadvantage of going first. I would also add Kathryn & Legacy into this group, but Legacy goes by the name Legacy and people eat that shit up.

Big surprise, Ellenore & Peter are in the bottom 3.

Channing Cooke & Viktor Smalley go next. While Stacey Tookey’s contemporary routine to Rachael Yamagata’s Be Be Your Love lacked the emotional punch of say, a Mia Michaels–or Sonya Tayeh (Where are you, Sonya???)–routine about toxic relationships, it was still strong. They’re up against Legacy & Katelyn, who will probably be safe, as people like dudes with quirky self-given names. OH WAIT. Cat Deeley played a trick on everyone. Both couples are safe! Jesus christ, how is Cat Deeley not even nominated for the bullshit Emmy for Best Reality TV Host. She dances circles around that game show-voiced loser who hosts that has-beens & Olympic-Gold-Medal-Winners-Not-Named-Phelps ballroom dancing shit, and the bastard who does Survivor, he and John Mayer should really be forced to eat each others testes in some tribal challenge, because on occasion, they nearly make Karl Rove seem charming.

Some guy from season 3 with skunk hair named Dominic Sandoval does results show filler by having those waiting in the holding pen outside the studio before the taping(s) dance. I ignore this at first, until I realize I’ve been in that same area during Top Idol’s Big Fraking American Idol Adventure this past April (and don’t forget Part 2 and Part 3!) Many Glamberts who watch this shit will assume Dominic is trying to look like their lord, christ & savior because they don’t realize there are tens of thousands of glittery gays with prep school-esque blazers & dyed spikey hair roaming the streets of L.A. because the bus that took them past all the stars’ homes never went down Melrose Ave.

Ashleigh & Jakob better not be in the Bottom 3. This will bother me. Yay! Ashleigh, Jakob and all their pearly-white chompers are SAFE!

Pauline & Peter are up next. I assume they will be the next couple in the Bottom 3 because the Quickstep always equals death, although the judges’ praise for character development could keep them in, HOWEVER, they are standing next to Noelle & Russell, who SIMPLY CANNOT be on the verge of near-elimination, as they were allowed into the bar car of Crazy Mary’s Hot Tamale Train. And since we haven’t thrown anyone into the pit in the last 10-15 minutes, I’m going to go with Pauline and Peter. And now I’m pissed because I remembered their Sean Cheesman-choreographed routine was about a princess and a frog, therefore SYTYCD totally missed the opportunity to use the ULTIMATE STOCKFROG backdrop.

Naturally, I am correct. Because Pauline & Peter did the quickstep, and she is ethnic and he is white. White women are threatened of tan gals with their white men, especially Asian chicks. Oh yeah, and they did the quickstep.

Crazy Mary Murphy has gone kooky with the Botox. Silly Mary, you can’t put it in your cheeks and smile lines, that’s what Juvaderm is for! You need to stop injecting it after those dates with Captain Morgan, because sweetie…

You don’t really want to look like The Joker circa 1989 now, do you?

Karen & Kevin vs. Moron Mollee & Nathan
Once again, TBTB are saving Moron Mollee for last. Because they are deluded enough to believe she has fans. That’s why they stuck her with the little boy who little girls will squee over. Karen & Kevin were sort of sloppy, but they were still great…especially in comparison to Moron Mollee & Nathan who looked like they just stepped out of an 8th Grade Cotillion class.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. Look how retarded Moron Mollee’s hair looks. That is NOT how one does the side-swept braid. I still like Nathan, but am disturbed by the deliberate emo blowout he’s sporting.

Mollee is way too young to be samba-ing sexily (Nathan may be, too.), as one can tell from her expression at the end of that shit routine. And because little girls love Nathan–he looks like one of those werewolf idiots in those lame ass vampire books/movies, Karen & Kevin are ROYALLY SCREWED. At least 1980s British Hair breaks it down, although he really should have called out Moron Mollee for immaturity and overall suckitude. Karen & Kevin are visibly pissed. I know Karen wants to shank that bitch Mollee, hell, I’ll sneak her the shank in a freshly-baked Devil’s Food cake, for chrissake.

These are your 6 losers. Please note all of the females are non-white.

This week’s soloist shows up and starts out by voguing a la Benny Ninja, reminding me I still have Ty-Ty’s Weekly Shit Fest to recap this evening. I don’t get his name because I am mesmerized by the melodically posh lilt in the Goddess Cat Deeley’s voice.

A female dancer shows up. She has great legs, which I assume is because she is a professional dancer. You can’t put one over on me! Another girl shows up. This routine is all about OMG A LOVE TRIANGLE. And as I had also correctly assumed, they are part of Alvin Ailey’s dance company. When in doubt, always assume Alvin Ailey.

DANCING FOR THEIR LIVES!!!

Ellenore goes first and dances to uh, a song called Eleanor by Alexa Woodward because it is her name, even if it is spelled differently. I don’t like Ellenore’s leotard-top thingy. But I do swoon when Cat Deeley calls her sweet pea.

Ryan is next, doing some swing/ballroom/flips (borrowing Peter’s GI outfit from the night before, I assume) to Jump With My Baby by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. He has a nice smile. I hope his wife Ashleigh doesn’t dump him if he gets booted before her. We don’t need two broken marriages at the hands of So You Think You Can Dance.

Pauline grooves to Took The Night by Chelley. She is much sexier than Moron Mollee can ever hope to be. There’s a commercial break, and I realize I love the Boost Mobile commercial with the cannibalistic pigs. I am bored. Very bored. Oskar is bored. Very bored.

Peter gets to tap. The tap dancers have been picked off one by one. Peter can do crazy shit on his tippy-toes. I am impressed, even though he finishes with some bizarro facial expressions during his final gyrations.

Karen is ready to smolder to Celia y Tito. I don’t believe Karen has referred to herself as a fiery latina, which endears me to her, especially since Karen and I are going to be close friends and I’m going to sneak her that shank in a freshly-baked Devil’s Food cake. And then the music kind of makes me sad because I have a horrible feeling Jennifer Lopez will try and star in a Celia Cruz biopic sometime in the near future. Yup. Karen smolders. There is no reason she should have been in the Bottom 3. Cat Deeley agrees with me by proclaiming it’s not even right…how gorgeous you are. She recovers as to not let on that she agrees with myself and Karen, and how it’s not even right Karen is in the Bottom 3 over Moron Mollee.

Kevin is next. Kevin (dancing to I Question Mark by Wade Robson) should also be pissed he is dancing for his life. Meanwhile, I wonder why Wade Robson has decided to record music and if Britney Spears would have turned out any better had she not cheated on Justin Timberlake with Wade Robson, causing the end of their relationship and triggering her (inevitable) descent into batshit crazy. And then I wonder if Justin Timberlake would have made bad music and not good music, or if he ever would have been funny on SNL if they stayed together longer than they had. And then I realize how thankful I am I don’t read US Weekly or Perez Hilton because for someone who could give a rat’s ass about celebrity gossip, I still know these things. And it frightens me. Back on topic — I like Kevin. I like crumpers because they have the power to awe me. Contemporary dancers rarely do that. All they do is roll around on the floor, leap a few times, and offer looks of sadness and longing, punctuated by reaching out to the audience at key intervals.

JUDGMENT TIME

Ellenore is gone. And probably Peter, because they keep killing off the tappers. But 1980s British Hair is pissed because they think all the soloists sucked. 1980s British Hair tells Karen she is intimidating to young voters because she is so smoldering. Well, hey, sometimes we want to watch adults dance. Not children. And Ellenore, well, contemporary is often boring. However, the axe is gonna fall on Pauline. She is conventional and classroom-y. 1980s British Hair says they will let her leave the competition. Well…what if she doesn’t want to go? Bye bye, Pauline. It should have been MORON MOLLEE.

It makes me even sadder when Cat Deeley celebrates Pauline’s time on the show in such a sweet way, especially because Pauline looks like a midget standing next to the Goddess. And if we know two things I love, it’s midgets and Cat Deeley.

When the guys come up, 1980s British Hair brings up Ade for the second time. That’s because everyone loves Ade…and Ade’s Pick!!! They decide to keep Kevin (everyone likes dueling black male street dancers!) and sacrifice yet another tapper…and ensure everyone else keeps the same partners next week.

And once again…the quickstep equals death.

Thank you, Be Gay Little Bird, for sending this my way — longer clips from Adam Lambert’s For Your Entertainment.

Since I have yet to listen to the original round of shorter snippets, I’ll check this out straight away. (Hey, I was busy.)

For Your Entertainment — title single…it’s ok, catchy…much better than

Music Again — starts off as the perfect montage theme for an 80s movie with an athletic bent (see American Flyers or anything made before 1987 involving skiing.) before descending into The Darkness-at-a-roller-rink. Yeah. The song is super gay, like in an 80s not homosexual way. Like when you called people GAYWAD. This song is a GAYWAD of a song. It makes me want to put on a leotard, sweatband and pop in a Jane Fonda aerobics tape into my brand-new VHS machine that cost $500. Or I could just go drop a couple bills at American Apparel.

If I Had You — I think I kind of like this one. It’s fun.

Play the rest of the tracks HERE while I try to upload them…plus I got other blogging to do this evening.

I thought Sam’s favorite AI contestant was Quatto the Mole Host, Matt Giraud.

Looks like she’s moved on or made new friends? Or is trying to make Lindsay Lohan jealous?

I hope Quatto gets to hang out with my idol, the beautiful CoCo, one day. Love her.

Like me, the Goddess Cat Deeley would rather be watching V. She just has a slinky lizard-print dress and alas, I do not.

I barely remember these people and don’t even know who they booted last week since my Tivo boycotted all Fox programming on Thursday night for whatever reason. Mollee Moron and her adorable jailbait partner, Nathan, are still there. There is no Ade and his pick. Or Jeanine. They made last season bearable. Or Katee, Twitch, Courtney or Joshua. In fact, every week I just sort of think they’re all going to reappear, and this show will be as great as I remember it was in the summer of 2008.

Who the hell designs Crazy Mary Murphy’s wardrobe? Because I’ve seen that shit in every Old Time Photo shack across the U.S. of A. Season 5 is in the audience and I momentarily get excited…except Ade is SANS PICK and he’s sitting next to Powder. This is the part when I tell myself Ade’s Pick and Quatto the Mole are battling each other for my affections and will both arrive my window and woo me during the next rainstorm.

Karen Hauer & Kevin Hunte
Maria Torres — Disco
Come to Me (France Joli)

Ok. Um…TMI? Karen auditioned with her husband, who was cut in Vegas. They had been having problems for awhile but trying out for a reality dance show did not fix these issues. Not long after they went back home, their marriage was donezo. Well, I guess that sucks, but I never saw you guys together except in expertly edited footage from a few auditions so I really have no opinion on the matter. See, when your marriage is in trouble, don’t try for a babyfriend or try out for a reality TV show.

Did anyone else catch the deliberate poetic irony of the final scene from the rehearsal footage? Kevin leaves the room while Karen says, I guess I’ll just dance by myself. Someone with a camera must have gone to film school, me thinks. Metaphor! Karen and Kevin take the stage dressed as grapes. The dance is kind of sloppy, like a table Liza Minnelli and Bianca Jagger were sitting at in Studio 54. The rich are always careless with their blow. Adam Shankmann and Crazy Mary love their routine. I guess 1980s British Hair does, too. They know more about dance than I do, and while it was good, some parts of it still seemed…sloppy.

I’m bored. Oskar is bored. I think I have the pig flu. Moving on…

Ashleigh Di Lello & Jakob Karr
Mandy Moore — Contemporary
Relax (Frankie Goes to Hollywood)

Ashleigh is a NERD. She even interned for a senator. Ashleigh is my new favorite because I always favor the intelligent types who have sensible fall-back careers AND brains. Jakob is as queer as $3 bill and BFF with Jeanine Mason. They may be my new favorite couple. They are also dancing with a cane to Frankie Goes to Hollywood. YES SIR!!! WE HAVE A WINNER.

I wish Ashleigh was wearing a different blouse. It does not fit with the look of the entire piece or the couple’s routine. Fashion-wise, with the pirate blouse, they were going for a ringmaster vibe, I think, but it sort of came off more as an over-the-top rich bitch at the stables look than avant garde circus. However, they have some fun with the cane and as I mentioned before, Ashleigh is wicked smart and Jakob is BBF with Jeanine, therefore I LOVE THEM!!!

Shankman noticed what I saw–he almost dropped her. YES! Apparently, I have a keener eye than 1980s British Hair. They recovered nicely, though, and I love them. Crazy Mary yells some positive shit. Homegirl needs another drink and a Cochlear implant.

(On a side note, is it just me or does this Natalie Portman-Tobey McGuire-Jake Gyllenhaal Brothers movie look so damn stupid? You kind of wonder because of the cast, but…they’ve had some duds and I dunno, this just looks terrible.)

Pauline Mata & Peter Sabasino
JT & Tomas — Quick Step (OH NOEZZZ!!!)
Hey Baby (Shake those Hula Hips) — Big Kahuna & the Copa Cat Pack

Peter volunteers with special dancers. This will make it impossible to hate Peter. Ever. Pauline brags about eating all the time and not gaining any weight. I can’t really hate on Pauline for whatever reason, even though Peter totally kicked her ass on their little “things you don’t know about me segment”. Pauline can eat a lot of McDonald’s cheeseburgers. Peter helps the mentally disabled find newfound confidence.

JT & Tomas have choreographed some big band-esque, 1940s number involving the quick step and hip shaking. The quick step always bores me to tears, even though I clearly understand the technicality necessary to pull one off succesfully. The Hawaiian beach at sunset background is hilarious. I am hoping the hilarity is intentional.

I think that was cute. I should have paid a bit more attention, but I’m trying to finish up some work-work. Shankman also finds it adorable. Everyone screws up the quickstep. They often get eliminated. The quickstep is the kiss of death on this show. Shankman goes on and on about their performance, how it was adorable and charismatic. This doesn’t seem to bode well, but Crazy Mary thinks they pulled it off…sort of. She’s calmer now because her drink has been refilled. In her defense, she agrees the only train during the quickstep is a trainwreck. 1980s British Hair thought the storyline made the quickstep more accessible to the audience. He is probably right.

Kathryn McCormick & Legacy Perez
Andy Blankenbuekler — Broadway
I Wanna Be Like You (Swingin’ Fireballs)

Crying girl Kathryn has an annoying voice, which often bugs me. She also goes on mission trips. Ugh. Can’t we just go help people in other countries NOT in the name of that Jesus person? Legacy was going to be a professional football/soccer player when he grew up. I don’t think anyone is going to top Peter dancing with the special kids or Karen getting divorced after Vegas week.

I am intrigued by their choreographer. He looks like a rockabilly drunk who is fun until he gets belligerent around 1:30am. I bet he drinks whiskey and rolls his own cigarettes. His last name is ridiculous.

Their outfits and the set are adorably retro. I’ve always wanted to swing dance and spend a few months in the early 1960s. Maybe work at an ad agency…but not as a secretary. I want to have a swinging bachelor pad. I don’t care if I’m a girl. I want a swinging bachelor pad, dammit! I really have no complaints or criticism about the routine. Shankman also gets to say adorable for like the 15th time tonight, but he wanted Kathryn to be more of a maneater, as the Jungle Book song suggests. Come on! Kathryn is all innocence and mission trips. I don’t know if she can do that sort of thing…

The judges basically tell Legacy they want to hump his leg, but Kathryn is a big ol’ disappointment. 1980s British Hair calls her juvenile…come on…she’s not as bad as Mormon Moron Mollee! Does she have a pimp spot again this week? I can’t take the constant shoving of her down our poor throats.

Channing Cooke & Victor Smalley
Stacey Tookey — Contemporary
Be Be Your Love (Rachael Yamagata)

Victor used to be goth. He even looked authentically goth, not that Hot Topic shit. I think Adam Lambert stole his look? Channing (GO MASSACHUSETTS!) was a lawnmower racer. They’re doing a routine about a toxic relationship. Hot Topic is toxic.

Ok. Let’s just stop here. Their routine is to one of my FAVORITE SONGS. YESSSSS. Everyone needs to download Rachael Yamagata because she is phenomenal, and holy hell, her Duet with Ray LaMontagne is so fraking gorgeous. Anyway, I already know I will love this routine, even with the white rose  & falling petal background that’s straight out of a Summer’s Eve commercial. It’s beautiful. It delivers everything Stacey Tookey promised.

Shankman finds their new partnership reinvigorating. Crazy Mary and 1980s British Hair thought they were technically beautiful, but they weren’t blown away emotionally. Whatevia.

Ellenore Scott & Ryan Di Lello
Lil C — Hip Hop
Lost Boiz Anthem (Tha J Squad)

Ellenore has six different ethnic backgrounds. Ryan is an extreme sports junkie. But who cares? LIL C IS IN DA HOUSE! I love Lil C. I even follow him on Twitter. Lil C hopes they find their swagger, as Ryan is a trained ballroom dancer. Homeboy needs swagger. Not samba. At least not this week.

Ellenore and Ryan play hippity-hoppin’ bank robbers. Gangsta phresh homies, yo. Lost Boiz Anthem has shades of my beloved Dubstep. I would bet $20 I’ve heard this before while using a port-a-potty in the middle of Black Rock City. They make me want to have swagger. I wonder if I could hip hop dance. I thought they did quite well. They swagged. I want to swagg. I have ever since all the black girls tried teaching me the snake and how to double-dutch on the playground and my lack of coordination prevented me from ever picking up either. Oh, the memories of childhood we forever keep.

Shankman is impressed with Ryan’s swagger. I guess they only had a few hours to rehearse? Not sure why that is…did someone else get maimed and I missed it? Crazy Mary plays all unimpressed, says it was just good. 1980s British Hair does not think there was any swagger. He thinks it was horrible. I should have paid attention more. Nigel says they both failed and that they’re “too sweet” for Lil C’s hip hop. I want Shankman and 1980s British Hair to argue as there is an obvious disagreement between the two. Whoa. 1980s British Hair just won’t stop with his THIS SUCKED. Of course, the GODDESS CAT DEELEY turns around and says to Ryan & Ellenore

In a weird way, he’s also saying, You’re too nice.

I love our fair goddess Cat. She is always trying to stay so positive for the kiddies. LOVE HER.

Yuck. Moron Mollee & Nathan are going second to last. I recall them going last when I watched 2 weeks ago…come on now, stop it. I know the little girls like Nathan because he resembles one of those Twilight people. They are the chosen couple. Don’t even play, 1980s British Hair, don’t even play.

Mollee Gray & Nathan Trasoras
Gustavo Vargas — Salsa

Why are we forced to see baby photos of this nitwit? COME ON. I don’t want to know anything about you, you irritating twit. And I still don’t like you, and I won’t feel sorry for you because you’re deaf in your left ear. Nathan is big into jet skiing (it’s WAVE RUNNING, dammit). I really hope Moron Mollee fails miserably at being “sexy” and “mature” this week. I want to kill her when she yells they will do MUY BUENO. Someone get her a muzzle. Oh christ, she says she is going to become SEXY-FIED MOLLEE. Shoot me now.

When they appear on stage, she looks like a complete moron. Awkward. Nathan can almost pull it off, hell, he looks more salsa than this twin could ever hope. She may be able to nail some of the technical stuff, but there is nothing sexy about it. Her facial expressions are ridiculous. This is a child playing dress-up. Sorry, but that salsa was decidedly mild.

YAY! Shankman hated it. Hated it. He calls it bad luck of the draw, but that’s just code for HATED IT. He even uses the word awkward (see above) and says it exposes all of their weaknesses. Oh, stop trying to tell everyone how they’re fan favorites and how they’ve been fantastic every other week. Keep Nathan. Lose Moron Mollee.

No, it wasn’t sexy-fied…It was french fried, I’m afraid.

Oh, Crazy Mary. I love your madness sometimes. And I fully support your need to wash down those french fries with a cool refreshing glass of Captain Morgan with a splash of Diet Coke.

Noelle Marsh & Russell Ferguson
Sean Cheesman — African Jazz
Frog Dance — Mickey Hart & Planet Drum

Noelle loves her brother. Russell is a talented artist — sketching, drawing, that sort of thing. I don’t know how Noelle & Russell have no clue what African Jazz is. I’m a little white girl from St. Louis. I figured it out. Choreographer is handsome in a if-Phil-Ivey-were-a-dancer kind of way.

I really wish Debbie Allen was judging tonight. I think she might just LOVE this. I’m pretty damn impressed. Way to end the show on a high note. Noelle & Russell as strong, the way they’re able to lift one another and flip the other over, yes, but they’re also just strong dancers. Yup. Definitely impressed. Great routine and they nailed it.

The judges find it joyful. There is characterization and storylines. The audience can identify! I bet Crazy Mary puts them on her Hot Tamale Train, since no one has been allowed aboard tonight, but that’s only because Crazy Mary hasn’t had time to lock up the booze (she has to keep a backup supply!) in the bar cart yet. OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH. She’s screaming CRAZY GOOD. The booze on the hot tamale train is now secure. Let them board, Mary, let them board. OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH CAN YOU HEAR IT NIGEL??

All aboard the Hot Tamale Train for Russell and Noelle. Quick! Grab a drink before the booze runs out. If you get lucky, you may even be allowed into Mary’s secret booze locker. Well, just wait until she passes out and gently take the key from her bra (don’t feel her up, just grab the key, ya sicko!). You know Crazy Mary Murphy keeps the key to her booze closet in her bra as well as you know your own name, so don’t even play like this surprises you.

Keith Urban lies! And what polite, gracious liars are he and his lovely wife, Nicole Kidman.

From Danny Gokey’s Twitter:

Wow I met Keith Urban. He proceded to introduce me 2 Nicole Kidman & said that she got him into American idol & that they were cheering 4 me

So Danny didn’t get to meet Mr. Urban at the Idol Finale in May? Alas. It’s nice they’re letting him do the red carpet perp walks at all these big country events (Tonight the BMI awards, tomorrow night, the CMAs), but I’m still not sold on whether or not he will be embraced by Nashville. And I certainly hope he’s not bringing Pastor Rolex as his date.

Oh Gokey, stop talking while you’re ahead:

I was told by a few media outlets that Keith & Nicole liked me while I was n american idol. Now I heard it first-hand~Amazing! Never give up

Sigh…oh Gokey, I swear I’ve tried, I swear. I’ve tried.

Click here and hear snippets from Alison Iraheta’s debut album, Just Like You.

Even though Robot Love sounds kind of Brittney, I have to love it because its called Robot Love, but I’m kind of worried about the rest of the album. What do you think? I am not feeling Don’t Waste the Party, and I’m guessing Scars is the one written by Pink? Come on! This is La Princesa del Mariachi! I want MORE oomph.

From the Kris Allen Q&A with New York Magazine’s Culture Vulture:

One track that’s not on the album is “No Boundaries.” Why not?
I think there was a discussion about it. But we felt like we had a lot better stuff than that song to go on the album.

Even 19E knew No Boundaries sucked. Kara DioGuardi sucks…yet, she’s a judge and our poor Percocet Paula is forced into freelancing while Shit-For-Brains has a parking spot and a bi-weekly outlet to show the world she doesn’t know shit about songwriting, music history, and basic mathematics.

And by the way…I’ve listened to Kris Allen’s debut a few times. The weakest song is definitely Lifetime and Alright With Me screams Kenny Loggins…but I kind of dig it. Heartless (“remixed”) and Before We Come Undone have grown on me, but the definite winners are Bring It Back and Can’t Stay Away. I don’t hate any of it, nor do I agree with the crap about it being Daughtry or David Cook leftovers–the only song which I could remotely see Cook doing is Is It Over, perhaps.

What I do know is that for something recorded in only a few months time WHILE TOURING, this is a solid debut album. And it is by far the least Idol-y of any contestant who received a 19E contract. Kris Allen never claimed he was going to reinvent the wheel–and he didn’t, but his first release is worth a listen. It shows considerable talent. The guy is a musician.

I’m pulling for this kid to make it outside the Idol bubble. Doesn’t make me a Kristard, either. And while we’re on the subject of Kristards, which one of you people left this comment on the aforementioned article??

He makes boob sweat look hot.
(Oh, and the album preview I heard yesterday is really good too.)

(BTW, NY Mag also has a excellent article about the season finale of Mad Man. I can’t believe we have to wait until next summer for more Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. BASTARDS!!!)

Compliments of AOL Music, here ya go…if you haven’t heard it yet

I’m giving it my first listen. Will let you know what I think. So far so good…

Ryan Seacrest wants to bring Kris Allen, Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta to YOUR town. Enter your zip code and information in Ryan Rock My Town. I’m thinking the area of the country who has the most fans wins a special concert. Expect fan groups to be going batshit crazy over this one (ONTD_AI will probably stan the frak out of themselves, because that’s just what they do), but whatever city/town wins, well, they best be prepared for the nonsense.

I imagine this will be sponsored by Wal-Mart Soundcheck but the good news is, there will be no Danny Gokey. It even seems those wily executives over at 19E even consider La Princesa del Mariachi the TRUE third place finisher.

(Source: AI Now)