Ashley Furl is unlike anything else I have ever seen. Sweetie, get a grip. You’re 14. Stop crying. I don’t care how popular you are on YouTube and you get on national television, some free American Idol tickets whenever you feel a good cry coming on. You’re 14! Please do not be the world’s youngest fantard!!

Luckily, someone got the moment when she met David Archuleta on VIDEO. YES! Archie looks a bit uncomfortable by the whole situation, proving once again that this kid might be kind of likable once you get him off stage and not force me to listen to his renditions of already crappy ballads.

After a second viewing, I do believe she may be crying because she is wearing some sponge-painted heart t-shirt and I’m now wondering if she is allowed to ever NOT wear braids.

Quick. Somebody call Chris Hansen. While this is subtle, I still think it has kid toucher written all over it. Detective Elliot Stabler would have whomever made this little ditty in a chokehold outside a storage facility right this very moment. Law & Order: SVU could totally do a “ripped from the headlines” or “inspired by” episode based on crazy Idol fans.

And since I was late in getting this one out, here’s another ConTard one. The ConTards may have the scariest Idol Fan photoshops. They do a lot of Anne Geddes-type stuff with his image, and that shit is already batshit crazy with those damn babies. Wait. I forgot about the Claymates fascination with Jesus and Clay for a moment there. Ok. Well, let’s just say its a tossup about which Tard group makes the scariest damn Photoshops.

Somehow I don’t think Greasy Constantine actually wants to spread peace and love. Unless “Peace & Love” is his super-secret special code for some nasty VD scientists have yet to pinpoint the exact bacterium of yet. And seriously, this dude needs to quit with the rawkhands. That’s what ConTards call them…RAWKHANDS! Because hand gestures are soooo “rawk & roll”. It hasn’t dawned on either them or Greasy Constantine that making stupid hand signals every time a camera is in your direction makes you him look like a even bigger choad. Never before has a photo talking about “spreading peace & love” made me want to go and make a Molatov Cocktail. That’s some pretty powerful artistry!

The wonderful IdleTard has compiled some of the craziest postings from Greasy Constantine fans in one of their latest posts.

If you ever encounter an honest-to-goodness ConFan, stay as far away as possible. You should also be careful if you work in a public place, such as a store or bank. ConFans are known to try and and make conversation about how wonderful their Smarmy Savior is while doing such things as buying groceries or cashing checks. They do this all in the name of street teaming.

If you are ever on the same street they happen to be “teaming”, it is imperative that you run as fast as you can or else you may find yourself forced to read vomit-inducing “fan fiction” or hearing about how their sick ticket’s heart desire is a “triple threat” in the world of music, theater and television/film. You may be better off encountering a couple of angry MS-13 members than some of these women. The possibility of meeting a violent death may be a much better fate than sitting through the entirety of Greasy Constantine’s self-titled 2007 release.

The devotion to Greasy Constantine is rather frightening and their fandom is not for the faint-of-heart. Most of this stuff you can’t even make up. For example:

A few years ago, Greasy Constantine inspired a book in which one ConTard claimed was being optioned into a film and he would be the star. (This particular ConTard has multiple “web” personalities and was most likely also the author, but she just claimed to have a close relationship with the woman and was working hard at bringing this enthralling tale, entitled The Front Man, to the big screen. She also claimed to be a plus-size model and beauty queen in addition to being an esteemed PR professional with ties to the music industry.)

Here’s a photo of this BIG-time PR professional & writer / model, which she in fact did post of herself on this great big world wide web. I have no problem doing this because she posted it and it does not show her face. Oh who am I kidding. Anyone who would post this of themselves DESERVES to have it posted anywhere and everywhere possible.

Here’s a quick summary of “Pamela Louise Lee’s” The Front Man. Oh. And you won’t be able to buy this shit at Borders even if you wanted to do such a thing. Its an eBook and only available for download. (Hey, $6 can’t get you much these days, but I wouldn’t waste my pennies on this tripe.) Granted, they do offer several FREE eBOOKS with the purchase of just one so hey, go for it if you so choose.

Johnie lie there in bed alone. She had just awakened and didn’t have a clue what the time was. God, she hurt from the inside out. She had never experienced such conflict. She had Elwood, and she had the love of her life in him. Spike could be her friend, not her lover, and yet, she ached for him. She had never known anything like this kind of love before; her body, mind and soul.

Spike entered his bedroom and began to take the rock star away. God, he needed to be Elwood. His emotions were running dangerously high, and he knew Johnie was a mess, too. It was his fault. He jumped into the shower and scrubbed. Gotta get Spike outta here. He thought to himself. After the shower he slid into his bed and slept like he had never slept, and dreamed of his Juicy Fruit and wondered if he could ever come clean to the only woman he had ever truly loved.

Johnie, a recording engineer goes to sleep one night, engaged to be married to tall, goofy Elwood, and awakens to find herself next to Spyker, the hottest idol in modern rock. This is their story.

In case you hadn’t already figured it out, Spyker / Spike is the Greasy Constantine character. But you’re smart, so I probably didn’t have to tell you this. However, I did just want to reiterate it because…

Some Idol fans are BATSHIT CRAZY!!!

I still feel bad that some of these people are forced to sing this group song. But here are YOUR AMERICAN IDOLS doing Please Don’t Stop The Music in Vegas on July 5th.

Quick Recap:

• Sexy Aussie does some robot dance which I’m pretty sure is done only in an attempt at being humorous and probably because he realizes he’s not trained in dancing and that they all look like complete asshats during any group sing. Sexy Aussie and Carly just want a beer. Can someone please get them a beer?
• Coretta Scott Mercado has her afro a’flowing and wants you to love her because she desperately needs public adulation. Oh, and she’s black! Did you know? Check out that killer afro! She’s totally BLACK. She is sooo in touch with her blackness and her African-American heritage that she regularly refuses to give up her seat to Brooke White on the Idol Tour Bus.
• David Cook marches onto the stage like he, yeah, was in marching band. I was a flag girl. I know all about this shit. That boy looks like he was in the high school marching band. Archie comes in on the top of this stage setup, as does Cook, but Archie doesn’t march like he was in marching band because Archie was not allowed to do marching band because that would interfere with him singing for his family’s supper.
• Ramikin just wants you to look at her. She even waves. Well, she’s real little and you might miss her because she’s all tiny and shit. Plus, all she cares about is that she is on the AI tour so she can sing tired songs that have been sung on every other season of American Idol. Her life’s dream has been achieved. ($50 says she’s an American Idol Extra or TV Guide co-host next season.)
• There is not enough Chikieze, but any Chikieze is better than no Chikieze. Kristy Lee still has an enviable body but still looks like she would be a dead fish in bed. Mormon Brooke still sucks and I’m surprised she didn’t ask to start over, even if it was a group number. You know she’s always getting her special Mormon panties in a bunch, especially when Coretta Scott Mercado won’t give her the seat she wants on the bus.
• Stoner J sings ever-so-sweetly to the crowd, completely unaware that near-menopausal women are plotting the pillaging of his sperm in order to turkey baste themselves with the hopes of bearing tiny Castronut children.

Poor sweet Jason Castro. Some of his fans seem to actually believe his “video dates” are akin to ACTUAL DATES.

Sweet Stoner J, you need to run far away from these people! They’re talking about having your babies!!

Since I enjoy seeing crazy Idol Fan Photoshops sooooo much, I’ve decided its going to be a regular feature.

And this one is SCARY!!! Double your pleasure??? Looking at this crap actually made me momentarily want to be blind. Hell, my Macbook almost died when I moved this to the desktop, but my duties as a journalist made me take the risk in order to inform the unsuspecting public that people are grossly misusing imaging software on a daily basis.

(Thanks to B for the find)

And speaking of Greasy Constantine, he’s hawking some of his grease-stained shirts on eBay. Yup. eBay. It was originally listed as saying all funds went to charity, but since you have to REGISTER charity auctions on eBay, it was quickly pulled and then reposted sans any mention of it being a charity auction. Perhaps his chosen charity is called RENT MONEY.

In the “News” section (dated July 3rd) OK Magazine features an article on How Kimberly Caldwell Landed David Cook.

“Kimberly made her way to the Idol set during a taping and asked one of the security guys to slip David her number,” her pal tells OK!. “She insisted they tell him to call.”

Holy crap! This is more important than anything EVER PRINTED IN COSMOPOLITAN. Thanks to the women of American Idol, all my realtionship woes are SOLVED. OK Magazine (the print edition) also helped me out earlier this week with their 15 Tips for Getting and Keeping a Guy advice article using the relationship missteps of Carrie Underwood as an example, I have seen the light!!

Wait…I won’t ever buy that shit magazine so I didn’t read it, so I guess I’m screwed. I better brush up the next time I’m waiting in line with my groceries or I am destined to be alone with my cat forever. I will become a Cat Lady if I do not read these articles. Thank you, OK, you have SAVED MY LIFE!!!

(Thanks to X for the link)

Happy 4th of July. 4th of July can be a special time for rabid Idol fans as it is one more holiday for them to Photoshop holiday greetings with the object of their obsession’s likeness juxtaposed against typical holiday themes.

For example, take this online greeting created by one of Greasy Constantine’s ultra-devoted fans. (Yes, you know you just read that and thought to yourself, what? Greasy Constantine from American Idol Season 5 has FANS??? Don’t worry. He doesn’t have all that many.)

Red, white and barf. This makes me want to defect to Mexico.

But rabid Idol fans do a lot of Photoshopping, and not just on holidays…They also like to bastardize tragic events in American history.

Is it just me, or does the above image seem really inappropriate?

Speaking of inappropriate…

Even the casual observer of Idol and / or Idol fandom knows about those rabid Clay Aiken fans who refer to themselves as Claymates. Check out this fabulous Photoshop job AND the accompanying text. (Thanks, W, for bringing this to my attention a few weeks ago. You know who you are and how much I adore you.)

God’s love holds ALL the power…. At 6am PST every morning, I will be calling on that power and I will be praying for God’s love to guide Clay, to protect Clay, to fill his heart with peace and joy knowing he is loved and knowing we know what he knows and it is good…and as hard as it seem at times, I will pray that his enemies will one day know what we know and be changed for the good….I hope you will join me where ever you are.

Shit. Its 11am EST which means I totally missed the Clay Prayer Moment. Oh wait. I don’t pray and I don’t like Clay Aiken. But take another gander at the aforementioned passage.

ENEMIES? ENEMIES? Who are these people? There are other people who talked about their enemies, too. Like Jim Jones. Jim Jones and his followers went to Guyana because of their enemies. Scientologists, as stated by church doctrine, are allowed to do anything they damn well please to their enemies in order to protect their Xenu beliefs. David Koresh kept massive firearms in his Waco compound to protect his followers against their enemies.

I loathe John Mayer. I have friends that like John Mayer. This does not affect my friendship with these people, even though I think John Mayer is a huge choad. When you consider people who do not share your feelings towards someone as inconsequential as a recording “artist” to be an enemy, you have serious issues.

Photoshop anything you damn well want to Photoshop. That’s the beauty of Photoshop and other imaging software. But please, when you start referring to people who do not share your same feelings towards a particular contestant on American Idol as an enemy, its time to take a good look in the mirror and flush the Kool-Aid.

Yeah, must admit I wouldn’t mind seeing video of Cook and Johns hanging out again. They just seem like a merry band of dudes with whom it would be fun to get knackered. That’s why Carly can hang. None of those other chicks can handle their liquor. You know Kristy Lee Cook can’t even finish three Coors Lights without stripping down to her bra and proclaiming “I’m sooooooo drunkkkkk” and then passing out on some dude who thought he was gonna get some’s lap.

Watch Cook’s final pre-tour video blog entry. Guess he gets a fancy new camera when he boards the bus. Ah, the internet. Allowing scary ass Idol fans even more “insight” into these poor kids’ lives more and more with every passing season…

(Sugarfoot? Does this have something to do with the rumored Size-13 shoes?)

Maybe David Cook would do the same thing? As seen on Just Jared, Tay-Tay stopped by the horde of Jonas Brothers fans waiting outside on his way into Live with Regis & Kelly.

I think I might kind of dig his sense of humor. I mean, I’m sure Clay Aiken is decorating his fetus’ nursery in Jonas Brothers pictures, but Tay Tay ain’t no Clay. So I am about 99% positive he was just trying to be funny with this one. Don’t go calling Chris Hanson or anything on the guy.