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American Idol Top 7: Tilibu Diba Douchoo

April 15, 2008

You know what’s missing on that stage? MICHAEL FRAKKING JOHNS!

This should be interesting, as I am racking my brain trying to figure out any Mariah Carey song I have liked since the 8th Grade, when everyone had that debut CD. Oh yeah, don’t laugh, but the best ever Mariah song is All I Want For Christmas Is You, which is kind of out of season. But if I were on American Idol, I would totally sing it AND dress up in the red & white Santa Slut costume. Because baby, when I sing, it’s just like Christmas.

I think Brooke White almost mauled Mariah. And of course Mariah would bring her little dog, she’s one of those people that won’t accessorize without a tiny dog. Good to see she’s recycling some of those 1993 bodysuits to create equally as terrible ensembles in 2008.

So Randy was responsible for Touch My Body? Makes sense. Because it totally sucks. It sucks just as bad as his stupid little kid craft bracelets.

The Child With No Soul
When You Believe

I could only hope the first spot would ensure certain doom for That Stupid Kid, but he’s like Teflon. He is also wearing vinyl pants, so very very wrong. I realize I have heard this song and I have always absolutely loathed it. This kid doesn’t sing anything but “message” songs. You know who might be able to do a killer impression of this kid? SNL’s Fred Armisen. Once again, the robotic teenager did nothing to move me. Now let’s watch all the judges ride his nutsack. And what do you mean, Randy, that he can sing anything? Because it’s a “girl” song? Uh, no. It’s a boring stupid ballad, the only thing this android can do.

Mick O’McLastchanceatstardom
Ken Lee

Like Smithson, I am also mourning the loss of Michael Johns. He should not have gone out before the Top 5. And placing Carly in the #2 singing spot continues to lend some credibility to the theories about intentional knockoffs. She’s become the sacrificial lamb. I cannot listen to this song without thinking of Valentina Hasen’s Ken Lee. No really, I cannot listen to this song without thinking Ken Leeeeee. You know she wants to bust out a little “tilibu diba douchoo”. If American Idol does not bring Valentina Hasen on for tomorrow’s results show or the big finale, I will cry. Carly did good, better than That Stupid Kid. And tell me why Paula isn’t the spokesmodel for Cache because no one embodies the Cache fashion philosophy better than Ms. Abdul. Anyway, Without You is just a boring song. The only way its not boring is when Valentina Hasan sings it.

(Yes, American Idol, you are so blatant in who you want kept in this competition.)

Supermercado
Vanishing

Another Mariah song I hate. I realized, I know all these songs, just not necessarily all of the titles. Syesha apparently rolled her head in Kristy Lee’s glitter stash. Ah…another decent vocal from a truly boring singer. All hopes about Syesha having a “hidden edge” to her performance persona were dashed for me with last week’s Fantasia knockoff. Right now, for the next 3 weeks, its going to be the systematic destruction of Syesha, Kristy Lee and Carly. It’s just a matter of the order in which they’re eliminated.

Wholesome Hemmroids
Hero

Hero. What a terribly annoying song. The cardboard cutout story was stupid, as wouldn’t it make more sense to have videotaped a greeting and song for her beloved sister? Boring. Boring. Boring. And she did her typical babbling and pouting when in front of the judges.

(Paula is beautifully incoherrent this week.)

Kristy Lee Cleavage
Forever

I don’t think Mariah feels comfortable hugging people that aren’t as famous as her, or after she’s had a few glasses of wine (like in this fabulous photo of her and my friend Party Paul). Anyway, Kristy Lee puts a slight country twinge onto Forever (big surprise), is wearing a breast-enhancing dress and lots ‘o’ glitter. But those fake eyelashes may be a little much, looking more like an eyebrow stolen from Peter Gallagher. Kristy Lee, the longer she stays, the more confident she becomes. Wouldn’t exactly call myself a fan, but she has shown improvement and deserves better props than what she got from the judges. The only person they’ve lauded so far is oh, big surprise, The 12th Cylon.

(How cute. Ramiele just can’t get enough American Idol, even after she got booted. I don’t understand those people, for instance, the ones who get fired from a bar and then go hang out there after the fact. Why would you hang out at a place that fired you? That’s kind of how I see attending all the American Idol nearly immediately after your your ousting. But I guess its screen time if you can get it.)

David Power Note Squint
Always Be My Baby

Is Cook paying tribute to his fallen comrade, Michael Johns, with the vest and tie ensemble (watch for a cravat tomorrow)? Kind of a fun arrangement, very nice and I would like to hear the studio version (but I still think Cook’s Hello was his best performance). Yes, he did great, but then it just starts reminding me how the judges never ask The Chosen One to “stretch” himself. And while Cook can bother me by being cocky, I am touched by his genuine emotion at being able to perform in front of his brother, who is being treated for brain cancer and was able to be in tonight’s audience. On that note, the judges should really curb the use of the word “brave”. Suffering from brain cancer, that’s BRAVE. Singing a song on a stage is nothing compared to the kind of bravery needed to fight cancer.

Blazing Jason
I’m Not Gonna Cry

I kind of feel like this is almost an “island” version, like something I would hear used in a movie during the scene where the girl catches her brand new boyfriend making out with some dumb young hooker, before running off to go um, eat Poi. Which is apparently what Paula and Simon were babbling about. Once again, I took great pleasure in watching Stoner Jason. He’s one of my favorites and will remain as such unless he gets an Archuleta lobotomy within the next month.

A mainly dull experience, as per usual. But at least no one allowed Teri Hatcher to sing. Oh, and I would have preferred to have seen a Michael Johns performance (According to his EW Exit Q&A, he was going to sing Vision of Love) in place of any of the girls’ performances.

Bottom 3: Carly, Syesha, Brooke
Going home: Syesha

Top Idol Rankings:

  1. David Cook
  2. Jason Castro
  3. Kristy Lee Cook (I know, I can’t believe I’ve ranked her this high myself!)
  4. Carly Smithson
  5. Syesha Mercado
  6. Brooke White (Yawn. Yawn. Pout. Yawn.)
  7. David Archuleta (You bore me and the vinyl pants looked ridiculous on you. You’re a closeted 17-year-old from Utah with shit music taste. Take it slow, sweetheart, take it slow. You shan’t be wearing rock star pants when you’re singing shit ass ballads.

Thanks to Rickey.org for the photos!

(Just because all the eye candy is gone, I felt the need to insert this cravat-cool photo.)

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. Camaro permalink
    August 30, 2008 4:57 pm

    I don’t like any of them.

  2. Jennie permalink
    June 19, 2008 3:56 pm

    bitch stop talknig shit bout david archuleta u little pussy ass fucker ur little article totally suxs ass bitch not every thinks the same as u stupid ass nigguh so if i were u i’d go suck on a dick u bitch

  3. Courtney permalink
    June 12, 2008 12:19 am

    I don’t know how you can bash people who obviously have works so hard for this. I know we all have opinions, but have you ever thought to judge with understanding and maybe a little less about how they look and what they’re wearing? And leave out the insults on the side. It may be hard to believe, but sometimes they’re offending to people. We don’t all have the same opinions, nor do we all enjoy bashing the contestants as you do.

  4. May 14, 2008 9:21 pm

    wtf. u bogus. david archuleta is like the best singer in this whole american idol contest. tats the only reason i watch it. the next time u say somethig bad about him think again 100000 times.

  5. Archies permalink
    May 12, 2008 10:19 pm

    We are Archies. In honor of Mr. Perfect (A.K.A. DA) we try to be as nice as humanly possible, but… when it comes to dissing David…(who was by the way in the words of DA, wearing “church slacks” NOT vinyl pants.) we put all morals aside, and would care to give all DA haters a special message… when you bash, you will crash, burn, and you can infer the rest. We love David Archuleta!
    Love two love-struck girls in Pennsylvania. 🙂

  6. topidol permalink
    April 20, 2008 1:05 am

    I think I may watch “Ken Lee” at least once every other day. The version where she went back at least once a week. There is just something about it that never ever gets old. She needs to be on the “AI” finale.

  7. whiskers permalink
    April 20, 2008 1:03 am

    thank you for pointing out “Ken Lee”. I love it. I even watched her version when she came back and sang on the Real Music Idol show.

  8. UnitsGal permalink
    April 16, 2008 11:19 am

    I liked Michael Johns… I liked watching him on mute when my husband was out and my son was asleep….. just sayin’ But I don’t really miss his singing. Stoner Boy while his facial tics are getting to me is a better singer. WH was HORRID, YIKES! She must be stopped!

  9. topidol permalink
    April 16, 2008 10:44 am

    Dealing with cancer takes more bravery than singing some song on a stage, that was my point. Not that cancer isn’t both shitty and sucky, but you know, you gotta be brave when you’re looking death in the eye.

  10. Phil permalink
    April 16, 2008 10:19 am

    How is suffering from brain cancer brave? I’d describe that as “shitty” or “sucky.”

  11. Pinky permalink
    April 16, 2008 1:53 am

    WH (short for Wholesome Hemmeroid) started okay, then flared up and then just itched and burned. Honestly, she was the worst of the group this week. And I really don’t like Syesha but she can be kept around for another week if elimination is the Preparation H for us viewers. Time to put WH out! And tears for Michael Johns.

  12. Cra-Z-4-Music permalink
    April 16, 2008 1:33 am

    I agree!!! I was sad to watch the show without Michael. If you want more Michael, check out music on iTunes by The Rising – titled Future Unknown. He was known as Michael Lee at that time and was the lead singer. Apparently, the CD was recorded but never released until iTunes released it when he was on the show. Buy it, and maybe the music industry will get the hint that we want to see more from him.

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