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American Idol Top 7: Thrown from the proverbial Idol horse

April 17, 2008

Now Randy is wearing a little kid craft necklace. Paula seems to have a juxtaposition of random household items entwined around her neck.

Kristy Lee needs to come clean with her glitter problem, because that outfit bordered on being nice, but then it went all into too-much-Swarovski territory with that belt.

I want to chop off The Kid With No Soul’s non-mic holding harm because he relies on it to convey “emotion”. Uh, ok.

Oh please don’t mention the songwriting contest. All entries need to be scrapped. I also declare a moratorium on any song with the words believe or heaven in the title for the entire Idol universe.

I am tempted to download David Cook’s Always Be My Baby. It seems to get better on the second and third times you hear it.

Oh look at this, they’re mixing things up to scare us, putting Castro and D. Cook on opposite sides of the stage. Maybe they’re going to make someone choose…like the robot kid.

And yes, they have been a bit rough on Carly. In a way, its not unlike an abusive relationship, telling someone how great they are in between cutting them down repeatedly, yet in the process, making the one being abused believe it is all in the name of “character building.”

Holy shit. This Ford commercial totally proves my point about how I really need to see Fred Armisen impersonate The Child With No Soul on an upcoming episode of SNL. If you’ve ever seen the brilliant Sexual Harassment and You sketch, you will definitely know what I am talking about.

I like Elliott Yamin, even though I pretty much hate 90% of modern R&B. There is just something irresistibly likable about Elliott, and he really grew on me throughout his season. It’s nice to see him enjoying a modest amount of post-Idol success. Oh look at Paula, getting it down. The song was so-so, and frankly, I’m really tired of songs all about believing in miracles. And while I hated David Cook’s “Give Back” Sharpie-to-Palm maneuver last week, I find Elliott’s message to his recently deceased mother is kind of touching. If I remember correctly, I got a bit misty-eyed when him and his mother went back to his hometown during the final 3 of that season. They were just so sweet together. RIP Mama Yamin.

Oh, you know they’re gonna make that dumb kid choose where he’s supposed to go. I wish it would be a blow to his “aw-shucks humility” I know is a complete crock of shit, but I’m sure he’s already been coached on what to do by Nigel Lythgoe.

OH MORMON BROOKE, SHUT UP. Just don’t speak.

The matchups, however, don’t make much sense. Brooke is almost guaranteed to be in the Bottom 3, just as Stoner Jay is guaranteed to be in the Top 3.

So Brooke even has to open her mouth while Kristy Lee is talking? You know, I can’t believe how Brooke has become so ridiculously annoying, that I’ve become a borderline Kristy Lee fan.

Here is my question, this one goes out to Brooke and the Souless Child:

Since you guys are both Mormon (dumb-da-dumb-dumb-dumb), do you wear your magical underpants while performing on the Idol stage?

(Wait. Now I totally want to see a Mormon Magical Underpants Trio with The Chosen Eunuch, Wholesome Hemmeroids AND Elizabeth Smart on harp. Donny Osmond can only show up if he promises to sing Soldier of Love.)

Stoner Jay has wonderful facial expressions sometimes when he is being interviewed or focused on while not singing. I do like how he somehow looks shocked to be there, as if he woke up in a Northern Lights-filled haze and found himself sitting next to Ryan Seacrest.

David Cook telling the viewers that he is single…This could mobilize a very scary fan base.

Uh, Mariah Carey’s mic and microphone stand. Uh…That’s just not right. I don’t know if that dress is a good fit for her body, as slinky little numbers like that can only be worn by a few, like Number Six. It’s just that sometimes, at the wrong angles, on most people, its not the best choice. Perhaps it would be better if Mariah would forgo the need to wear ultra-miniskirts, but whatever. I guess I can’t complain too much because hell, I don’t own my very own crystal-encrusted microphone. I still wish she would perform her awesome Christmas song, even though it is April. And I like Mariah Carey “in person” much more than I ever imagine I would have. Dare I say, she lacks much of the annoying Diva-ness that embodies the overwrought J. Lo. But I did once read she tosses out each pair of underwear after wearing them once. You know its probably like La Perla, too. I don’t know, this kind of defeats the purpose of “lucky underwear”, but with that much cash, you probably don’t need lucky undergarments as much as other people.

Ok. Why did they have to single out That Stupid Kid again. Why is he the only one declared safe? Seriously. Let’s just put his photo in the credits already. And were we go, he’s trying to join the “safe group”. Lame, lame, lame. Think up some new tricks, American Idol.

Well, I’m actually happy to see that Carly is safe, I had her pegged for the Bottom 3. But I’m fairly certain Kristy Lee is safe. She still has one more week left in her. Christ, I think I’m actually HOPING that she is safe. WTF? Syesha? She’s SAFE?? Ooooh, my picks are so wrong. Ok, Brooke is going, I just know it. Pinky is gonna be so happy.

Wait. No way. Sure, Kristy Lee has sucked it up something fierce, but I was pretty sure she was safe this week. Damn you, Dial Idol! This can’t be right. Why am I suspecting another fix, just as last week?

Let’s relive Kristy Lee’s journey, if just for one last look at her tragically tie-dyed audition shirt. Oh well, she’ll at least get a Maxim spread and a country album out of it, even if she can’t get her damn horse back. I don’t know, this elimination still seems a bit wrong. Do love how she’s almost sitting on Simon’s lap, though. This chick did have some spunk and personality, which is more than can be said for White Trash Pickler and Farmbot Underwood, so I’m sure she’ll do just fine.

KRISTY LEE BONUS!!

In honor of Kristy Lee’s departure, let’s play the titular video from her early album Devoted. The production quality is pretty low-budget, and the “storyline” is more Wal-Mart-ready than that American Flag Cake recipe developed by Kraft that pops up in magazines by early June. You know the one, with the Cool Whip and the berries arranged all patriotically. I wouldn’t want to ruin it for you, but let’s just say this gal is going to a USO Tour somewhere near Islamabad in the near future. In any case, Kristy Lee does go swimming while wearing a white tank top and wears some cheap bridal-esque lingerie in another scene.

Ms. Cook also did a commercial for something called HydraBrush. I don’t understand the placement of magazines in the dental office, but it is quite apparent the low-budget adult film vibe was completely intentional.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. American Patriot permalink
    April 20, 2008 11:05 pm

    You gotta love a gal who knows how to ride a horse 😉

  2. rascal permalink
    April 20, 2008 7:28 am

    topidol – I appreciate good snark just as much as the next cynic, and enjoy reading your posts. I am honestly curious about one thing, however. The viewers seem to be be divided into two distinct camps when it comes to Archuleta, and they couldn’t be more polarized. HIs fans (which are not just tween girls) say he connects emotionally to a degree they’ve rarely experienced from a performer before, and his critics say exactly the opposite–that he is chillingly soulless and robotic. You obviously fall into the latter camp, so I hope you will clarify this view. What performers DO connect with you, and why do you think Archie is so polarizing?

  3. topidol permalink
    April 18, 2008 4:52 am

    Pinky, you need to learn its just not about the voice or being able to sing crappy lyrics. I think people are bored with that. People should play instruments, be different, et al,

  4. Pinky permalink
    April 18, 2008 12:29 am

    So I’m admitting that I’m watching “Don’t Forget The Lyrics” and Kimberly Locke is on. What happened to the days when the American Idol contestants were good? Lame show or not, I can’t figure out one of these contestants that could just sing every single song. Sorry…just had to get it out.

  5. topidol permalink
    April 17, 2008 10:59 am

    Funny, whenever I saw her referred to as “KLC”, I thought of KFC, too, which would open up a brethrn of “finger-licking good” jokes.

    I seriously didn’t expect her to go home. I wanted her to leave more so in the beginning, by this point, I was really hoping Mormon Brooke would say goodbye (along with Syesha) before her since Michael Johns, Chikieze and Amanda were all forced to go. If she didn’t go out before them, then whatever, she should have stayed longer than Brooke.

    And Brooke really is an actual Mormon, btw. Her and Robot Child are real-live followers of Joseph Smith.

  6. UnitsGal permalink
    April 17, 2008 10:50 am

    I knew Pinky would be upset. Me and UnitsGuy were totally expecting Brook to go home. He even said, Holy Glittery Bussom! In reference to KLC. Aw too bad her middle name isn’t Francis then it could have been KFC and there would have been so many more jokes available.

  7. Pinky permalink
    April 17, 2008 1:11 am

    FUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK….I was so close to being put out of my misery.

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