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American Idol Extra: Kristy’s Getting Married! I Don’t Care. Oh. And Greasy Constantine gets a new nickname.

April 19, 2008

(The above photo was from when Ms. Cook was represented by RMG.)

How cute. Announcing your engagement right after your elimination guarantees you some coverage in OK! Magazine months long after the American public has forgotten your name. Granted I suppose simple folk have less relationship troubles than others, but Christ, I would never want to be a fly on the wall when Kristy Lee and her precious Andy are having a conversation about their day. Convenient that he “re-proposed” in time for her elimination.

When they show the little goodbyes between the judges and the fallen contestant, its kind of interesting, because its obvious Simon isn’t such a bad guy. Big surprise, however, that Brooke has to step in during this moment with Kristy Lee. Can someone just make her shut up?

Oh Kristy Lee, all the things you did to slightly endear yourself to me have been pretty much negated between viewing your pre-Idol music video and your strategic “re-proposal.”

Seems like The Sultan of Smarm, aka Greasy Constantine, has been visiting the tanning salon. Eeek. No amount of sterile spray will remove his smarm from the tanning bed after his 20 minute session. Interviewing “celebrities”, uh, ok. Can we please stop referring to people on The Hills as celebrities?

Shit. I think The Sultan of Smarm was groping Paula from behind. And obviously, she liked it. And the cameraman from Borat was there! He was wearing clothing and had an American accent so I didn’t immediately recognize him.

More Kristy Lee exit interview bullshit. Ok, now supposedly she sang God Bless the USA to her father, who had served in Vietnam. Now I recall seeing a photo of her father holding a little Kristy Lee that week and he appeared way to young to have served any tour of duty in Vietnam. I wonder if she’s not confused about the whole veteran thing, as Ali G once was, because veterans are not just the people who served in Vietnam.

Kristy Lee was roommates with Brooke. And I think I shed badly. I can’t imagine the amount of blond hair strewn all over their bathroom. Eeek.

I’m still trying to figure out when they film these “goodbye” videos and I have noticed that The Chosen Eunuch says the same thing each time. And Brooke just used the word “gigundo.” Someone please help me.

So, uh, who liked her version of 8 Days a Week? Now if she was supposed to be booted any week, it really should have been the first one. That’s why I would have been fine if she stuck through this week. Oh, jesus. She just said how she loved that tie-dyed audition shirt. That shirt…well, that shirt was vintage Contempo Casuals or Rave, that’s all I’m gonna say.

Since this interview with Kristy Lee had gone on way too long, I have now been forced to notice her tank top features shamrocks that almost look strategically placed upon the nipples.

Interesting, so it is true she tried out in San Diego and DID NOT MAKE IT. So, uh, who did she blow the second time around? Or was selling the horse just the sympathy story to get her to Hollywood that time around? More tie-dyed shirt. That shirt needs to be burned.

Alas, its time to say goodbye to Kristy Lee, but I will give her this: She will always be better than Kellie Pickler. For instance, I would rather be forced to bathe with a bar of soap laden with tiny curly black hairs than see or listen to Kellie Pickler. I don’t know if I would go as far as to say this bar of soap could be laden with the curly black nether-region hairs of The Sultan of Swarm, but…I’m just saying, Kellie Pickler is reason enough for this entire show to be canceled.

Yay! Bo Bice! I love Bo Bice. Curiously, Bo and Anwar wanted to play instruments during their season. Honestly, I give Bo credit for paving the way for Taylor Hicks, as well as David Cook and Jason Castro. He finally proved that people don’t just want to hear diva ballads and shit R&B. Bo is truly an authentic throwback to 1970s Southern Rock, which is cool, because there really isn’t a lot of that going on today. There are always some Southern Rock tunes a person likes, regardless of what kind of music genre you claim is your favorite.

No. No. No. The Sultan of Smarm returns. He’s color-coordinated with Gina No-Neck. My friend, Phil, claims I liked the Sultan of Smarm that season. I did. Up until the live shows. I liked him during the audition rounds, but once he got on the Idol stage, he began to grate on me more each week, and I felt myself needing to bathe more often than not immediately following an episode.

Ah, behind the scenes Idol commercial scenes. This still reminds me of the Sexual Harassment and You video. Oh, let’s just go kill Brooke. Jason Castro just wants to smoke a joint on the beach, hopefully with his guitar and Jack Johnson. And I am willing to bet Michael Johns collaborates on David Cook’s album, just as Ace Young did on Daughtry’s debut release.

Now up is the Bo Bice performance. I would totally pay $25 to see him play in a small venue. He makes me want to drink a bottle of Bud, but not in a bad way. I can’t say that about many people. I just want to see him perform in a semi-honky-tonk bar with a limited beer selection and a bunch of Harleys parked outside. Yeah. I still think Bo Bice was robbed that season, even though Carrie Farmbot has sold a zillion albums.


Yes, Eunuch David, of course we know you were embarrassed when you forgot the lyrics to We Can Work It Out.

Oh, Supermercado, I am starting to like you even less because you are blabbing on about worrying your hair is too frizzy.

Wholesome Hemmeroids! Why is your embarrassing moment when you twirled & whooed during Here Comes The Sun? Uh, how about being embarrassed EVERY TIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH TO SPEAK.

Kristy Lee, I did not even notice your embarrassing moment, mainly b/c I tend to hang my head in shame during group sings.

Carly, it was embarrassing to meet Heart? Uh, ok. You said you were a goon.

David Cook, nice shoutout to Tom Jones and well, it takes a strong man to admit to wearing heeled boots.

And Jason Castro doesn’t remember if he had an embarrassing moment. That’s why I love him. And I just really want him to sing Steve Miller’s The Joker. Just because he can then admit to being a “midnight toker.”

Christ, that was painful. But points for minimal Sultan of Smarm, if only because he was backstage groping Paula.

NOTE: A very special thanks to SkyFlake for HIS incredible Photoshop talents!

5 Comments leave one →
  1. April 21, 2008 3:33 am

    Oh well, at least you all will go to hell.

  2. topidol permalink
    April 20, 2008 12:38 pm

    Funny, I’ve never found Kellie Pickler attractive, and as soon as she cut her hair, yikes. With that hairstyle, she looked much older than she really is, and then she went and got that plastic surgery…yikes…

    Yeah, The Sultan of Smarm’s Superhero Power is the Chalymidia Stare.

  3. April 20, 2008 12:33 pm

    This is really interesting and made me LOL in a few spots as well. I have to say that the “sultan of Smarm” gave me the creeps every time he looked at the camera with that ooky “I’m going to rape you” look during his songs when he was a contestant. I did like him on the audtion phase as well. But once he got in the top 10 he creeped me out! And Kellie Pickler is good in the country genre side of things…but realistically she got as far as she got because of her looks and her ummmm shall we call it “charm”? There is no denying that Carrie Underwood has talent and chose her musical area well and stuck to it as did daughtry and bo bice. Oh and….what ever happened to “the velvet teddy bear?”

  4. Heather permalink
    April 20, 2008 11:56 am

    just fyi, skyflake is a dude

  5. Roar permalink
    April 19, 2008 3:53 pm

    But but Kellie Pickler turned down Sultan of Smarm and he is MAD about it, so that makes me love her. You can have the pube soap.

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