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America Idol Extra: Light on the Grease, Heavy on the Nonsense

April 26, 2008

Any respectable outlet covering American Idol after Wednesday’s results show mourns the loss of Carly Smithson, the contestant who somehow became likable despite taking things too seriously at times and sometimes appearing desperate to achieve the stardom promised to her since she was a wee barin. Like the hardworking long-time employee always passed up for the promotion in favor of a flashy new kid with less experience, skills and overall creativity, Carly was sent back to her cubicle while the executives continue to groom Eunuch for the corner office. David Cook’s not gonna get the big Idol promotion, but he’s already guaranteed a better job & bigger salary elsewhere. But if American Idol were a microcosm for corporate hell, why oh why haven’t we given Brooke her goodbye cake yet for quitting to be a stay-at-home mom?

Idolator rues Carly’s early exit after such a strong performance, as does EW’s Michael Slezak, who grew to like the semi-plucky-but-not-quite-sure-if-she-was-spunky Irish lass, too.

As for American Idol Extra this week, I grew bored rather quickly. Same old, same old. Coke couch, here comes Carly’s family (MILFy-In-President-Roslin-Way mom, sister and tattooed husband), Alison Janney is once again in the audience, Ultra Tan ‘n’ Greasy Constantine and that Gina chick interviewed people…

Ok, so um, I actually hold an advanced degree in journalism, print journalism, yes, but I still had to learn a few broadcast journalism things and the Sultan of Swarm, well, let me just put it this way: He is a shit reporter. Perhaps it is the constant nodding. Sure, affirmative body language should be used during the interview process, but let’s try a little moderation. The frequency in which his head bobs up and down, coupled with the smarmy grin, brings to mind a pilled-out-of-their-skull E-tard, in a cheesy club circa 2000, who considers himself an affecianado of dance music because he loves Eiffel 65’s Blue.

But this episode of American Idol Extra was kind of okay because Michael Johns showed up. I like to think of Michael Johns, as well as Ace Young, as the Anti-Greaseballs. Like the Sultan of Smarm, they’ve all be touted as the “heartthrobs” of their respective seasons, but Ace Young and Michael Johns both appear to be affable guys who you could have a beer with. I suppose one could get a drink with Greasy Constantine, too, but its not like you could ever feel comfortable leaving your drink at the table if you got up to use the restroom.

Luckily, this week on AI Extra was almost Grease-free. They even let that Gina girl sing just so they could minimize the Chalmydia Stares and groping. The producers are totally listening to me, I just know it!

At the end of the episode, we learn things about the Idol contestants we didn’t know! Yes, OMG, the Eunuch is TICKLISH! Syesha loves CHOCOLATE! D-Cook reads COSMO in case he gets a lady because he is SINGLE! Mormon Brooke only BARGAIN SHOPS! While I did get a semi-kick out of learning Stoner J likes driving fast and maybe even racing cars, that was all pretty useless information. (Unless, perhaps, I was a swooning tween who goes to sleep fantasizing about tickling the Eunuch or something…)

Is American Idol over yet?

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Erika permalink
    April 27, 2008 7:35 pm

    Why do you refer to David Archuleta as “the eunuch”? Really…can’t you find anything kind to say about him? There are literally millions and millions of people voting every week for David Archuleta. He is genuinely a lovely guy with enormous talent.

  2. Dusty Rose permalink
    April 27, 2008 2:56 am

    But did Constantine do that thing where he bunches his eyebrows together and squints really hard so that we know for sure how serious he is being, since he does seem to have enough self-awareness to know that the only thing come out of his mouth is the equivalent to projectile Hershey Squirts after a long night drinking in a Tijuana cafe?

    Was he self-deprecating and humble like his good Greek Mommy taught him? Do you think we could get someone to ask him why none of the children in his family are married or have children?

    Do you think Pen and Carpe have ever had him over and done him on their velour sofa of love?

    DAMMIT PEOPLE. If the Walking Ejaculation is going to be on TV, let’s get something GOOD out of him besides the joy of staring at his quickly receding hairline! PLEASE!

  3. anon permalink
    April 27, 2008 12:45 am

    Well,, we dig Constantine at

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