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American Idol Top 5: So many songs sung blue

April 29, 2008

Let’s begin the night by praising Xenu!!! Praise Xenu!! Whoo hoo to my inner thetan! She’s a spunky little gal, but entirely thetan-licious! (Especially after a good meal and several drinks, then she’s all about being CLEAR. And she will remove her shoes before she jumps up and down on your couch!)

Too tired to even laugh at Ryan’s ridiculous opening bit about the pressure being too great for some. Or the way, when he had the Idols come out on stage, announcing them as “Your Top 5 Friends” in a borderline Harvey Feinstein voice.

Whew. Its good to see Neil Diamond has not been using the same plastic surgeon as Kenny Rogers because even with a little Botox, I can still tell that I’m looking at Neil Diamond. When Kenny Rogers showed up to Idol that one time, it was so obvious he didn’t know when to fold them at the doctor’s office.

Stoner J
First of all, even if they are doing 2 doings, I don’t like his opening spot placement. But I think his voice and laidback stoner persona lends itself well to Diamond’s music.
Forever in Blue Jeans

A little underwhelming from Stoner J. It’s not bad, but there is something missing from the arrangement. He sped up the final verse a bit? I almost feel as if he knows how ridiculous the show has gotten and is just like, “they’re never gonna let me get close to winning and I’m smoking way too much hash these days because it’s the only way I can take spending so much time with Mormon Brooke.”

David Smirk
Regardless of what he sings tonight, I can’t really see anything happening to him except getting in the final two. His hair is looking a bit scary again, though. I sooo thought that was under control.
I’m Alive
Not a huge stretch from the original, but infused with David’s Davidness, so it’s a little more rockerly. The arrangement just sped it up a bit, in all actuality, yet it all felt a bit flat and rushed. It didn’t really connect?
Perhaps the two songs each format sucks because its over with so fast as song time has been reduced, once again, to under 2 minutes.

Wholesome Hemmoroids
Thank you, Neil Diamond, for sweetly “suggesting” Mormon Brooke should NOT sing “New York born and raised.” Mormon Brooke being born and raised in NYC is as likely as me being, well, a scientologist.
I’m a Believer
Uh…wasn’t she supposed to be singing her other one? Oh Christ, this is absolutely HORRIBLE. Paula is only up dancing because she confused the uppers with the downers the last time she popped one with her Coke. Oh, that was just so wrong. I am sure Neil Diamond is cringing right now, as are the Monkees. Hell, even Smashmouth has grounds to be pissed after that performance.

(Oh Xenu, please take me away to that planet you live on.)

The Chosen Eunuch
I am soooo not looking forward to hearing him sing Diamond’s arguably two most recognizable songs.
Sweet Caroline

Oh sweet Xenu, this song does not bode well to being shortened into Disney-fied pop. Is he mumbling some more words. This was only chosen so tweens will scream. And then he will be told he “stretched himself” by not singing ballads.

Supermercado

Two songs = Mini Concert, according to Ms. Syesha. Wow, Neil seems more pleased with her than the previous contestants. And she looks lovely with her hair down.
Hello Again
Uh, stop the frakking hand waving. This is ridiculous. Interesting, this is the second time I’ve seen her perform barefoot. Pleasant sounding, but utterly forgettable.


JUDGES
Randy: Eunuch is not THE BOMB. Sweet Xenu, please stop this nonsense.
Paula: OMG, She made notes on BOTH SONGS. WHEN THEY HAVE ONLY SANG ONE. OMG. This is amazing. OMG. This was just incredible. And she says “This is difficult.” While she tried to ad lib, she was clearly talking about BOTH of Jason’s performances. So the judges don’t even write what they’re say, huh? Is that what you’re telling me? This is just…wow. Best moment of the show. And AI wonders why its ratings are down? And they don’t want us to suspect this show might be uh, fixed?
Simon: Thank you, Simon, for speaking THE TRUTH. On every single one of them. Eunuch was not DA BOMB. He was Amateurish. And Brooke’s I’m A Believer was a trainwreck on par with Kristy Lee Cook’s 8 Days A Week.

(Bless those thetans. They are enturbulating these Idol people tonight!)

Round 2

(I am starting to feel like Rocky when he knows he needs to throw in the towel during Apollo’s match with Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, but he doesn’t, and then Apollo dies. That’s kind of how I feel while getting ready to watch this next set. Then I’m gonna live with a shitload of guilt because I didn’t stop this travesty, so I then must kick Ivan’s commie ass back to Stalingrad. Which doesn’t really help in the end, because I’ve had the shit kicked out of me and my drunken uncle mismanaged my finances so I end up back working in a pet food store. So it’s really just a no-win situation at this point.)

Stoner J
September Morn
Will someone cut off the arms of the people in the mosh pit, or at least keep the UCLA sororities out of the theatre? These may be my least 2 favorite Castro performances of the entire season, but I think, and understandably so, that he’s just had it with the whole charade since Carly was unceremoniously booted last week. Oh, and the whole thing about being judged on his second song before performing it.
Note To Simon: Of course he doesn’t recognize who he is…he would be singing some Ray LaMontagne or something, if they were allowed to sing anything before 1982. It’s not just Stoner J who is “underperforming”, its ALL OF THEM.

David Smirk
All I Really Need Is You
Better than I’m Alive, but still lacks the power of most of his earlier performances. I would go so far as to say this is the best of the evening. Paula may say she’s looking at the American Idol. Doubt that he will win, but he will be more successful than the Chosen Eunuch Winner. And that makes me feel kind of better, but I still do not appreciate the blatant pimping going down in this competition.

Wholesome Hemmoroids
I Am…I Said
With the lyric change, I think this makes a wonderful swan song for Mormon Brooke. She wants to go home. She is lost out in LA. Although I think if someone exposed her to drugs for a few weeks, she may emerge with a Stevie Nicks quality to her voice. Nah, just wishful thinking. While this was BETTER than that previous shit show, its still Mormon Brooke. Maybe “vulnerability” will keep her around for another week, which will also make me hate her more, mainly because my vulnerabilities never do much for me.

Chosen Eunuch
America
Unfeeling. Uninspired. But if you sing about American pride on American Idol, you’ll always do okay. Even if you suck. Nice to see they can re-use the American flag graphic from Kristy Lee’s birth year performance.
Randy: QUIT RIDING THE EUNUCH’S LONE NUTSACK
Paula: Savant typically refers to an Idiot. Just saying. Like RAINMAN…Yup, his fashion choices say it all.
(Shit. If I owned a Zune, I would not be able to download any of these songs. I blame Xenu!! Or I would, If I was a Zune owner. But I wasn’t dumb enough to buy one of those silly little things. Does Xenu own a Zune, you know, because it kind of sounds like his name?)

Supermercado
Thank God for the Nighttime
It’s good to see Syesha is now playing up the musical theatre-ness. In fact, her best friend (I think she mentioned him once on the show) is a student up here at the New England Conservatory and my buddy, Austin, is friends with him. (This is not a I-know-someone-who-knows-someone blah-blah-blah comment, its more me saying that Syesha definitely comes from a musical theater background and will probably continue in that direction.) Syesha will do very well on Broadway. While she probably is not going to Broadway tomorrow, it is inevitable. Paula is big on the vulnerability tonight. I think Paula gets called out her vulnerability a lot, particularly when in line at CVS to get her prescriptions filled. Which is all good, because Paula knows it would be no fun to be a scientologist.

Thank frakking Xenu that shit is over. That is an hour of my life I WILL NEVER EVER GET BACK. EVER. EVERY COPY OF THIS SHOW SHOULD BE BURNED, BANNED FROM YOUTUBE, ET AL.

Neil Diamond, I do love you, but please don’t let those Idol kids ever touch your songs ever again. That was truly one of those things only good in theory, like Tequilia, Norah Jones, Arena Football and Lifetime Television for Women.

Bottom 2: Syesha, Stoner J
Going Home: Syesha

Oh, how I wish it would be Brooke and not Stoner J, I do worry that his time with us is coming to a close, yet somehow, I think he may be okay with it. Which is why I may even like him more. But if he goes home tonight…well, then this show may just have even more explaining to do.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. UnitsGal permalink
    April 30, 2008 1:43 pm

    my jaw dropped with the paula fuck up. and instantly started to wonder if they had taped in advance or what. so weird!!!! i started getting my jewish up with brooke’s I am I said. the song makes NO SENSE when you change the lyrics to Arizona… they are both warm with palm trees and certainly not coast to coast. i think she’ll go home not syesha or stoner j. although his songs were pretty awful too.

  2. TopIdol permalink
    April 30, 2008 1:28 am

    I didn’t really say anything “great” about Syesha or Stoner J. I just like Stoner J, but his performances did nothing for me tonight. In all actuality, none of them did anything for me. It was akin to having sex with “machinery” while the batteries are dying. You just kind of trudge through it for a little while before realizing that the problem is not you, but the lack of battery power. Make sense?

  3. Pinky permalink
    April 30, 2008 1:00 am

    ok, this paula thing needs serious discussion. did she really just fuck up a major secret of the show? are the notes based on the rehearsals?

    BTW, I still hate fucking Brooke but her second song wasn’t horrible. I’m sorry Top Idol, but Syesha is just awful too, as was Stoner J. The only decent one this week was David Cook. I think Idol needs to take a break next year. These people is the best they can get??

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