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American Idol Top 5 Elimination: Scandal, Smarm and Simon’s First Kiss

April 30, 2008

Why Paula almost looks demure, those puppies placed away so she looks all innocent in the wake of last night’s big ol’ frak up. Kristy Lee Cook is in the audience, wearing one of her trademark horse tank tops.

These people cannot harmonize and the Eunuch creeps me out when he looks into the camera. If I was more…wait. I have Tivo. And I don’t blame this on the “odd” number of 5.

Close Up Individual Shots During Diamond Medley Disaster

Eunuch
8

Stoner J
1

David Cook
4

Syesha
4

Mormon Brooke
2

(Also notice the placement of the Eunuch in the center stage)

I rest my case.

NO NO NO! SULTAN OF SWARM and the Gina Chick are promoting American Idol Extra. YES! NO NO NO Chalymidia Stare ON COMMAND!!! And his shirt not only sparkles but I think there are only two buttons done. Oh, and Ace Young is sitting in front of him. Talk to Ace Young, damnit. He’s hotter and doesn’t emit VD with his eyes. Oh, and Ace Young totally got better seats than Greasy, which says something, right?

Ryan semi-addresses the “rumors” about Paula’s lucidity. Hell, everyone knows she’s not lucid, but that still doesn’t excuse the major frakking up which still at least, proves to me the show is rigged.

YAY! Stoner J is safe! I mean, if he was not safe would have been a lot more explaining to do, right? EXACTLY.

Oh yes, let’s bring out the Eunuch. Why don’t they just have him sitting out on the sofa waiting for everybody else at the beginning of each results show at this point. The pimping of this kid is so ridiculous.

Oh, Paula is back on script. And talking about separate performances. Yeah, whatever. The kid is safe. Don’t know why the hell he is acting surprised. Come on. (Who is the flamenco chick? His sister?)

What is this dancing stuff, that So You Think You Can Dance show? My niece should try out just to see her first 2 years of an overpriced private college as a dance major is worth it. I don’t think watching people dance is as fun as watching people sing, even though dancing can be kind of cool. But…I most likely won’t be watching such shite.

WHAT? Design your own Coca Cola cup?

Man oh man, I so hope Mormon Brooke is gonna bite it tonight. D-Cook, honey, keep reining back in the hair. Gee? He’s safe? I had no idea. Wow. So suspenseful, Brooke and Syesha in the final 2. I do not like Syesha’s dress, does nothing for her body and the slanted angle of the hemline isn’t really working for me.

So you think they’re actually doing live performances tonight? Doubt it, but guess you have to give them some credit for making it look real by showing Brooke and Syesha go to the couch. Alas, contestant placement has changed during the commercial break.

This Natasha Bedingfield song is kind of good. Kind of good in the way that if I hear it much more, I know I’m going to hate it. Or love it. I can’t tell. You know songs like that, there’s just something you can’t quite put your finger on but it could go either way.

Bad! Bad Natasha Bedingfield! You went to stroke the Eunuch! Nigel Lythgoe totally put her up to that, it was part of the deal with performing. Funny ha ha, making prom jokes with the teenager.

Oh damn, I soooo thought that the whole Q&A thing was OVER. I’m kind of feeling sorry for Paula tonight, like she does add something to the show and its kind of good she is there, not only when she’s messed up on unknown substances, but because her positive comments are kind of needed on this shit show, even if they somehow come out incoherently. AND she just made fun of that whole MC Scat Cat thing. Ironically, Paula is really playing the whole vulnerability card tonight. And its soooo working.

Ok. So we’re now talking to the chick who was Simon’s first kiss. This is fabulous. They’re really pulling out all stops tonight to earn back public support. Tara Miller…Simon’s first kiss…at the bottom of the garden! How very BRITISH!

Who is the crazy Botox-ed blonde chick sitting behind Paula?

FORD COMMERCIAL TIME

Holy frakking Xenu. They just had plants grow up around the Eunuch. Now plants grew around everyone else, but they were all partnered off…I’m just saying, maybe odd numbered weeks makes it more obvious, the blatant pimping, but why not have Stoner J have a “solo” commercial spot? Last week, who played the cartoonist?? The Eunuch.

Once again I am thankful Neil Diamond does not use Kenny Rogers’ plastic surgeon, but he is singing some song about Amazing Grace. I think he’s talking about love…but you know, Amazing Grace sort of makes me think of Jesus and shit. This could totally be about love of Christ, or the “doorway of your chapel” is just romantic coding for “cooter.”

I think I may have to see Neil Diamond play Fenway this summer. It’s not a far walk, plus, I can also just sit on my kitchen floor and hear most of it. It is a rather appropriate concert choice, seeing as Sweet Caroline is the ubiquitous song of the Boston Red Sox. OH WOW. MOMMA DIAMOND! MOMMA DIAMOND is in the house. I like Neil Diamond. He seems like a pretty decent guy, even when all those Idol contestants wrecked most of his songs. What a gracious man.

Ok. Let’s hurry this shit show up and send Mormon Brooke home. She’s already crying! Sweet! YES! YES! YES!

Whoa. Her husband is kind of hot. That happens a lot with Mormons. For some reason, you can find some attractive Mormons, but I swear its b/c they use selective breeding tactics. But they get engaged during freshman year at Brigham Young University so it’s all sort of pointless. But the hot ones get paired off with hot ones during that stage and then they kind of mate for life or something. Like lobsters, but with magical underpants.

Bye bye, Brooke! It was real. It was good. But it wasn’t real good. But you were kind of like that carton of milk in my fridge. Kept around too long after the point of expiration.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. TopIdol permalink
    May 1, 2008 1:02 pm

    You have no idea how difficult it was for me not to call you and blurt out the news, Pinky, you have absolutely no idea.

    I bet she’s still crying in her magical underpants.

  2. pinky permalink
    May 1, 2008 12:52 pm

    Didn’t you LOVE blubbering Brooke. Bye bye! Good times are here to stay.

  3. UnitsGal permalink
    May 1, 2008 12:44 pm

    This show made me oh so much more excited to see Neil in concert this summer!!!! YEAH for Neil Diamond! YEAH for Brooke going home! YEAH for the worst send off sing ever!

  4. whiskers permalink
    May 1, 2008 8:40 am

    I thought Neil looked pretty good. He did have a wonky eye.

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