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American Idol Top 4: Jason Castro Will Die For Your Sins

May 6, 2008

Today I had to go to an offsite work meeting. They all made it sound very important. My boss made sure I had a notebook. Turned out it was all some sort of ruse they sometimes pull for going out and drinking. Which is all well and good, except when you’re working in the suburbs. Don’t worry. I kept it to a minimum because I had to drive home, however, it obviously meant I needed to pour myself a drink for tonight’s Idol festivities.

Which was probably a good thing, considering it completely sucked and Jason Castro decided to martyr himself in order to save his soul.

Anyway…

Was that the Eliot Spitzer call girl who got the close-up in the audience?

Jesus, why the frak does Randy wear such ridiculous frakking shirts? Someone take the Bedazzler away STAT!

Oh shit. Luke Menard is in the house!! Quick. Who remembers who Luke Menard is? Don’t recall? The guy who made the semi-finals and was kind of sort of somewhat cute until he sang Wham’s Wake Me Up (Before You Go Go) , thereby committing figurative self-castration in front over millions of television viewers and a live studio audience.

D-Cook
Hungry Like The Wolf

Ok. Still wanted him to do Sweet Dreams but whatever, no one asked for my opinion. And you know what? The song isn’t over yet, but honestly, I think it actually kind of…sucks. That was by far his weakest performance to date, and I think the terseness of the song had something to do with it, however, it still sucked. Granted, him sucking is better than the Eunuch any day, but that performance kind of uh, blew. Even if his hair looks better than usual, the song and performance still sucked.

(If the Eunuch even goes 4th and 8th I’m calling bullshit once again. Better be Stoner J, considering all that crap from last week.)

Oh, Syesha, you talking about your supposed fans was completely insincere. A few months ago, I so wanted to like you. Yes, you are very pretty and I really, really, really wanted to like you. But I don’t. And it’s way too late for me to like you. You’re trying way too hard to try and get me to like you right now. Sorry, but your attempts are just well, insincere.

Supermercado
Proud Mary

Because this song has been covered way too much, as well as used as a tryout song on this show way too often, it’s a ridiculous choice. And you know she is gonna sing it as is. Sure, she sounds ok and her twirl was better than that half-assed thing Mormon Brooke did during Here Comes The Sun, but Syesha Mercado, you’re no Tina Turner. You’re not even Beyonce’s younger sister. And as far as fashion commentary goes, sequined dresses can be real cute and fun, but she should have gone a size smaller. Takes away from the whole look.

(Great. The Eunuch is going LAST. How often has he gone last during this bullshit competition?)

Stoner J
I Shot The Sheriff

Still think he should have done Legalize It, but I liked his “go figure” when saying he was he doing a Bob Marley song. I am always gonna like this guy. Just can’t help it. And right now, he’s blowing the rest away. Though I think he may have been kind of uh, off at the end? The sax player looked confused. Randy, whatever. It wasn’t bad. I thought he did good. Compared to the other songs so far? Uh, yeah, he did better. Whatever. I liked it. Except for the ending, I thought he was fine. Am I deaf? No. I liked it. No, really, was it that bad? Love his answer to Simon’s commentary. This guy does not care if he goes home. This guy does not care and I absolutely love it. Whatever, they just want him to go home because Syesha doesn’t have a chance to crack the Top 2 and then it won’t “look like” this whole thing is fixed.

Eunuch
Stand By Me

CAN SOMEONE SHOOT THIS KID? OR AT LEAST INTRODUCE HIM TO UH, LIFE IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD? He’s one step up from one of those poor Austrian children kept in their father/grandfather’s dungeon. Yeah. The vocals are fine, but I just kind of hate his voice. It was probably better than most of his other performances, but it doesn’t even matter. Let’s just watch Randy rub his nutsack while he smiles with Tom Cruise zombie-like fauxness. Paula, how is he way “beyond his years?” He’s grown up in a figurative dungeon with stage parents and Joseph Smith?? Oh stop your stupid humble “thank yous”, little Archie. You’re a goddamned robot. You need to smoke some of Castro’s hasish and live a little.

(I swear the singing order is done to set up the “big scare” for D-Cook. Seems pretty obvious, right?)

D-Cook
Baba O’Reilly

This had better be an improvement over his Hungry Like A Wolf. Seriously. Because that just kind of blew. Hmmm, think its better, but I am also starting to think I like when D-Cook rockisizes pop songs more so than when he performs rock, but this isn’t bad, HOWEVER, the song length kept him from doing something cool with the song. It’s too epic a song to condense into under 2 minutes. This was definitely his weakest night of the competition. It was ok, but it wasn’t great. It wasn’t at all special.

Supermercado
A Change Is Gonna Come

Yes, Syesha, I am always going to equate the importance of the civil rights movement with the importance of American Idol in your life. I know you’re totally fighting to stand strong in the middle of a bunch of white men, but sweetie, it just ain’t the same. Nice to see you’ve followed my advice about just showing off the ta-tas when things are on the line (a girl should give it what they got when the chips are falling), but you’re just BORING. BORING. BORING. BORING. Awww, I did think it was sweet how Carly stood up and applauded for her, granted, she should be up there tonight. Paula spoke and now Syesha is crying, gee, you just figured out humanity makes you look more endearing? Although I do buy your tears a bit more than anything the Eunuch does and while that was a boring performance, she still sang well. Randy just wants to make the Eunuch his cabana boy. While I still don’t equate American Idol with the Civil Rights movement, she has probably done enough to play into the producers’ evil plans.

(This show frakking sucks.)

Stoner J
Mr. Tambourine Man

This guy just does not care. Hell, he even kind of said he wants to go home. I probably would too if I was set up to fail each and every week while the supposed judges told some sheltered eunuch how much they wanted to ride his sack. And listen to the song. I don’t even blame him if he blazed up beforehand and said frak you, frak you, frak you, you’re cool, and frak you, I’m out. He forgot some lyrics. He’s blazed up. He doesn’t want to be there anymore. And frankly, I think he’s going out with a bang. You gotta give him credit. He’s doing it on his terms. And yeah, I love him for it. I may even have more respect for him after tonight. He doesn’t want to play the Idol reindeer games anymore. Syesha gets to pretend she’s gonna win for one more week b/c she wants to play the game. And you don’t want to play the game anymore. Here’s to you Stoner, J, here’s to you. Frak you, frak you, frak you, you’re cool, and frak you, he’s out. (Although I, personally, really hope you live to blaze up before singing on national TV for at least one more week.)

Eunuch
Love Me Tender

Oh good little Eunuch, you read up on Elvis fun facts because just like The Beatles, you weren’t really familiar with Elvis’ music. Which should basically prevent you from ever having a singing career as far as I’m concerned because you lack proper musical education and it’s already too late for you. And I really want to know why you talk kind of like Vito Corleone, granted a young, closeted Mormon version of Vito Corleone, but its still creepy all the same. Jesus Christ, I just heard Randy use the words tender and caress when talking to this kid. I think I’m gonna vomit, although I take comfort in the knowledge that some astute federal agent may have been watching tonight and decided it may be a good idea to start tracking Randy’s web habits.

Bottom 2:
Stoner J and D-Cook (Big Scare! Big Scare!)
Going Home: Stoner J
Godspeed, my sweet Stoner J, godspeed. You have finally found redemption. Now, for the love of everything beautiful and un-holy, blaze it the frak up.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. pinky permalink
    May 8, 2008 12:18 am

    It’s funny because during the results show they all sang and I was like “they all have very good voices, why the fuck do they make such stupid song choices?” At what point do we find out that Stoner J and Paula had a special room to get high together before the show. They just used different substances.

  2. UnitsGal permalink
    May 7, 2008 12:15 pm

    Funny you should say that Jason found redemption, his whole performance UnitsGuy kept screaming at the TV, “You should have done REDEMPTION SONG!!!!” And we both gasped when he forgot the lyrics to Tambourine Man. But honestly there are a lot of lyrics in that song, even the chorus changes verse to verse. I thought Syesha looked gorgeous in her boobalific dress. Did anyone else experience a weird balance thing during David Cook’s performances? At least on our TV the balance between his vocals and the band was all sorts of off, he was really loud and we could barely hear the band made both songs sound REALLY bad.

  3. Magnum permalink
    May 7, 2008 12:16 am

    Oh man, I feel so robbed. Syesha’s boobs were on full parade and the camera guys were totally cutting her off at the neck. No seriously, it was a little bizarre and way too obvious.

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