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American Idol Extra: Stoner J Still Rules, Greasy Constantine Still Ogles Paula’s Cleavage

May 8, 2008

Ugh…another episode of American Idol Extra with JD Roberto, the poor-man’s Seacrest who might actually be wearing pleather tonight. However, I am definitely watching tonight for some Stoner J interview-ness.

Randy pretends to like Jason and Jason pretends that he “mentally hit a wall” and was surprised he made it this far. Simon can’t get away fast enough and Randy musters up enough gumption to say he really loved Hallalujah…so basically saying he’s hated everything since the last week of the semifinals.

Stoner J is a nice guy, and he’s still under contract, so he’s not going to say that he just could not take the lie he was living. He says the pressure got to him, just as the thought of learning THREE WHOLE SONGS. Come on, even though he was a drummer before a singer, I cannot imagine learning 3 songs is that daunting a task (especially if you are picking one of them AND have a week to work on the other 2). My ex sang in a band and he could easily learn a ton of songs even while smoking his first bowl on the way to work every single day. Just saying…Still, Stoner J’s comments about being sent home just prove that he is all about class and sincerity as much as he is about having fun.

Not going to watch performance recaps yet again, but caught part of D-Cook’s Hungry Like The Wolf. Would definitely have to say that was his lowpoint of the season. Could have sworn I was watching a cover band in any shit bar, any place in this country. Fast forward…

Jesus Christ. The Sultan of Smarm manages to get greasier and smarmier with each passing week. He keep hitting the Mystic Tan and is a shade more orange than the last time I saw his smarmy head…and two-thirds of chest. Since Chalmydia Stare does not like to button his shirts more than oh, twice, or three times at the most, the viewer is forced to stare at his greasy chest hairs against an coral-colored background and nestled somewhere in between a crushed pink silk shirt and oversized silver chain.

Tonight, Greasy Constantine gets to interview REAL BIG CELEBRITIES! Between him and Gina, I wonder who gets the BIGGER CELEBRITIES. Let’s tally this one up…the “star power” seems to diminish week by week…Gina talks to Wade Williams, who apparently stars in Prison Break. They both love The Rolling Stones. I love The Stones, too, but you people are boring me…

Walking VD talks to Jamie Lyn Sigler (The Sopranos’ Meadow), Holly Huddleston (Sunset Tan…quite possibly the most inane show to ever be aired on televison INCLUDING cable access stations. Holly is one of two “Olly Girls”, Holly or Molly or something…get it, the OLLY girls…one of them acted as a Seacrest beard fairly recently.) Walking VD looks as if he’s trying to hit on Holly, who says she doesn’t sing but is “recording a hook and chorus” tomorrow.

NOTE TO SELF: Always remember to never spend more than a week in LA or head will implode.

Now on the gratuitous Coke Couch with JD Pleather, joined by Stoner J’s mother Betsy and brother Michael.

Key points:

  • Stoner J’s family dragged him out of bed to audition. He had only sung a few times before so was reluctant to go. While at the auditions, he put a big band aid over the audition bracelet because he was embarrassed, since he was “a drummer in a rock band”.
  • They did not have cable at their duplex. They only received 4 channels, one of which was Fox, so they watched American Idol for lack of better options. I guess last year, Stoner J told brother Michael that he was going to try out
  • Jason comes out. I think he has already and RIGHTFULLY blazed up. Ever the gracious and classy fella, Jason says his brother sings better than him

More “backstage interviews.” Gina is now interviewing some guy from the WWE, Howie Mandel and someone from the now-canceled Las Vegas.

Walking VD is taking real close to Paula, smiling smarmily while talking about “forgetting the words” and blatantly leering ominously at her cleavage while licking his lips. Then he talks to Adam Levine for a second, but it wasn’t nearly as creepy as when he was ogling Paula, especially because part of me thinks Paula would totally do it…You know he would ask her to call him The Mighty Duck and to compare his skills to Emilio Estevez’s sexual prowess. He would purr something like, I can make you quack, baby…

JD Pleather’s One-on-One with Stoner J

Stoner J decided he wanted dreads during his senior year in high school. It took 14 hours, but his mother helped him make his dreads after they looked up the information on the internet. Awesome.

Contestants’ personal goodbye messages show lots of DEPTH:

D-Cook
To eyelashes, its been an absolute pleasure having you as a roommate. I’m sorry to see you go. (EYELASHES???)
Eunuch
Jason, you are just really goofy. And laid back. You’re still a really smart guy.
Coretta Scott Mercado
You are so relaxed and calm and I must say you’ve brushed off on me a little bit
Eunuch
It’s funny how you’re always trying to find time to sleep during the day
Coretta Scott Mercado
Keep smiling, and keep that cool vibe that you have, you’re awesome.
D-Cook
Keep rocking that ukeulele and looking forward to the tour

Carly says Stoner J wears a bathrobe all the time. He admits to “not getting dressed unless he has to.” What can you say? The dude abides.

Stoner J found the beads while growing his dreads and has thrown them in, aw well as a gold ring is in there from his girlfriend, as is a peace sign from last weekend in Vegas. He’s talking about his girlfriend now and it’s all very genuine and cute. This guy is just so…himself. Thinks he’s a chronic yawner. Said he loved Wednesday because they’re so relaxed and he just has to sing a goofy song on stage, which he will “never do again.”

This guy just talks completely off the cuff, it’s great.

Now Stoner J is sitting with Debra Byrd, the main Idol vocal coach and arranger. Personally, I think they only brought her out with him because she, too, has dreads. Byrd seems like a very nice lady. Says she can’t tell someone their song choice sucks. Explains a bit of the arranging process…I wonder how much a part of the Idol machine she is because I don’t want to believe she is in on all the covert fixing. She’s like the love child of Debbie Allen and S. Epatha Merkerson.

Peace out…Stoner J, now we’re off to the Idol Extra Lounge…

LaKisha Jones in the Idol Extra Lounge. The Idol Extra Lounge cracks me up. It’s like the side stage the people who aren’t big enough for the main stage are allowed to play on, or even during the side show for the actual show. Pretty funny, right? And JD Pleather is now JD Corduroy, making it obvious that it was taped before the real side show. I don’t know anything about LaKisha Jones, but apparently, she’s a mother, came in 4th and appeared in The Color Purple on Broadway. She has an album coming out, mostly R&B Soul but with some Inspiration because she “loves the lord” and its going back to her church-singing roots. I can’t tell if this is a Lord song or not, but it might be, and they just edited part of it quite obviously. They keyboardist is absolutely hilarious. Like, the way he sways and gets into it all, its quite amusing. Ok…that song sucked but the keyboardist was a trip.

Carly’s Here! Let’s See How She’s Been….

JD Pleather is back! With Carly! Miss you, Carly Smithson, miss you. She talks about going to NY to do press, being mobbed in Times Square and reading fan mail. I bet Coretta Scott Mercado could go to Times Square wearing a sandwich board saying Coretta Scott Mercado and would still not be mobbed. Just saying…

Bo Bice Alert!

Bo Bice is back with JD Pleather. Think this is the second time I’ve seen him on here, and he’s still as gracious as ever. This guy is the real deal for the same reasons I liked him 3 years ago. He spent years playing bars and honing his craft, slumming it in a way, but it remains the best training ground. More so than stage parents or Star Search could ever be.

Lame Top 4 Question Portion of Show:
What was your favorite performance by someone else on the show?

Eunuch
Blackbird (Carly)…obviously, because it was a ballad
Stoner J
It’s All Wrong But It’s All Right (Michael Johns)…excellent frakking choice
Coretta Scott Mercado
Here You Come Again (Carly)
D-Cook
Let It Be (Brooke)…calls it an organic moment. Yeah, that probably was Brooke’s last shining moment. Week 1….

Well, that was painful in so many ways, but much less greasy than usual. Glad they’re cutting back on the Smarm. Must have been all the audience members filling up nearby ERs trying to get power antibiotics to remove the Chlamydia infecting their bodies. Hell, the effects of the Greasy Constantine Stare may be the closest thing to immaculate conception that exists in reality.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. June 10, 2008 2:12 am

    it wasn’t pleather…i swear

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