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American Idol Top 4 Elimination: The Legend of Stoner J

May 8, 2008

Is it just me? Because I have no idea why I’m still watching this show…Why are they even bothering with it at this point when the whole damn thing has already been decided.

51 million votes, with the Top 3 coming in within 1 million votes of one another. Oh whatever. Yawn. The Wisdom of Randy Jackson? Uh, ok. It’s not wise to want an underage Mormon Eunuch to rub cocoa butter all over your body while yelling out that’s molten hot and yeah dawg.

Group Sing Suckage

The Chosen Eunuch is the FIRST solo, as well as the LAST solo (The one to present Ricky Minor’s solo. Ricky Minor needs more love and more airtime because he’s basically just a post-modern musical version of Nat from The Peach Pit on 90210.)

Stoner J looks soooo happy because he just wants to go home. Christ, this choreography is terrible. Love how the Eunuch and D-Cook are paired together…AGAIN. Has anyone else noticed the only person who actually looks like they’re having fun during this is the Eunuch? Doesn’t he realize they all look like complete idiots? Probably not. Don’t you watch South Park? They either have sing-a-longs or board games after dinner in Mormon households. I guess it’s just an average Wednesday night in Casa Eunuch.

Coretta Scott Mercado is wearing a sequined tank top to recapture last night’s piss poor Tina impersonation. Coretta Scott Mercado told Billboard magazine SHE HAS A DREAM! (She plans on winning a Grammy, Oscar and a Tony.)

Oh Supermercado, I have dreams, too. I want to win a Best Original Screenplay Oscar. And at least 2 Pulitzers. And I want to sleep with Nigel Barker, George Clooney, Christian Bale and Eric Bana. And save Darfur, yeah, that’s a good place to want to save, right? I also want to end Google’s monopoly on search engine technology and force Rachael Ray into permanent hiding. And I’m going to get rid of Scientology and stupid romantic comedies with wedding in the title. See? I got lots of lofty (er, ridiculous) dreams, too!!

OH EUNUCH, SHUT THE FRAK UP. Quit this humble shit. You’ve never been in the Bottom 2 and Randy wants you to rub cocoa butter all over his plump Bedazzled body, which I suspect, your father may have already forced you to do to get a guarantee you’ll win this silly competition. He’s also said connect 7 times in 60 seconds. So if you sing a song to your dog, I guess you connect with it. Don’t you think that’s kind of sad? Sometimes, I come home drunk and play One My Own from Les Miserables and sing it to my frakking cat, who subsequently runs away from me. Maybe that, too, is connecting with a song, but both myself and my cat know for a fact its beyond pathetic.

(On Board Game night in Casa Enunch, I bet his favorite game is Connect Four…It’s all about the connection, don’t you see? It’s all really, really DEEP.)

Coretta Scott Mercado is all smiles for the camera in the waiting room. Commercial break. Let’s point out again how THE EUNUCH IS IN THE TOP 3!!

Idol Contestants on a Private Jet to…Vegas!

Stoner J brings his guitar to Vegas, D-Cook does not. Stoner J is legit, man! He’s as legit as cannabis at The Bullfrog in Amsterdam. He wants to sleep in the private jet’s bed while in the air, which might actually be possible, for him at least, on such a short flight because I would bet he has perfected the fine art of the weed nap. Anyhow…

Are those UNLV sorority girls camped outside the Mirage? Maybe the Claymates were having a convention in town and they were called for the gig, too, because some middle-aged fraus were in line for Idol goodness. I’m not saying these people don’t have fans, per se, but it’s Vegas, and well, famous and semi-famous people are always hanging out in Vegas. And that’s a lot of people cheering for these kids…in Vegas.

I love animals and I LOVE dolphins.
–- Coretta Scott Mercado

Now they’re getting makeovers. I guess they are providing a lot of their own clothes this year because Coretta’s dress is a BCBG from the 2005 Summer Season. I have the same dress but in black with white polka dots. Not to say she doesn’t look good, but for some reason, I really thought these kids got a weekly clothing allowance and kind of went to town. Anyway, once again, I digress…

I love how Stoner J seems to get the most attention in Vegas, fan-wise. It’s perfect. He’s the first American Idol Folk Hero. Or American Idol Anti-Hero. Regardless what goes down tonight, I love this kid.

David Cook…hmmm…I did peg you to be in the Bottom 2, based on placement and “shock value”. But they’re bringing you out right behind the Eunuch again, which would drive home the whole David vs. David final the producers have been ramming down our throats like a bulemic’s finger. Of course you’re safe, D-Cook, now sit your ass on that couch next to the Eunuch and keep prepping for all those promo shots in 2 weeks.

Coretta Scott Mercado just smiled and waved again. This girl, whoa, it’s kind of crazy, really. She’s shown more “personality” during these last couple of weeks and frankly, maybe she should have stayed more…vanilla? Because she’s taken on the Mormon Brooke syndrome, although in a different way. Mormon Brooke was overly sincere while Syesha looks more and more insincere each time she speaks. But the result remains the same: The more she opens her mouth, the less I like her.

MATADORS AND FORD AND JOHNNY CASH OH MY

Ok. How awesome was Stoner J doing his little dance-y matador ole move? This guy is so endearing because he just doesn’t care, and the less he cares, the more I like him and would consider buying his album or seeing him play somewhere just because he’s probably one of the most genuine contestants I’ve ever seen on this shit show. He just wants to have fun. And really. How can you continue to have fun when the judges have done everything in their power (ahem, Randy) to get your ass booted? Oh. And the Eunuch looks frakking ridiculous in turquoise matador’s ensemble. I know I rip on this kid but I really do feel sorry for him. They’re making him a virtual NAMBLA poster boy.

Bullshit pre-taped section of show commences…

(Pinky, I am sooo buying you the Taylor Hicks commorative postage stamps for your wedding, so you have something else to lick from time to time.)

Q&A…so unbelievably lame. Emily, 24, from Pittsburgh wants to take D-Cook out for a date when he’s in town on her birthday during the Idol tour. Uh, ok, sweetheart.

Sarah, 14, from Indiana wants to know what was the biggest challenge everyone has had to overcome. Now I am hearing We Shall Overcome play in my head as I picture footage from the March on Washington and countless sit-ins taking place in the American South 40-50 years ago. Coretta Scott Mercado once was forced to give up a seat to a white man on the bus. Coretta Scott Mercado was also arrested during the WATTS riots. Coretta Scott Mercado was the first black woman delegate for the 1968 Democratic convention…Ooops, I’m getting ahead of myself. Should un-pause this shit show to get it over with and stop typing for a moment.

I, uh, just the brain being dead.
–- Stoner J

Of course, I really wanted him to say his biggest challenge was being without his bong and Northern Lights stash, but that answer still works for me!

These Q&A sessions are so ridiculously awkward, but uh, Theresa from Detroit does not sound 42, but whatever, sometimes people think I sound like a man when I answer the phone so perhaps I should not criticize.

I cannot believe I noticed Howie Mandel in the audience. I need to stop watching this show ASAP.

Maroon 5, a band which, well, I don’t quite understand what they’re doing. And I don’t really like them…but then they sometimes surprise me, if the sun is shining a certain way or oh hell, I don’t know. They’re like pop-rock with a touch of Jameriqui sometimes? And Adam Levine looks like a sometimes hot poor man’s version of Christian Bale, but not quite. But I sometimes find myself enjoying the occasional Maroon 5 song on the radio when I’m driving home, so I guess I can’t hate-hate them. But Jesus, they kind of suck when performing live.

I think they flashed to some people in the audience I’m supposed to recognize and might look vaguely familiar, but I have no clue who they were. Guess Luke Menard couldn’t get tickets for a second night, but maybe they’ll let him on American Idol Extra if he’s lucky.

For some reason, Adam Levine is kind of…funny…like more so than that douchebag John Mayer. But didn’t they both bang that Simpson girl?

BO BICE ALERT! BO BICE ALERT!

I have always made it clear Bo Bice is one of my favorite contestants ever to grace the Idol stage. Hell, he’s the one of the only reasons I even started watching this shit show. He is so much better when he’s performing his brand of Southern Rock and not the crap they made him record for that first CD. I still think this guy pioneered the way for more interesting performers on this show…Taylor Hicks, Chris Daughtry, Amanda Overmyer, Bucky Covington, Stoner J, David Cook…well, at least those are the ones I can think of. Bo Bice is not only talented, but he seems like a great guy — humble, gracious, just a real nice guy.

I now have the overwhelming urge to take bong hits with Bo and Stoner J.

Apparently, Ace Young will be guest starring on Bones. Hmmm…is this Fox’s way of trying to undo all the evidence of shit being fixed? Setting up former contestants with semi-high-profile gigs? I liked Ace Young, although I think I like him more since he’s been off the show. Ace Young and Michael Johns are also the antidotes to the Chalmydia Stare. If one of them gets to you in just the nick of time, after your gaze has been met by Greasy Constantine, you’re instantly cured and there’s no need to go to the doctor for antibiotics to clear that nasty little VD up. Plus Ace Young’s new song, Addicted, is kind of good…at least the version I heard. I caught Bones once and kind of liked it, perhaps I should start watching it…oh, Christ, I don’t want to watch any more TV. American Idol has sucked the life out of me.

MY ONLY FRIEND…THE END

STONER J ADMITS TO PACKING HIS BAGS…and shooting the tambourine man. But he said it all with a smile. I’m happy for him right now…but I’m also sad because I don’t want him to leave! The show will be even more blah than it’s been for the…entire…season…But think how how many more shit ballads we’re gonna have to hear next week between Coretta Scott Mercado and the Eunuch!

And Coretta Scott Mercado is grinning like she just signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964, because she just KNOWS she’s made the final 3.

OMG. SHE DID NOT. SHE DID IT. SHE ACTUALLY LIKENED HER TIME ON AMERICAN IDOL TO TWO PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES. Because you know, she’s like, Halfrican-American and female. I believe Idolator called this one in their recap of last night’s performances.

Syesha Mercado has a reed-thin voice and a really grating persona that was best epitomized by her comparing her Idol trajectory to the civil rights movement. (Whoever said that she’s probably going to compare herself to one of the presidential candidates if she keeps on going in the competition is right on.)

Look at Stoner J’s grin. Look at Stoner J’s smile. He is so damn happy to be out of here. He soooo knew what he was doing. I love this kid. Love this kid. And I so do not remember him singing with the You Are My Brother guy. Seriously. How awesome is he? He’s performing I Shot The Sheriff and yes, I still think it was a fun performance. And he truly looks like he’s having fun. And perhaps now, he will once again be able to have more fun. He doesn’t need Idol. He just needs to go jam with Jack Johnson in Hawaii on The Mellow Show.

If I had a bowl right now, I’d smoke it for you, sweet Stoner J. As I said before, you went out on your own terms. You found redemption. You didn’t sacrifice your soul to the Idol gods.

Coretta Scott Mercado better be thanking your dread head ass right now. You gave her back that bus seat.

Even though she’s getting off at the next stop.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Sue permalink
    May 8, 2008 6:29 pm

    I don’t agree with you on everything, but you’ve definately got one of the most interesting takes on AI that I’ve seen.

  2. Pinky permalink
    May 8, 2008 4:00 pm

    The props to Steely Dan were embarrassing! The coordinated dance numbers NEED TO GO. But made me realize that David Cook should’ve sang Steely Dan. That would’ve been good.

  3. UnitsGal permalink
    May 8, 2008 12:14 pm

    I so saw the election coming. I actually thought she’d say it during the actual show… But hey a shout out to the democrats is good by me. =) UnitsGuy and I were dying at how stoned stoner J actually was. He was by far the most hilarious contestant EVER. Very happy to have TiVo’d so I could ffwd through Maroon 5, and pretty much all the sing alongs. Although the props to Steely Dan were nice.

  4. TESSA permalink
    May 8, 2008 9:57 am

    Great article – I agree with it all! What a nothing season – did love Jason because he just kept doing his thang and smiling and not really caring what the judges thought – he is a pretty little thing. Wonder who will win – probably Nasal Nose – I’m glad someone finally said it – boy is he irritating – can he talk? Well, the madness will soon be over – Thank God! So miss my Taylor Hicks!

  5. Donatony permalink
    May 8, 2008 9:32 am

    Spot on again, of course. I have to say, I *really* dislike Maroon 5. Maybe it’s because they were overplayed when they first got big. Or that the lead singer’s voice sounds a lot higher on CD than when performed live. It’s hard to say exactly, but I just can’t stand M5.

  6. May 8, 2008 7:13 am

    You absolutely understand Castro. It was Highlarious watching him the past few weeks in the group songs. You know he hated every minute of those horrible, badly choreographed numbers. I selfishly wanted him to stay longer because he’s added so much this season to the show, but it was evident he was ready to jump off the bloody circus. Think he ‘forgot’ those lyrics Tuesday night? Naw, me either.

    Why has Syscreecha’s recent turn toward the light and utmost serenity and happiness seen on the show the past two weeks? Seems obvious that she’s in on the little Idol secret, knew she was in for the finale. Notice each of the final three represent each of the judge’s faves. Slimon loves Cook – to the press he has said David is the type of artist he enjoys listening to on the radio; Randy creams over Little Winky Bat-boy and Paula has loved S-Yes-screecha since the auditions. Remember, what does Syesha’s name have in it? “Yes”. Indeed.

  7. May 8, 2008 6:39 am

    I am so glad someone else dislikes this girl as much as I do. Also agree on your string of interesting Idols. I still cannot believe she brought up Barack and Clinton. I was hoping J would pull out one more week just so I could see Randy’s head explode.

  8. pinky permalink
    May 8, 2008 1:01 am

    Um, did Coretta Scott just compare herself to Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama? BTW, whatever happened to Melinda from last year? SHE is a black woman who can do Tina Tuner. Coretta bitch, you are no Melinda.

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