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American Idol Top 3: Better With Alcohol

May 13, 2008

Alcohol makes American Idol so much more bearable.

Stella Atrois. Check.
(Note: On Tuesday evenings, after a few glasses of wine, it is wiser to drink beer than whatever hard alcohol you have displayed elegantly in your kitchen, hence, block-away liquor store was a fabulous option when you have a cab driver who can’t tell GPS instructions from a bowel movement.)
Water. Check.
Parliament Lights. Check.
Tivo. Check.

Or, Coretta Scott Mercado, as the only girl left, you now control all the glitter.

Eunuch
And So It Goes
(Billy Joel)
Wait…we leading off with the Eunuch? Even with Papagate? Christ, the major of Utah…he’s just doing a poor imitation of the great Tom Skeritt in a very bad patriotic shirt.

I can’t listen to him talk anymore. I really can’t. And I feel guilty because I should not be thinking such things about 17-year-old children. But I have a nephew his age, and honestly, if I had to trust one of them to get out of a cardboard box alive, I would choose my nephew.

The Eunuch has a decent voice, but I cannot watch him, ok? The lip licking…the eye closing, that type of music…I can’t do it. And I cannot watch Randy judging the Eunuch anymore because it creeps me out in a Dateline kind of way, ok? Thank you, Simon. I actually enjoy the fact you are rallying against the whole Eunuch victory train. Your Britishness is in favor with me this evening. I love the British. My heritage, plus, your people just have better things to eat for take out available for purchase in convenient stores than here in the U.S., ok?

Syesha Scott Mercado
If I Got You
You have such fun hair, such a fun look…I have tried sooooo hard to like you, however…the whole Civil Rights thing…the desperation…the fact you do nothing to differentiate yourself from any gal who has a good voice.

Wait…is something wrong with the sound again? Because this sounds absolutely horrible. Chorus is better, but…the sound must be screwed again. Right now, my Stella Artois and I want to be like Paula and point out how…how very beautiful you look tonight, just because the alcohol is making us nicer than usual. Not really, but I can try, right?

I miss you Carly. I miss you Michael Johns. I miss you Stoner J. And guess what? I miss you, too, Chikieze!

D-Cook
The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
(Roberta Flack)
Ok. Let’s admit something. I’m from Missouri. St. Louis, actually, and people from St. Louis never say they’re from Missouri, they say they’re from St. Louis. We all want to believe it sounds more cultured or something, perhaps a complex left over from the 1904 Worlds Fair, I do not know, but we all know we’re a lot cooler than Kansas City. I’ve never met a KC Royals fan, even though I went to college midway between KC and STL (KC folk are obsessed with the Chiefs, purchasing red automobiles because those are Chiefs colors. And there is this fast food chain called Gates BBQ, which I cannot believe has not been shut down by the NAACP.), and I’ve only been to that city 3x in my entire life. Anyway, if I had to think someone deserved winning, it would be David Cook. Here are the reasons why:

  1. His brother has terminal cancer, yet he did not manipulate the American public into voting for him for this fact, even when his brother is sitting in the audience
  2. He’s from my home state, which doesn’t matter much, but I’m gonna use it here just because I can
  3. He loves crosswords, as do I
  4. He performed a rocker version of Lionel Richie’s Hello, possible the single greatest music video of all time. All I’ve ever really wanted was for someone to ever sculpt my head…
  5. I downloaded, for 99 cents, his version of Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby and play it more often than I would like to admit
  6. He’s the best all-around singer and performer left at this stage of the competition
  7. If he finds stardom, I am convinced he will find a better hair stylist

He seems like the only person in this fixed bullshit to want to win for the right reasons. And if he doesn’t win, he still won, because he’ll sell more albums than either of them. I also just have more respect for the bartenders or the guys who play the bars in order to get their music heard. It says so much more than being groomed for a television show since the pre-pubescent years…

Ok. Whew. I am done. Glad I got that off my chest. Let’s here D-Cook do Simon’s choice…See, my mother used to listen to a lot of Roberta Flack, so maybe I have a little bias here, but I think it’s an appropriate song for him to do his D-Cook thing, ya know?

And frankly, I love the film Play Misty For Me, ok? I think any girl should watch this movie when they start worrying incessantly about a guy because it will snap you right out of it, as you don’t want to be anything remotely like the woman in this film. The mother on Arrested Development (Jessica Walter) plays this completely whacked chick obsessed with Clint Eastwood’s DJ character. Anyway, The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face was part of the film’s soundtrack, so whenever I hear it, I think of Play Misty For Me.

Wait…so he’s just singing it…no he’s not…that’s his mother in the audience, right? Ok. So that’s the song. Really. Can’t they let them sing for more than, oh, I don’t know, one and a half minutes? Reducing a song to such a short time period really doesn’t allow it to ever get good.

You know what’s cool. His entire family is there, including his brother suffering from cancer. And the fact he doesn’t draw attention to this fact makes me actually like this guy, well, much more than the rest, at least.

Eunuch
With You (Chris Brown)
I don’t know much about Chris Brown, but I like the No Air song and that other one I hear a lot when I drive home from work, so maybe I will recognize this? Oh, wait. I don’t like this song. It’s the frakking BOO song. Oh, this is fascinating. He SUCKS, he has those runs, but oh wow, this is like, oh Jesus, its like, really bad karaoke but with all those sorority girls wearing brightly colored sundresses cheering loudly. This song just feels so…forced? Like, oh Eunuch, please don’t look deeply into the camera and grab. I don’t know, it just kind of freaks me out.

You know, I just realized something. The one thing that sucks about doctor-patient confidentiality is that we have no idea who Paula’s doctors may be. And that’s a shame, really, because I think, Paula’s doctors could have the key to world peace, ya know?

Coretta Scott Mercado
Fever (Peggy Lee)
I have always LOVED this song. And she is wearing more sequins. Now, uh, she says she is going to chair dance and well…she didn’t use the chair as much as she could but, I kind of dig the arrangement, however, I know its only going to be a minute and a half. She walks around it properly, that was the proper walk…around a chair…and I kind of want to admire her determination, because she really is still in it to win it, ya know? Oh, whatever, she did a “lame cabaret performance”, y’all know she ain’t gonna make it past tomorrow. Does it really matter?

D-Cook
Dare You To Move (Switchfoot)
Ok. Heard the song, never knew the artist. Thought he was doing Collective Soul. I really think I like him better when he’s not doing something so…expected? Like when this guy revises old pop classics, it’s almost amazing. And granted, I kind of like this…not sure…but its so short…and it’s not exactly much of a stretch. Then it’s over. So, you know, it’s like…oh Randy, just stop dropping names. Wow. Paula is like, uh, speaking wisdom?

Eunuch

Longer (Dan Fogelberg)
All week, I’ve been wondering what this song was, and now I know. And right now, I wish I had mittens to prevent myself from scratching out my eyes. I would prefer looking at my parents’ Steve & Edie Gormet concert programs, as I sometimes did as a child, because it would be preferable to this tripe. This must be like dying in an actual elevator while the Musak is still going, full-stream ahead on the speakers. Randy just wants cocoa butter rubbed all over his body, Paula just has the good pills and Simon speaks the truth about this kid…well, as much as he can.

Coretta Scott Mercado
Something by Rhianna from a movie with penguins
Uh, yeah, I almost fell asleep during that and it may have been cool had you done something different and not worn sequins once again this evening. Or like, you know, sung the damn song differently. Wow. Paula. Even with all those magical pills, you are actually speaking the truth.

D-Cook
Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing (Aerosmith)
This is really sad, but my “favorite horrible dreadfully bad movie of all time” is, sigh, Armageddon. At this point, I could write a 20-page thesis on how this single film defines everything both right and mostly wrong with American culture. Like, unfortunately, I can quote this frakking movie. Perhaps its just the fact I wish I was 22 again, and honestly, if someone was gonna save the world, why can’t it be Bruce Willis, Will Patton, William Fitchner and Ben frakking Affleck. Ok. Will stop now and listen to actual song. Oh Christ, I’m trying to finish my beer and Mr. Missouri has a string orchestra playing the love theme from Armageddon.

I give up. I give the frak up. I almost ignored the front-row Alpha Phi plants, ok? Oh, Randy. You just want the Eunuch to rub cocoa butter over you, so whatever. D-Cook is gonna win this crap…wait, now Simon, I do actually love this song, but…”one of the greatest songs of all time”? It’s not THAT great. It’s great and all, but not that great…shit, now I want to listen to the original…I think…oh thank Xenu this stupid show is over for the night.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. TopIdol permalink
    May 14, 2008 1:06 pm

    I thought the best quote was when Coretta said she wanted to “be may-a-self”. But I can’t believe they made her sing that “Happy Feet” song and then brought out the orchestra for D-Cook right after. I almost felt sorry for her…then I remembered the whole comparing-Idol-journey-to-Civil-Rights-Movement thing and wondered why she couldn’t even get the Reverands Jackson & Sharpton to try and drum up votes.

  2. UnitsGal permalink
    May 14, 2008 12:26 pm

    Best quote of the night that sorta got thrown away…. Eunich saying “A little weird coming from a white guy” when Randy was saying he didn’t “get” him singing “My Boo”

    I still have the happy feet song stuck in my head…. damn you rhianna! damn you all to hell!!!!

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