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American Idol Top 3 Elimination: The Most Un-Shocking Results Show EVER

May 14, 2008

TopIdol decided to put aside the bottle tonight…which may make Groups Sing Suckage unbearable, but we’ll chance it. We actually prefer drinking water, believe it…or not…

Before I begin, let’s congratulate Whitney, the first “full-figured” winner of America’s Next Top Model. Yeah. I love that show…and the incredible Mr. Nigel Barker.

Ok. Back to Idol

GROUP SING SUCKAGE

Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now
Poor D-Cook looks woefully out of place in this terrible dance number. The Eunuch is just doing what the Eunuch probably does every other night of his life, sing along to an oldies station. And why, Coretta Scott Mercado, day-glo white sneakers, is working overtime to show viewers she has a casual side! And a black side!

As sometime TopIdol commenter Magnum astutely noted:

When did Syesha get confused and think that black people watched American Idol?

In tonight’s audience: David Hernandez! CHIKIEZE!!

Wow. We’re already on to the FORD COMMERCIAL, which apparently has the 3 contestants going to a FORTUNE TELLER while singing Los Lonely Boys’ Heaven. (FYI, my mother goes gaga over this inane song for some reason.)

Now as I look into my crystal ball…I see big things…Oh, tiny Eunuch, you are hiding a secret folded ever so neatly besides your magical underpants in your closet. Oh, D-Cook, you will become an Idol but your Flock of Seagulls hair will have to say goodbye…forever. Oh, Coretta Scott Mercado, this is the last time you will be doing a Ford Commercial but you may find Fame…if they ever do a broadway remake of the 1982 film.

Re-mem-ba, Re-mem-ba, Re-mem-ba…

I digress…let’s watch the damn commercial.

Is it just me, or has the Eunuch been featured in a shot with some sort of flowering plant for at least half of these commercials?

LAST NIGHT’S RECAP…WHY MUST WE RELIVE IT?

The Eunuch sang some terrible songs, Coretta Scott Mercado sang some really boring songs but wore lots and lots of sequins and danced on a chair, D-Cook did some really good Roberta Flack and then sang a virtual coronation song with a small orchestra.

FANTASIA

Fantasia does her best Grace Jones

Does anyone remember Grace Jones? Fantasia reminds me of a plumper, new-fangled version of Grace Jones right now. The En Vogue-esque backup dancers are a nice touch. But other than that, I have no idea what I’m watching but there are a lot of jerky movements and yelling. Lots of yelling. Hell hath no fury like a Fantasia scorned. OMG. OMG. The look on Simon’s face. The look on Simon’s face. That was just…that was just incredible. But Fantasia seems like she’s a lot of fun for some reason, a bit scary, but on occasion, scary can be fun.

EUNUCH

Wow. The only person who isn’t taller than Ryan is the Eunuch. Now let’s see David’s Day in Murray, Utah.

Oh, my gosh! The Murray High School Cheerleaders are here, too!

I can’t believe the under-12 set, in this day and age, still hasn’t figured out that they’re probably not Little David’s uh, type.

8-year-old girls are grabbing this poor kid. He is overwhelmed with emotion after seeing all the people at the mall, that so many people appreciated all his hard work…whoa, this poor kid’s Daddy Issues are bound to come to a head once he gets disowned for losing the whole thing.

I was overwhelmed how many people showed up. Gosh, where did they park?

I actually think that proves this kid may be a wee bit observant? Because I might wonder the same thing, but I don’t know what size the Murray mall’s parking garage is, but I did notice they had an Anthropologie.

YES! Mayor Daniel Snarr, the Tom Skerritt wannabe with a Dali moustache is BACK! LOVE HIM. Now that’s a man who needs his own reality show!

I never noticed before but I think the Eunuch’s mom may be sort of MILF-y? And it seems like the Scary Stage Dad has her held captive a la Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes.

I just realized, the more this kid says gosh, the more he sounds like Napoleon Dynamite, or Jon Heder, which is actually an LDS, so maybe breathlessly saying Gosh a lot is a Mormon thing?

Now they are showing the Eunuch’s Idol journey and I saw a glimpse of Miss Kristy Lee Cook and Carly and almost got a bit nostalgic, even though I still think Kristy Lee kind of sucked.

CORETTA SCOTT MERCADO

What was it like to get the star treatment back at home? How excited is she that she’s uh, getting star treatment. The crowd seems a bit more subdued than the Eunuch’s, although one large woman in nurse’s scrubs wanted her to kiss her baby, which is probably because, well, you know, Coretta Scott Mercado is the mythical love child of Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama…

Ooooh, BLOCK PARTY!! Dad mention’s his sobriety, because tragic back stories help with getting votes. Now she is on a helicopter…and singing Proud Marry…and the energetic Sarasota mayor, Lou Ann Palmer, just did a cartwheel. Nice touch, but still doesn’t top the Skerritt wannabe with the handlebar moustache. And now Coretta is crying…I’m sure I’m just as annoying when I cry but I kind of want her to shut up already.
Onto her journey…oh Hollywood week, when I still really liked Coretta and thought she was gonna be the second coming of Nadia Turner.

D-COOK

Wow, does he look apprehensive before he comes out on the stage, is he maybe thinking he’s too deep in and gonna be forced to sing a really bad song next week. Let’s hope his brother tries out again…is that allowed? Oh, I slightly giggled when he was doing the green screen and giving the “weather report”. Oh wow. That little kid with the identical hairstyle. Why is that girl crying? Never understood those people who get so verklempt upon meeting someone famous. Awwww, he brought flowers to the music teacher.

Parade…someone is dressed up like Colonal Sanders and another girl says she drove 10 hours from Wisconsin.

I like how his younger brother is there for all of this for some reason. It’s sweet. And then he threw out the first pitch at a KC Royals game. Still haven’t met a real KC fan so if you know any, have them write me. But he totally should have stopped by a Gates BBQ for a Hi-May-Eyz-Help-Youz? From the friendly staff.

When he tried out, his hair was totally Flock of Seagulls. Crazy. I really do think, for all his smirks and lemon face high notes, he is the only contestant who expresses genuine emotion and humility.

FINALLY! THE RESULTS! YOU’RE ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT, RIGHT??

esus, if I hear Randy say HOT one more frakking time…I swear the gastric bypass did something to limit his vocabulary…56 MILLION VOTES…

Yeah, yeah, no shocker here, I’m sure…

You think they’re gonna be able to get Coretta off the stage?

Also in the audience: Ramiele, Kristy Lee Cook (wearing that same horse tank top she always wears), MICHAEL JOHNS (Love you, Sexy Aussie, love you…), Mormon Brooke and Carly

(Notice how Amanda Overmyer hasn’t made a post-exit appearance? And I’m surprised Danny Noriega still isn’t milking past-contestant audience shots, but he’s probably drinking pina coladas with Rosie O’Donnell and Kathie Griffith right now.)

Ugh, never cared for this Alicia Keys song to begin with and I don’t feel like listening to it again now. So long, Coretta Scott Mercado! Perhaps I will see you on Broadway one day, or maybe in a bit part on Law & Order, because you know, everyone on Broadway does Law & Order.

Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty, she is free at last. (Free to do Broadway, right?)

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. October 27, 2009 6:18 am

    omg.
    I don’t know why I was reading this.
    But I can’t fucking WAIT for Idol to start again b/c your recaps are just awesome.

  2. Yasmin permalink
    January 12, 2009 4:57 pm

    I love david archuleta he is sooo cute!!I love his song ‘crush’
    PEACE

  3. Jean-Marc permalink
    January 11, 2009 9:31 am

    Grace Jones never went away, she’s still active. It matters if you only focus on the narrowest popular culture of the time. Although she’s a bit weird, she still has more tlent than 99.9% of the output of “Idol” shows.

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 11, 2009 1:12 pm

      Jean-Marc, agreed! Grace Jones RULES. I loved Grace Jones while growing up in the 1980s. And I’m happy to see she is still active. Hell, people made chocolate busts of her late last year! Grace Jones rules.

  4. Michelle permalink
    December 30, 2008 10:39 pm

    I love David Archuleta.
    i love his songs,its amazing!!

  5. December 21, 2008 7:48 pm

    OMG I love David Archuleta he is so hot. He can sing amazing and according to my room I am his biggest fan. I am only 12 years old but I know what I’m talking about and I love David Archuleta. Oh and on behave of David Cook he can sing to

  6. November 22, 2008 11:58 am

    wow, people keep on saying that daviv a is dead, how did they get thatt?

  7. freshkids permalink
    November 21, 2008 10:20 pm

    I do remember grace jones, but only for her appearance in the james bond movie.. She was the definition of great body in the most unsexy package ever..

  8. Ready Freddy permalink
    October 30, 2008 7:50 pm

    I Think David A. is H-O-T-T CUTE

  9. treeez permalink
    October 17, 2008 7:00 pm

    is grace jones for real or is that an ebony carving?

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