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American Idol Extra: The Stage Goes Ghetto, Greasy Constantine Ogles and SANJAYA shows up to make it all better

May 15, 2008

It’s like a Season 7 reunion! There’s Michael Johns and David Cook doing “tummy touches”, well, that’s what this 350-lb man named Paulie who hung out at the Silhouette in Brighton around 2001 would call them. The thing you do when kind of run and jump up face-to-face with another person and bump stomachs or chests. I don’t know what else to call them besides Tummy Touches.

Chikieze!!! And Jason Castro is back! Even David Hernandez is hanging out, fully dressed, even. I read Amanda was also there but have yet to see her. You always knew she was too cool to hang with the other kids, at least while the cameras were rolling. That was one of the things I found so endearing about her, too.

All the kids are back in town to prep for that big finale on Wednesday night. I’m almost looking forward to it…maybe its best to uh, shoot me now.

Those former contestants are circling around, and its kind of funny, like Carly is leading the way, then there’s little Ramiele and Mormon Brooke was scurrying to catch up. The Eunuch is wandering around looking clueless and chewing gum, maybe because his father isn’t there to tell him which direction to walk just yet.

All the while Coretta Scott Mercado is telling the Seacrest Sycophant, JD Roberto, how she’s just sooooo happy to have come this far. She just keeps smiling for the camera. You never know who could be watching, right? I’m sure CAA will be calling her tomorrow morning.

Performance Recap

I’m not even going to bother because it pretty much blew the first and second times around.

Oooooh! CELEBRITIES. Like real ones, or semi-real ones, or something like that…

(Interviewed by Gina and Greasy Ass Constantine)

YAY! LLOYD is there. I heard he was, but did not see him. Yes, I know Lloyd’s real name is Rex Lee but I love his Entourage character so much, I insist on calling him Lloyd for the duration of this paragraph. The Sultan of Smarm does his ridiculous interview style in which he bobs his head up and down while pretending to look both intense and interested in whomever he is talking to, this time, its Marilu Henner, and what they happen to be saying. This is noticeably tougher for him to do if the woman (they seem to give these co-hosts members of the opposite sex for the post-show interviews) does not have visible cleavage. Gina is not talking to someone named Brandon Rogers who was on the show last year or something. I have no idea. Constantine nods at some chick who is on that Brothers and Sisters show. Yay! Lloyd is back. I think he gained a little weight but he’s still my lovable Lloyd. He says at this point, everyone has got to care, even the viewers at home.

Oh, Lloyd, I don’t care, but that was a nice sound bite you gave. And I care about you Lloyd, you’re my Asian-American Idol 365 days a year!

The Mercado family is sitting with the Poor Man’s Seacrest on that RIDICULOUS Coke couch, which is kind of funny, b/c they’re dismantling everything and behind them is a building and a truck, maybe a few trees. It’s kind of like putting a sofa on your front lawn and hanging out on a Saturday evening or something…

Oh, no way! Syesha is ENGAGED. Someone named Hess Wesley. I love how these chicks on here, the pretty ones who are probably think they are prettier than they really are…I love how they hide the boyfriend or fiancée until they get booted. Maybe they are told to do this? Who knows. But I bet Coretta ditches Hess-Wes for someone who promises her stardom…who knows…perhaps it is true love and I am only being cynical based on impressions I formed while watching a lame ass TV show.

Groan. Backstage again. Greasy Constantine is talking to these people…The Cheetah Girls? It’s the first time I’ve never seen him even glance at the camera when talking…these girls are all shorter, one has a very pronounced rack and the others are just so, so, but damn do they look and sound easy. He looks like a catering service waiter who just got off work. Now Gina is talking to Chris Richardson, someone else from last year but I don’t know who he is. She is wearing a horrible outfit which should not be seen on any female under the age of 45…or Paula Abdul.

Speaking of Paula! YES! Greasy Constantine is interviewing Ms. Abdul and whenever he does this, you can sense a real intimacy between the two of them. Maybe she pops an extra pill before so it’s easier when he semi-holds her, don’t know, but I am always in awe of how they have non-existent personal space while these “interviews” take place. Paula must be oblivious to this, as well as the warmth of his smarmy breath in a gentle, cascading breeze upon her silicone breasts. Or she likes it. Who knows.

(Yeah…obviously, I have no plans of writing a trashy torrid romance novel anytime soon…)

AWESOME. When talking about the Nokia, Greasy Constantine says, while staring at her ta-tas the entire frakking time and doing a strange lip thing:

It’s even bigger, if you can imagine, than the Kodak.

Between Simon’s reaction to Fantasia’s performance and Greasy Constantine undressing Paula with his Chlamydia Eyes, I finally get it. It took me 4 months, but I finally get what Magnum said when he told me the best part about this trash was making sure to never miss the subtleties.

Wow. That was cool. Like it all just dawned on me in that one moment. I feel so, uh, enriched! Yes! Enriched!

Coretta gets her one-on-one now, basically in uh, a parking lot. This chick can’t catch any breaks. She eventually says something again about “who she really is” but I’m only half listening. This pint of Haagen Dazs chocolate sorbet is requiring more attention than I initially thought it would. Now they’re talking about her fashion choices and how her goal was to make the Top 3, positive thinking, meditating…I’m trying not to drop my spoon again so I can type.

The show isn’t even half over but I swear it is the longest hour on TV. My mother used to claim the same thing about MacGyver, how it was the only 3-hour show that aired for one-hour. Claimed it got longer every time she watched it with my father, but she’s a realist, so she just couldn’t buy a dude building explosives with duct tape and Juicy Fruit, even if it was the true beauty of the show.

But guess who is gonna be on in a little bit…that’s right…SANJAYA! Apparently, all day Saturday is an American Idol Extra marathon. Yeah…think I got plans…

Debra Byrd is back. I like Debra Byrd, she’s like the medical examiner of American Idol, if it were a Law & Order show. Like she only shows up for a few minutes occasionally, but the information she offers is knowledgeable and stated with a soothing calmness. Byrd and Debbie the Stage Manager are the brains behind this whole thing, I just know it. This show would be Puttin’ On The Lips if it weren’t for these two fine ladies.

Ooooh, first impressions during Ford Commercial filming. Oh Jesus, David Cook makes pirate jokes…I want to hope its totally in jest and not because you know, he is one of those people who makes regular pirate jokes because they think they’re actually funny. Cook also thinks the Eunuch has a dry sense of humor, which is apparently evident during these big send-off dinners, when they roast the poor sap who is going home. I guess he told Amanda Overmyer she was scary. I now realize that of all the Idol bullshit, the only stuff which may be worth watching are the send-off dinners.

Note to producers: Next year, screw this AI Extra shit and just put some cameras on the send-off dinners.

Now this Diana DiGarmo chick is singing some shit ass song. Isn’t she a teenager? Or she can’t be more than in her early 20s…really need stop dressing like a 38-year-old divorcee/single mom.

SANJAYA! SANJAYA MALAKAR!

For some reason, I would love to see him in a very bit, blink-or-you’ll-miss-him part as one of Baltar’s followers on BSG. He would make the perfect altar boy for Gaius Baltar. But as I said, it would have to be a blink-or-you’ll-miss-him role because casting any reality TV star would totally ruin the Battlestar street cred. And if you don’t watch BSG, you’re probably wondering what the frak I’m talking about…whatever. Your loss.

Sanjaya…he’s openly gay, right? He’s got to be…right? When asked if he is single, he also uses the word “person.” Now he is singing Always On My Mind. Now I’ve always loved this song, as my parents played a lot of Willie Nelson during my childhood. The Elvis version, the Pet Shop Boys version, even, all great…Sanjaya’s…not so much. But you know, its Sanjaya, and I appreciate Sanjaya for just being Sanjaya and pissing a bunch of Idol viewers off last season.

Groan…Mormon Brooke gets a few minutes to talk about what she’s been up to since getting the shaft. She wants to craft a “really great album”. The Top 3 talk pre-performance rituals…Cook closes his eyes and breathes…Coretta calls her sister or texts someone…the Eunuch says a prayer to himself to keep the spirit high.

Yay! It’s over. Time to say goodbye from the parking lot! Yay! Only one more week of this nonsense!!!

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. shy permalink
    January 30, 2009 3:59 am

    hmm

  2. July 8, 2008 11:05 pm

    Everyone on CI loves Byrd. I hope they let her sing on the show again this season 🙂

    Syesha has tard. That’s about it. 😀

  3. TopIdol permalink
    July 8, 2008 9:15 pm

    Debra Byrd is awesome!!! Loved her.

    Coretta Scott Mercado…oh Coretta Scott Mercado…where are your tards? I even doubt the mayor of Bradenton, FLA is still doing handstands for her.

  4. July 8, 2008 9:10 pm

    I like to think of it as the Beer Gut Bash.

    Yeah Syesha got engaged during the season. Check out her thread on VFTW; he’s a model and producer and quite a cutie. I found his photos months ago 🙂 Should be on page one.

    Debra Byrd worked on Canadian Idol too, and she gets WAY more camera time on that show. She even sang on CI one year, she’s just a lovely, lovely woman.

    Check out Jully Black, who is popping in and out on CI this year.

    She’s insane and very funny 😀

  5. Heather permalink
    May 16, 2008 11:15 pm

    Sanjaya as Elvis? The Beatles?

    I hope that was a joke.

  6. harve permalink
    May 16, 2008 9:55 pm

    whoever wrote this seems to be in the old school humour, bash sanjaya.. ,get a laugh. we arent laughing. he is one of the few idols that has that superstar quality. he has what elvis, and the beatles , m.jackson,mick jagger all exuded the WOW factor . please dont forget this very young man is still impressionable.Please dont try to get a cheap laugh, trying to make him gay. lots of us have been hugged by gay men…believe me sanjayas hugs are more than that !He is a very innocent well bred young man still has values. leave him alone and pay attention to his gorgeous voice yes i said gorgeous. i think people such as yourself are tone deaf.or you are too young to remember the music where people sang and didnt spit noises beepbop !we like, pure easy listening., sanjaya style!
    signed a mature sanjaya fan

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