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American Idol Finals: Screw the singing — its all about the sincerity of those tears

May 20, 2008

For the last 5 days, I’ve had the creeping suspicion that I should have put money down on the Eunuch, since his odds of winning are way less than D-Cook’s chances. I feel like it’s still a sure thing the Eunuch is gonna take it all…can I still place a bet?

Ok. This whole um, boxing angle, well…hey, am I the only person who wonders where Don King is hiding?

Oh yeah, this is not the Biggest Showdown in Showbiz History. Can a television show literally be delusional?

Crowd shots! Kristy Lee Cook wearing some absolutely atrocious cut-out top that can best be described as vintage Contempo Casuals. I am now wondering how many air-brushed half tops this chick owns.

And Luke Perry is there with his child! Luke Perry actually gave my friend marital advice (the words marital advice are hysterical if you met my friend, trust me) at the St. Louis Ritz Carlton cocktail bar a year and a half ago. They started talking after she told him she named her poodle Dylan after his 90210 character. It was one of those camera phone moments.

I digress. Oh, looks like the gaggle of UCLA sorority mosh pit skanks are also in the house.

Jesus, Randy, lose the damn little kid craft bracelets when you’re sporting a blazer. Simon does it well. I find the whole blazer and un-tucked white button-down with jeans look really hot, actually, but I wasn’t saying I wanted to bang Simon. I was just making a statement of fact.

Ugh…this boxing metaphor has already gone too far. And if it really was an honest-to-Xenu cage match or something of that sort, Eunuch would get his ass pounded by a Boston Terrier. (Or imagine if he was left alone in a kitchen with Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty?! Those baby mice would even have a better chance of getting out alive…)

Come on…enough with the blatant Coca-Cola ads.

Its like a dream…a dream come true…its so cool… – Eunuch

This is a dual for the King of the Nokia, baby! – Randy

Ugh. People say they want Paula gone but frankly, Randy is more useless than tits on a bull, or whatever that expression is…

Ok. We get it. D-Cook and Eunuch are both really nice guys. And for all Cook’s smirks and lemon faces, I sincerely believe he’s a nice guy with a good head on his shoulders. And humility, which goes a long way.

Why is Andrew Lloyd Webber still hanging around?

Round 1 – Clive Davis’ Choice

D-Cook
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For (U2)

Over the past few weeks, I’ve discovered that when D-Cook does already-established rock songs, they just don’t do it for me like his “reinventions” of pop songs, such as Always Be My Baby and Hello. This is solid, and its nice to hear U2 on this show, as I suspect Bono could be a future mentor. I could have done without the “come on” midway through the song, but I know I’m already gonna like it better than the Elton John song the Eunuch is doing. Oh, Randy, shut the frak up. You’re just a moron. In Cook’s defense, it’s a bit difficult to do a lot with a song when it’s condensed to 1.5-2 minutes.

Eunuch
Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me
(Elton John)
First off, I despise this song, so the Eunuch singing it is akin to a slightly-bad dream. Not one where you wake up shaken and all sweaty but one of those where you just feel uneasy the next day until like, 11am. While he seems more alive there than usual and I’m sure the vocals were fine, it was a piece of shit filled with his piece of shit runs and more boring than anything else. I don’t care how perfect a person’s voice is – a perfect voice does not always equal a great song or performance. RANDY. SHUT THE FRAK UP. IF YOU SAY MOLTEN HOT ONE MORE TIME, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND TAKE AWAY YOUR STUPID BRACELETS. I hate the Eunuch’s reactions when the judges comment. He whimpers. Whimpers. And he’s licking his lips while whimpering. I can’t take it…showing sensitivity and gratefulness can be shown in other ways besides whimpering.

Round 2 – Shit Songwriting Contest Song

I am so tired of the boxing metaphor. And the intense standalone shots! Yikes!

D-Cook
Dream Big

This song is already way more tolerable than the bit I listened to…while the lyrics are shit (Does every winner’s circle song have to have the words faith and dream in them?), this song is more palpable than any other song given to the final 2 contestants to sing. Like if I was driving, I would probably keep this song on…I wouldn’t purchase it, but I would keep it on. Paula does nothing to dissuade complaints that her lines are written for her, as her commentary and critique now borderline on being actual quatrains.

Eunuch
In This Moment

Jesus. The song title just sums up how horrible it is before it even starts. I don’t think the Eunuch is humanly capable of singing non-quasi-message songs. Like his wires would all start crossing and things would malfunction and he would just start spurting out System Abort, System Abort…or some Chris Brown song, who knows. He’s now singing a note and bending over as if he has a sharp cramp on his left side. UGH! GREASY CONSTANTINE IS IN THE AUDIENCE! HE IS NODDING AND MAKING CREEPY SMARM FACES. LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY! If Randy uses the You Could Sing The Phone Book line once more, I’m going to beat his ass with a phonebook covered in molten hot lava while yelling Yo, DAWG, how does that feel? How you like it now Dawg. Is It MOLTEN HOT enough for you DAWG??

Whatever. That song sucked and once again, the Eunuch is being pimped out…

The Eunuch’s pimping ensues once more, just as I suspected it would all go down. It makes more financial sense, because they already know they’re going to make more money off Cook’s album, but if the Eunuch wins, they would be able to make more cash off him than if he came in second. When it comes down to it, its simple economics. Although the inevitable reality show featuring Father of Eunuch may be kind of amusing, especially if he leaves MILF-y Mother of Eunuch for Dina Lohan and they join forces in some deal with E! (which would mainly fall under the guidance of Seacrest), while also establishing a beard for the Eunuch with the teenaged Lohan girl who can’t get a driver’s license but is apparently allowed to get Restylene injections.

Wow. I am a master strategist, am I not?

Round 3 – Contestant’s Choice

D-Cook
The World I Know (Collective Soul)

This was actually his rumored song choice for last week’s show, so he apparently decided to save it for now. As per usual, Cook starts off slow, and will eventually build into the power notes. It is his trademark for every song and I cannot remember a performance, sans Andrew Lloyd Webber week, where he didn’t follow this method. While he didn’t build into the power notes as I thought he would…oh shit, he’s crying. But its okay if he cries because it’s just well, it’s just different from the Eunuch’s crocodile tears. The guy’s brother who is dying of brain cancer is in the audience with his nurse. He’s not whimpering, and he’s not using that whole back story for sympathy. Sure, his face can sometimes look smug, however, he actually displays depth and sincerity, almost moving me to a slight mist…almost…As Lola noted over IM, “Guess Simon’s complements about him being the nicest guy are supposed to be a consolation prize, but I would rather him lose so he doesn’t have to make the record they want.” Excellent point, but honestly, the one of the few honestly refreshing things about this season was the fact there was finally a contestant who didn’t use a tragic back story for sympathy votes.

And exactly! In defense of D-Cook, why should he do something he’s already done? Why not uh, do something different? The category wasn’t choosing a song from past performances. The Eunuch singing Imagine, which most would argue was his best performance of the whole show, well, that’s just manipulative.

(Why the hell didn’t I put money on the Eunuch on Thursday when I wanted to? What stopped me…I got paid on Friday…I knew it was the right thing to do…yet I didn’t. Lesson Learned: Must never second guess myself again.)

Eunuch
Imagine (John Lennon)

Groan. Ugh. And yeah, I’m writing this a minute before he even starts. Sorry, but its just so damn manipulative, however, I’m done caring. After all, I was going to try and make money off that whimpering Mormon kid, right? At least Rickey Minor gets some love. I want to hang out with Rickey Minor. You know Rickey Minor probably wants to beat the crap out of most of these snot-nosed kids’ asses.

I cannot watch this kid sing. You know how female singers, like Mariah Carey, Christina Augilara, et al, they just go with those big ass notes and people go crazy. Sure, sure, not everyone can do that, but there is a helluva lot more to singing and engaging with an audience than some big ass note. The Eunuch employs this same method, all melisma and flourish, but no meat. And frankly, I just can’t look at him anymore. It’s always like he’s about to have an asthma attack but can’t decide what he wants more, Blistex or his inhaler. Randy is about to jump out of his seat with his big bottle of Queen Helene’s Cocoa Butter Lotion and get on all fours to beg the Eunuch to help out with that dry skin on his back.

Can we just judge on sincerity of tears at this point? For reals. I hope people vote on the sincerity of male crying. If not…well, let’s point out the fact Cook did a shit song and made it halfway likable. The Eunuch sang one tired ballad after another, and 99% of his performances were carbon copies of each other. And I don’t watch shit network reality TV competitions to see people sing Christian Pop. That’s what the Kirk Cameron Channel, er, TBN (Which I thought actually stood for The Bible Network up until 2 years ago), is for, and I only watch that if I come home tipsy and can’t find anything better to do with my tipsy time. (Seriously, watch the show where Kirk Cameron and this tiny Australian guy go up to people standing in nightclub lines and ask the if they’ve accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and savior. Yeah, go up to a bunch of, uh, drunk people who watched Growing Pains as children when they’re waiting in line for a bar on a Saturday night…Naturally, unintentional hilarity ensues!)

Oh well…its not like I ever really cared who won this shit show to begin with, honest to Xenu…

I bet Clive Davis sleeps in one of those fancy oxygen tanks. Him and Rupert Murdoch, they totally must. They make Regis look spry. Damn. I really wish they didn’t cut the footage where Clive asked the Eunuch if he wanted a hard candy.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. pinky permalink
    May 21, 2008 2:03 pm

    I honestly can’t understand how the fianle became so one-sided. I really think the judges weren’t hearing the same crap from David Archuletta that we were at home. His songs all sounded the same. I have been blah with all the contestants this year, but David Cook is certainly more marketable. For once in the last few years why can’t the right person win the show?

  2. denissepangan permalink
    May 21, 2008 12:52 pm

    hahaha… that was really funny… I hope DC wins too…

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