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American Idol Finals: The Good, The Bad & The Downright Creepy

May 21, 2008

You’ve got to be kidding me. Is this some sick baptismal ritual? Come now, even the Eunuch must be about ready to lose it, standing there in some all-white t-shirt ensemble while facing D-Cook in an all-white suit (no tie)…what is this? See. Now I just couldn’t do that and hold a straight face. Wait. I just wouldn’t do that, period. I would seriously say to the producers: You out of your mind, honkey?

Ugh. I literally just pressed pause to go pour myself a bit more Dran-O and it seems that, is it that Holly Robinson Peete chick? I’m not sure, but I realize, standing directly over your daughter’s shoulder is GREASY CONSTANTINE and he is, naturally staring DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA. His mouth is in some strange position, it reminds me of what my (dead) Grandma Daley would look like after removing her teeth. I think he’s I just caught him mid-smarmy mouth with my Tivo pause, who knows.

But 1 minute in and I’m already subjected to creepy cult purification rituals AND Greasy Constantine? This is not looking good, folks, not looking good.

97.5 million votes…smashing the record by over 23 million. 56% vs. 44%.

CHIKIEZE! Why the hell did you let Randy borrow your suit and put white ric-rac on that shit?

Mikalah Gordon. I still don’t understand how they haven’t found a sex tape on that girl. This Matt Rogers person is surrounded by a bunch of young & blond Children of the Corn.

Eeek. The Top 12 is in white. Recycled outfits from Idol Gives Back, perhaps? At least they straightened Kristy Lee Cook’s hair. Everyone is in white! Bizarre cult ritual! Even those Think You Can Dance People. They should let David Hernandez show off more of his dancing skills. YES! Janice Dickinson! Never saw her that enthusiastic about anything on America’s Next Top Model. She actually mouthed out I LOVE YOU!

First Commercial Break: :06 – :09

Oh good. Cook and the Eunuch back in more proper attire. Guess they’re singing the power ballad Hero from Spiderman. Gee, its just funny hearing how the Eunuch has no clue what to do except sing it all ballad-y and runny and stuff. He is completely overpowered and overshadowed by Cook.

You know the Eunuch is so scared he’s not gonna win and his Daddy’s gonna beat him senseless. SPIRITUAL ADVISIOR??

Guru Pitka? Huh? Of course…Mike Meyers’ The Love Guru plug. At least we get to see a little Verne Troyer. I bet the Eunuch covered his face for most of the film.

I think my favorite scene was the bar fight…Kind of brought me back to what I was doing before the show. — Cook

I liked the weird random sitar music videos. — Eunuch

Cook is wondering what the hell he got himself into…the Eunuch just smiles. You know he is totally weirded out by those edgy PG-13 body hair jokes.

Ok. Watching that was better than the group sing. Guess “Guru Pitka” is the supposed biggest star in the world. Wow. This show does nothing but shill whatever it can. And speaking of Mariska Hargitay, I wish she were in the audience. Mariska Hargitay rocks. I love Mariska Hargitay.

How many people have predicted the winner’s name will be David? And people still laughed at that joke?

Coretta Scott Mercado & Seal
Waiting For You

Now this really isn’t too bad. Although she should sing it with a bit more power. She’s up there with Seal, for chrissake. Seal is the luckiest bastard to ever walk the earth, btw. He was homeless. Then he releases a few hit songs and then marries a hot ass German supermodel. Most men, and even women, should bow to Seal, as he is living the dream of all people.

2nd Commercial Break :20 – :25

Stoner J
Hallelujah

Yay! He’s back and singing Hallelujah! So good. I love Stoner J. Even if he publicly denies blazing up. He’s just gotta keep it clean for 19 Entertainment b/c they still have him by the balls until the end of the tour.

OH WOW. IT’S A TOP 12 REUNION THAT’S ALSO A FORD COMMERCIAL. No wait. Its more like a montage of all the other Ford Commercials with a new(?) song.

Oh come on Eunuch, Like you didn’t know the second place finisher always gets a car. You’re just scared that you’re Daddy’s gonna sell it if you lose so he and your MILF-y mom can take a vacation while you’re locked in your windowless cellar singing Castle on a Cloud from Les Miz. Don’t be scared, Eunuch, don’t be scared. Hush, now, little Eunuch. Everything is going to be alright…

Top 6 Chicks Group Sing
She Works Hard For The Money

Wow. I forgot how much I’ve missed the completely unenthusiastic looks of Amanda Overmyer during the group sings. She looks like she would rather be shot. I LOVE HER. Oh Carly, you were so robbed…so robbed. Now we got Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo happening and Donna Summer comes out. (And I just keeping thinking about that SNL skit Simmer Donna.) I wonder if she’s using the same blinged out mic that Mariah used, or is this her own blinged out microphone. I could see Mariah Carey having issues with other people using her blinged out sound equipment.

Hey, do you think they let Coretta stay up with Donna because she finished third or because she’s the only black chick? She just sang with Seal for chrissake. I think Carly may have sounded kind of cool up there, but whatever, Coretta Scott Mercado is the only black chick. Is this a valid question or am I being ignorant?

3rd Commercial Break :35 – :39

Yay! Carly Smithson AND Michael Johns
The Letter

I saw a clip of them singing on Ellen and I kind of like the idea of them being a duo for some reason, like a new-fangled Ashford & Simpson with cool accents. Awww, Sexy Aussie is such a Sexy Aussie. Yeah. These two went home way too soon. Way too soon. I like them. I think I want them to dump their respective spouses and run off together, is that so wrong of me? Yeah, it is…but they just got some chemistry together, ya know? But that kind of crap only happens on Dancing With The Stars.

Jimmy Kimmel has arrived. Sanjaya as valet joke, quick scan to Sanjaya in audience where it does kind of look as if he is wearing a valet’s uniform. May God Bless the new American Idol…whomever he may be? Was Jimmy being ironic?

Top 6 Guys
Summer of 69

Yay! Sexy Aussie! Then David Hernandez and Stoner J. Chikieze! Love you Chikieze! And here come the Davids oh Christ, please do not tell me they have made this a Bryan Adams medley so the Eunuch could sing a BALLAD. And a ballad entitled Heaven, of course. Here comes Bryan Adams singing some new song. I’m kind of annoyed that they just all couldn’t sing Summer of 69. Seriously. I’m sure it had something to do with the Eunuch being physically unable to sing anything with a rock beat. Sure, he may be able to do it in the midst of a group sing like to I Need Somebody, but on his own, no way.

Bo Bice! Bo Bice! I love you Bo, but sometimes I just want to give you a V05 Hot Oil Treatment.

4th Commercial Break :50 — :53

Jordin Sparks is like, singing at the Magic Kingdom or something. Because she’s pimping out The American Idol Experience, debuting at Disney’s MGM Studios in January.

Wow. The rumors WERE true. ZZ Top is here! Sweet!

D-Cook & ZZ Top
Sharp Dressed Man

Love it. Love it. I loved ZZ Top ever since the Legs video where they gave the sweet girl a makeover and then she went in and shit all over everyone who was mean to her. See? ZZ Top are great guys. I’m fairly impressed with Cook’s guitar skills when playing with a couple of legends. I’m gathering that he doesn’t really care who wins at this point, after all, his parents are just proud of him regardless of what he does. There’s no chance that losing the title could get him locked in a windowless cellar until its time to go on tour.

Brooke White & Graham Nash
Teach Your Children

I almost gagged on my Spicy Maki when I heard the song choice. Ugh. Of course she’s gonna love this song, but seriously, if she’s going to play the guitar barefoot, she really needs to keep the soles of her feet clean. And now they’re playing videos of random children in the background. People are just way too pro-children these days.

5th Commercial break 1:02 – 1:06

Ok, so these are The Jonas Brothers. I’ve seen some pictures of them online and I think one of them looks like a younger, uber-wholesome Adrian Grenier doppleganger. See, I have a natural aversion for singers who ask me to clap my hands, to come on, et al. It’s kind of like begging, ya know? If I feel moved to clap my hands, I’ll clap my damn hands. Uh, why does the one kid have a faux-LV logo print guitar?

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it annoying when Ryan takes an elderly audience member and brings them up on stage and tells them how all the kids are doing it or how iPhones are the new things, yada yada yada…

It can’t be an AI finale without showing some of the season’s terrible auditions. Yay! They’re bringing out Renaldo! HE IS OUR BROTHER! I love him. Now all I can ask for is for Valentina Hasan to make her American stage debut. That would be awesome. Renaldo is awesome. I will always consider him my brother and best friend forever.

6th Commercial Break 1:12 – 1:17

One Republic performs Apologize. This is one of those songs I think I might like when it starts, but I can never listen to the entire thing all-the-way through. This guy’s vocals are not good. Those high notes. Ouch. He really needs some studio fixing. Uh oh. Here comes Eunuch. I just realized something. I want to see what the Eunuch looks like when he’s ANGRY. Can you imagine? Actual steam may come out of his ears. Now him doing this song with One Republic, sans the ridiculously over-the-top series of runs, is probably the most I’ve ever liked that kid on stage. In my opinion, that was the best he’s ever done.

People in Utah are a completely different breed. Wow. Such blank expressions.

Jordin Sparks
One Step At A Time

I kind of like Jordin Sparks, and yeah, I kind of like this song, just like I like No Air and Tattoo. Leave me alone. I like Jordin frakking Sparks and I’m not ashamed to admit it. With that being said, what was she thinking wearing day-glo orange nail polish with a shimmering gold lame dress. Her stage moves need a little work but the kid’s got undeniable talent. It’s also nice to see she didn’t go anorexic in the year following her win, a la Carrie Underwood, who just looks way too thin these days.

(Wow. I just sounded like a pathetically catty chick. Guess it happens sometimes. Alas.)

7th Commercial Break 1:25 – 1:30

Uh Oh. I think its that “Dead Elvis” thing, but with Gladys Knight “auditioning” Pips. Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. I think Downey is the best because he’s not over-hamming it up a la Black & Stiller. He’s a bit more subtle in his delivery.

I have yet to understand the point of this portion of the Finale show.

Ugh. Carrie Underwood singing Last Name. See? Way too thin, even if she’s come a LONG way in stage presence than when she was on this show. She still bugs me and she always will, but she does have one thing going for her: She is not Kellie Pickler. Speaking of Pickler-ish things, did Carrie Underwood get implants?

But I got a bigger question for her:

Does Jesus Take The Wheel when you’re making the drive of shame back from the house of the guy whose Last Name you don’t know?

8th Commercial Break 1:38 – 1:43

Top 12 singing…FAITH?

And that’s not Faith as in Magical Underpants Faith. It’s like George Michael’s Faith, where you have to have faith you’re gonna run into that special stranger in the park bathroom. Obviously Mormon Brooke could just sing the gotta have faith part, as she would not be as bold as Kristy Lee singing if I could touch your body.

Now the guys are singing Father Figure, obviously, so the Eunuch can sing. But notice how these are all being started off by the Sexy Aussie himself? Yes, indeed, I suspect this guy may have a decent and well-deserved career. Seriously. He is not going to be heading down the Path of Grease & Smarm mapped out by Greasy Constantine. I think he just might have something.

David Hernandez did some odd whisper thing, but lemme just tell you, I still adore Chikieze. And Stoner J, of course. But whenever I think of this song, I just think of George Michael singing it to some young boy in a park bathroom.

Now we got guys and girls singing Freedom. See, this is what I’m talking about. Kristy Lee needs a stylist 24/7. She actually looks decent tonight. Last night, she was wearing vintage Contempo Casuals. Tonight, her hair is straight and she’s got cleavage galore.

GEORGE MICHAEL IS HERE. Ooooh, If I could only see a him and Randy in a death match for the Eunuch’s hand and honor.

BTW, I actually do like George Michael. Everyone should hear Cowboys & Angels, from the Freedom album. Frakking incredible. But tonight he’s singing about God’s Children or something because, after all, this is AMERICAN IDOL.

Paula is crying. Paula has been standing almost the entire episode. George Michael gets a standing ovation.

9th Comercial Break 1:52 – 1:56 (Shit. If my Tivo cuts this off…)

Ok. Let’s not hear Randy talk. Let’s hurry this up before my Tivo cuts it off. Wow, Paula just rattles this crap off now…hmmm….WOW. Simon apologized to David Cook. WOW. Nice. See? It was a good idea he stuck up for himself last night. He had every reason to do so.

My Tivo just cut off right after Ryan said “The Winner is David —“ BEEP

I blame Randy. Frakking Randy, you suck dawg, you suck!

Ok. Now I know who winner is because I checked my email…wow, I’m surprised they let it happen. Wait, I think I know what happened, so I’m gonna go with…Well done. Let’s hope the Eunuch doesn’t get his ass kicked by Daddy on the way back to Salt Lake City.

Yay for David Cook! Let’s hope you get your ass back to KC for a few hours real soon, and don’t forget to partake in some delicious Gates BBQ!

I guess I’ll have to watch the Finale-Finale on YouTube. Sigh…this always seems to happen to me…YES! Already posted!

MAGIC RAINBOW? MAGIC RAINBOW? This song talks about a MAGIC FRAKKING RAINBOW? Ugh…I’ll taste every moment of its complete and utter suckiness. Oh who cares, the right person actually won. The song sucks but imagine how bad it would be if the Eunuch was doing it.

(And to the person who couldn’t answer their phone after emailing me the outcome-in-so-many-words, right as my Tivo cut out on me…you know who you are. I’m shaking my head and tsk-ing at you right now. Wi-Fi doesn’t work properly in living room…you were the next best thing to going online when that stupid Tivo beeped! Tsk! Bad! Tsk!)

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. spinshack permalink
    May 23, 2008 7:08 am

    Eunuch as you call him, my S.O. named him Little Winky Bat Face for his resemblance to that kid in the Munsters… seemed okay with the second place. I feel for the kid with that weird Pop of his. When we saw that Guitar Hero commercial featuring Cook during the show we figured he had won. Nice little subtle clue.

  2. TopIdol permalink
    May 22, 2008 12:46 pm

    UnitsGuy had a good point. Kristy Lee does seem like one of those hot girls who are just teases and once you do get them into bed, they’re “dead fish.” I can’t look at her now without having flashbacks to that horrible video she filmed for her “album.”

  3. UnitsGal permalink
    May 22, 2008 11:57 am

    I wanna know why Gay Porn got two solos and the Spicy Spring Roll didn’t get any. She was in the top 10 and he wasn’t if I remember correctly.
    UnitsGuy had two delectable quotes last night the first about kristy lee cook “Oh that girl, she’s pretty but completely lacks sex appeal. You can TELL she has just no interest in sex” And upon the finale “Wow, maybe a Democrat CAN win the election, my faith in the American people has been renewed”

  4. pinky permalink
    May 22, 2008 1:15 am

    At least the right person won. I forgot about that gay porn kid and wish I had never been reminded that he even existed. For some reason he bugs the shit out of me. But I actually thought Archuletta did really well on that One Republic song. It’s amazing how much better these kids sound when the songs are picked for them.

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