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San Francisco: Take the Trolley to Sucky Town

January 20, 2009

Ah…there is no better way to watch American Idol than under the influence of prescription painkillers! Tonight, let’s go to San Francisco!

Audition #1
Tatiana Del Toro 

The show starts off with an obvious loser. Some Puerto Rican chick who is obviously very full over herself and overdressed in some ugly skinny chola get-up. Then she starts talking about how she saw a psychic friend who is NEVER wrong. Jesus, Idol. Could you make it like, oh, a little difficult for us? And whoa. Does this chick need to stop laughing. And talking. The people around her are laughing at her. 

I also don’t trust people who bring in notebooks. She needs some Brite White of better Photoshoppers if she’s gonna model. Anyway, she’s better than I had expected but…her personality is atrocious. And her voice is boring. Just b/c you can carry a tune doesn’t mean you don’t suck. Jesus, she brow beat them into getting to Hollywood. Christ, I wish this girl would SHUT UP. No, you’re not going to win and win again. You’re going to Hollywood and then you’re going home and this twit has gotten too much face time already. Shoot her.

Audition #2
Nick Reed (Age 17)

Awkward Ginger Emo bets his buddy a case of PBR that he can try out for Idol and make it on TV. Ginger Emo makes it on TV. Ginger Emo wins case of PBR.

Audition #3
Jiayi Yu (Age 16)

Awkward Hot Topic Asian Teenager inexplicably sings Starships’ We Built This City on Rock & Roll. Must have been another bet. 

Audition #4
Dean-Anthony Bradford (Age 27)

Quirky jacket guy has listed his occupation as “entreprenuer”. These things always make me giggle. He sings Simply Red. He simply sucks. Simon says his car color is unnatural. Quirky jacket guy denies it, saying “The carpet matches the drapes.”

Audition #5
Jesus Valenzula (Age 29)

The self-professed family man named after the christ child will most likely make it. Why? Because he is a wholesome hispanic family man and Idol knows they need to tap into the Hispanic population (hence the PR auditions) in order to try and get their ratings back up. Oh yeah. And because Idol loves wholesome family shit. Simon says no. Jesus smartly plays the always-effective kiddies, kittens & puppies card and brings his two young sons in. Randy, Kara and Paula override simon. One of them still hugs Simon. Hearts melt. And no kittens and puppies have been sacrificed for this golden ticket.

Audition #6
Dalton Powell (Age 18)

Do these people honestly believe putting “Unemployed” as the occupation on the application will illicit sympathy votes? This guy sucks, but between his Rubik’s Cube stuff and potentially quick wit. Yeah, he seems semi-smart. So I hope he goes to college and gets a job. 

Audition #7
James Smith (Age 27)

“Just because they have Gusto doesn’t mean they have the voice.” — Sage Seacrest
Yup. Pull the plug on this one.  

Images from San Francisco’s Summer of Love are narrated by Ryan “I Wanna Drink Harvey’s Milk” Seacrest. This segues into some nonsense about a battle between Simon and Kara. Blah blah blah…

Either my percocet is really kicking in or they actually are looking at anatomical diagrams of a trachea. 

Simon uses the word “naughty” for the second time in the evening. 

Audition #8
Akilah Askew-Gholston (Age 26)

Now why the hell is this chick even using her married name AT ALL? Akilah Askew? Now that shit has some character. She’s singing an original called I Wanna Make Sweet Love To You, which sounds a lot like something I once heard Chef sing on South Park, but without the I wanna lay you down by the fire lyric. Whoa. She wants a do-over on Natural Woman because she started singing from the WRONG RECTUM. Love it. Akilah Askew’s rectums are all askew! Aiklah is 26…a rough 26. She is sweating. She is talking fast. I think she is a crackhead. And I am confused with what is going on now. But I think she is gone.

 

After the break, I think there’s a Cook wannabe…and, of course, a heartwarming story about a boy and his mother! All this and more right after this special message from Coca Ford!

After the commercial break, Ryan announces there’s been a “frenzy of golden tickets” as the “judges just keep the love coming”. Huh? I think I’ve seen 2 people go through and one of them only because she probably gave someone a lap dance while singing Livin’ La Vida Loca

Oh, I am so happy that this nonsense only lasts for ONE HOUR tonight! Whoo hoo! Yippee!

John Twiford

Audition #9
John Twiford (Age 27)

Oh, we’ve heard this name before now, haven’t we? I believe we have, thanks to our trusty detectives over there at VFTW. One look at Twiford, and I think about all those ConFrau who may find a new object of obsession. I already despise his puppy dog lothario facial expressions

Audition #10
Allison Iraheta (Age 16)

High school student with funky Manic Panic hair always reigns supreme over dumb perky blonde singing cheerleaders.

Raquel Houghton and Dane Cook

Audition #11
Raquel Houghton (Age 28)

Ah, one those big plants we’ve heard so much about. Ms. Houghton used to date douchebag Dane Cook, the comedian who leveraged his career on MySpace and fell into annoying douchebag status as quickly as it takes to say “Facebook” and “Jessica Simpson”. Houghton, a waitress/bartender based in LA, is almost a spitting image for oh, what was the name of that chick who dated Clooney? Sarah something? Also a cocktail waitress/bartender. Oh yeah. She sang Dusty Springfield. I already forgot. Boring. She won’t be long for Idol world and she can go back to golddigging.

Audition #12
Annie Murdoch (Age 28)

I think this chick may be a meth head. The scattered thoughts, the red blemishes surrounding the face…Annie isn’t drunk? She’s just doing the crystal! NEXT!

Audition #13
Adam Lambert (Age 26)

Another contestant whose name has popped up several times since last summer’s auditions. Lambert once performed on stage in some shit show Hollywood stage production of The Ten Commandments: The Musical alongside Val Kilmer (playing Moses) and the annoying chick from Curly Sue. Fashion designer Max Azria also had something to do with it. In any case, the shit flopped big time. Lambert is all about the musical theater. He could be fun. He also comes off as slightly sexually ambiguous, which will turn many prospective Fraus into a tizzy. Especially when they see the Cook-lite hair and sparkling blue eyes. And guess what? He’s singing Queen’s Bohemian Rhaspody (always referred to as BoRap in the Crazy ConFrau circles…they claim Greasy Constantine Maroulis’ version on Season 4 of Idol was totally up there with the late Freddie Mercury’s original. Um, yeah…) 

Just a few notes and and he’s totally better than Greasy Constantine. Very theatrical. But Bohemian Rhapsody is a VERY theatrical song. Hmmm…anyway, he’s in. He tells Paula he was blowing kisses to her when he saw her in concert at age 10. Me thinks Adam is gay. Which means it will be fun to do some Frau watching. Most can never come to terms with that whole “it’s not just man-woman” thing.  

QUINTESSENTIAL HEARTWARMING FINALE!!!!
Please Note: They are playing Over The Rainbow, but the original uke version, not Stoner J’s cover.
Boy loves his mother. Awwww…kind of like Mamma Yamin and her Elliott. Sniff. Sniff. 

Kai Kalama

Audition #14 
Kai Kalama (Age 26)

Oooh, I love Smoke Gets In Your Eyes. Such a beautiful song. The last time I heard that song was 2 years ago, in Amsterdam. And if you heard The Platters classic in Amsterdam before, you were probably sitting in the audience of the same theater I visited. And I must admit, it was an impressive talent. I like Kai. He kind of looks like Citizen Cope crossed with John Legend. Yes. Kai. Kai is my favorite. I’m fine with his showmanship. I like his choice in music. And I’ve seen much worse on a cruise ship, trust me. Oh, Kai. I like you. 

12 tickets were given to those who auditioned in SF. Yawn. Oh shut that dumb del Toro twit up. PLEASE. Good thing there is no way in hell she’s making it past Hollywood.

UH OH. Guess who shows up tomorrow? With the scripted-Seacrest intro of “…but true talent prevails”, we’re shown footage of Joanna “JOPLANTA” Pacitti weeping her crocodile tears of happiness. Can it, ya stupid plant. How much you are you making with that single on Britney Spears’ album? Am I supposed to feel sorry for you b/c you sucked as Annie and Geffen dropped you? Go join a harem in Brunai or sing at 5-star in Tokyo to make some coin. 

Ah, American Idol, the place to go when you’ve failed everywhere else!

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Hailey Lara permalink
    February 20, 2009 6:18 am

    You’ve got to be kidding. The judges called Aliison Iraheta “raw natural Talent” and Paula called her “dark Horse”

  2. shy permalink
    January 21, 2009 10:46 pm

    wow u know ur blog is funny but i gotta say dat twitford iz NO CONSTANTINE LOL he doesnt have da “i’m gonna come get chu look….in da alley” hes doesnt have da cream factor lolz and plz tell ryan to come out of da closet

  3. maxhate permalink
    January 21, 2009 9:31 pm

    Kara may be super awesome or she may be the definition of suck. I think 4 might just be too many judges. She doesn’t come off well giving Simon shit, because he is the driving force of the show, without whom idol would not exist. I’m calling it now, she is done after this season unless she really begins to add something in Hollywood.

  4. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    January 21, 2009 3:40 pm

    Lambert is the only memorable contestant to date. Everyone else fades away next to him. I can’t tell what Simon thinks of him but he could go pretty far.

  5. maxhate permalink
    January 21, 2009 2:24 am

    Tonight was a watershed night for at least 4 men. Tatiana made it so. Those four men were chilling out tonight relaxing and perhaps deciding what movie to watch while their girlfriends were watching Idol and heard that laugh. That f’ing laugh. Did they begin to sweat? Did their stomach turn? Did they know for a fact they would be unable to become erect for 24 hours? Did they have a flashback to the first night they drunkenly met? Did the night they decided that they had put in too much effort not to hook-up with her because alcohol had dulled the hearing for a few precious hours come flooding back? The memory of that next morning was there. The memory of the first time they heard that laugh hungover must have been too much. There are 4 guys across our great land that spent the rest of the night struggling to get her out of their mind in vain because they know that Tatiana will always be with them. Tonight 4 guys excused themselves, sat in the dark, and cried.

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