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Louisville Slug Her: The Arrival of Joanna Pacitti

January 22, 2009

Tonight is the night of Joanna Pacitti, aka, Joplanta — THE BIGGEST PLANT IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN IDOL.

Tonight’s show starts out with some southern music, some crowd shots (Seriously, do white girls wearing similar dresses with similar oversized hats really help give the Southern U.S. a better reputation? Save that shit for Derby Weekend.), previews of the evening’s “talent” (JOPLANTA!) and other mindless drivel as narrated by Ryan Seacrest, aka The Anderson Cooper for those who ride the short bus.

Oh how cute. They’re auditioning at Churchill Downs.

DAY 1 in Louisville

Audition #1
Tiffany Shedd (Age 18 )

I think higher education is one of the best things a person can do for themselves, but I wonder what college this chick could get it to if her audition doesn’t work out. She looks like the chick in a brothel, circa 1962 who was forced to take clients underneath the front porch. Even the most unfashionable of drag queens wouldn’t take makeup advice from this chickadee. And of course, SHE SUCKS. She is making noises I have only ever before heard come from colostomy bags. Wow. Parents really need to start being more honest with their children rather than continuously feed them “positive reinforcements”. 

Audition #2
Joanna Pacitti (Age 23)

Oh come on. I love how her “mother” rehearsed that bit. Oh, she is crying. Why aren’t they bringing up how she was chosen to be Annie and then unceremoniously booted? Oh and look, Kara even admits to knowing her when she was on A&M records. Ha. Idol thinks if they admit to these contestants formerly having contracts, they’re totally in the clear. Ha. Ha. Ha. OMG. Her occupation is listed as UNEMPLOYED. If she is unemployed, why is she writing songs that show up on Britney Spears’ CDs? I’m sure she’s getting a regular check for that gig, or even the original songs she performed that appeared on the Bratz and Legally Blonde 2 soundtracks. I hate this bitch. I hate her fake tears. Listen, Joanna, you’ve failed this many times, no one wants you. American Idol is your last shot at the fame you’ve been so desperately chasing since you were a kid. You are pathetic. Quit this unconfident crap, Joplanta, and your fake little tears. And Idol, stop playing the triumphant Avril Lavigne song in the background.  Joanna Pacitti should be ineligible for this competition. She makes all the other plants look like tiny seedlings deprived of water. 

Audition #3
Mark Mudd (Age 25)

A storied family history involving John Wilkes Boothe AND a bolo tie. You already know this is not going anywhere good. He gets booted. Simon accuses Mudd of threatening them with his farewell of Be careful in whatever you do. Oh such drama.

Audition #4
Brent Keith Smith (Age 28)

This meathead in a Seacrest hand-me-down T-shirt is going to sing Bad Company’s Can’t Get Enough of Your Loving. Not everyone knows Bad Company actually had other songs that were not named after their band. (I still don’t why a band would sing a song also titled with the same name of the band but anyway…) This meathead is BRENT KEITH SMITH! Another one of this season’s infamous plants. Brent Keith Smith finished in 6th place on Nashville Star a few years ago and has done a bunch of other crap, including having a song featured on a film soundtrack. Frauen are gonna eat Brent Keith Smith up, I guarantee it. His Hicks-ian movements will be excused because of his conventional blond hair and blue-eyed All-American boy looks. Kara acts as if she just experienced the highest in carnal delights when gave him his ticket to Hollywood. Oh, these plants are boring me.

Audition #5 
Irene Angueloba (Age 28)

More bad polka dots. What the hell is that? And it sure as hell can’t be 28. And come on. She’s a “Toothbrush Company Employee”. This is all just a really stupid joke. Send it back to her trailer with a pack of GPCs and a bottle of Gordon’s Gin.

Audition #6
Obianuju Omwuraj (Age 19)

It squeaked. She reminded me of the intended bride for Eddie Murphy’s Prince Akeem in Coming To America. No wonder he wanted to go to Queens and work at MacDowell’s.  

Wil Heuser goes cross-eyed

Auditon #7
Will Heuser (Age 20)

Oh, here’s the guy who made a bet with his buddies to see if he could get on TV during the Idol audition rounds. Was the bet for a bottle of Maker’s Mark or a half-ounce of week? We will never know..but I bet he gets to use the clip on his cable access variety show.

THE PART OF THE SHOW WHERE YOU ARE TOLD ECCENTRIC GAY MEN ARE BAD BAD BAD!!!

Have you noticed how predictable Idol is? Halfway through each ep, we get 2-3 flaming homosexuals belting out diva songs or dressing in whacked out costumes. These are grouped together because hey, American Idol is a family show the kids at home need to know gay people are weird and different and you should stay away from them or else they will TURN YOU GAY!!!

Audition #8
Ryan Benningfield (Age 23)

Ryan doing another tired channeling of 80s attire with his riveted, neon pink belt and “quirky” mask topped off with a faux-fur zebra vest. How sweet. You spent $150 at Hot Topic for your audition (including the glitter and face paint). He sings about a zebra. Oh, I so feel for these gay kids in Kentucky.

Patrick Warren

Audition #9
Patrick Warren (Age 28)

Patrick’s occupation is “Ice Cream Server” which is probably made-up and just a clear jab at him b/c you know, he’s like, overweight. He wears a t-shirt that says Patrick. He wears a fedora. He sings Billie Jean. He is probably completely harmless, but $10 says Dateline’s Chris Hansen is already organizing a sting on this poor guy. 

GAY MEN ARE FREAKS SECTION CONCLUDES. NOW LETS SHOW YOU SOMEONE “NORMAL” AND GOOOOOOD BECAUSE HE PLAYS DUELING PIANOS AND HAS A GIRLFRIEND WHO IS SITTING WITH HIM IN THE WAITING ROOM

Matt Giraud

Audition #10
Matt Giraud (Age 23)

The only version I have ever liked of this, ironically, was Bo Bice’s cover of it during Season 4. The ladies think Matt is unique. Matt reminds Simon of Elliott, and then proceeds to tell him he doesn’t believe in himself. Randy just jumps in to say some stupid ass Randy catchphrase, like “get yo’ swag on”. Which makes no sense. Does he want him to go scam for free shit? (Hmmm…this puts much of last season’s Tour antics in perspective). Blah blah blah. Next.

Audition #11
Ross Plavsic (Age 26)

Another one of ’em “genius” boys that have been popping up this year. Plavsic is singing Cara Mia but it sounds like a death march sung by those who are already half dead.  Horny Kara wants him to take off his tie. That was boring. Now Paula is all getting freaked out about Plavsic using her straw and cup. Yawn. Like she didn’t catch anything when she was carousing around with MC Scat Cat.

(Wait. How am I only HALFWAY through this show???) Now we see annoying recap of those we already know who have made it. And I guess we’re moving onto Day 2….I hate this show so damn much.)

DAY 2 in Louisville

Church hats go well on Randy Jackson

Church hats go well on Randy Jackson

 

Audition #1
Alexis Grace (Age 20)

I don’t need to hear her sing, but I know I already hate this chick. She’s a 21-year-old stay-at-home mom with a too-perfect little name. Oh. Like that’s a good thing? Yes, yes, that whole Abstinence Only Eduction plan did a lot for public schools, didn’t it?  So let me guess…she got pregnant, had her kid and said bye-bye to her hopes and dreams. (Unpauses Tivo) YES! And cue to the photo of the toddler’s father who is, you guessed it, in military school. And her daughter is a “gift from god”. All the while Marc Cohn’s Walking in Memphis plays in the background. Sigh. Yes, different voice from what I expected, but I don’t know…how long can she keep those notes up? Is she gimmicky? Meh. Who knows. Who cares. Paula told her she loved her. Randy feels slighted. Lots of congratulations, Horny Kara says something about making love…

(At this rate, Kara DioGuardi is going to be the Air Force Amy of American Idol.)

And after the Ford Cola served in an Hotel For Dogs commercial break, Idol promises some “crazy” dude and, of course, one of those heartwarming stories. What will it be tonight, kiddies? Blindness? Lupus? Homelessness? Dead Second Cousin? Well you’re gonna have to stay tuned to find out!

Aaron Williamson

Audition #2
Aaron Williamson (Age 27)

LOVE HIM! Why? Because he said he wants to me “America’s next TOP IDOL”!!! Thanks for the shoutout! Anyway, Aaron goes to sing a little CCR and the judges act as if they’ve heard tornado sirens. I think Paula is getting hot for him even he kind of just screams. Horny Kara / Air Force Amy once again mimics one of those Meg Ryan faux-gasms. He has to say good-bye. It’s okay Aaron, some stupid bastard from a past life once told me I was too intense once. I feel for ya, man.

Audition #3
Rebecca Garcia (Age 24)

Semi-Anorexic Girl from morning news. She has an odd right wrist bandage which she starts talking about was because she was feeling nervous…Simon cuts her off. I do not want to call her Semi-Anorexic Cutting Girl. She’s getting a masters in eduction and I hope this is not her preferred way to deal with stressful situations.  She sings Carrie Underwood’s song about the dude cheating. She does not open her eyes once. Ah, the band was to conceal the lyrics written on her wrist? On her application she says she was voted Most Humorous in high school. Apparently, she was not joking. Ok. Well I hope she’s not a cutter. But most of all, I hope her momma buys her a double cheeseburger.

Audition #4
Kris Allen (Age 23)

Boring bland soul shit. And he kind of conveys a Blake Lewis douchiness with that cap.

Audition #5
Felicia Barton (Age 26) 

Simon obviously thinks she is hot. Judging by some of the chicks I’ve seen get in this year, that’s often all it takes. She is pretty typical. Pretty damn dull. I’ve heard her voice a zillion times before.

Audition #6
Ryan Johnson (Age 27)

A railroad worker with David Cook-esque hair. Didn’t hear enough of his semi-soulful schtick.

Audition #7
Sheila Lawrence (Age 26) 

Kind of old school soul? Not sure. Didn’t hear enough of her. Yawn.

GET READY FOR TODAY’S HEARTWARMING AUDITION! And the winning obstacle to overcome is…POVERTY!!!

Leneshe Young

Audition #8
Leneshe Young (Age 18)

She’s singing a Leneshe original called Natty. The girl has some talent. It wasn’t a bad song whatsoever. I kind of like this girl, she’s a bit quirky and seems really sweet. I will actually agree with Kara when she said that this has been the first girl who actually seems “original”. My icy heart thaws for just a moment. Not much, but you know, it did thaw a teeny tiny bit.

Okay, my fair readers. I don’t care if you fantard over this Idol crap 365 days of the year, but please, I implore you, do whatever you can to make sure Joplanta gets sent home ASAP. Even if the show is blatantly fixed (Hello? Coretta Scott Mercado finished THIRD), you can still do your part by ensuring this chick just lives out the rest of her career as an “entertainer” for a billionaire Sultan. It will be a win-win situation, I promise.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. pvdugas permalink
    January 25, 2009 7:15 pm

    She’s a plant plain and simple!

  2. January 23, 2009 3:44 am

    Joanna Pacitti could get through at least a few rounds on looks alone, regardless of her singing

  3. shy permalink
    January 22, 2009 4:26 pm

    hmmm interesting analysis of this hshow i must agree with u dis bs is totally rigged and da whole world knows thanx 2 um.. u guessed it big mouth connie boy it doesnt matter i have feelings about who will make da final cut but 4 da past three years i have only watched these mediocre ridiculous auditions bcuz i enjoy laffing at da idiots who cant sing a lick i knew dis bs show was rigged once con was gone cuz whether u like em or not he was better den da fat wife beating slob i might watch da finale but dats it man it pisses me off i can sing i cant go 2 ai bcuz of personal reasons n dat puerto rican bytch could not sing wdh? all about exposure(coughs)constantine… for them and slow brainwashing i respect talent dats it and for those who got more power to them lol gotta say dis blog is sometime worthy of admiration…

  4. January 22, 2009 5:39 am

    I was the one (Ross Bradley Plavsic) on the show.

    I had a lot of misapplied techniques in my performance, one of which caused voice fatigue which caused my “scratchy throat” feeling.

    However, I’m a better singer now, and I’m working on spoken word pieces as well. For more info, see my youtube page.

    youtube.com/rushandruleit

  5. maxhate permalink
    January 22, 2009 2:54 am

    The plants are beginning to become quite annoying. It’s like producing a show that is dedicated to finding the next true unknown inexperienced actor and then placing 7 contestants that have 8 credits each on IMDB. It isn’t necessarily fraud, but it certainly is lame. The counter argument is that they are trying to find people with talent and there just aren’t that many people in the world with great voices and a stage presence. There does, however, seem to be plenty of queen’s in every American city.

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