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Jacksonville Jerkoff: American Idol Auditions hit FLA

January 28, 2009

This is the last week for this shit, right? I’m watching Seacrest flirt with Simon in the back of a limo and I’ve already had enough before the shitetous intro begins. Am I going to have to take another Percocet to sit through tonight’s AI audition nonsense?

Ok. This just got waayyy better. Oh yeah. The strains of Journey’s overused Don’t Stop Believin’ mean only one thing on American Idol — As does any mention of 80’s arena rock-pop bands with one-word names (i.e., Journey, Foreigner, Loverboy) meant to sound formidable, yet come off as gay (in the 80s way, not the Clay Aiken way). Oh, yes, You know what is coming.

Apparently, this is the episode of the show when they try to make Randy Jackson appear truly relevant (how deeply ironic…Jackson…Jacksonville) would wear when playing bass with Journey. And this is a fine example of what he would wear while on stage. (His wardrobe also included leggings.)

Randy Jackson is on a Pink Journey

Cut to some crowd shots yelling for Randy on cue.

Joshua Ulloa wants to be Justin Guarini

Audition #1
Joshua Ulloa (Age 22)

Ulloa begins by telling the world he enjoys being compared to Justin Guarini. The tile layer rubs himself while performing Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On. Simon is not amused. Paula gives him do-me eyes. Simon thinks his sound effects are gimmicky. Randy calls him dawg and likes him. They all say yes. I doubt he makes it much farther than the illustrious Hollywood Round.

Audition #2
Sharon Wilbur (Age 25)

Sharon is a stupid dog chick who wears roach clips in her hair. She brings her tiny dog, Sasha, in for her audition. I hate her already. I hate her voice as much as her nappy frosted hair. She sings The Carpenters’ Superstar. Simon thinks she’s hot. Randy quickly agrees and says yes. Paula and Kara hate her b/c Randy and Simon think she is cute. They fake make out because this is what attention-starved women do to divert the focus from a “younger hot girl” in the room. And no, this is not why I hate Sharon Wilbur. She sucks because she is a tiny dog chick.

Dana the Daytime Hooker

Audition #3
Dana Moreno (Age 24)

Moreno has the looks of a daytime hooker and the voice of a dying wildebeast. They put her out of her misery quickly. She goes back to turning tricks on the side of Route 1.

Seacrest’s golfcart antics in and around Ameila Island bore me. Seacrest bores me. The man may be hard working, but he has the depth of a kiddie pool. A kiddie pool that has been pissed in by 10 3-year-olds.

Kaneswesa. She sang all around Jacksonville but...

Audition #4
Kaneswesa Finnie (Age 16)

Kaneswesa’s mother says she has been singing around Jacksonville since she was 5, which explains why she is so “comfortable”. Kaneswesa sucks. She sings that Anita Baker song I hate and has a ridiculous nasally voice. Just because you’ve been singing since you were 5 doesn’t mean you’re any good. But she’s kind of good natured despite being delusional about having a solid voice. See? This is what happens when parents lie to their children. They end up humiliating themselves on national television. Her mother seems sweet. She needs to be honest with her.

I'm Miss Latina Florida USA!

Audition #5
Julissa Veloz (Age 19)

This chick bugs. She’s playing the whole “Latin American Idol” thing which doesn’t get used enough on this show (see Stoner J) but any dumb twit who wears a tiara and a homemade pageant sash needs to be pelted with the 10-pound sacks of Goya rice. Veloz rolls her “r’s” when Randy reads her application and acknowledges that she is “Miss Florida Latina USA”. She’s going to sing Whitney, which solidifies the fact that she sucks in my mind. How trite. She’s obnoxious and somehow manages to drop her over-the-top “Hispanic” accent by the time she launches into a Whitney Houston ballad. She is a cliche “good” singer you’ve heard 1,000,000,000 times before. They’re on the fence about her because she acts like an excitable puppy who lacks discipline and pisses on your kitchen floor. Paula feels unloved and takes Julissa outside so we pay attention to her. Paula tells Julissa she loves her. I think she did this to score whatever upper Julissa is on.

American Idol is the ultimate shit show. It fills me with unnecessary hate.

Darin Darnell. Poor guy.

Audition #6
Darin Darnell (Age 28)

Friendly and energetic, you know this kid with a slightly-unfortunate name is probably gonna get screwed. Poor guy is on the verge of tears after his waiting room buddy, Devin Cates, gets cut. And his voice is pretty bad. I’m glad he has a career as a tennis instructor to fall back on. I worry about people in these unfortunate economic times, ok? Darin leaves in tears…

And we cut to a bunch of other people who have had their hopes and dreams dashed.

I'm blonde and not that bright.

Audition #7
Naomi Sykes (Age 25)

Jesus. Here we go with a blonde bimbo. They’re batting 1000 on Idol tonight. Ryan tells her that he will serve her friends potstickers while she is auditioning. Uh…ok? Blonde bimbo Sykes can’t stop waving like a moron. She likens herself to Mariah Carey. I already want to strangle her. She also has a friend who HAS TO MEET RANDY JACKSON AND GIVE HIM A KISS. Her red head friend comes in to hug Randy. I am convinced this is a huge ploy to get Naomi to the Hollywood Round. Redheaded Friend of Blond Bimbo gets to sit on Randy’s lap during the audition. Paula, who actually looks kind of pretty tonight, now has to sit on Simon’s lap. They then bring Seacrest in, who I hope has delivered the potstickers to Blonde Bimbo’s other friends, to sit on Kara’s lap. It’s all very gag-worthy, is it not? Blonde Bimbo is going to be the second person to sing Minnie Ripperton’s Lovin’ You. Blonde Bimbo sucks ass. Simon is not amused (see below) The fact she sucks is her saving grace, wait, I was wrong! She claims it wasn’t a joke and it spirals into a group hug.

Simon is not impressed.

And we’re finally onto day 2 of the Jacksonville Jerkoff. I need another Percocet. For some reason, I watched the Ford commercial. I am yet again reminded it’s pretty pathetic the U.S. advertising world is just now cuing into the fact you shouldn’t just put honkeys on prime time commercials.

My name is Jasmine.

Audition #8
Jasmine Murray (Age 16)

Oh, we got shots of the family and a slight back story. Jasmine and her family are all very pretty. She sings Fergie’s Big Girls Don’t Cry (One of the stupidest songs ever written. Of course they took away your blanket when you were a child, Fergie. You pissed all over it.). Jasmine is obviously going to be let through to the next round. Her mother and sisters all cheer and go back to being pretty.

The Best Part of the Show

Audition #9
George Ramirez (Age 18)

George is a college student studying physics. He is another “genius nerd” which seems to be a prevailing theme this year. I like George. I suspect he’s not long for this world, but I like smart people. I think he’s trying to look like Ray LaMontagne, too. Georgie is cracking me up. He wants a house with marble floors within the next 11 years. GEORGE RAMIREZ RULES. He’s absolutely hilarious. Of course he didn’t make it, but that was the BEST GODDAMN AUDITION OF THE NIGHT.

Oh, pick me. I'm a pretty plant.

Audition #10
Anne Marie Boskovich (Age 23)

Ah, Ms. Boskovich, a notorious plant, comes in and immediately starts kissing Kara’s ass. In fact, she starts singing a song she heard her sing in Nashville. Boskovich is a very pretty girl, too. Amazingly, she sings country and isn’t blonde. A country singer with brown hair and a Slavic heritage? NO WAY. Of course she’s going to make it far, probably into the top 12. Although she’s like oh, the umpteenth contestant who has a song featured on a straight-to-DVD movie soundtrack. Simon obviously wants to see her tarted up a bit and sends her off to “find her inner self” and “be the star” rather than channel Kara. Uh, ok. He just wants to see her tarted up and Idol wants another plant to get screen time. We leave Anne Marie as she is getting eye liner applied by an anonymous hand wearing an AI bracelet…I assume its a makeup artist meant to look like a really friendly contestant. (Obviously. This is a staged shit show.)

Audition #11
T.K. Hash (Age 23)

T.K. has tried out before. Last year, I think? I don’t remember him, but he sings Imagine and has a solid, made-for-Idol voice. He’s obviously going through to Hollywood, dawg. Kara gets all smiley. Paula tells him he’s even better this year. I’m already rooting for T.K. because I can totally be a sap and he seems like a really, really nice guy. Simon gives him a no, probably just b/c he’s not a chick.

The commercials come and we’re supposed to wonder if the “new Anne Marie” will make it to Hollywood. Jesus. Stop with the faux tension before I pop another pill. At least we were spared the “gay men are freakishly weird segment” this evening.

Audition #12
Michael Pirelli (Age 19)

Michael Pirelli calls to mind Yanni and Constantine Maroulis and I haven’t heard him sing a note. But they pepper his story up with shots of him playing guitar outdoors. Yawn. I already am sensing he’s one of those people they give a slight back story to but then cut to throw the audience off. Because Idol is a predictable shit show. Oh Christ. He’s signing that ridiculous Delilah song that’s the teeny bopper Hot Topic pseudo-pop-punk crap one and not the Tom Jones classic. Uh, oh. He starts freaking out because he CANNOT PLAY HIS GUITAR DURING HIS AUDITION! OH, NO! He puts his guitar down, but keeps his shiny vinyl happy face backpack on. Simon doesn’t think Michael’s voice is interesting. Kara thinks he would shine more with his guitar. They would let him through if he were a hot chick.

THE RETURN OF ANNE MARIE

Apparently, Anne Marie just happened to find a makeup artist wandering around outside. I don’t really see how she looks different. She just took off the chambray shirt. She sings Bubbly, one of the most grating “hit” songs in recent memory. Simon and Paula are all smiles. Yawn. She’s a plant but she was 1000 times better than Joplanta.

16 golden tickets were handed out in Jacksonville. And now they have everyone singing Katrina and the Waves’ Walking on Sunshine, which in my eyes, is only George’s song. Ah, I see. Guess he tried out with the designated “crowd sing” song. Well, at least they finished the show with him. I miss George already. He’s going to be famous one day.

Ugh. Tomorrow, we get another huge plant when an Osmond tries out in his Mormon Panties! Because we’re going to Salt Lake City to find some latter day plants and virginal blondes. They’re all be wearing their Mormon Underpants. Will you?

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