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Magical Mormon Underwear! Idol is in Salt Lake City

January 29, 2009

Bust out your magical Mormon underwear, folks. And your Percocet. Tonight, Idol is Salt Lake City, on the hunt for another Mormon Eunuch and probably some “hot chicks”. Because if there is one thing American Idol loves more than humiliating people who can’t sing, its God-fearing virgins who buy that Joseph Smith crap. Tonight also introduces one of the plantiest-of-plants in Idol history (next to Joplanta Pacitti, of course) in the form of an OSMOND.

Please oh please say he covers Donny’s Soldier of Love.

Christ, look at the Eunuch’s audition! I forgot he looked that ridiculous before the standard issue l Idol makeover (Hello? David Cook. Flock of Seagulls. ‘Nuff said.) The boy was obviously not using Proactiv because even the hidden makeup team couldn’t conceal the bulk of his pubescent acne. Jesus, tonight we’re gonna be forced to see Osmond’s and earnest, wholesome single moms. I’m already about to wretch my tacos.

Ah, of course they’re happy in SLC. They’re all sheltered Mormons. Of course SLC has people who are good at dancing and singing. What else are you going to do when you’re sheltered, virginal and dumb enough to believe some bullshit about an angel showing some guy magical plates that included stuff about polygamy, magical underpants and Jesus showing up in Missouri? Exactly!  It’s not unlike why Communist nations had better athletes. You have to channel normal human urges & desires into something, right? But the Communists had no use for religious cults and they allowed drinking. Grain shoveler or a Mormon? I pick grain shoveler every time!

Audition #1
David Osmond (Age 29)

Can someone look like a Mormon? David Osmond does. And how many children did his parents push out? David Osmond kind of looks like a Mormon Michael Johns but without the good accident and ZERO charm. David and his father, Allen Osmond, have MS. Ok. That sucks. He has already been in and out of wheelchairs because of his condition. I do feel for them, I really, truly, do. However, that does not excuse the fact that this Osmond kid doesn’t have other connections to the record industry than American Idol. I am assuming David O. is married to the blonde bimbo with obnoxious hair. He’s 29 and a Mormon. If you’re not engaged by the time you’re 19 and its the end of your freshman year at BYU, you may as well off yourself b/c that pretty much ensures you will spend your live a lonely virgin. Ah, don’t you just love those dumb uber-Christian chicks who look like Playmates? If I were a man, I would call bullshit about those bimbos whenever I met one. It must be like what happens when I think I see a midget and then I realize oh, that’s just a CHILD. I hate when that happens.

Another Ultimate Idol Plant

David Osmond loves Take 6. Take 6 is a gospel a capella group (I had to look this up). Strike 10,425. And granted, the Osmonds are Mormons so there are like, oh, “a million of them”. And I feel bad the guy and his father suffer from MS. They can’t even make up hard-knock life stories for Joplanta and Anne Marie Boskovich. But come on. Does that mean an Osmond should go on American Idol? Are you only all set in the Osmond Family these days if you’re an aspiring dollmaker? I love it when the judges try to be hard on the plants. Kara says he needs to define himself as an artist. Simon says he is not contemporary, despite his blazer, t-shirt, wannabe hipster hair and bimbo wife. Of course, I kind of agree. Even with all those things, Osmond still looks like a Mormon. You can’t polish a turd and you can’t make a Mormon hip. That’s life.

Tara Matthews shops at Hot Topic and knows when people are going to die.

Audition #2
Tara Matthews (Age 21)

A “goth girl” from SLC. Of course, these days, being young and “goth” means you shop at Hot Topic. So sad. Anyway, I still can’t help getting behind a girl with a little junk in the trunk, Manic Panic hair and the look of sheer misery on her face. This girl claims she is not goth. And that she has ESP. She knows when people are going to die. Simon hates her because she is not hot. I love that she is a morose bill collector. She sings Someday I’ll Fly Away and its scary. Her lipstick is also caked on. She leaves pissed off and flips off the camera. I will kind of miss Morose Girl.

Pure White Trash

Audition #3
Aleesha Turner (Age 19)

Just as many Mormons look like Mormons, some people just look white trash. Aleesha Turner is one of them. You could still that girl in Prada and Kevyn Aucoin could return from the dead and do her makeup. Homegirl is still white trash because its even in her cheekbones. She is also a 19-year-old homemaker. I would bet serious cash the home she makes is a double-wide.

Audition #4
Katie Sullivan (Age 18 )

NEXT!!!  How sad it must be to be a fag hag when living in Salt Lake City.

Not like the exercise

Audition #5
Rich Kagel

What a name. Kagel. Like those special exercises a person can do. Crazy-eyed Kagel, who could quite possibly be the love child of where-is-he-now actor Craig Shaffer and Sammy Hager, is just another guy who made a bet at the office.

Chris Kirkham and Greg The Rabbit

Audition #6
Chris Kirkham  (Age 26)

Kirkham’s buddy is bouncing around in a bunny suit while he is wearing a t-shirt with a deformed Simon head emblazoned across the chest. I have high hopes for Chris Kirkham. He brings in Greg the Rabbit and a Simon head on a stick. Chris Kirkham sings one of the worst songs ever recorded (Roll to Me by Del Amitri, who I hope are burning to death in eternal hellfire with Savage Garden) while his Bunny Friend bounces. He then sings my LEAST FAVORITE SONG OF ALL TIME — Ain’t No Mountain High Enough! I kind of like this guy so I really hope he is just singing these horrible songs because they’re you no, they are two of the worst songs in the history of the world. Funny thing is, his voice isn’t as bad as a lot I’ve heard. It’s not great but he is definitely not horrible. Of course they deny his ass. But Simon gives the bunny a hug. Greg the Rabbit lifts him up. Ok. That was kind of funny. These dudes were successful in their efforts to get on national TV. Nice job.

Bunny Hugs Simon

NO WAY. There’s gonna be a girl who sings Amy Winehouse. I’m slightly intrigued. Commercial break ensues. It’s time for my mid-evening Snack Pack. Greg the Rabbit has placated me so I don’t feel the need to grind up a Percocet into my pudding.

We’re back. Yum. Snack Pack. Anyway, Ryan is doing some bullshit narration on how they can’t figure out why the folks in SLC are just so darn nice. He asks, is it the clean mountain air? Oh just say it. These people are happy because they are idiots. They’re Mormons, damnit. Mormons. It’s like going to see a production of Rent and during intermission, asking someone why all the men in attendance use flamboyant hand gestures when making conversation with others in the lobby. I guess a bunch of people don’t make it and say thank you when the judges tell them to go to hell. Yawn.

Audition #7
Frankie Jordan (Age 24)

Crap. The Amy Winehouse girl talks all about how great it is to be a “stay-at-home mom”. She’s 24! I really want to like her, too. She’s a kind of pretty, olive-skinned brunette with a kind of fun name in a multiracial relationship who sings Amy Winehouse. She also has perfect white teeth. And she’s from Utah? They’re all like Children of the Corn out there so I really, really want to like this chick. Sigh. Fine. Ah, of course. She’s from HOLLYWOOD. Explains it all. And with her talk about acting and singing, I know this chick isn’t a “stay-at-home mom”. She just knows how to manipulate the American public. She tells Randy this is her passion and there is nothing else she would rather do. Oh, let’s see if she offers up the baby for a chance at being on Idol. Please? Can we? Her on-screen vitals state she is a waitress/mom. Bingo. I think she also has implants because she’s quite perky for someone who had a baby. I like this chick’s voice. I actually like Frankie. Even if Seacrest got to make a stupid “Frankie Goes to Hollywood” joke. Sigh.

Another Idol Plant

Well lookie here. Frankie Jordan is another big-time PLANT. Go figure. She’s appeared on the Win A Date With Tad Hamilton soundtrack. That was actually in theaters. Her handsome husband is also on an OSMOND-hosted TV show called Rediscovered.

Me no likey Frankie no more.

Oh jesus. Some hippie chick is shown dancing like she’s at a String Cheese Incident show.

Likable too-young mom

Audition #8
Meghan Corkrey (Age 23)

Sigh. Another too-young mother. And she just got divorced! But she has non-bleached hair and an arm covered in tattoos! Idol is killing me tonight. We’re supposed to feel sympathetic for the young divorced mother of a three-year-old, but I just keep thinking, yeah, idiot. That’s what you get when you do that crap too young. Oh, who am I to judge anyone’s life? I’m sitting here blogging about a shit show. Oh, today is Meghan’s birthday and she is a Font Designer with a fun retro voice and really nice white teeth. She doesn’t annoy me. I like Meghan Corkrey. I hope she is a lapsed Mormon.

Uh oh. Crazy Hippie Chick Rose is coming up soon and she has a “story that will break your heart”. Commercial break means a 20 second preview of Kelly Clarkson’s new video to My Life Would Suck Without You. Yeah. I like Kelly Clarkson. This shit show will never find someone who even compares to her at this stage in the game. And they’re trying that whole “stadium full of people is filling out after 1000s of auditions” crap again. Ugh. Why do I watch this crap?

Audition #10
Andrew Gibson (Age 21)

I have a feeling this guy had a big career in high school swing choir, which led him to believe he could try out. But he’s dorky and I find that kind of nice. I like dorks.

Mormon Frau Bait

Audition #11
Austin Sisneros (Age 17)

Oh here go. A senior class president from Riverton, Utah. He wants to inspire people. I’m groaning. The judges think they’ve found an Aryan Archuleta, yet one who is able to form sentences without gasping. There is something a bit more devilish in Sisneros’ grin, but I suspect its just the way I paused my Tivo. This kid is as wholesome as Nilla Wafers and a big ol’ glass of milk. Randy thinks he is weird because he sings Train. Oh yes, Randy. IT IS SO WEIRD. Not that I’m a fan of Train, but let some people sing something different. They’re not sold on him yet (re: He’s most likely a plant) and then he sings some old soul song which sounds a lot more like gospel because its about sharing joy and stuff. Randy can’t get off his weird song choices. Simon thinks he needs to be young. Obviously, they already know his “mature” song choices will guarantee a legion of age-inappropriate FanFrauen. Maybe you can’t blame them for trying to help a kid…

Great. More from Crazy Hippie Chick. Her hippie dad died when she was 13. And she’s cryyyyiiinnnnggg. Right before a commercial break. This girl better have the best voice EVER if they’re pimping her this much. I want to be encouraged by her “different” look. I really, really, really do. But I am generally fearful of anything someone tries to force-feed me. It’s why I’ve never seen Braveheart.

Oh jesus. They filmed that High School Musical crap in spitting distance of wherever Seacrest was standing. And then more people are crying. Oh, just trying to tug at our heartstrings with all those dreams dashed. You know those were all those people who actually could probably sing a little bit, too.

And I suspect Ain’t No Mountain High Enough is the big “everyone sings” number tonight.

Audition #12
Jarrett Barnes

Pretty sure this guy made it through…he had pipes and we saw his name. Then they went to a bunch of clips of bad singers because this is what the public wants.

Another Idol Plant, Lies about age

Audition #13
Taylor Vaifanua (Age 16)

According to VFTW, Taylor is another big ol’ plant and the second-coming of Jordin Sparks. I find it impossible to believe this girl is 16 when she looks and dresses as if she is 36. I believe Albert Pujols’ real age over this chick claiming she’s 16. I WOULD GET CARDED AT THE LIQUOR STORE BEFORE THIS CHICK. Her parents moved from Hawaii because they recognized her talent. Ah, I see. Stage parents. She is also 5’11” and complains about being tall because boys are typically shorter than her. No, sweetie, the boys just clear the hell away from you at school because they are virginal Mormons and their parents have warned them about those teachers who sleep with their students. It’s not because you’re tall. It’s because you’re really a thirty-something woman whose guise as a 16-year-old student actually makes 21 Jump Street and Andrea Zuckermann look entirely believable. Yes, she reminds Randy of Jordin Sparks, probably b/c she’s tall, ethnic and looks older than 16? Oh Randy. You are just so perceptive. She sings Joyful, Joyful. This is about the 20th song I’ve heard with “joy” mentioned in the title and/or lyrics in the past hour. I vow to never ever visit Utah. Obviously, the song is all about God, which is why I had no clue what it was and I automatically hate it and Taylor Zuckermann. Would someone slap this twit silly with a Dove Award?

Has anyone else noticed how you can tell its Utah because every contestant has about 15 people waiting for them when they come out the door? Yes.  Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum…)

(Yeah…I just wanted an excuse to throw South Park’s All About Mormons in…)

More pimping of Crazy Hippie Chick Rose. They go so far as to show her crying in a windowed closet with a single wicker chair. This. Had. Better. Be. The. Most. Frakking. Awesome. Thing. We. Will. Ever. Hear.

Rose Flack is kind of cool.

Audition #14
Sarah Rose Flack (Age 17)

Rose doesn’t live in Utah. She lives in Idaho and she has an adoptive family with her best friend. The background music is Ray LaMontagne’s A Falling Through. It reminds me how I get pissed off at iTunes when they suggest I would like James Morrison because I own a lot of Ray LaMontagne. It also pisses me off when I hear music I own used in the background of overwrought emotional Idol back stories. While Miss Flack may have had a shit life, parents both died when she was young…and they are playing up the sympathy, the girl is just so well-spoken. I think back to that nit wit Pickler and how her boo-hoo story about waitressing at Sonic, having a dead mother and a jailbird Daddy was compounded by the fact the girl is pretty much too stupid to live. This Sarah Rose Flack appears to be the polar opposite. She seems rather mature for a 17-year-old, yet not in the obnoxious Taylor Zuckermann sort of way. She is still quite youthful. Despite the bottle blonde hair, she’s also quite pretty. We also meet her hippie brother, Jonathan Flack. They even go so far as to show Rose petting a puppy while sitting by the water. The Audition rounds have LOVED posing people by assorted lakes in contemplative poses for back stories. I kind of want to gag. I am beginning to think Rose is too cool for Idol, but is merely slumming it for exposure. Oh, well, guess I can’t blame the girl. I hate most hippies, too. And she auditions while barefoot. But I like Rose and she hasn’t sung a note. Come on. It’s not like she doesn’t make it to the next round after all this build-up.

When she sings, Simon sits there with a shocked look we haven’t seen since Fantasia took the Idol stage last season. He chides her about song choice, but says there is something about her she absolutely loves. I am momentarily touched. Then I remember what I am watching and go to make myself a drink.

Tonight, Idol was a chessy ass, cloying, overly-sentimental shit show. Yet, I actually liked 2 mommies and a hippie. I must be softening. No. Never.

Rose leaves the building with bare, dirty feet. And then they show some guy outside the building we’ve never seen who has fun hair and looks really cool. Of course we haven’t seen him. Because He looks cool. 13 people total made it or something. It seemed like there was about 133 with all that sentimental drivel in tonight’s happy-feel-good-love-Mormons episode. Simon has already forgotten Rose’s name. But she still stands out in his mind.

What the hell? NYC and San Juan Auditions are on tomorrow night! I have to watch one more night of this crap? And of course, next week is the MOST INTENSE HOLLYWOOD WEEK EVER.

I cannot take anymore.

Now go change your magical Mormon panties. You totally left skid marks after watching that shit show.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Tom permalink
    March 7, 2009 1:29 pm

    This blog was a hateful piece of crap. I also don’t think you’ve met a Mormon in your life. You talk like one of those ignorant people I grew up with in the South that hate anyone different than them.

  2. maxhate permalink
    January 30, 2009 7:57 am

    Cherie…so refreshing to see someone with deep religious convictions not post something self-righteous. Most importantly, you are one of the few people who realize most people outside of a true christian marriage (especially that slut from AP Calc class) have at least 1 STD. Glad to see that your parent’s didn’t scare you to death with tales of women that nobody wants because the devil gave them the clap.

    By the way, your name is spelled like a stripper’s stage name.

  3. January 30, 2009 1:32 am

    Sorry for singing your least favorite songs of all time though…ba haha

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 30, 2009 1:38 am

      I love you. And your bunny. So very very much.

      The fact you sang those horrible songs just endeared you and your bunny to me more.

  4. January 30, 2009 1:31 am

    Haha dude… I totally loved this. I’m Mormon as can be, but I thought this was hilarious. You even made me sound cool, even though I brought a huge friggin’ bunny with me. Kudos dude! Chris Kirkham

  5. Cherie permalink
    January 29, 2009 3:00 pm

    I’m a Mormon and I HAD been enjoying reading your blog. Just because we choose not to go around spreading STD’s in this disrespectful, moralless world gives people like you a chance to make fun of us. I have many things I want to say to you that would make me feel vindicated, but unlike you, I have the ability to keep my mouth shut…and to quit reading your offensive blog that you ruined for me and probably any other mormon that took two seconds out of their day to peruse your garbage. I hope your mom doesn’t cry thinking of what kind of person she raised.

  6. jordan permalink
    January 29, 2009 2:47 pm

    You said:

    “Has anyone else noticed how you can tell its Utah because every contestant has about 15 people waiting for them when they come out the door? Yes. It’s because those Mormons breed. Quite irresponsible, really. Especially when you consider this is a group of people who believe Heaven is limited to 100,000 souls and this is pre-determined before birth. (But you’re supposed to live piously for your entire mortal existence, even if you are destined to burn in eternal hellfire. Yes. This all makes perfect sense. Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum…)”

    You are confusing Mormons with Jehovah’s Witnesses. Mormons believe everyone is going to be saved, except for the worst few people. Who is dum dum dum, etc. now?

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