No Mas Por Favor: American Idol in San Juan & NYC
Apparently, the Puerto Rico auditions were a HUGE letdown, which explains why they’ve combined it with NYC for the last of the audition round shows. Upon discovering there was going to be a THIRD show this week, I got a bit frightened, especially because it would be covering two cities. Thankfully, though, tonight’s episode is only an hour long.
I guess this is an Idol first or something. They also feel the need to compare such a feet to West Side Story, because you know, they’re combining Puerto Rico and NYC.
Why not compare it to J. Lo?
Shitty Music + No Talent + Hispanic When It Wants To Be + Flaunting Toddlers For Attention = American Idol
Tonight, Idol promises us a Blonde Bimbo Plant (Kendall Beard) and some kid who will garner the teen vote until being devoured by FanFrauen forevermore once the season ends. One good thing about Idol this year was its lack of idiot blonde singers, at least in the audition rounds. Oh, and there’s nothing else I hate more about this show than Cute Dumb Blonde Country Twits. (And for the record, I’m not even one of those people who say they like “all music but country”. That’s actually kind of ignorant. I like country. I even kind of like that Taylor Swift kid. And old school country, a lot of it was damn good.)
Randy wonders why NY doesn’t “bring the heat” he knows it has…uh, yeah. Perhaps it’s because a lot of people trying to make it big in NYC know Idol just is not the way to go for career longevity or ahem, attracting a relatively age-appropriate fanbase. Of course, after Greasy Constantine, do they even want to go back there?
Let’s pop another Percocet and get started on tonight’s fiesta-tivities.
Adeola Adegokie (Age 18)
You know when someone starts by telling you people compare them to Mariah Carey, they’re gonna suck eggs. Rotten eggs. She also had to add she is the “the whole package” and that she quit her job because she knows she’s going to Hollywood. Oh, Adeola. Why oh why did you quit your job in this economy? I’m kind of sad because Adeola seems cute and pleasant enough, too, but you already know she’s gonna blow. And whoa does she. Adeola sounds like a dying dog. And Adeola is really telling them she is not going. Simon offers to call her boss to get her job back. Oh Jesus. The poor girl’s entire family was there. And Ryan is calling Adi’s boss (On an iPhone. Obviously).
Awww, I am kind of touched Simon is sitting on the stairs with this girl and calling her boss. Because I can be a sap sometimes. Nah, it’s actually b/c I truly & honestly think Simon Cowell is awesome when it comes down to it. (Il Divo is a huge strike against the man, but anyone who thinks he’s really an asshole is an idiot.) I would love to say Adeola knows she sucks and did this all to get good screen time, but…the girl just seems so damn sincere and visibly touched. If she is acting then maybe…maybe she could have a career in the entertainment industry without singing a note.
And before you can blink away your tears for Adeola, we’re in San Juan! And of course, Livin’ La Vida Loca is playing!
Jorge Nunez (Age 20)
Like any reluctant watcher of this shit show who has become all to familiar with the insane activities of batshit crazy Idol fans, I look at any male contender with the sole purpose of gauging their FanFrauen Potential Meter. Jorge could be a lock for all those women who don’t have the balls to become proper sex tourists when their plus-sized bodies give way to the first strains of menopause. In the throws of that first hot flash, an unsightly, coarse hair appears on a double chin as she sits on her sofa partaking in America’s top-rated TV show. At that moment, she sees a nearly post-pubescent young man on the screen. She frantically chews her ice cube as her eyes grow big, all the while thinking, this kid is something oh-so special. And another Frau is born.
Anyway, let’s get back to Jorge. Props for actually singing in Spanish! (Not like that faux-proud Latina from Tuesday night, Julissa Veloz, or even Stoner J, whom my sources tell me can’t actually SPEAK Spanish. Although at this point, I highly doubt being bilingual was something his family encouraged.) Jorge is pretty theatrical in his singing, but there is no denying the kid can sing. Simon rips on Middle America and says they came to Puerto Rico to find someone who sings with an accent. Love you, Simon. Randy calls him a brilliant dawg or something. Paula compares him to Marc Anthony. I’m pretty sure Jorge’s boyfriend was standing out front waiting for him and not because his singing was “theatrical”. Not at all. It was more because it looked as if he was about to kiss him but then hesitated for a moment before hugging him. These guys are smart and they see the cameras. Because it’s not like you can, you know, be openly gay and be on American Idol!
I like Jorge. Wow. Tonight I am just all sorts of nice and sappy. Oh Jesus. They show Cute Dumb Country Blonde again before the commercial. Here we go with the over-the-top pimping.
Jessika Baier (Age 20)
Baier comes with her own pink-clad Frauen. We also learn she wins a lot of singing contests. And won The Most Beautiful Baby in America competition when she was, you know, a baby. Unfortunately, she probably doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell b/c she’s kind of a heavy girl. Idol only takes heavy girls if they’re black. Duh. Everyone knows this. Simon hates her, obviously. He says she is absolutely awful. She’s really not that bad. OMG. She starts stomping her feet in protest. Simon just dislikes her because she is fat. She keeps saying she is nervous and begs. Paula steps in and tells her it was borderline shrilling. Oh come on. She was better than Katrini Bikini.
Now we see others who were turned away and are in tears. Of course, a lot of these are probably the people who could actually kind of sing.
Melinda Camile (Age 21)
I kind of like this Alex Wek-ish chick for some reason. She’s funky. Oh, I just like her name and her crazy corner dancing. She also comes in barefoot and has a lovely smile. She wants to uplift humanity be a part of a universal shift, as well as join a nudist colony. She would like to be naked if all of them were also nude. Oh, and Melinda is going to sing Nina Simone’s Feeling Good. I love Melinda Camile. And she can sing. Although one wrong turn in that pink halter sundress and it would have been Idol Nipplegate. Oh well. She already said she loves being nude. They all like her and her sunny disposition. Kara calls her a “vitamin boost”.
Oh, the commercial break promises drama and Paula tells a black kid with a fun afro she loves him. She soooooo has a type. And then they return and Seacrest is acting kind of toolish in the waiting area. Go figure.
Jackie Tohn (Age 27)
From the outset, Jackie seems kind of cool. And she plays blues guitar. I want to like her but I worry she is a plant. Although she has shades of Chile…wait, her occupation is listed as actress/singer and she sings Jason Mraz. I’m totally not sold, even though she came into the audition room with a strut I haven’t seen since Nancy McKeon embodied the incredible JoAnne Polnachek. And while performing, I wonder if she’s the love child of Stoner J and Sheryl Crow. Hmmm…Not sold. Even if she technically brings something different to the table and is 100% more likable than the irritating Brooke White and wears an out-of-place cameo broach which somehow works in a very odd way with her diagonally-striped boob shirt. Simon wants to hear her normal singing voice. Interesting. The girl does have range. OH NO. THE SKY IS FALLING. Wait. I lied. It’s just the windows, but they threaten to endanger the judges! OH NO IDOL DRAMA & DANGER OH MY! It wasn’t even the windows. It was just some tinted plastic shit.
Why is Seacrest narrating this shit like the judges are in 2 places at once? Really. Is there a point? Its rather irritating. Then they play Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game while showing a bunch of people who suck. Including the Greasy Constantine wannabe, who I think shows up later and makes it to the next round. Which is completely obvious because they show him sitting on rocks playing his guitar while acting all sensitive. Yawn. And frankly, gross. Looking at that guy already makes my crotch itch.
Oh how sweet. Some plump blond girl is yelling The Weather Girls’ It’s Raining Men and borderline contorting herself. I think she probably got a hernia after such nonsense. And logically, a large girl singing a classic gay club anthem leads us to tonight’s…
GAY MEN ARE FREAKISHLY WEIRD BEINGS WHO YOU SHOULD NEVER PROVOKE
IF YOU SEE ONE ON THE STREET
Carlos Stanos (Age 21)
Ah, we begun this segment with a Fag Hag and have apparently now entered the Gay Men Are Freakishly Weird portion of tonight’s Idol. It’s been mysteriously absent this week, but I didn’t have any high hopes for anyone out of the closet showing up in the land of mountains and Mormons. I feel bad b/c I look at Stanos and think, wow, he could do an awesome Halloween costume this year and go as Mickey Rourke.
Ah yes, another “dancer”. Antyon is so obviously not on the “down low” and he moves around a lot so it is obvious the producers would add him to this segment. Because the American public needs to know gay men are all scary diva wannabes who are freakishly weird and dance and sing all the time if you do not muzzle them, stone them, or send them to a reconditioning camp. Because all of this worked for Teddy Haggard, right? Whatever, Idol. Antyon does a mean-ass snake.
Ah, yes…to transition out of tonight’s fairly quick Gay Men Are Freaks portion of the show, let’s show a weird plump black girl wearing yellow because she also kind of dances. She does that step & clap stuff favored by African-American fraternities and sororities. I accidently crashed one of their parties in college once. It was rather funny because I swear you heard the record skid to a screeching halt and 100 people in the gym turned around and looked at the two really white drunk swim team kids walk in cluelessly.
Mike Perlman (Age 25)
Ah, here’s the “hair metal” guy Seacrest was dancing with. Perlman is from Boston and I think he looks familiar, but its probably b/c under his costume store wig lies a very common male face. Perlman is an actor/writer, so obviously, you know why he “auditioned”. And how cute, that Darkness song is used in his acting reel. I think he dresses like Brody Jenner for other characters, at least when at The Phoenix Landing in Cambridge’s Central Square. And he has hair metal wigs in several colors. Anyway, he goes into the audition and doesn’t even sing. He just plays his ghetto blaster and mimes? But good for him. He got to dance with Seacrest.
Joel Contreras (Age 23)
Ah yes, and it all leads up to Joel, a self-proclaimed “Crazy Rocker” who basically does tired Jackass stunts outside Payless Shoe Stores and yells at ice cream vendors on the streets of San Juan. Most likely another actor/comedian looking for a bit of exposure. Although a small tinge of me kind of appreciates him walking in the audition room as an iPod because I logically think of this as satirical wink at the sponsorship lunacy that is American Idol. But the rest of me finds it incredibly lame. Now he is a self-proclaimed “Human iPod” and sings Mr. Big’s Be With You before doing another song and acting out another and then bringing out his lion puppet. He then emerges in a homemade superhero costume yelling “I GOT A KNOW” before doing flips into the hotel pool. For some reason, I think this guy is kind of like the Naked Cowboy of San Juan.
Nick “Norman Gentle” Mitchell (Age 27)
This guy looks interesting, with is retro glasses, shimmering shirt and scarlet red sweatband. He also looks kind of like Greg Kinnear in an odd way. Ah, this must be another one of these actor/writer/comedian types, right? You can’t put one over on me! But he’s totally gay and is faking a crush on Ryan Seacrest so he’s actually already kind of funny and goes by the name Norman Gentle. He scares Seacrest and earns Simon’s hatred as soon as walking in the room. He sings Dreamgirls, Simon bashes him and then he counters with gay jokes about Simon and Seacrest, which Simon likes. But he hates “gaspy Cabaret singers” and wants Norman Gentle to stop being funny. Then he gets “serious” and starts singing Amazing Grace and is actually kind of good until he breaks into more “stupid faces”. Paula says yes. Kara says yes. They think he’s hilarious. Simon says no. Randy says yes! Norman Gentle is going to Hollywood just because he is entertaining. I wish they would have done the same for my beloved Gollum.
Ashley Hollister (Age 21)
Kind of interesting voice on kind of a butterface girl. She’s a receptionist at a hair salon and lives in Jersey, which I suspect may be why she kind of has bridge & tunnel hair. But then her voice gets real annoying towards the end of her very short audition. She probably gets cut early during the next round.
Kenny Hoffpauer (Age 16)
My FanFrauen Potential Meter has kicked into overdrive as soon as this fresh-faced pup takes the tiny stage. And what a fantastic name. His Frauen are already calling themselves Hoff’s Powers, I bet. Idol wants to tap into that Jonas Brothers market while its hot, which is why the Eunuch was pimped out so damn much last season. This kid sings Jason Mraz, so you know, he’s LIKABLE! Little girls will love him until he’s booted. FanFrauen will adore him for years after. And the sick cycle begins once more. I wonder if he has scary stage parents who are already fielding designs for the beloved “merch”. I bet they have two merch tables ready to go in their basement.
Kendall Beard (Age 21)
PLANT ALERT! PLANT ALERT! PLANT ALERT! I already hate Kendall Beard so it doesn’t matter what her voice sounds like. Your quintessential Cute Dumb Country Blonde, Beard has nasty hair partially held back with a tacky white headband and shows off her French Manicure to indicate heartfelt emotion when the lyrics call for it. Did they edit it to make it seem as she got through that quickly? Or not. Because you know, she is a plant, so…
Then we see a bunch of other people that made it, including several cool black people. I’m wondering if Idol wants to bring cool black people on this year because hello? Did you notice? Being black is cool! Idol wants to tap into what is popular and since we elected Obama, they so want to catch some of that black-tion. This year, we’re going to have real-live Hispanics and real-life black people! And I was pretty disgusted at last year’s utter lack of diversity. (And I still miss Nadia Turner. Really, Idol, was Coretta Scott Mercado the best you could do last season?)
Once again, the Asian contingency is sadly not represented. Anyway, they keep showing these happy people who are going to Hollywood and some scary ass dude who must be on roids makes me jump a tiny bit when he bounds onto the screen and yells like he just won the big game and is celebrating in the locker room showers. For some reason, this show isn’t over yet and we’re promised season 8’s “cutest and rudest” contestants yet. Yawn.
Nicole Laraway (Age 24)
Not good. NEXT! Can we hurry this damn thing up already?
Mark Granata (Age 26)
For some reason, Granata was not included in the Gay Men Are Freaks portion of tonight’s show. What were the producers thinking? He’s also a group home counselor. LOVE IT. I love how his belly button peaks out because he’s deliberately left the last button of his corduroy vest open to amplify the sex appeal. He also has very white teeth.
He screeches. But he makes some great faces. With 16 minutes left and 18 auditions down, I think Idol is trying to overpack this final audition round episode.
Monique Garcia Torres (Age 16)
Christopher , Monique’s cute-as-a-button 9-year-old brother (I at first thought it was her kid) is just too adorable. Even I’m kind of taken aback, but obviously, I suspect he is a sinister little imp not unlike Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son. Because how can you trust someone so aw-shucks cute? Christopher tells Simon, “I think you’ll love it” when he asks if his sister is any good. By the time this show ends, Christopher Garcia Torres will already have an agent. They’re gonna bring back Mikey Likes It because of this kid, I just know it. There is more cute banter. Monique sings You Can’t Hurry Love well enough. She is a likable teenager. I already want her to cage fight Taylor Zuckermann during the Hollywood round. They’re being kind of hard on her, saying she needs her brother’s confidence. The judges are divided. Here is one of the few times I’ve seen Simon act as the “tie breaker” this season, perhaps the first? Everything blends together at this point.
See! Simon is a big old softie when it comes down to it. He lets her through. And her brother probably already has an agent. I want him to cagefight Crying Girl.
Alexis Cohen (Age 24)
I guess this chick tried out last season when she was a glitter-laden angry meth head. Supposedly she has now found Buddha. So she’s just wearing a glitter dress. And we already saw her flip Simon off again in the previews before a commercial break. But I still think she’s a meth head because she’s about 75 pounds. Or maybe she just doesn’t eat. She butchers Madonna’s best song ever (Like A Prayer. Obviously.) Simon still thinks she is horrendous. Kara says she was better when she was “being her”. She gives them all the finger. But smiles while doing it. I wonder if we’ll see her again next year. Ah, she has 1000s of people across the nation supporting her.
Patricia Lewis Roman (Age 20)
The last contestant. Yay. Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster. Her family has a painting of her they’ve got in the lobby. They are also playing the drums. Patricia has a fine voice, however, she sings Whitney Houston’s (I Wanna Dance) With Somebody Who Loves Me. Why do these idiots insist on singing Whitney Houston? Haven’t they seen this show? Roman fairs better when she sings a song in Spanish. Obviously she gets through. Paula says No. I’m not really sure why she says No, I think its just because she felt like being relevant.
Now everyone is dancing. 9 people are going to Hollywood from Puerto Rico. They stage a shot of them running into the ocean with their damned golden tickets. Just like they made the 26 people who made it from NYC get on a boat and wave theirs around. Alas. This nonsense is over and we see more previews from the most INTENSE HOLLYWOOD WEEK EVER.
That was exhausting. No really. I think this show may be akin to water boarding.