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OMG NO WAY: Hollywood Week is here!!!

February 4, 2009

The next five days will be the TOUGHEST CHALLENGE OF THEIR LIVES.

Bring on the bitchiness and the tears. It’s Hollywood Week!  

Why the frak is Seacrest wearing a Mr Rogers hand-me-down? What’s up with the cardigan, Ryan? You wanna be Simon’s “butt neighbor”, don’t ya?

147 of America’s best singers? Somehow I highly doubt that. Oh Jesus, IDOL BOOT CAMP. They stole that fierce idea from Tyra. And OMG — The world’s favorite closeted ballad boy BARRY FRAKKING MANILOW Please, Barry, quit it with the face lifts. You’re scaring me!

Barry Manilow's New Face Lift

The contestants furiously take notes as Barry speaks. I doubt Joplanta “The $5 Million FAIL” Pacitti was one of them. She already knows she’s a superstar! 

Michael Castro has green hair today. Which is why they sat him next to Rose Flack. Because it must have been the interesting hair section. Yawn. I think I can hear the Castrofans “squeeing” from these snowy parts.

Audition #1
Lil Rounds

I kinda like Lil Rounds. Wait. Why the frak is she singing I Will Always Love You. STOP WITH THE WHITNEY. And frankly, I thought that was rather horrible. Yet, she’s getting a standing ovation. But that sounded…not good. 

Audition #2
Dennis Brigham

Brigham has got some runaway bride eyes going on when he sings For Once in My Life. Simon also thinks he looks insane. Brigham is outta here.

Asia, Alexander and Lil make it to the next round. The suckers in the back, including Brigham, are out. I’m trying to remember if I even saw any of those other people before. WAIT! Dennis Brigham is PISSED! He tells them they all suck as judges. And tells Simon he has cheap pants. 

Dennis Brigham is PISSED.

Oh come on, Idol. Are you racist? I could understand exactly what he was saying. Why were subtitles necessary?

The other half of the contestants are soaking up the sights in Hollywood. Which wouldn’t be so goddamned stupid if half of them didn’t already live there. I spy some maybe plants, Michael Sarver and the little horror movie guy Cody Sheldon in this shot:

American Idol contestants romp in Hollywood

Audition #3
Nathaniel Marshall

YAY! It’s our homosexual atheist! But he sings some song no one knows and it mentions faith, but wait! He believes in MUSIC and not JESUS! And he’s been through a lot and wants this “more than anything.” I like this kid. I like this kid for the mere fact he’s clearly not playing straight and he’s obviously offering something different. This show would be infinitely more watchable if they had DIVERSE TALENTS and not people recycling Whitney Houston schlock every other damn song.

Nathaniel Marshall loves to sing

I just want this more than anything…It’s on my skin, and it just like, bursts out of me every time I’m on stage and I don’t know why.

Audition #4
Anoop Desai

YAY! An Asian! Idol needs more Asians, damnit! Anoop has a solid voice, too. 

Audition #5
Jasmine Murray

And singing Kelly Clarkson…I hate when they sing former contestants’ songs, too.

Audition #6
Rose Flack 

Uh, oh. Rose’s confidence has been shattered. Don’t shatter Rose’s confidence. I prefer her voice over most of the people in that silly little practice room. I like this kid. And I like her voice. Because it is DIFFERENT. How many Jasmine Murrays are out there?

EVERYONE IS THROUGH TO THE NEXT ROUND! Including Michael Castro. (Castrofans are screaming right now because WE STILL HAVE NOT HEARD MICHAEL SING AND HE IS JASON CASTRO’S BROTHER!)

Returning from the commercial break, we once again meet Von Smith. And Jorge Nunez. And Stephen Fowler, someone we have not heard sing yet but, as far as I’m concerned, looks pretty promising. Von Smith is pure Frau bait. 

Audition #7
Stephen Fowler

Oh, Stephen. I like you. You just look like a nice guy. And you can sing. And your fro rules. Why are we just now hearing this guy sing?

Audition #8
Jorge Nunez

Singing Jon Secada, Jorge nails it. Me likey Jorge.

Audition #9
Von Smith

Von Smith gets TOTAL RED FACE when he sings, er, yells. This kid now officially annoys the frak out of me. Yes, Simon. It was indulgent nonsense. Von looks like he is going to cry. But I’m sure the judges see the Frau Potential Meter in this one.

KARA, you culturally-insensitive little wench. His name is JORGE! Not GEORGE!

Von, Jorge and Stephen get through. Von should have been sent packing. Seriously. Sent. Packing. Bring on the Frauen!

I thought that was Debra Byrd running the Boot Camp. Debra Byrd is kind of cool. Like, she’s up there with Debbie the Stage Manager. Debbie! Where are you Stage Manager Debbie?? Just as she always does, Debra Byrd emphasizes song choice. But these idiots keep singing frakking Whitney Houston.

Dr. Chase quasi-lookalike

Cute Blonde Country Bimbo Kendall Beard (I think) makes it to see another day but some blonde dude who looks like he gets laid b/c chicks tell him how he kind of looks like Dr. Chase on House picked the WRONG SONG and has to go home.  

Audition #10
Norman Gentle / Nick Mitchell

YES! Of course, Simon is not amused. Everyone else is entertained. He yells out to Seacrest! Honestly, I’ve heard worse voices on this show. Why not have a comic singer on this show?  Think of all the ones we have to watch who are unintentionally funny? At least Nick / Norman is interesting. And for some reason, I love that he stays in character. No idea why, but I do.

Norman Gentle / Nick Mitchell

YAY! Nick/Norman makes it to the next round!!! YAY!!!

Oh, I guess Frankie Jordan does make it to the next round. As does Scott “Stevie Wonderful” MacIntyre (Hey…I didn’t make that nickname up. He’s got a few Fraus already referring to him as that on the AI and IDF boards!).

Jasmine Murray and her entire family

Jasmine Murray, once again, came with her entire family. Her pretty family. But pretty in like that too-perfect Barbie doll way. Someone who sounds like Rachel Dratch yells, “WE MADEEEEE ITTTT”. No clue who she was. Then that totally fug-faced blonde chick from some audition is bouncing up and down. In a tank top, obviously.

Day #2 in Hollywood

 

Jesus, I hate that Michael Buble version of Feeling Good. At first, I think we’re getting an Idol-made FORD COMMERCIAL. OH NO, say it isn’t so..well, not really. Wait. Of course it was.

Ford is the only American Idol

The other 83 contestants arrive at the Kodak Theatre, which I still don’t buy as being one of THE MOST FAMOUS THEATERS IN THE WORLD. I just know it’s where they do this shit show and the Oscars, although I’m sure more goes on there than just that, obviously. Of course, I wouldn’t put it up there with say, the Sydney Opera House, mmmm-kay, Idol?

Seacrest, what happened to your cardigan?

Audition #11
Jackie Tohn 

Jackie Tohn, THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE AND AWESOME IDOL PLANT, is even hanging out with that other cool chick, Emily Wynne-Hughes, while waiting around for all this audition nonsense. She’s got a killer voice and she actually has a sense of humor. Paula says she remembered her the most out of all the other auditions. Her bumbling humor is actually kind of cute. Not irritating and grating like that aw shucks crap peddled hard by Brooke White last season.

Jackie and these other people make it through. Including that dumb plant-y twit Raquel Houghton who dated Dane Cook, some guy who is trying to dress like David Cook and plant-y John Twiford who is borderline creeping me out in his plaid pants and Greasy Constantine-esque scarf. And then some cheerful happy freaky chick wearing sequins although she could be a dead ringer for Herve Villechaize. Speaking of sequins, notice Jackie Tohn’s taxicab yellow waistpack? This chick probably has the most original sense of style of ANY contestant ever seen on this shit show. 

Jackie Tohn is better than ALL OF YOU

I want Jackie Tohn to cage fight that dumb chick who rubbed uglies with that douchebag Dane Cook.

Oh, that obnoxious Jennifer “Jenisis” Samoranos chick shows up. You know, the one who plays piano in her bedroom while wearing a winter coat.

I love Jackie Tohn. She’s awesome.

Awww, they sent home that girl who brought her little brother with her. And then they show plant Anne Marie Boskovich telling someone they were the sweetest person she ever met. It sounded sooooo fake. But the cameras were filming, sooooo, you know….

People are leaving. Wave buh-bye.

Audition #12
Jamar Rogers

Singing California Dreamin’, Jamar is solid. He’s rooming with buddy Danny Gokey. Who goes on next. YES! Randy uses the word RELEVANT. This year, once we get to the semifinals, we’re going to play a drinking game. Quite simple, really. Just take a shot anytime one of the judges says relevant.

Audition #13
Danny Gokey

Quite possibly the ULTIMATE FRAU BAIT in this year’s competition due to his tragic back story as a too-young widower, Danny is also a CHURCH MUSIC TEACHER. By golly, he could be the SECOND COMING OF JESTRO!!! Danny sings Seal’s Kiss From a Rose. Greasy Constantine Frauen are typing furiously on their message boards that Danny’s version just does not even compare to the rendition done five years ago by their VD Idol. Gokey’s voice is pleasantly interesting, b/c its must more soulful than what you would expect to come out of a white dude with cool glasses. Who teaches church music. Paula proclaims her love for Danny. 

Danny Gokey Jamar Rogers are forced to be near Evil Joplanta

NOOOOOOOO! Nice guys Danny and Jamar are standing next to EVIL JOPLANTA. Looking at that twat just irritates me. Not because I have any delusions that this show is a bastion of legitimacy or anything, but her entire involvement on it is just too ridiculous for words. Next year, Ashlee and Jessica Simpson will probably try out. Maybe even Howie Day. 

Some others make it through, including the bear-tastic dude and Meghan Corkrey, who I actually really like (She also gets a HUGE stamp of approval from our favorite audition dude, Chris Kirkham.) How sweet. Contestants celebrate while a Ford ad is emblazoned across their knees.

On your knees for Ford

Oh yes, American Idol always gets on its knees for Ford.

Crap, more “tension” builds as we await the rematch of Katrini Bikini (Bikini Girl) and Kara DioGuardi. Katrini Bikini is even showing us the bikinis she brought along on her trip:

America's Most Starved For Attention Butterface

I put stars on the boobs.

(Second best quote of the night. Sorry stupid Bikini Slag, nothing tops Nathaniel’s beautiful words.)

Here we go. Jesus. This chick is such a butterface. 

Audition #14
Katrini Bikini / Katrina Sarrell / Bikini Girl

I’m the next American Idol because…I am. 

Starting off with such a winning bimbo quote like that, and a dress which appears to be something which can be whipped off in a flash, we are now graced with the presence of Katrini Bikini. A girl who has zero talent, a decent body (Come on, there are better bodies out there. It was the fact she wore a bikini when no one else was wearing a bikini. Duh.) and apparently, not a shred of intelligence or a brain. I doubt she has many friends.

She sings Faith Hill’s Breathe. It is horrible. And she looks ugly while singing. Kara compliments her, but then slams her. Nicely done. Katrini Bikini says she wants the music around her for it to be better. Simon agrees and says she was better than her first audition. Randy agrees with Simon. Kara and Paula conspire with catty whispers. This is all so pathetic. Seriously. She’s really not all that attractive. 

But Katrini Bikini gets through. Kara tells Simon to “bring his pole tomorrow.” Hey, Kara, don’t insult pole dancers.

NO! Jessica Furney was cut! Jessica Furney gets cut but Katrini Bikini stays! BULLSHIT. As does, Sharon Wilbur, the chick who brought her dog into the audition. They also cut Patricia Roman, who got the pimp finale spot on the final audition show.

Audition #15
Jeremy Michael Sarver

Sarve, the Roughneck, like in Armageddon (one of the greatest shit movies EVER made). Randy says its one of the best voices he’s heard all day. Yawn. Where’s all the “drama” you promised with all those commercials, Idol? This is some of the lamest shit I’ve ever seen.

Jesus Valanzuela got crucified in Hollywood

Audition #16
Jesus Valenzuela

This is American Idol and they should NEVER turn down a guy named Jesus. But they do. They will be damned to hell. And he just wants to take the first flight out so he can get back to work. Poor guy. 

Before the commercial break, of course, we are promised more intense drama. Uh, ok. I’ll believe that when I see it. Are you guys going to have Jackie Tohn cage fight Joplanta? Come on! You want drama! Screw all this crying shit! I WANT CAGE FIGHTING!

Audition #17
David Osmond

I know he has a sad story, but I still don’t like his voice and don’t think he should be here. Because he is an Osmond. And he has not sung Soldier of Love.

Audition #18
Erika Wesley

Erika is annoying. Can’t explain it. But she is. Like in a stupid Brooke White kind of way. Good thing she gets sent home.

Audition #19
Emily Wynne-Hughes

Emily gets booted, probably tonight, even though she’s singing the amazing I Put A Spell on You. WAIT! She changes her song to some lame No Doubt bullshit.  Think she was doing it on purpose? Maybe she can go on tour with her band…that got a few mentions on national TV while she was auditioning. But Emily makes it through tonight. Who knows about tomorrow…but I still think she is better than all of this Idol nonsense.

Oh come on, annoying Erika is begging for another chance. I hate this chick even more. Paula claims she meant to write yes. Oh Paula, pop another pill! We know how good you are with your “notes”. Remember last season?

Bye Bye Erika!

Plants Brent Keith Smith and Anne Marie Boskovich also make it through. Stay-at-home Mom Alexis Grace also makes it, b/c apparently, the whole country is mad about babies so it must make stay-at-home moms REALLY cool. Just look at all those obnoxious photos of Suri Cruise.  

Adam Lambert also makes it, despite the fact he kind of looks like Pete Wentz right now.

Jackie Tohn RULES!

104 contestants got to survive another day. Yay! More Jackie Tohn! Jackie Tohn, if you were wondering, is already getting hated on by the Frauen and the teen set on those lame Idol boards. At least that’s what I’ve been told. Which makes her even more awesome! She’s also not nearly as planty as the Evil Joplanta or former Nashville Star contestant Brent Keith Smith. 

And Jorge (Not George. Tsk-tsk you culturally-insensitive Kara, you…). Jorge dances in joy. 

Jorge Nunez dances in joy

And tomorrow is the Infamous Group Day. I don’t think they did that last year. Group Day is always entertaining because it makes for some killer meltdowns and complete bitchiness. Yay! Group Day! Meltdowns! Bitchiness! Tears! YAY!

Wait…where did Barry Manilow go?

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. February 4, 2009 8:42 pm

    WADDUP! Hey, still haven’t caught my Tivo of last night’s Hollywood kick off, so I actually haven’t read this whole post (spoiler reasons, I’m a nerd).
    But, you know my vote: Megan Corkrey all the way! I’ll have to check out myself how she did.
    Suh-WEET

  2. standalone permalink
    February 4, 2009 9:49 am

    I want to like Rose Flack, but there was way to much crying in last night’s episode.
    I know some people enjoy the crying. It just irks me. If they can’t handle Hollywood week, then they don’t have the balls for the biz.

    Norman Gentle / Nick Mitchell is a trip. I hope he sticks around for a while.

  3. maxhate permalink
    February 4, 2009 8:56 am

    i want fag-on-hag hate crimes

    • TopIdol permalink
      February 4, 2009 9:43 am

      Maxhate, STOP THAT! I know you too well. You like gay people. You just want hate crimes against stupid people.

      Hmmm…..

  4. Liz permalink
    February 4, 2009 6:33 am

    Hm. I agree with almost everything you said.

    Lil Rounds was pretty horrible. I don’t get why the judges are so gaga over her. She’s basically LaToya Lite. And she won’t win. So… I don’t get it.

    Jasmine is pretty and markatable, but her voice is just above average.

    Danny is becoming pretty overrated. I like his tone, but his range is quite limited. I actually think his best friend is better than him.

    Von is pretty horrible, but I kind of feel sorry for him. I think the producers want him to become the villain. He’s going to be super hated on- like Sanjaya… everyone seems to hate him already.

    I love Emily- the song switch was pretty dumb tho. I still don’t get why she didn’t make top 36. She’s the best girl, imo.

    Love, love love, Jorge (NOT GEORGE, KARA)!

    Oh… and MARRY ME, ANOOP! LOVE HIM!!!

  5. February 4, 2009 3:29 am

    Oh I believe you need to do that. STAT.

  6. February 4, 2009 1:10 am

    Barry Manilow = Clay Aiken in 20 years time.

    • TopIdol permalink
      February 4, 2009 1:17 am

      Yeah, but Clay came out. Barry. Still remains “in”.

      All the die-hard Fanilows became Claymates, it seems. Ooooh, I may have to share the story of when Pinky went to the Manilow concert in Vegas and he encored with “Copacabana” mixed into Groove Armada’s “(See you baby) Shakin’ That Ass”. He finished by grabbing his crotch while being hoisted into the air…and staring straight into the eyes of Pinky’s husband.

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