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OMG Bikini Butterface: American Idol Hollywood Week Part Deux

February 5, 2009

Just from the introductory previews, we’re already led to believe this show is going to be a doozy. Bursting Skin ‘n’ Loins Nate Marshall accessorizes with headbands, funky sunglasses and melodramatic tears. People breakdown. Michael Castro commits Idol suicide, blah blah blah. Sweet!

However, the scene I witnessed about 25 minutes in when I turned on my TV (I Tivo this crap. How many Ford commercials should one person really sit through, anyway?) tells me the one big thing I need to know.

Katrini Bikini is a complete twat who wears skanky acid-dyed clothing they wouldn’t even sell on Venice Beach. America’s Evil Butterface is going to screw things up for sweet hippie chick Rose Flack. Which means Bikini Butterface is going to extend her 5 minutes of fame (Certainly Andy Warhol never envisioned reality TV now, did he? I would speculate reality television cuts out at least 10 of those 15 minutes. Hell, Joe The Plumber probably only got 12.5. We’re a fickle society nowadays.) by being an Evil Twat. 

PG-13 “modeling” shots of Bikini Butterface have popped up all over the interweb today, but I’m still in disbelief this chick didn’t enter herself into the Maxim Hometown Hotties contest. Plus, that other bikini model chick Casey Carlson actually has a face to match the body. Can’t these two bitches cage fight??

Group sing madness is beginning. I’m sure the producers stuck that shot of Scott MacIntyre with his walking stick in there so viewing public envisions him doing awkward dance routines. These people are cruel.

Nice mom-girl Meghan Corkrey infiltrates a group of evil brunettes including the dreadful Joplanta Pacitti. Screen time is given to that annoying Tatiana chick. Danny Gokey and Jamar Rogers get some pimping. Makes sense…Danny Gokey already has a Frauen Fan Board established! Oh yes, you knew it was coming. A young widower on Idol? Women are already having Sleepless in Seattle fantasies over this guy.

I want to kill Tatiana del Toro. And Bikini Butterface. Sweetheart, did you accidently confuse American Idol with the Rock of Love Bus? Homegirl is trying to be the Greasy Constantine of female contestants, perhaps. Because whenever she looks at the camera, I do see her pupils emitting VD.

Tatiana Twat is called a backstabber. And Satan. I do kind of want Ms. Toro to run with the bulls in Pamplona and be trampled and I haven’t even heard her sing a note yet this evening. She leaves her group and joins up with Nate Marshall and company (including a chick with a killer weave and some girl with a stripper dye job). Nate is not pleased. When he’s pissed, he likes to run his fingers through his hair. 

Nathaniel Marshall is AWESOME

Ok. Tatiana Twat has joined up with Nate, Nancy and Kristen. Apologies, I did not have the girls’ names before. We also just saw a shot of Scott MacIntyre dancing. I hate the producers for making a spectacle of the fact that, OMG, he is BLIND. Tatiana Twat decides she wants to go rejoin her old group. You know, the one that called her a backstabbing bitch. And Satan.

Idol Twat

Nancy is about to beat Tatiana Twat down! Yay! Please cage fight. PLEASE!!!

Do not frak with Nancy Wilson

Tonight is actually entertaining on the most basic and trashy of levels. It’s akin to some Top Model nonsense with all this fierce frakkery. Hey, I want to kick Tatiana Twat’s ass, too, so I totally see where these people are coming from. And hell, I’ve never even met the girl.

Nancy, Nate and Kristen decide to call themselves Compromise. They are all much happier now that Tatiana Twat is gone. But Tatiana Twat keeps pissing off her people by being a self-centered twit. Even after a group hug she pisses them off. And boy does she have balls! She did it on a balcony. I can’t believe they didn’t push her off, but I guess they probably would have been eliminated from the competition then, right?

Compromise is not compromising anymore because Kristen wants to rest and Nancy DID NOT COME HERE TO REST. I’ve heard the word drama about 10 times in 30 seconds. Oh, this is sooooo Top Model. And now Kristen is crying because she cannot handle Nancy speaking the TRUTH. Apparently, Kristen thinks she can skate by on a passing resemblance to Mena Suvari and a LiveStrong bracelet.

Kristen McNamera is sooo lame

Of for chrissake, they did not name themselves Team Diva. Please tell me that was made up by the producers so Seacrest could paraphrase. You do not put Hippie Chick Flack in a group called Team Diva. Anyway, Team Diva is falling apart! Hippie Chick Flack knows Bikini Butterface is going to screw them all up because the bitch just ain’t working hard.

Bikini Butterface goes to her room and fakes some tears. 

YAY! Nate Marshall is crying because he could not get those girls to get along. Nate Marshall is the most quotable contestant EVER on this shit show.

You both can’t get over each other to realize that it’s not just your dream at stake here.

Nate Marshall RULES!!! Nancy rules! Emily Wynne-Hughes just listens to all of it. Granted, it is 4am. I would probably be tired and pissed, too, but…THIS IS YOUR DREAM! THERE IS NO TIME FOR REST WHEN THIS IS YOUR DREAM. 

The Sun Also Rises on Group Day

It’s 7am. A new day has dawned. Of course, people are still crying, they should still be happy they got a buffet breakfast. Tatiana is wearing some Susan Lucci hand-me-down and does her stupid laugh. Team Diva can’t find Bikini Butterface. I suspect she’s giving some key grip a handy. 

Awww, Bikini Butterface can’t hack it. She says she’s not going to get out of bed. 

YES! One of my favorites, Alex Wagner-Trugman is there! He’s in a group with Emily Wynne-Hughes and Plant Anne Marie Boskovich, as well as some guy whose name I do not know. They call themselves ACTION SQUAD! And of course, things are falling apart! Why? Because this is American Idol and its Hollywood Week Group Day!

Of course, Bikini Butterface shows up. And she’s wearing a most skanktastic outfit as I noticed before. She expects her fellow teammates to cheer for her not giving up on her dream after coming so far.

You have to teach me what I missed.

Bikini Butterface is such a twat. Perhaps she is a master at getting screen time, but this chick really needs to hitch a ride with the Rock of Love Bus. She acts as if she has no idea why the others look so damn pissed. 

After the break, the singing begins. That was awesome. No singing on Idol for half the show! Sweet!

Group #1
Matt Giraud, India Harrison, Justin Williams, Kris Allen
White Chocolate

Justin Williams and Kris Allen look a bit constipated

What an awesome name. I think the mixed gender groups were a good idea. Isn’t this a new thing? I liked India from her audition, actually. She was kind of fun. The guys sing kind of nicely and India RAPS! They were kind of fun. As far as groups go, they definitely meshed. It must have been because of the kick ass name.

Groups #2-3

Maryn Azoff hurt her arm. Austin Sisneros is all earnestly wholesome.  J.B. Ahfua wants to put the Asian into American Idol but ends up signing about doo doo, apparently. And someone named Shelby Swartwood does a whole lot of nothing. 

Julissa Veloz makes a complete ass of herself while poor Jorge Nunez dances along in the background. She also makes VD eyes at the camera. 

Julissa Veloz sucks. Adios.

Also in their group was NORMAN GENTLE. Er, I mean Nick Mitchell (He’s being “real” now). Anyway, the girls are toast and Jorge and Norman/Nick make it through YAY!

Norman Gentle! Nick Mitchell! And Jorge Nunez!

Group #4
Anne Marie Boskovich, Ryan Pinkston, Alex Wagner-Trugman, Emily-Wynne Hughes
Action Squad

Alex Wagner-Trugman is cool. I love him. Emily Wynne-Hughes forgets her lyrics and Plant Boskovich feeds them to her. I really think Emily blew this on purpose. But she says her heart is broken. Wedding singer Ryan Pinkston also has to go back to Boston, which doesn’t surprise me. Mainly because this is the first time I have ever seen Ryan Pinkston. Emily will now tour Europe with her band. 

Farewell

Ryan Pinkston feels manipulated and assaulted. He also believes he saw an evil in Paula’s eyes. Sigh. I think I might miss Ryan Pinkston. Kudos to him for scoring memorable screen time before he bid us all adieu.

Paula Abdul is the Devil

Group day continues. I wonder what goes through Jasmine Murray’s mind because she never seems to talk. She just stares. I think she might just be simmering, but Hippie Chick Flack is still livid at Bikini Butterface.

Simon keeps insulting a bunch of people I don’t recognize. Go figure. Although the editing could have been better since they showed both Norman/Nick and Jorge during his montage of hatred. I wish reality television understood how to use a B-Roll in a more honest and accurate manner. But of course group sings are going to SUCK. They suck every week when they have them during the semi-finals and finals. They can’t harmonize with a group then, either.

But it makes for crap TV and people love crap TV. So horrible group sings will be forevermore.

Group #5
Danny Gokey, Jamar Rogers, Taylor Vaifanua, some other chick…

Already has a Frau Board!!!

The guys in this group, particularly Gokey and Vaifanua (who I know is in her 30s), have already received a gratuitous amount of pimping. They also decide to take a risk and go a capella. For some reason, I wonder why all these idiots just don’t do that.  Anyway, we’re also not given the other girl’s name, which kind of irritates me, considering everyone in that group made it. Simon tells Danny to step forward so it looks like only he makes it at first. YAWN. 

A bunch of other people I’ve never seen go home.

Groups #6-7
Jeremy Michael Sarver, Adam Lambert, Matt Breitzke,  Jesse Langseth, some other people

They all make it. And I’ve decided I really like Adam Lambert, even if he kind of looks like a Pete Wentz D-bag. And I think Beartastic Breitzke is kind of fun, too.

We’re coming close to when Team Diva performs. Bikini Butterface is whoring it up backstage and grinding on the chick on her Team who I can’t recall but has huge ta-tas. I don’t understand why Hippie Chick Flack hasn’t just stabbed this bitch by now. Jasmine Murray actually speaks 5 words. She says, “We’re going to do great.” I realize when I pause the Tivo I am rather frightened by the teenager’s blush. They should have totally told Bikini Butterface to go frak herself.

Jasmine Murray, Bikini Butterface, Rose Flack and Lauren Barnes pretend to play nice

Group #8
Lauren Barnes, Rose Flack, Jasmine Murray, Bikini Butterface
Team Diva

Yellow Dress Ta-Tas has a name and it is Lauren Barnes. Good to know. While Bikini Butterface is skanking it up on stage, we cut to this INCREDIBLE image of Simon:

2nd Best Screenshot EVER

I want to kill Bikini Butterface. Jasmine Murray is effortlessly solid. Poor Flack is hung out to dry, but she tries her hardest to overcome the evil which is Bikini Butterface. Once they’re all done the excuses begin, Bikini Butterface is out of control.

I was in heels since 5 in the morning. And then I was up till 3, and then…I have scoliosis and I was sitting on the floor and my back was hurting and I was so…tired…I was soooo tired.

Go Home Bikini Butterface

Simon finally calls that twat out. Rose, Lauren and Bikini Butterface get sent home. But not before Bikini Butterface poses. Obviously, Jasmine is the only one who stays. Kara looks gleeful as she boots Bikini Butterface, who leaves without even hugging Jasmine or the other girls.  She practically skips out and waves to the camera. Kara quips, She must be ready for her closeup

That’s the most I’ve liked Kara all season. I think she then tells Bikini Butterface to go frak herself, but naturally, it’s bleeped out.

Bikini Butterface refuses to play nice with her teammates even though Sweet Hippie Chick Rose Flack is in tears. Bikini Butterface is a cruel bitch. She doesn’t even deserve to be in feature-length porn. And she is going to age terribly. 

David Osmond got his ass sent back to Utah, as does frau bait Austin Sisernos. But not before Paula gropes him.

Paula Abdul gropes Austin Sisernos

Blond Deanna also goes home. Sort of a surprise. I figured she would make it to the final 50, at least. And we’ve still not heard a peep from Joplanta, Plant Twiford, or Michael Castro. Again, even in New England, I can hear the mournful sobs of Stoner J fans everywhere.

Team Tatiana Twat
Tatiana del Toro, Muna Hiluf, some other chicks

These bitches can’t harmonize worth a shit. And Tatiana should not be wearing such a tight sequined top. Completely unbecoming. Some chick in a holey shirt named Kaylen is told to step forward, after we see a close-up of her clutching hands with Muna Hiluf. It’s as if American Idol is trying to shoot a Benetton ad 10 years too late. She looks as if her dog died. 

Why did you kill Kaylen's dog?

For some reason, they all get to live another day. Tatiana is sobbing and thanking Jesus and everyone associate with the show. Why? Because they ARE ALL APART OF HER. I hate this twat. And her pathetic attempts at being as quotable as Nate Marshall are desperate. and shameless. Girl whose name I do not know is eating Kaylen’s hair.

Tatiana del Toro is a self-centered twat

Team Compromise
Nate Marshall, Kristen McNamera, Nancy Wilson

NATE! You’re an atheist! Yet you’re praying to God on national TV?? Well, I do give you credit for doing it as a last ditch effort, and acknowledging you “haven’t been the best of friends”. My mother always told me there are no atheists in foxholes, although I’m not so sure I buy it. In any case, Nate is smart enough to know most Idol viewers love the power of prayer.  

Kristen McNamera is all tired of the drama and acting like a bimbo while she makes ridiculous attempts at flirting with Simon. Not as obnoxious as frakking Pickler, but I’m already sick of this chick. Nancy Wilson screws up, which makes me sad. But I guess she needs to change her name before embarking on a career, anyway. The judges accuse them of sabotaging each other while on backup. Obviously, Kristen is the girl who is deemed safe. It’s not like we don’t know who the Top 36 are already.

Bye bye Nancy

Kristen tries being nice to a sobbing Nancy. Kristen bugs me. Nate/Nathaniel is awesome. I want Nancy to cage fight Kristen. Oh, and she won’t even take Nate’s hug. Nancy is PISSED. YAY! She bleeps the blond bimbo! Yay! Cage fight. Awww, now Nancy let’s Nate comfort her. 

Some other people get booted, some of which I recognize but do not remember their names. Some chick named Phoebe tries to beg. We also see a bunch of people going through, including the EVIL JOPLANTA, as well as Lil Rounds, Kai Kalama (Citizen Cope lookalike!) and Meghan Corkrey (Chris Kirkham’s favorite gal in the competition). The lobotomized Danny Noriega, Cody Sheldon, is also coming back…duh, we already know how far these people go!

Michael Castro lives to see another day. Here is a photo of Michael Castro, which I’m posting as a gift to all the Stoner J fans who want my head on a stick. (I imagine we’ll see him get the axe next week, as he does already have scheduled performance dates for the upcoming weeks booked.)

I can’t believe I found this bad boy, actually, but I am super excited! Look what Michael Castro is doing in this photo!

YAY! YAY! YAY FOR CAGE FIGHTING!!!!!!

Michael Castro Cage Fights?

Plant John Twiford still reminds me of Greasy Constantine. Ewwww…

Tonight was almost entertaining. But OMG, next week will be like sooooo intense! It’s the most intense Hollywood Week ever! And we get to live it all for two whole weeks! 

Where is my percocet? My percocet is soooo relevant.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. February 6, 2009 10:08 am

    That picture of Castro just sent 100K frauen into a finger-banging frenzy

  2. standalone permalink
    February 5, 2009 3:50 pm

    Amusing write up, TopIdol.

    I did feel a little bad for Nancy, even though girl needs some anger management.
    Nancy had to put up with Kristen the ditsy slacker, crying Nate and the Tatiana nonsense.
    Then, those three made it through and she was sent home… I’d be pissed.

  3. UnitsGirl permalink
    February 5, 2009 12:54 pm

    UnitsGuy is pretty sure he saw Bikini Butterface’s twat… she is a twat though.

  4. Liz permalink
    February 5, 2009 10:59 am

    Hm. I don’t understand why they allow fodder (people who have ZERO chance of winning) through, and tey boot people like Emily. That’s wuite confusing.

    I felt bad for Ncany, and i think they were trying to make her look like a ghetto villain on camera. Oh well.

    And YES Jasmine wears a ridiculous amount of make-up.

    And the hippie blonde girl… is she pregnant? She’s been looking pregnant since yesterday. If you look, you may notice it.

    Adam is AMAZING! I think he could go top 5, if he plays it straight.

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