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Mas Drama! American Idol Hollywood Week Part 3

February 11, 2009

Now that we’re done with the ridiculous group sings (for now…), its time to reduce the “Hollywood” contestants from 72 to…wait, this show is also on tomorrow night. They’ll be cut to 36 tomorrow. This is the episode when they put them into the rooms where they’re either winners or losers.

Yes, because like Kara DioGuardi, when I have a long and arduous night of “work” ahead of me, I wear constrictive lace tops.

WAIT! Time warp. Crap, we have to hear actual SINGING. Yes, we’re going back to the beginning of the day, before they stuck the karaoke kiddies in a holding room. Quick! Cut to fast-motion film of L.A. going from night to day. You try to run. You try to hide. Break on through to the other side.

While Idol has never given us a Lizard King, they have given us slimeballs like Greasy Constantine!

Greasy Constantine Maroulis gets uglier with each passing day

Now that you’ve gagged on your Fruit Loops, let’s move from 2005 to the present day. Ooops, I mean, let’s go back in time to THIS MORNING. Or like, sometime in December, whenever tonight’s shit show was filmed.

Seacrest is wearing his Mr. Rogers sweater again. You have to give the guy credit for a least trying to pretend he didn’t film all these “the-tension-is-so-high-RIGHT-NOW” moments at once. He really, really, really does try.

Adam Lambert
I like Adam Lambert’s campiness. Yes, the guy is “musical theater”, but he’s that kind of “glam rock musical theater” if that makes any sense. He already had fans out there claiming he’s not gay. Uh, ladies…I think he’s kind of already out…oh, and he will be performing Cher’s Believe for the judges.

Adam Lambert Loves Cher

Personally, I’ve been excited to see a lot more out-and-proud-ish contestants this year. And I love Cher. Cher rules. Lambert turns Believe into a ballad, and its still a bit campy. However, I like campy and I like to be entertained, therefore this guy is kind of fun. And chances are, he’s not a big ol’ Jesus freak. Idol loves them some Jesus freaks so if you’re not a big ol’ Jesus freak, and if you have tattoos, quasi-interesting style and look as if you haven’t spent your entire youth in a church lock-in, chances are I’m gonna like you.

The judges are pleased with Lambert’s “risky song choice.” Kara looks like she wants to jump him. This guy is so sailing through, even if oh, we didn’t know who the Top 36 were already.

Matt Giraud sings Georgia on My Mind

Matt Giraud
The dueling-pianist-by-trade now gets to play the keyboard for his audition. He does Georgia On My Mind, which means they first do a quick shot of Randy digging it. Because you know, Randy’s black and this song was made famous by a black dude. They also cut to Kara and she looks like she’s in heat. She even yells out that its “hot”! Anyway, Giraud gets a standing ovation and I didn’t hate him.

Jamar Rogers will be sacrificed like a baby lamb

Jamar Rogers
Many people have already said they predict the final “chair decision” to be between Milwaulkee BFFs Jamar Rogers and Danny Gokey. And it certainly appears to be set up this way, meaning Rogers will get screwed mainly because he does not have a dead wife. Of course, it doesn’t stop Kara from wanting a piece of that. Or Paula. Even Simon is enjoying Rogers’ rendition of the Plain White T’s irritating Delilah, which is actually more appealing than the original. I kind of like Jamar’s voice, so I’m already bummed he gets screwed b/c his buddy is a widower.

His buddy, Danny, well, Danny looks super excited to watch Jamar singing, too! Oh, come on. As if this isn’t just setting up that chair bullshit, then those wacky Idol producers have certainly lost their flair for ultra-predictable melodrama. They hug backstage. They both get screentime!

Danny Gokey is excited for Jamar!

Danny Gokey
He barely gets a note out before Paula starts acting like a batshit crazy school girl. It’s already obvious Gokey is going to go far in this competition. He’s a Church Music Teacher (in a very uh, extreme Christian church group. Supposedly, Jamar also attends? Jamar the bartender? No way!) with a dead wife. A dead wife who was born with a “bad heart” and died 3 weeks before his audition. Some people may find this utterly suspect and / or in poor taste, but others have already proclaimed him the auditory equivalent of The Notebook. Danny Gokey could be the Idol to end all others with the amount of family ‘n’ frauen already lining up on message boards to sing his praises. And we’re not even in the voting rounds! Here’s a prediction: Danny Gokey will have fans that are on par with and could, quite possibly put the Claymates to shame. I forsee his fanbase surpassing the wackiest of Jason Castro’s Dreadheads by oh, April 1st.

Anyway, Gokey sings that I Hope You Dance song and Paula can’t stop bouncing up and down. I’ve always hated that song. And after the commercial break we’ll have more drama! And more Tatiana Twat. Ugh…

Please don't make Slumdog Millionaire comparisons

Anoop Desai
I’m kind of rooting for this guy because Idol is always lacking in Asian talent. (Ramiele Malubay, Ramikin, you kind of sucked because you sang every tired Idol song ever sang in every other season, so I don’t consider you fair representation.)  Anoop sings Bobby Brown’s My Perogative and he’s decent. He has the other contestants on their feet. I already know this kid makes the Top 36 and I would love to believe it’s based on his talent, but I know better. Idol just wants to cash in on the popularity of Slumdog Millionaire.

Jorge Nunez
Jorge sings that crap…I can’t remember the name of that song but they play it all the time. I like Jorge Nunez. I am beginning to wonder if Idol finally figured out they can try to bring the Jonas Brothers crowd in and try to work the Slumdog Millionaire with all their might but maybe, just maybe, they’ll only actually expand their audience (and become RELEVANT once more) by getting the gays to watch.

Scott MacIntyre sings and plays piano and is a genius

Scott MacIntyre
MacIntyre FINALLY gets to play the piano! He also sings Daughtry, which I often think is a no-no, singing stuff done by other contestants. And this song was featured prominently on the show during season 6, right? Well, I can’t dog on a blind guy, especially a blind genius. I’ll dog on him for making really bad family church sing-a-longs, but that’s about it. For now, anyway.

Paula gave him a standing ovation and he didn’t see it. But he was told about it and this made his day. I am so thankful Seacrest wasn’t there to give him a high five.

The first quarter of the show has been devoted to the guys, which frankly, is SMART. Because who are the bread & butter of this show? Scary fantards and fan frauen! But obviously, we have to have some female singers so…let’s start with a CUTE BLONDE BIMBO!

Kendall Beard's manmade clevage

Kendall Beard
This chick annoys me, mainly because I hate 98% of all cute little blondes on this show. Hmmm…do I have any cute little blonde friends? Well…those are different b/c they’re cool. But I pretty much hate bubbly blonde chicks, particularly those in stupid headbands from Texas who are surgically enhanced at a very young age. Beard also sings Carrie Underwood (ugh…) and has a piss poor spray tan. I have made a vow to hate on this chick as long as she’s on the show.

Stevie Wright
Where have you been, Stevie? I think I kind of almost liked you before. Oh but you just sang that horrible Colbie Caillat song. Strike 1!

Lil Rounds
And Lil just sang that stupid Alicia Keys song which, hmmm, just might be bordering on Idol-stage retirement age by this point, no?

Kristen MacNamera
Ms. MacNamera apparently starved herself in the months between her televised audition and Hollywood Week. She has tacky stripper hair and is kind of annoying. Oh, and she’s also DUMB AS ROCKS b/c she actually believed Seacrest when he told her Nancy Wilson was sitting behind her.

Kristen MacNamera is an idiot

MacNamera sings Kelly Clarkson’s Because of You…groan…although I sometimes wonder if having 4 albums and being the best damn thing to come out of this show makes it okay to sing her music? No. Sorry. Still hate when they do that crap. MacNamera has a HUGE mouth and if she wasn’t so damn annoying, I might think her voice was semi-ok. But it’s too late. And I kept hoping she would trip on her dress.

Mishavonna Henson
She has a halfway decent voice but I didn’t care for the song. Henson worries she’s going to be cut as she was last year, but oh, come on…you know they only give those a teeny amount of screentime if they make it the second time around. And of course, we already know the Top 36!

Tatiana Twat (er…I mean Tatiana del Toro)
I really, really, really hate this girl. I can’t even appreciate her extreme manipulations and intense narcissism for the entertainment value. The fact she has made it this far is just unbelievable, especially since we went through all her other vocal stylings in the competition in about 1.5 minutes before seeing her sing this time around. She’s HORRIBLE. I mean, really HORRIBLE. She is shrill and obnoxious. She also sings WHITNEY HOUSTON! (And one of Houston’s worse songs EVER) This girl is one of the most dreadful things I have seen on TV in a long time.

Please strangle Tatiana Del Toro

Well, at least since the last episode of Rock of Love Bus. That was already pretty damn trashy but in this week’s episode, they managed to completely overflow the landfill when Greasy Constantine’s “merch girl” Jamie  was brought on as a “wild card contestant”.

Rock of Love Bus Jamie / Constantine Maroulis' Assistant

Ok. Forget the Rock of Love Bus and let’s get back to the shit show at hand! Anyway, when Tatiana sings, she looks as if she is in pain. But not in a good way. And she puts ME in pain. And now she’s spinning around talking about how awesome she did.

Alexis Grace
Another idiot sings Carrie Underwood. And she pretty much sucked.

Kenny Hoffpauer
Was he singing Jason Mraz?

Makeup a bit too heavy for a 16-year-old

Jasmine Murray
Barbie Doll Jasmine sings Jordin Sparks’ Tattoo. No, this is not a testament to how much Idol contestants have done for the music industry. It is ANNOYING. It is STUPID. Why do these people insist on going this route? Do they think it’s a really good way of kissing ass? Sorry. Seems like a dumb decision to me. (Although as we already know, Jasmine makes the Top 36…)

AND NOOOOOO. Jasmine Murray is sitting next to the Evil Joplanta in Room 2! Wonder why we haven’t seen any Joplanta since her audition? Oh, that’s an easy one. Because then her plantiness will be you know, much less obvious. Sure…

Nate Marshall is cooler than you and your headbands

Nathaniel Marshall
Yay! My favorite drama queen of the season. He’s also been the most quotable contestant. I can’t wait until he beats the living crap out of Tatiana Twat in that cage fight. Kendall Beard could really take some tips about how to wear a headband from Nate. Anyway, Marshall sings an quasi-acoustic Disturbia. I’m really sick of this song. But who cares? Nate is fun.

NOOOOO! NOOOOO! NOOOOOO!

Joplanta Pacitti
The “unemployed” FAIL totally bites it while singing Alicia Keys. This would be incredibly amusing to watch, had she not made it to the Top 36. Yes, everybody, it pays to be a plant and have your boyfriend’s shit band do Kara DioGuardi songs. It pays to be “best of friends” and former roommates with Idol producers.

Casey Carlson is an actual bikini model...not like that butterface chick

Casey Carlson
The real bikini model of the season fraks it all up while singing Tattoo. Between her and the Evil Joplanta, I wonder how the hell they made it into the Top 36. But at least Carlson isn’t fug like Bikini Butterface, a girl who honestly believes she’ll be modeling for Victoria’s Secret one day.

Cool Guy. Bad Song Choice

Stephen Fowler
Another guy who seems kind of fun who we haven’t seen enough of…ugh…he sings last year’s coronation song, The Time of My Life. He bites it! He asks to start over. Ryan Seacrest starts talking about Brooke White. Stephen Fowler: WHY DID YOU CHOSE THIS SHIT SONG???

Why does anyone ever chose former-Idol songs?

Uh, oh. Tatiana gets called out of her waiting room. And she looks all scared. I am hoping for my long-awaited cage fight. All I want is one cage fight on this show. That’s it. Just one. Please??

But after the commercial break, we’re gonna get to see NORMUND GENTLE, er, Nick Mitchell!

Nick Mitchell / Normund Gentle / Norman Gentle
Although he was called atrocious and Simon hates him, I LOVE NICK/NORMUND. He says its an impulsive decision who he will go on stage as, usually made only 5 minutes before. I love this guy. YES! He came out as Norman/Normund (Which one is it, anyway?) and performed Georgia on My Mind.

Rules with any name

This guy is more original, more creative, more talented and more entertaining than the vast majority of people who have ever been on this show.

We see more scenes of the judges deliberating on the fates of the final 38 contestants who have been stuck in that badly-carpeted waiting room. But not before we hear Randy say, “Oh, she’s 16, let’s put her back.” Hmmm…put her back as a yes? Or put her back as a no?

Well, the final 38 are split up, including Michael Castro who, is obviously in the loser room. So many Dreadheads must be livid right now because we only got to hear Stoner J’s brother sing ONE TIME! The horror, well, of course, in their eyes, they knew this would happen because, “Jason Castro was the worst-treated contestant in Idol history.” (That’s a direct quote, kids, direct quote!)

Nick Mitchell is making everyone else in Room 4 freak out. Ha. I love you, Nick / Norman.

Anne Marie Boskovich
She’s apparently the 17th contestant to sing I Hope You Dance. Plant Boskovich bugs. Even if/when I find out Croatian, she still might bug me. I have a soft spot in my heart from my Croats, but there is something about this girl…I’m just not sure. However, if it was between her or Joplanta FAILcitti, I would choose Boskovich.

Cool Name

Junot Joyner
I am now wondering if everyone had a list of 10 songs to choose from, because Joyner is singing Delilah, just as Jamar Rogers did. I like Junot Joyner’s name. Not as much as Kai Kalama, but it’s still a fun name.

TWATIANA (I just had to simplify her name and this one just fits!)  has been moved to Room 4. Between her and Nick/Norman, everyone else in their room looks as if their head will explode.

Kaylan Loyd
Another one who sings that stupid Alicia Keys song. And mangles the words. I am trying not to hold my feelings about her wardrobe choices against her, but sometimes I can be really catty and shallow.

Leneshe Young
Leneshe used to be kind of homeless. Which gives her a GREAT back story in Idol world. She sings Love Song, which I also dislike, but at this point in the show, it’s a welcome change from all the other crap I’ve repeatedly heard. I like Leneshe Young. She looks like she could be a really fun singer, just like Alexandra Lushington and A’ishah Epperson who left the stage way too soon last year.

Kai Kalama
Citizen Kai! I’ve wanted to see a lot more of this guy. Since he supposedly makes it to the Top 36, then good. Because I think he might be pretty good. I wonder how he could avoid getting nutty fans…

Da Roughneck

Michael Sarver
The Roughneck is dull in my eyes, even though I know him sticking around means I can start throwing an Armageddon quote into every recap until he bids adieu.

Simon, luckily, has to fly back to London. Randy, Kara and Paula have to break the news to Room 2. They do the standard freak out bit and then let them through. Joplanta should not have made it. Paula uses this chance to kiss Michael Sarver.

In order to torture people, they don’t stick them in rooms say, on different floors. They stick them next to each other so they can hear the others cheering. So now Room 3 people are freaking out, and rightfully so, because…none of that little Top 36 list names are on there! One of the people freaking out is India Morrison.

Room 3

India Morrison
Unfortunately, I think she’s done, but I loved India Morrison. I thought she was talented and fun. And I loved her sister. Alas.

Leneshe Young and Kaylan Loyd also say goodbye. Who cares about Kaylan, but Leneshe was kind of cool. MICHAEL CASTRO is also told its “the end of the road.” Yes, THE Michael Castro, who we have not heard sing since his audition in KC. Oh yes, it must be because Idol just hates those Castros. (Can’t wait until 2 years from now when Lil’ Jackie Castro auditions. American Idol is the Castro family’s mega-meal ticket. Expect Michael Castro “merch” to be available by the end of February! You may have to tack on another $20 to your Jason Castro Music fanclub membership, but come on! That means even more Castro! And you Castro fans KNOW you’re gonna buy those merch goodies.

Room 1
Hmmm…a bunch of people we knew were going to make it through start cheering. Jackie Tohn, Jamar Rogers, Danny Gokey, et al…

Room 4
When you hear two rooms that scream, what does that mean? Nice job, Idol wannabes! You can ADD!

I think they’re “mixing it up” this year and taking THREE ROOMS. It would make sense mathematically, since they’re now taking 36 rather than 24. Oh, and I’ve seen that “rumored list” and a bunch of the names on that “rumored list” are sitting in Room 4. Twatiana is freaking out. Of course, we all knew what was gonna happen. Twatiana keeps crying, groping Paula, groping Kara.

Tomorrow night, the Top 36 are revealed. Sorry, idiots, but you could have tried to keep it a better secret. That list seems to be pretty right on. Obviously Freemantle / 19E, your employees hate you and will release any good info to the general public. Probably without even getting paid.

Yeah. Because you kind of suck.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Megan permalink
    March 16, 2009 4:50 pm

    have you seen all of the pics of adam lambert kissing a guy? EEEWWWWWW why would he do that> i think he is really cute but the gayness justr takes it away!

  2. KMFROCK permalink
    February 11, 2009 7:44 pm

    Whoever that large guy was that exasperatedly threw his hand up and said “So it’s a no or what?” is my new best friend. Don’t know it he can squeak out a note but still… Fantastic.

  3. February 11, 2009 12:06 pm

    Your view of Anoop making it far is pretty cynical. They held he auditions in August right? So they must’ve picked the top 36 before Christmas, before Slumdog was released in the US.

  4. Liz permalink
    February 11, 2009 11:25 am

    It was a semi-good episode. Some notables:

    1. Anoop is great, but I don’t think he’ll go far, being Indian and everything.
    2. The piano guy was great. I hope he gets far.
    3. Scott was really good. I didn’t like his audition, but this was great.
    4. I’m not really on board with Lil because I find her boring, and she’s no Tasia, so I don’t understand the pimpage.
    5. I likes Nathaniel- sure, he’s a drama queen, but I think he’s talented and entertaining.
    7. The blond chick with the big mouth- her voice is good, but she needs better control.
    8. I actually think Tatiana is a decent singer. Super annoying, though.
    9. Adam was good. Love that song.
    10. Carly > Joplanta.

    Lenishe and Ahsia should’ve stayed. They had more potential than the cannon fodder they allowed through. Oh well.

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