The Most Pointless Chair Show EVER: American Idol Top 36 “Revealed”

This year, the American Idol semifinalists meet their fates in some grandiose mansion. They’re even pitting gays vs. gays, bears vs. bears, geek vs. geek, blonde bimbo vs. blonde bimbo tonight at the “judge’s mansion”. Some will have to sing for their lives! Dreams will be shattered. Twatiana, like a cockroach, will still survive.

No. Seriously. Whose house is it?

Of course, all of this is a bit anticlimactic, considering Joe’s Place broke the Top 36 what, three weeks ago?

#1 Anoop Desai

Yes! America’s favorite Indian kid, next to Slumdog Millionaire’s Dev Patel. I’m digging Anoop, mainly because I think Asia needs a bit more representation on this shit show and oh yeah, I am almost always rooting for the smart ones. Anoop Desai is a college student who wrote his Honors Thesis in American Studies on the Importance of Barbeque to the American South. Honors Thesis! And to think up until this year, most Idol contestants & viewers thought those words were the name of an STD Kellie Pickler contracted. (Perhaps David Cook proved a college degree was really cool?)

I digress. Anyway, Anoop makes it. Just as the magical list predicted he would. Am I the only one thankful they didn’t start playing MIA’s Paper Planes as he triumphantly left the room after hearing the unanimous verdict? Of course, Randy still yelled out, “Anoop in da house”, however, I’ll only try and win the small battles.

#2 Von Smith

Von irritates me with his indulgent nonsense. Many uber-Frauen and tweentards HATE Von Smith, which makes him more likable, however, he kind of bugs. And I wonder if the magical makeup artists of Idol can cover up the hives he obviously breaks into when shitting in his pants. Paula tells him he can be both gay (ok, I paraphrased there…) and introspective. So, Paula, uh…you can’t be both homosexual and introspective?

#3 Cody Sheldon vs.
#4 Alex Wagner-Trugman

Cody Sheldon, aka the non-sociopath 2nd coming of Danny Noriega, is kind of a likable kid. I like the fact he makes horror movies and sings someone other than Usher. They’re pitting him against Alex Wagner-Trubman in an obvious geek vs. geek matchup.

Whatevia. I like geeks. Idol, you suck!

I love Wagner-Trugman for some reason. Wait. I know why! He’s a super-cool geek! Even if he’s doing Elton John’s Don’t Let The Sun Go Down (On Me) for his sing off song. He clearly won it though, hands down. Wagner-Trugman kind of looks like a without-swim-cap Michael Phelps, sans bong. I’m kind of sad for Cody Sheldon b/c they seemed like fun little buddies. Or that was good editing.

#5 Adam Lambert

Adam likes the judge’s chairs. He’s made it through and the decision is unanimous. It’s not good news, it’s great news! Of course, Randy adds a “Work it out, dawg” to the well wishing…And he gets hugs from Jamar Rogers and Kai Kalama, because the cool dudes stick together (too bad Jamar gets sacrificed for his best widower buddy, Gokey).

The pre-commercial scenes promise more Twatiana (obviously) and shots of former atheist Nate Marshall both praying and wearing a cross. While I think the latter is for accessorizing purposes only, I can’t help but to appreciate the fact he’s playing to the God-fearing, Jesus-adoring Idol viewing public.

#6 Taylor Vaifauna

For chrissake, can we please drop the “I’m 17” act? Bare Minerals can’t even help this chick, nor does the fact she sang that sucky Alicia Keys song for her final Hollywood Week performance. Vaifauna is as believable as a 17-year-old as were those little Chinese gymnasts, just on the other end of the spectrum. She is the Andrea Zuckerman of American Idol. And of course, she makes it through. Like we didn’t see that one coming

#7 Jasmine Murray

The barbie doll makes it.

#8 Arianna Asfar

As does this chick.

#9 Casey Carlson

As does the  non-butterface bikini model chick.

#10 Meghan Corkrey

Meghan??? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??? We have not seen enough of you over the past two weeks. And hey, if Chris Kirkham has your vote, than I like you, too. And since you’re making it to the next round, I guess we’ll see more of you.

Wow. This is only like, 30 minutes in and we’re already down 10 contestants. All of which, I may add, appeared on that wonderful little list that appeared a few weeks ago…

#11 Mishavonna Henson

I’m wondering if they’ll make her shorten her name to Misha or Vonna for the sake of Mishavonna having too many syllables.

#12 Stevie Wright

I think I like Stevie Wright, but I can’t remember. Guess I’ll see next week.

#13 Joanna “Joplanta” Pacitti

I think in every song I forgot my lyrics, so that’s a huge mistake.

And those are the words of the Evil Joplanta Pacitti. Gee, Joplanta, you ever wonder why you’re such a failure in the business? Maybe it’s because you CANNOT REMEMBER YOUR LYRICS. Did Sacchrine Mormon Nanny Brooke White make it okay for all of you people to be such idiots? Or are you just faux-forgetting your lyrics so the audience doesn’t remember what a goddamned plant you are.

But thank you Joplanta, thanks for admitting to the fact that YOU SUCK. And letting us know that you only got on this shit show because of your dubious connections. It’s been a tough road for her? Why? Because she’s a failure? Oh…because she doesn’t know who she is as an “artist”. Kara tries to play all bad cop with her. Whatevia. You know they were giggling together after the take. Paula tells her its a show that can either “make her or break her”. Uh…ok…hasn’t she already proven she can’t make it?

Joplanta does her crocodile tears bit and acts like she had no idea she was going to make it through. Even though she took the spot of someone who could probably sing AND remember their lyrics.

#14 T.K. Hash

Poor guy didn’t get it.

#15 Chris Chatman

Nor did this dude who I swear I’ve never seen before tonight. But he kind of resembles Lt. Gaeta on Battlestar Galactica.

#16 Reggi Beasley

I’ve never seen this Michael Castro doppelganger before tonight, either. But I might wonder for the next few minutes why he spells his first name with an “i”.

Awww, those three boys’ dreams were shattered.

#17 Kendall Beard

Blonde bimbo alert! Blonde bimbo in stupid headbands with fake boobs! I really hope this girl is out of here before the final 12. Seriously. She bugs. Yes, I know some might think I discriminate unfairly against dumb bleach blonde girls singing country music and acting all flakey. And you’re right! I do! It’s also the second time the contestants pull that “it’s not [insert superlative here]” fake out. Yawn.

More dumb blondes! Dumb blondes battling it out! Still no cage fights.

#18 Jenn Korbee
vs. #19 Kristen McNamamara

Korbee has auditioned with her husband. He had gotten cut during Hollywood Week. We already know she’s getting sacrificed for the idiotic and bland McNamara, whose only real talent seems to be swallowing tape worms to lose weight. MacNamara’s tacky stripper hair and status as a former Nashville Star contestant don’t exactly endear me to her. Let’s also factor in how she’s a less-talented Jessica Sierra (yes, I did watch that season) and The Ultimate Idol Fantard P. (the gal who obsesses over long-haired dudes and “pretty” blonde girls every year on Idol, going so far as to writing them “nice letters” in order to get Meet & Greet passes to shows…granted, she DOES spam radio stations to play their songs so she is super-devoted) has already started the Kristen Mc-Nuggets fan board over on IDF because, OMG, she learned that McNamera says “Oh, Nuggets!” all the time after reading her MySpace page.

McNamera also sings the always dreadful I Will Always Love You. Groan…

Obviously, we already knows who gets it. The girl whose gotten the most screentime. HA! But Simon still disses McNamera by making it clear she’s the “other one” to the “pretty blond girl”. Sadly, the “pretty blond girl” is also the one who can form intelligent sentences. Randy thinks Kristen is more interesting, probably just b/c she’s sporting stripper hair and that makes her a “rawker dawg”. Hmmm…and Paula and Kara clearly like to stock the stage with women less attractive than the likes of them. Kara claims wrong song choice. Oh come on. Kristen McNamera sang like, 2 lines of one of the most tired ballads ever recorded. Paula disses on her clothes. I’m sure the pink streaks and tacky Macy’s Jrs. Department clothing will be gone by next week. YAY! Simon says it’s ABSOLUTELY THE WRONG DECISION. Jenn Korbee can go on her way at least feeling good about having Simon’s vote.

#20 Alexis Grace

Groan. Another sad tale of single motherhood and another chick with pink hair. Hey, I’m not saying all of them would sell their first born, but at least half of them would for a chance at Idol stardom. Lame. I would maybe like Alexis Grace if she wasn’t clearly a fake with her animal prints and short pink-streaked hair. Yawn.

#21 Scott MacIntyre

Ok. So Phoenix was rough with him b/c he didn’t have his piano? Uh…ok. He got this far. Good. The guy can play an instrument. It was an unanimous decision. Kara feels the need to say, We want to see you again. Why does this seem like a stupid thing to say to a guy who is legally blind? Granted, it’s not a high five, but…oh well. MacIntyre is a genius with crazy degrees and attractive-for-parents parents.

#22 Lil Rounds

Another single mom, Rounds started off cool, now she’s just kind of dull. I have a feeling we’ll be hearing her sing a bunch of boring ass ballads and wailing through Mariah Carey songs once next week begins.

#23 Felicia Barton

An early favorite, Barton’s name was not on the Top 36 list. And why? Because she didn’t make it. But if you’re sad, here. I took a photo for your memories.

#24 Ashley Hollister

Unanimous no. Which makes sense since I cannot remember seeing her. Nor did we see…

#24 Devon Baldwin

Who is this chick?

#25 Frankie Jordan
vs. #26 Jesse Langseth

Frankie Jordan was quasi-likable until it was discovered she was a HUGE plant with a song on the Win a Date With Tad Hamilton. Langseth has a Janis Joplin-ish quality and could be interesting. Even if she has terrible taste in jeans. Frankie thinks she nailed it when its pretty obvious the judge’s weren’t that into it as soon as she walks away. Langseth belts out her best Janis with a helluva lot more passion than the other chick before her, the one who had a song on a movie soundtrack. Simon says its a horrible song. Oh, come on…I think it was pretty obvious and oh, wait. What did that list say again? Whose name was on it? They tell Jesse she’s going. Simon tells Frankie she wouldn’t have won anyways, but oh, based on that last song, Jesse wouldn’t either. Everyone hugs everyone and tears fall. Yawn. But Simon keeps cutting Frankie down. It’s actually kind of funny.

#27 Shera Lawrence

Uh, who are you?

#28 Derik Lavers

Oh. And I’ve never seen you before. Uh…glad you came all this way for a tiny bit of screen time.

#29 Allison Iraheta

She’s 16 and has a semi-interesting voice, but I think she needs to oh, age. I don’t know. At least her hair is dyed all over, not just a few random stripper strands like that McNamera chick. I haven’t seen much of this girl so I can’t really decide what I think, but she gets through and Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway starts playing. Iraheta’s family/friends are there to greet her. Mrs. Iraheta clutches her head really tightly.

The Ballad of Danny Gokey and Jamar Rogers

Oh, who are we kidding? We already knows how this one plays out. You don’t need to take another look at the uber-Frauen packing Gokey’s fan boards, along with family members who have seem to appeared from all over the woodwork. As we all know, the bread & butter of Idol’s audience prefer the wholesome white dudes to the sweet black guys with gang tattoos.

There’s only one thing you have to remember when watching American Idol this season:

Jesus + Young Widower + American Idol = FRAUSANITY!!!!!!

Danny Gokey could be the guy who gives crazy a new name, as his fans are gearing up to surpass the Dreadheads and, quite possibly, the CLAYMATES in scary fan devotion.

#30 Danny Gokey

Deep piano notes try to make this all ominous but come on, we know better. And Paula wants to bang him. I’m still not sure what makes him such a big standout besides seeming like a nice guy. Danny Gokey thinks he’s different. Which he kind of says in almost a campy way. He’s also perfected the David Cook Lemon Squint, however, he’s doing it without singing. And of course, Paula gives him yet another standing ovation.

Jamar pretty much knows his fate is sealed. But since he’s a super nice guy, he just wants his buddy to be happy. IDOL, why did you get rid of this guy???

#31 Jamar Rogers

Kara sticks the knife in Jamar’s heart and twists it ever so slightly. Poor fella. Sad ethereal music plays. Everyone in the holding room is shocked. Even Gokey looks visibly pissed. Or he’s a really good actor. Now I would have liked to have seen him march back into the judging room to announce if Jamar wasn’t going, neither would he. Alas. He did not.

Of course, you heard Danny say they would sing together on the Idol stage. Here’s my $100 saying they do it on the finale.

#32 Ricky Brady

I know nothing about this guy. Except that he has a total NASCAR name.

#33 Matt Giraud

Dueling piano boy makes it.

#34 Junot Joyner

Guy with cool name makes it.

#35 Jorge Nunez

Fun Puerto Rican works it out, perro.

#36 Brent Keith

Uber-male plant is in.

#37 Stephen Fowler

For some reason, I kind of like this dude. Maybe I’m just a sucker for fun hair. And sorry, but if you let Joplanta through and she forgot her lyrics every time in Hollywood week, I think you can suck it up and give Stephen a free pass. And they finally do something right.

This “judge’s mansion” thing is sooooo stupid. But the “seriousness” of it at least segways into this year’s most awesome contestant…

#38 Nick Mitchell / Norman Gentle

I love this man. I love the fact that he sings to Seacrest while on stage in Hollywood Week. This guy is one of the funniest people I’ve seen on TV in a very long time. OMG OMG OMG. He even tells the judges, with a straight face, that it’s The Time of His Life. I LOVE NICK / NORMAN. MTV has proclaimed him a genius, which is amazing consider they’re the same people who bring us The City.

I’m going to be honest. Right now, I want this guy to WIN IT ALL. Yes. This show has never had anyone deliberately funny. NEVER. And the fact they actually let him through??? Simply amazing. Simply amazing! Even Simon is smiling. Nick/Norman goes into the arms of two blond chicks. He high fives a bunch of people (And no, I did not see Scott MacIntyre) and then gets a big ol’ hug from Nathaniel Mitchell.

The photo also proves how Idol loves their editing. For one thing, the room is full. And look just behind Nick/Norman. That’s Jenn Korbee. The one who was eliminated about an hour ago.

#39 Jackie Tohn

Uwe Boll muse and former stage brat (she appeared on a few episodes of The Nanny back in the 1990s) might be kind of plantish, but I kind of like her, even though I think she’s trying to be Sheryl Crow-ish and she sang that stupid I Hope You Dance in Hollywood Week. Obviously, we know she’s in. She takes off her heels so she can go running back to the other room. She’s kind of funny when she’s crying in happiness. And kind of irritating. Hmmmm…

#40 Twatiana / Tatiana del Toro

Yes. She is entertaining. But she is a shit singer and annoying as all hell. I don’t think there has ever been a contestant who has been more hated in the history of this shit show. She’s even wearing Paula Abdul Jewelry. Paula gave her the matching ring after Twatiana was saying how she wanted it but it was sold out. Oh, Paula. Do not encourage this twit. Somehow, Twatiana makes it. Which we all knew. And yes, perhaps she will be entertaining. If some psycho Idol purist doesn’t kill her first.

Obviously, Twatiana is screaming all the way out the door. Let’s look at the remaining contestants’ reactions to her making it through, shall we?

Nathaniel Marshall is not amused. Love it.

#41 Jackie Midkiff
vs. #42 Nathaniel Marshall

Since Jackie has gotten almost ZERO screen time, oh, and we’ve seen that 100% accurate “spoiler” list, we already know how this is gonna go down. But Kara wants to bang Jackie so she is sooooo going to bat for him. But if Kara were to get her way, we  wouldn’t get one of the most quotable and openly gay contestants in the history of this shit show. In Jackie’s defense, he does have an okay voice. But Kara really, really, really wants to get busy with him.

Nathaniel is wearing a cross necklace. Oh come now, Natey, we know you’re really an atheist. We finally get a back story on him, too. He has a grandmother and a little dog. And his mother was addicted to drugs. They’re also playing Ray LaMontagne’s  A Falling Through, which we have not heard since seeing the hardscrabble back story of Rose Flack.

Apparently, LaMontagne’s A Falling Through is the Idol go-to song for tragic back stories about wayward and / or dead parental units. If I wasn’t such a fan of his, I might be more pissed than simply annoyed.

Do they really think we’re not going to know how it goes after they’ve shown a back story with Grandma? Come on! But hey, I must admit, watching Nathaniel Marshall is gonna be good times come next week.

I want this so bad but I don’t want to take away your dream.

Nate is sooo quotable. Jackie tries and he seems like a sweet kid, but he just doesn’t have those memorable one liners like Nate. Seacrest tries to add something deep without the teleprompter. I guess he did ok. It did fit the situation.

OMG. COMING UP! Bear vs. Bear….er….THE WELDER vs. THE ROUGHNECK!

We won’t believe the results? Oh, maybe you decide that you’re going to take both Michael Sarver AND Matt Breitzke? While I know neither of these dudes are gay, they are bear-tastic. Between Lambert, Nate Marshall and the annoying drama queen Twatiana, I seriously think Idol is aiming for a gay male audience this year. Smart thinking, I gotta say. Throw in a couple of bears and you got almost all of it covered.

#43 Jeanine Valas

I remember nothing about this girl. Do you?

#44 Kai Kalama

Ok. Citizen Kai is (obviously) safe. Good. B/c I actually want to hear him SING.

#45 Anne Marie Boskovich

Plant Boskovich got in. Duh.

Unfortunately, I can’t bring myself to completely HATE Boskovich. Turns out, she’s a Croat! She even sings at Croatian events here in the states.

Philip Boskovich was born in Los Angeles in 1915 and is one of the most successful farmers in Southern California and his products are sold throughout the United States. He was one of the many large donors during the time of the Homeland War. The evening was launched with the intonation of the American anthem sung by Boskovich’s granddaughter Ann Marie. This was followed by the Croatian anthem sung by the guests from Split. Boskovich’s award was given to him by the Vice President of the Association, Niko Hazdovac.

However, I do wonder if she can sing the Croatian national anthem as well as the American one. And the points Boskovich gets with me for being a Croat…hmm…she was also a debutante, so…Interesting, I would have sworn she came from the South, not Southern California?

#46 Kris Allen

He’s cute in that stereotypical cute way. He might be around a week or 2.

#47 Matt Breitzke
vs. #48 Michael Sarver

For some reason, I kind of like the bears. They don’t seem very plantish, and if Sarver sticks around, I can quote Armageddon a lot.  Kara loves Sarver. She loves burly dudes. They’re going to take BOTH burly men! It’s sooo obvious and oh yeah, there was that strangely 100% accurate list floating around which made watching tonight kind of pointless. And both of them “deserve a chance”. Daughtry plays in the background. Everyone hugs and whoops.

Still surprised they didn’t end tonight’s shit show with the sacrificial offering of Jamar Rogers, but…and now the David Cook coronation song plays, you know, the one that spawned at least one obnoxious rainbow-hued unicorn named Charlie.

(Oooh, and check out :48 with the Welcome to Illinois bearing the name Gov. Rod Blagovich)

Now is the ubiquitous montage of happy finalists dancing around and posing behind Seacrest. Ha! Twatiana keeps posing, of course. Kendall Beard may only be 21, but she looks exactly like Cindy McCain!

Happy finalists dance! To the Pussycat Dolls! And Twatiana is once again wearing clothes way too small for her full-figured frame. She also does come hither looks. Well, that’s what happens when you suffer from extreme narcissism. For some reason I don’t think they showed all of them? Or was I just not paying attention.

Top Idol’s Special Surprise!

My buddy PEARL CREAM will be joining us next week! Pearl Cream will be adding his astute commentary by helping me recap the “real singing” rounds of this shit show. Pearl Cream is my super-talented buddy who is a classically-trained singer and musician, as well as a real-life working actor! He’s gonna add some legitimate critique to my dumb little blog, but he’s also a witty and intelligent guy whose not afraid to be a bit catty. I scream, you scream, we all scream for PEARL CREAM!