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American Idol Round 1: With BONUS Scoring

February 18, 2009

Why is Twatiana nodding like that? Christ, I hate this chick.

However, I am kind of looking forward to her mangling the hell out of that tired Whitney Houston number of yore, Saving All My Love For You. She really does not how to go for the jugular, that Twatiana. I must give her SOME credit.

And I really hope Paula Percocet is back in fine form. I’m beginning to think Seacrest is going for a more “mature” look with all these cashmere V-necks and cardigans as of late. He seems to have ditched the douchebag t-shirts? Randy, however, did not get the memo and is still wearing little children beads and other nonsense. Tonight, he is even wearing a black armband. Uh…ok…

Kara DioGuardi is rather self-indulgent and mildly irritating, Paula talks about the contestants living their dream. Simon gets the PG-rated homoerotic banter with Seacrest going for the season when he comments on his hair. 

So despite the “exciting new format” and addition of DioGuardi-In-Heat, nothing about this shit show has really changed.

This year, however, every male contestant will receive a special score from me. It’s called the…

Frau Factor

The Frau Factor will be a scale of 1-10, measuring the strength of the male contestant’s ability to sway potential Frauen based upon their overall appearance, pre-show buzz and vocal performance. The numerical scale will be referred to as the Frau-O-Meter.

#1 Jackie Tohn
A Little Less Conversation 

Yeah, she’s been on The Nanny (not cool, and she was a kid) and some Uwe Boll movies (cooler) but I kind of love this chick. She also has the most original fashion sense of anyone I’ve ever seen on this show. Tohn even wears American Apparel spandex leggings with Zach Morris-esque high top sneakers (perhaps they are British Knights?) and nary a thought about whether or not she’s sporting Camel Toe. 

Jackie Tohn Loves Spandex & British Knight Hightops

I can’t decide if I like her rendition or not, like, I do, b/c well, that’s just me. She’s fun to watch. And I can’t decide if the cheesy Idol band adds or detracts to the fun of her version. She gets props for the arrangement and originality but she’s also signing first on a night where they’re only taking three singers, so she’s pretty much screwed unless the Wild Card Gods smile down upon her. 

Whatever. I like Jackie Tohn. And how adorable are her parents? Her Dad is like a mostly sober Uncle Paulie. I just want to pinch his cheeks. Plus, she needs to stick around a bit so I can find out why she’s always wearing a cameo. AND if she does make it, she will be the ONLY other JEW ever in the Top 12 (Yamin was the first)

I just paused my Tivo and realized this crap is running for 2 hours tonight.

#2 Ricky Braddy 
A Song For You 

Braddy wants to be a singer when he really needs to be driving NASCAR because he is wasting a perfectly good NASCAR name. Anyway, I hate 95% of all Vandross-esque R&B so it’s hard for me to concentrate on his singing, but I’m trying. Paula is going all nutty. I bet she compares him to Yamin. Randy loves it, of course, and basically says he started Season 8 (Yeah, shoot my Jackie all to hell why don’t you?)

Ricky Braddy is wasting his NASCAR name

Ok, Paula did not compare him to Yamin but she is in luvvvveee. As is DioGuardi-In-Heat. Simon thinks he has a great voice and zero star quality. What? No one has mentioned Yamin yet? OMG his parents are one of those couples who have been together so long they look alike. His mom also pimps…Ok, Fraus, begin your ass kissing and gift giving! 

Frau Factor

#3 Alexis Grace
Never Loved A Man 

Sorry, Alexis, I don’t really think you stand out. Even with the pink hair. Blah blah blah, I’m a single mom. When Alexis hits the stage in a lingerie-esque LBD, the first thing I think is that she really needs to become friends with Mystic Tan. She has a likable-enough voice and she’s trying to make love to her fiancee (He’s in Iraq) as DioGuardi-In-Heat suggested during her audition. Personally, I don’t like the way the fire engine red lipstick clashes with the fuchsia hair streaks.

Oh how sweet, Paula is wearing the star bracelet from her jewelry line, since it got a lot of screentime with Twatiana last week.

The judges all love Alexis. Simon thinks she is the best contestant yet. Well, that’s nice. But there’s only been three. However, Simon invokes the Goddess. He goes so far to compare her to Kelly Clarkson. Yeah, she sang well. But I still think she is kind of dull and I really want the Idol makeup team to at least introduce her to tinted moisturizer if they can’t get her a date with Mystic Tan. Yeah, whatevia. I know I can be shallow. But only sometimes. 

Alexis Grace needs a tan

WHOA! What is Ted Danson doing in the audience? (Please say this ends up on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.) Alexis parents both have long hair to rival my mane. The first thing I wonder is how often they have to snake the bathtub drains in their home.

#4 Brent Keith

PLANT. Oh wait, Idol screwed up and almost aired their Stevie Wright package. OMG. Seacrest has to AD LIB. Wait. No he does not. He was saved by the tape. Ok. I totally do not believe Keith works at a “home improvement warehouse” given his history on Nashville Star and performer of the title track to a documentary on Dale Earnhardt, Sr. Oh, Keith. I know the business is rough, but you and your wife are really living paycheck-to-paycheck? Did you hear that Frauen? GET THEE TO YOUR CHECKBOOKS. While there will not be an Idol Gives Back this year, there will still be Give To Idol. Let the message board money drives begin! You know I will be watching you…

Brent Keith

Keith is singing something called Hicktown because its time to say “this is who I am.” I am not sure if he meant to say he is a country singer, or if he just referred to himself as a hick. Overall, I’m sort of bored and I feel like I’ve seen this performance a zillion times before in a number of random bars near my hometown. DioGuardi-In-Heat is having delivery boy fantasies about Keith. Oh Simon, don’t diss on Bucky. But yes, it was not original and it was safe. He was forgettable. But Keith is hoping the country fans don’t forget and vote for his ass.

Keith’s wife is kind of well, I don’t want to say dowdy, but…yeah, that hair must go. However, his wife’s appearance just gave him an extra point on the Frau-O-Meter

Frau Factor

#5 Stevie Wright 
You Belong With Me 

Ah. Now I remember. I liked this girl when I saw her audition. Stevie has a maturity that makes her look a bit older than her age, however, it’s completely normal. Not like Taylor Zuckermann who is really 36. Unfortunately, Stevie kind of sucks and is not consistent. She’s also either too high or too low in volume. It was not good. However, it did remind me that I actually dig Taylor Swift. 

Randy tells her she sucks but DioGuardi-In-Heat wants to cut her even harder, tells her she’s having an identity crisis and doesn’t know who she is. I didn’t know who I was when I was 17. Or 27, but whatevia DioGuardi. Yeah, Stevie should just fly home tonight. Awwww, but her parents seem really sweet and I can see her father being a secret assassin of sorts, or at least a secret legbreaker. Cowell is so gonna get it when he leaves the theatre tonight. 

Awww, I feel sorry for Stevie Wright. But I like the kid. Just as I “like” Luke Menard, who, in my eyes, still has the most memorably bad semi-final performance in Idol history (er, at least the seasons I’ve seen).

#6 Anoop Desai
Angel of Mine

Yeah. I love this guy. I don’t even give a shit what he sings. He graduated from college with honors and is Indian. Obviously, Idol never got the memo about diversity hiring so I like to see some variety. Plus, the guy wrote an honors thesis on The Importance of BBQ in the American South. Seriously. This dude can get up there and do a face plant, I don’t care. I discriminate against stupid people. Anoop is smart. Therefore, I love Anoop.

Even if it gives Randy ample opportunity to say Anoop Dawg. DioGuardi-In-Heat doesn’t want to bang Anoop so she criticizes him, yet says he has potential. Paula points out how “America has connected with him in a large way already”. Hell, the kid even has a LEGITIMATE AND HONEST REASON for singing the song. 

Anoop Desai is awesome

Whatevia. Anoop is cool. And I am going to force myself not to call him Anoop Dawg, even if it flows so easily out of one’s mouth. (And hell, there is even an Anoopdog website…) Awww, Anoop’s parents are cute.

Anoop’s Frau Factor is also the lowest of the evening thus far, since he has a predominantly younger fan base at the moment. As the competition goes on, his score on the Frau-O-Meter will likely increase.

Frau Factor

#7 Casey Carlson
Every Little Thing She (He) Does Is Magic

Casey is a smoking hot babe. Unfortunately, dudes do not vote on American Idol I kind of hope she sings this as Rashida Jones did on The Office, back when that show was actually good and before Jim dumped her for plain & dull Pam. Yeah. Kill me. I hate Jim and Pam. Casey is kind of dull, but she’s a hot girl. Which can work out sometimes, but mainly for idiot country blondes. And I think it worked out for that Butterface Chick (who coped to doing the beat-boxing Douchebag Lewis on an episode of AI Extra last year) for at least for a few weeks during her season, right?

Casey Carlson: The Hot Chick

Casey doesn’t have much stage presence, nor does she use it. She’s pretty much just hot. And the song sucked. Obviously, DioGuardi-In-Heat bashes her and tells her no one touches The Police because you just don’t do that. Uh, ok. But then why do they let them sing, oh, most of the other stuff they sing? Simon is going to be positive with her because she’s HOT. But he still tells her she was atrocious. But I feel kind of bad for her because she looks like she’s going to cry and well, sometimes I my moments of sensitivity. Her parents are sweet and supportive, although her Dad doesn’t say much. Maybe he didn’t like her singing much, either.

#8 Michael Sarver
I Don’t Wanna Be

In a perfect world, Michael Sarver would sing Aerosmith’s I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing. Just because he is a roughneck. On an oil ring. And someday, he may have to save the earth from a giant asteroid. But he chooses Gavin DeGraw’s I Don’t Wanna Be, which is a curious song for me, since I never liked the original but LOVED the rendition Bo Bice performed four years ago. I even downloaded it. It may be one of the only times I’ve ever thought a contestant on Idol did a better version than the original. It was just better sung and more believable coming from Bice. Can’t explain it, but that’s just how I see it.

Michael Sarver wants to be

Sarver’s version is fine, I guess. But he’s no Bo Bice. Randy brings up pitch, because you know, that’s Randy’s thing, dawg. DioGuardi-In-Heat tells him she’s seen him do better, but you know, she still wants to do naughty things to him. Paula is a bit nicer. Paula is being especially coherent this evening. And relevant. She also told me something I did not know, but that Yamin and Chris Richardson (?) also sang that song on the Idol stage. Simon hopes he gets voted in, even if it wasn’t his best performance. 

Backstage, we get to meet Sarver’s wife and mother. His wife is wearing some rockin’ stilettos, but looks like a typical Middle American gal. As with Keith, this increases Sarver’s Frau Factor score because the appearance of a wife or girlfriend who is probably a Size 12 or more often serves to endear a member of the Frauen more to a male Idol contestant.

Frau Factor

#9 Ann Marie Boskovich
Natural Woman 

PLANT and Idol’s ONLY Croat! Of course, we know she’s not from Nashville but from Southern California. She’s just in Nashville to make some country music. Boskovich is also very pretty, but I don’t know if she should really be singing Aretha Franklin. Alexis Grace had the voice to do it, in all honestly, but Boskovich isn’t very bluesy. She can hit some big notes, however, and this makes her go for the big wailer finish. I hate those. And she was kind of bland throughout, plus, you know, you have to sing this kind of song with a lot of emotion.

Meh. Bad song choice, Boskovich. But this song should be retired. Boskovich kisses ass to Kara again, Paula is semi-nice. Simon calls her a hotel singer. Paula’s jewelry line continues to receive ample screentime. 

Ann Marie Boskovich is Croatian and a lot taller than Seacrest

Boskovich’s mother and sister are also pretty Croatian women. But we don’t get to hear them speak b/c Ann Marie had seating issues of some sort. Oh. But it was worth it because we can see just how much taller she is than Seacrest. Surrounded by all those women, Seacrest appears to be giving a facial expression I’ve seen once before — on David Archuelta (Last year’s Chose Eunuch).

#10 Stephen Fowler
Rock With You

I like Stephen Fowler and wish we would have seen more of him before Hollywood week. Fowler has fun hair and just looks like a NICE GUY. I actually do not mind him doing Michael Jackson, whose songs always kind of make me icky, like I drank a bunch of Jesus Juice and threw up all the next morning. But Fowler is doing a fine job and has fine vocals, shakes things up a bit in a couple of places, and makes it a generally less-than-boring song. Which is good because I think it’s a boring song.

Randy hates Fowler’s performance. Obviously, we did not see the same thing because I cannot understand what he did badly. The arrangements on these songs uh, often suck. And frankly, the karaoke sound often comes from the band (no offense, Ricky frakking Minor!). DioGuardi-In-Heat tells him he was better when he forgot the lyrics. Fowler is tearing up. I just did not think it was that bad. And yes, maybe they should start blaming the ARRANGEMENTS and the BAND.

Stephen Fowler: Please don't boot him

Big deal, it was a little corny. Whatevia. Stephen Fowler is likable. And awwww, his wife is watching from home so he has no family in the back.

Fowler’s going to be low on the Frau-O-Meter, so that’s at least some good news for him.

Why will Stephen Fowler have the lowest Frau Factor of the evening?

Easy. Stephen Fowler is black. Frauen do not typically tard-out for the black man. Even if a portion of them may have helped vote a black man into the White House.

Hell, the one time they let a black guy win this thing, it was the “closest vote margin ever “and the “innocent geeky runner up white boy who sings Manilow and Humperdink” schooled his ass in album sales and batshit crazy fans. American Idol is watched mainly by a lot of sheltered white women in the south and the heartland. What? You think I’m just pulling this shit out of my ass? (And I’m originally FROM the heartland so I can say this crap.) I WISH this show had more diversity — so don’t go making evil comments. Anyway, the Fraus go nutty over the white dudes, although Hispanics are sometimes acceptable. Why? Because they have lighter skin (see Jason Castro). Yeah, I know that sounds horrible, but it’s true. Same could go for Anoop and he could end up with a boatload of Frauen. Hell, they still show up en masse for Sanjaya Malakar. But hey, America, prove me wrong. I want to be proven wrong. I don’t want people to be racist idiots. All I am stating is that this show’s viewing audience is white women in their 40s who like young white men. 

Frau Factor

Predictably, this evening’s “pimp spot” is going to Danny Gokey. But second-to-last is kind of pimp, too. Amazingly, they have given this choice placement to the one, the only…TWATIANA DEL TORO

You know this is the only reason you’re watching this show so buck up, little campers. Let’s see this trainwreck.

#11 Tatiana Del Toro
Saving All My Love For You

Now I’ve heard from a reliable source that she’s not as batshit crazy as the cameras make her out to be, which I take to mean she acts almost halfway normal when the cameras are not rolling. Twatiana is wearing another terrible dress for her frame. Her vocals are better than before, however, I’m utterly bored by this performance. And I cringe when she shimmies while singing “making love the whole night through”. Whitney Houston should not be allowed on this show. Twatiana only properly camps it up at the end when she finishes as if she uh, yeah, just “finished”.

Tatiana del Toro "finishes"

Randy was impressed because he, obviously, thought she was going to destroy it, and she had some moments. When Kara critiques her, mainly because she’s displaying another personality and is “demure”. They wonder where she thinks she can fit in in the industry. Ever the idiot, Twatiana replies, “World Music. All genres.”

But let’s thank Simon for hitting the nail on the head. (And this was after he called her a drama queen)

You’re desperate to be famous.

Twatiana babbles on about how she’s in marketing, especially marketing herself. Oh no. They’re going to make her laugh. Which she now claims she never laughed like before IN HER LIFE. I still want to know why she’s wearing that dress in February. I don’t care if you’re in LA. That’s a shit dress. And I swear her Puerto Rican accent just came out tonight because I have never heard it before. And that bitch talked and talked during every episode I’ve seen over the past two weeks. Although she is kind of freaking me out, being all subdued. Like, did she take a valium? Or is she going to freak out like a madwoman and start humping pillows and spinning around in glee in about 10 minutes. Twatiana is a ticking time bomb.

The other chicks are not amused. Ha. I love these subtleties. 

Alexis, Jackie and Stevie want to cagefight Tatiana

#12 Danny Gokey

Oh, Danny Gokey. I feel like I almost know you after this past weekend. Ok. Since the back story is about their auditions and what not, I guess he can mention his deceased wife. And he wants people to look at his situation to get strength of their own. A 1000 Frauen just weeped and started typing furiously on Idol Forums or a Gokey-specific message board (He already has several and voting has only begun tonight).

His version isn’t bad, I just hate the damn song with a passion. I don’t understand why no one ever does Enrique Iglesias’ Hero…wait. Did Ace Young do that a few years back? If not, I could so picture him doing Hero. Anyway, Gokey’s vocals are solid enough and frankly, I don’t think its going to be a huge surprise that he makes it to the Top 12. He already has a big enough following, the tragic back story and the pimp last performance slot.

Danny Gokey wants to be your Hero

Right now, since I am a nice person and I’ve already put Gokey through the ringer this weekend (well…maybe more so his CHURCH), I am going to think positively and say that Idol contestants do not choose the backdrop they put on the giant LCD screen. Please-oh-please say the producers decided to go with clouds on his. Please-oh-please.  

Paula and DioGuardi-In-Heat are on their feet, naturally. Awww, and look, Jamar Rogers is in the audience. Jamar, if ever read this, I am sorry I hate your church. Actually, no, I’m not sorry. But I think you seem like a real nice guy. 

Jamar Rogers in the audience

Ok. Randy, Kara and Paula are going insane. Paula is babbling on about “sold-out arenas”. Simon brings them all back to reality. Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster for Simon Cowell. He says he’s a good singer, and he sung it well, but the arrangement was overwrought and he’s not “buying all the hype” right now. 

Sure, Gokey was solid, but the song has been done a zillion times before. He says a couple of inspirational things and well, yeah, he does exude a certain preacher quality which is going to irritate a lot of people while endearing many more.

Even in these early stages, Danny Gokey’s score on the Frau-O-Meter is already at the maximum. I may have to revise the numerical scoring when we go to Top 12

Frau Factor

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Liz permalink
    February 18, 2009 5:46 pm

    Well, last night sucked, didn’t it? My thoughts:

    1. Jackie- I didn’t like it at all- she’s like a female Taylor Hicks, but less likeable.
    2. Ricky- he was good and likeable, but he doesn’t stand a chance w/ no screentime.
    3. Alexis- she was just ok- overpraised much? Kelly? Gimme a fuckin break.
    4. Brent- boring, bland, predictable- worst guy of the night.
    5. Stevie- horrible- but she seems like a sweet girl- I felt bad for her
    6. Anoop- love him- but only liked the performance.
    7. Casey- she’s pretty, but that was bad. Terrible song choice.
    8. Michael- love him- he’s so endearing- didn’t care for the performance though.
    9. Ann Marie- it was ok, but I don’t really like that song.
    10. Stephen- he’s so likeable, but I didn’t like it at all.
    11. Tatiana- I’m not a worster, and I genuinely thought she was the best girl- she was very good.
    12. Danny- it’s not his fault he’s overpimped so I won’t hold it against him- he was good.

    Hate this format with a passion. If we did this last year, Cook and Jason wouldn’t have stood a chance. This blows.

  2. theknitlette permalink
    February 18, 2009 4:08 am

    Apparently, this little paper uses anonymous sources from time to time as well. Funny, that. There are those who are obsessed with the idea that information attributable to a known source is somehow more unquestionable in its veracity.

    It doesn’t matter that countless public figures have gone on record and lied through their teeth and people have gobbled it up.

    Just because someone has a reason that they don’t want to be identified does not mean that what they have to say is a lie. I also find it difficult for someone outside of a situation – or hell,even INside it – to question the motivation of a source.

    And say we question motivation, and the source’s motivation was distasteful in some way–this doesn’t mean the information is false.

    If I made an anonymous phone call to a co-worker’s wife and told her that her husband was having an affair, and he WAS, would it really matter for anyone other than me and my own personal code, if I did it to make sure she had the truth, or if I did it because the co-worker lied to get the promotion I should have received?

    And would my revelation be any less true because I declined to give my name for fear of retribution at work?

    I make all of these points, and I’m sure that some would like to lump me in the Gokey-hater camp. Like I’ve said before, I like him. I think he’s a decent singer, and one of the more polished ones I’ve seen. I even voted for him tonight – along with Anoop (bad song, but yeah – smart, and funny) and the girl I keep wanting to call Eliza instead of Alexis. I liked Jamar a lot, and was sad he didn’t make it through.

    All of that being said, his church and churches like it scare the crap out of me, and disgust me, and I am able to look at this person, and his talent and his membership in that church, and make distinctions.

    It’s called critical thinking.

    And you know what else? I would love for that information to be a load of crap. I would love for that incredibly well-written, well thought-out letter to be someone’s attempt at striking at that church due to some misplaced vendetta. I would love that a lot, because it would mean that there wasn’t YET ANOTHER church taking money from people and using it in their God’s name while clothing their ministers in fancy clothes and affording them luxuries that most people only dream about.

    There are people who tire endlessly for the rights of others, who work themselves into the ground feeding and clothing, sheltering and counseling out of a simple belief that it’s what they’re supposed to do. They carry a message of kindness and compassion, honesty and charity, responsibility and fairness. They believe that it is more important to do the good works than to be recognized for them. Sister Helen. Father Mike. People whose names we’ll never know.

    But instead, when ego, showmanship and marketing come before good works, eventually someone will see through the smoke and mirrors. Eventually someone will stop buying the snake oil. Eventually someone will step forward. And sometimes, someone might just blog about it.

  3. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    February 18, 2009 2:28 am

    LMAO at the Frau-o-meter. What an incredible gadget. I suspect anytime Gokey is seen, singing or not, it will be through the roof and at some point when Gokey sings something particularly goopy and praises the Lord it will explode altogether.

    I never thought I’d say this but I was glad Simon was present tonight. I pretty much agreed with him across the board although I liked Ricky Braddy better than he did. Braddy has no chance though since he has had zero exposure.

    I think the issue about Gokey’s wife has been way over-hyped and is now bordering on bad taste but putting that aside I’m one of those who is irritated by his preaching. I think he should just put all this background stuff behind and sing. This is a singing competition, after all.

  4. Brian permalink
    February 18, 2009 1:08 am

    I was bored and found your blog. Spent a little time here and found the reading interesting/entertaining but I must say all the rumor-reporting reminded me of a bad tabloid. What do you have to gain by, in my opinion, running Gokey and his church into the ground? And quoting people who wish to remain anonymous? I put zero weight on what all of them say (for the good or the bad). I can’t believe you’d “publish” their comments. And questiong the charity he set up in honor of his late wife seems a little extreme. I’m all for holding people accountable for shady charities, but at least do it with solid, concrete stuff. Not some “anonymous” emails written by someone who doesn’t want anyone but you to know their name. But I’m sure if your life (or mine) was in the spotlight, you wouldn’t mind some intense criticism from strangers who’d never met you. I’m sure you have plenty of folks with nothing better to do who will read this stuff on a regular basis. But, there’s that free speech thing…so that’s ok. I won’t be bored enough in the future to return, though.

  5. February 18, 2009 1:00 am

    I was thinking “curb” the second I saw Danson (wishful thinking I’m afraid). I am watching “Being There” this evening on HD Net. Instead of this generations’ Dick Clark, Seacrest is this generations’ Chauncey Gardner.

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