American Idol Round 1: With BONUS Scoring
Why is Twatiana nodding like that? Christ, I hate this chick.
However, I am kind of looking forward to her mangling the hell out of that tired Whitney Houston number of yore, Saving All My Love For You. She really does not how to go for the jugular, that Twatiana. I must give her SOME credit.
And I really hope Paula Percocet is back in fine form. I’m beginning to think Seacrest is going for a more “mature” look with all these cashmere V-necks and cardigans as of late. He seems to have ditched the douchebag t-shirts? Randy, however, did not get the memo and is still wearing little children beads and other nonsense. Tonight, he is even wearing a black armband. Uh…ok…
Kara DioGuardi is rather self-indulgent and mildly irritating, Paula talks about the contestants living their dream. Simon gets the PG-rated homoerotic banter with Seacrest going for the season when he comments on his hair.
So despite the “exciting new format” and addition of DioGuardi-In-Heat, nothing about this shit show has really changed.
This year, however, every male contestant will receive a special score from me. It’s called the…
The Frau Factor will be a scale of 1-10, measuring the strength of the male contestant’s ability to sway potential Frauen based upon their overall appearance, pre-show buzz and vocal performance. The numerical scale will be referred to as the Frau-O-Meter.
#1 Jackie Tohn
A Little Less Conversation
Yeah, she’s been on The Nanny (not cool, and she was a kid) and some Uwe Boll movies (cooler) but I kind of love this chick. She also has the most original fashion sense of anyone I’ve ever seen on this show. Tohn even wears American Apparel spandex leggings with Zach Morris-esque high top sneakers (perhaps they are British Knights?) and nary a thought about whether or not she’s sporting Camel Toe.
I can’t decide if I like her rendition or not, like, I do, b/c well, that’s just me. She’s fun to watch. And I can’t decide if the cheesy Idol band adds or detracts to the fun of her version. She gets props for the arrangement and originality but she’s also signing first on a night where they’re only taking three singers, so she’s pretty much screwed unless the Wild Card Gods smile down upon her.
Whatever. I like Jackie Tohn. And how adorable are her parents? Her Dad is like a mostly sober Uncle Paulie. I just want to pinch his cheeks. Plus, she needs to stick around a bit so I can find out why she’s always wearing a cameo. AND if she does make it, she will be the ONLY other JEW ever in the Top 12 (Yamin was the first)
I just paused my Tivo and realized this crap is running for 2 hours tonight.
#2 Ricky Braddy
A Song For You
Braddy wants to be a singer when he really needs to be driving NASCAR because he is wasting a perfectly good NASCAR name. Anyway, I hate 95% of all Vandross-esque R&B so it’s hard for me to concentrate on his singing, but I’m trying. Paula is going all nutty. I bet she compares him to Yamin. Randy loves it, of course, and basically says he started Season 8 (Yeah, shoot my Jackie all to hell why don’t you?)
Ok, Paula did not compare him to Yamin but she is in luvvvveee. As is DioGuardi-In-Heat. Simon thinks he has a great voice and zero star quality. What? No one has mentioned Yamin yet? OMG his parents are one of those couples who have been together so long they look alike. His mom also pimps TheBraddyBunch.com…Ok, Fraus, begin your ass kissing and gift giving!
#3 Alexis Grace
Never Loved A Man
Sorry, Alexis, I don’t really think you stand out. Even with the pink hair. Blah blah blah, I’m a single mom. When Alexis hits the stage in a lingerie-esque LBD, the first thing I think is that she really needs to become friends with Mystic Tan. She has a likable-enough voice and she’s trying to make love to her fiancee (He’s in Iraq) as DioGuardi-In-Heat suggested during her audition. Personally, I don’t like the way the fire engine red lipstick clashes with the fuchsia hair streaks.
Oh how sweet, Paula is wearing the star bracelet from her jewelry line, since it got a lot of screentime with Twatiana last week.
The judges all love Alexis. Simon thinks she is the best contestant yet. Well, that’s nice. But there’s only been three. However, Simon invokes the Goddess. He goes so far to compare her to Kelly Clarkson. Yeah, she sang well. But I still think she is kind of dull and I really want the Idol makeup team to at least introduce her to tinted moisturizer if they can’t get her a date with Mystic Tan. Yeah, whatevia. I know I can be shallow. But only sometimes.
WHOA! What is Ted Danson doing in the audience? (Please say this ends up on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.) Alexis parents both have long hair to rival my mane. The first thing I wonder is how often they have to snake the bathtub drains in their home.
#4 Brent Keith
PLANT. Oh wait, Idol screwed up and almost aired their Stevie Wright package. OMG. Seacrest has to AD LIB. Wait. No he does not. He was saved by the tape. Ok. I totally do not believe Keith works at a “home improvement warehouse” given his history on Nashville Star and performer of the title track to a documentary on Dale Earnhardt, Sr. Oh, Keith. I know the business is rough, but you and your wife are really living paycheck-to-paycheck? Did you hear that Frauen? GET THEE TO YOUR CHECKBOOKS. While there will not be an Idol Gives Back this year, there will still be Give To Idol. Let the message board money drives begin! You know I will be watching you…
Keith is singing something called Hicktown because its time to say “this is who I am.” I am not sure if he meant to say he is a country singer, or if he just referred to himself as a hick. Overall, I’m sort of bored and I feel like I’ve seen this performance a zillion times before in a number of random bars near my hometown. DioGuardi-In-Heat is having delivery boy fantasies about Keith. Oh Simon, don’t diss on Bucky. But yes, it was not original and it was safe. He was forgettable. But Keith is hoping the country fans don’t forget and vote for his ass.
Keith’s wife is kind of well, I don’t want to say dowdy, but…yeah, that hair must go. However, his wife’s appearance just gave him an extra point on the Frau-O-Meter
#5 Stevie Wright
You Belong With Me
Ah. Now I remember. I liked this girl when I saw her audition. Stevie has a maturity that makes her look a bit older than her age, however, it’s completely normal. Not like Taylor Zuckermann who is really 36. Unfortunately, Stevie kind of sucks and is not consistent. She’s also either too high or too low in volume. It was not good. However, it did remind me that I actually dig Taylor Swift.
Randy tells her she sucks but DioGuardi-In-Heat wants to cut her even harder, tells her she’s having an identity crisis and doesn’t know who she is. I didn’t know who I was when I was 17. Or 27, but whatevia DioGuardi. Yeah, Stevie should just fly home tonight. Awwww, but her parents seem really sweet and I can see her father being a secret assassin of sorts, or at least a secret legbreaker. Cowell is so gonna get it when he leaves the theatre tonight.
Awww, I feel sorry for Stevie Wright. But I like the kid. Just as I “like” Luke Menard, who, in my eyes, still has the most memorably bad semi-final performance in Idol history (er, at least the seasons I’ve seen).
#6 Anoop Desai
Angel of Mine
Yeah. I love this guy. I don’t even give a shit what he sings. He graduated from college with honors and is Indian. Obviously, Idol never got the memo about diversity hiring so I like to see some variety. Plus, the guy wrote an honors thesis on The Importance of BBQ in the American South. Seriously. This dude can get up there and do a face plant, I don’t care. I discriminate against stupid people. Anoop is smart. Therefore, I love Anoop.
Even if it gives Randy ample opportunity to say Anoop Dawg. DioGuardi-In-Heat doesn’t want to bang Anoop so she criticizes him, yet says he has potential. Paula points out how “America has connected with him in a large way already”. Hell, the kid even has a LEGITIMATE AND HONEST REASON for singing the song.
Whatevia. Anoop is cool. And I am going to force myself not to call him Anoop Dawg, even if it flows so easily out of one’s mouth. (And hell, there is even an Anoopdog website…) Awww, Anoop’s parents are cute.
Anoop’s Frau Factor is also the lowest of the evening thus far, since he has a predominantly younger fan base at the moment. As the competition goes on, his score on the Frau-O-Meter will likely increase.
#7 Casey Carlson
Every Little Thing She (He) Does Is Magic
Casey is a smoking hot babe. Unfortunately, dudes do not vote on American Idol. I kind of hope she sings this as Rashida Jones did on The Office, back when that show was actually good and before Jim dumped her for plain & dull Pam. Yeah. Kill me. I hate Jim and Pam. Casey is kind of dull, but she’s a hot girl. Which can work out sometimes, but mainly for idiot country blondes. And I think it worked out for that Butterface Chick (who coped to doing the beat-boxing Douchebag Lewis on an episode of AI Extra last year) for at least for a few weeks during her season, right?
Casey doesn’t have much stage presence, nor does she use it. She’s pretty much just hot. And the song sucked. Obviously, DioGuardi-In-Heat bashes her and tells her no one touches The Police because you just don’t do that. Uh, ok. But then why do they let them sing, oh, most of the other stuff they sing? Simon is going to be positive with her because she’s HOT. But he still tells her she was atrocious. But I feel kind of bad for her because she looks like she’s going to cry and well, sometimes I my moments of sensitivity. Her parents are sweet and supportive, although her Dad doesn’t say much. Maybe he didn’t like her singing much, either.
#8 Michael Sarver
I Don’t Wanna Be
In a perfect world, Michael Sarver would sing Aerosmith’s I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing. Just because he is a roughneck. On an oil ring. And someday, he may have to save the earth from a giant asteroid. But he chooses Gavin DeGraw’s I Don’t Wanna Be, which is a curious song for me, since I never liked the original but LOVED the rendition Bo Bice performed four years ago. I even downloaded it. It may be one of the only times I’ve ever thought a contestant on Idol did a better version than the original. It was just better sung and more believable coming from Bice. Can’t explain it, but that’s just how I see it.
Sarver’s version is fine, I guess. But he’s no Bo Bice. Randy brings up pitch, because you know, that’s Randy’s thing, dawg. DioGuardi-In-Heat tells him she’s seen him do better, but you know, she still wants to do naughty things to him. Paula is a bit nicer. Paula is being especially coherent this evening. And relevant. She also told me something I did not know, but that Yamin and Chris Richardson (?) also sang that song on the Idol stage. Simon hopes he gets voted in, even if it wasn’t his best performance.
Backstage, we get to meet Sarver’s wife and mother. His wife is wearing some rockin’ stilettos, but looks like a typical Middle American gal. As with Keith, this increases Sarver’s Frau Factor score because the appearance of a wife or girlfriend who is probably a Size 12 or more often serves to endear a member of the Frauen more to a male Idol contestant.
#9 Ann Marie Boskovich
PLANT and Idol’s ONLY Croat! Of course, we know she’s not from Nashville but from Southern California. She’s just in Nashville to make some country music. Boskovich is also very pretty, but I don’t know if she should really be singing Aretha Franklin. Alexis Grace had the voice to do it, in all honestly, but Boskovich isn’t very bluesy. She can hit some big notes, however, and this makes her go for the big wailer finish. I hate those. And she was kind of bland throughout, plus, you know, you have to sing this kind of song with a lot of emotion.
Meh. Bad song choice, Boskovich. But this song should be retired. Boskovich kisses ass to Kara again, Paula is semi-nice. Simon calls her a hotel singer. Paula’s jewelry line continues to receive ample screentime.
Boskovich’s mother and sister are also pretty Croatian women. But we don’t get to hear them speak b/c Ann Marie had seating issues of some sort. Oh. But it was worth it because we can see just how much taller she is than Seacrest. Surrounded by all those women, Seacrest appears to be giving a facial expression I’ve seen once before — on David Archuelta (Last year’s Chose Eunuch).
#10 Stephen Fowler
Rock With You
I like Stephen Fowler and wish we would have seen more of him before Hollywood week. Fowler has fun hair and just looks like a NICE GUY. I actually do not mind him doing Michael Jackson, whose songs always kind of make me icky, like I drank a bunch of Jesus Juice and threw up all the next morning. But Fowler is doing a fine job and has fine vocals, shakes things up a bit in a couple of places, and makes it a generally less-than-boring song. Which is good because I think it’s a boring song.
Randy hates Fowler’s performance. Obviously, we did not see the same thing because I cannot understand what he did badly. The arrangements on these songs uh, often suck. And frankly, the karaoke sound often comes from the band (no offense, Ricky frakking Minor!). DioGuardi-In-Heat tells him he was better when he forgot the lyrics. Fowler is tearing up. I just did not think it was that bad. And yes, maybe they should start blaming the ARRANGEMENTS and the BAND.
Big deal, it was a little corny. Whatevia. Stephen Fowler is likable. And awwww, his wife is watching from home so he has no family in the back.
Fowler’s going to be low on the Frau-O-Meter, so that’s at least some good news for him.
Why will Stephen Fowler have the lowest Frau Factor of the evening?
Easy. Stephen Fowler is black. Frauen do not typically tard-out for the black man. Even if a portion of them may have helped vote a black man into the White House.
Hell, the one time they let a black guy win this thing, it was the “closest vote margin ever “and the “innocent geeky runner up white boy who sings Manilow and Humperdink” schooled his ass in album sales and batshit crazy fans. American Idol is watched mainly by a lot of sheltered white women in the south and the heartland. What? You think I’m just pulling this shit out of my ass? (And I’m originally FROM the heartland so I can say this crap.) I WISH this show had more diversity — so don’t go making evil comments. Anyway, the Fraus go nutty over the white dudes, although Hispanics are sometimes acceptable. Why? Because they have lighter skin (see Jason Castro). Yeah, I know that sounds horrible, but it’s true. Same could go for Anoop and he could end up with a boatload of Frauen. Hell, they still show up en masse for Sanjaya Malakar. But hey, America, prove me wrong. I want to be proven wrong. I don’t want people to be racist idiots. All I am stating is that this show’s viewing audience is white women in their 40s who like young white men.
Predictably, this evening’s “pimp spot” is going to Danny Gokey. But second-to-last is kind of pimp, too. Amazingly, they have given this choice placement to the one, the only…TWATIANA DEL TORO
You know this is the only reason you’re watching this show so buck up, little campers. Let’s see this trainwreck.
#11 Tatiana Del Toro
Saving All My Love For You
Now I’ve heard from a reliable source that she’s not as batshit crazy as the cameras make her out to be, which I take to mean she acts almost halfway normal when the cameras are not rolling. Twatiana is wearing another terrible dress for her frame. Her vocals are better than before, however, I’m utterly bored by this performance. And I cringe when she shimmies while singing “making love the whole night through”. Whitney Houston should not be allowed on this show. Twatiana only properly camps it up at the end when she finishes as if she uh, yeah, just “finished”.
Randy was impressed because he, obviously, thought she was going to destroy it, and she had some moments. When Kara critiques her, mainly because she’s displaying another personality and is “demure”. They wonder where she thinks she can fit in in the industry. Ever the idiot, Twatiana replies, “World Music. All genres.”
But let’s thank Simon for hitting the nail on the head. (And this was after he called her a drama queen)
You’re desperate to be famous.
Twatiana babbles on about how she’s in marketing, especially marketing herself. Oh no. They’re going to make her laugh. Which she now claims she never laughed like before IN HER LIFE. I still want to know why she’s wearing that dress in February. I don’t care if you’re in LA. That’s a shit dress. And I swear her Puerto Rican accent just came out tonight because I have never heard it before. And that bitch talked and talked during every episode I’ve seen over the past two weeks. Although she is kind of freaking me out, being all subdued. Like, did she take a valium? Or is she going to freak out like a madwoman and start humping pillows and spinning around in glee in about 10 minutes. Twatiana is a ticking time bomb.
The other chicks are not amused. Ha. I love these subtleties.
#12 Danny Gokey
Oh, Danny Gokey. I feel like I almost know you after this past weekend. Ok. Since the back story is about their auditions and what not, I guess he can mention his deceased wife. And he wants people to look at his situation to get strength of their own. A 1000 Frauen just weeped and started typing furiously on Idol Forums or a Gokey-specific message board (He already has several and voting has only begun tonight).
His version isn’t bad, I just hate the damn song with a passion. I don’t understand why no one ever does Enrique Iglesias’ Hero…wait. Did Ace Young do that a few years back? If not, I could so picture him doing Hero. Anyway, Gokey’s vocals are solid enough and frankly, I don’t think its going to be a huge surprise that he makes it to the Top 12. He already has a big enough following, the tragic back story and the pimp last performance slot.
Right now, since I am a nice person and I’ve already put Gokey through the ringer this weekend (well…maybe more so his CHURCH), I am going to think positively and say that Idol contestants do not choose the backdrop they put on the giant LCD screen. Please-oh-please say the producers decided to go with clouds on his. Please-oh-please.
Paula and DioGuardi-In-Heat are on their feet, naturally. Awww, and look, Jamar Rogers is in the audience. Jamar, if ever read this, I am sorry I hate your church. Actually, no, I’m not sorry. But I think you seem like a real nice guy.
Ok. Randy, Kara and Paula are going insane. Paula is babbling on about “sold-out arenas”. Simon brings them all back to reality. Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster for Simon Cowell. He says he’s a good singer, and he sung it well, but the arrangement was overwrought and he’s not “buying all the hype” right now.
Sure, Gokey was solid, but the song has been done a zillion times before. He says a couple of inspirational things and well, yeah, he does exude a certain preacher quality which is going to irritate a lot of people while endearing many more.
Even in these early stages, Danny Gokey’s score on the Frau-O-Meter is already at the maximum. I may have to revise the numerical scoring when we go to Top 12