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American Idol Round 1 Elimination: A PICTURE says 1000 words…

February 19, 2009

One of the most ridiculous group sings EVER.

Nice work, Idol, is there a reason you kept the tannest boys of the bunch mostly in the back? Ok, well they did get in the center for a few seconds there towards the end, however, you still prove my point.

(Racist fraks)

One of the most amusing parts of tonight’s horrendous (They’re always terrible. It’s a given.) group sing was the Battle of the Insecure Brunettes. It was beautiful as Ann Marie and Casey battled it out with Twatiana to get in front while singing their part of Jason Mraz’s I’m Yours.

Ok, the Idol editors totally screwed up for the sake of, uh, editing? They clearly used Randy’s comment about Ricky Braddy being the “start of Season 8” for the night’s first contestant, Jackie Tohn.

The third time this season we have seen Paula’s star jewelry. OMG, Twatiana, you are just incredible. Flipping your hair while talking about your dream you hoped America has helped keep alive.

Big surprise, Casey Carlson is out. Whatevia. She still has the whole being hot thing going for her.

Stephen Fowler is gone. Which is also no surprise, however, I still don’t think he deserved the critique they gave him. Can we say cannon fodder? Bastards. He probably would have given a few excellent performances if they let him stick around awhile.

Alexis Grace. Well, duh. We know you’re the girl going to the Top 12. But you still bore me and I don’t buy your fuchsia hair for a moment. You just got lucky you had the best performance of all the girls who were on stage last night. Obviously, with the strenuous group sing rehearsals, Miss Grace was not able to get some any sun today. She sings again, yawn. Sure, her voice is good. But she is DULL. The only thing worth watching are her parents.

Jackie Tohn and Ricky Braddy have to hear their decision, which is stupid because hello? They are picking only 3. Why bother standing 2 people up there at once?

Whatevia. At least I got to see Tohn’s adorable Uncle Paulie Dad one more time.

Anoop vs. Michael. Well, if you’re gonna pick one now for the sake of, oh, keeping the show rolling at a minimal pace. I already know how this is gonna play out. Anoop. But Michael Sarver comes back for the wildcard.

WHOA…WHAT???

I must have seriously underestimated his Frau Factor. Perhaps Gokey’s legion of crazed fans was too busy doing frantic web searches for anything having to do with his deceased wife, Sophia Gokey.

Sarver’s performance, hmmm….yeah…Bo Bice KILLED that song 4 years ago. No comparison. Sarver must have some scary secret Fraus.

Anyway, since Sarver is in the Top 12, this means….I CAN START QUOTING ARMAGEDDON!!!

You know we’re sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn’t it?

Ok, if that many votes separated Sarver and Anoop…there was someone between them? Whatevia. You know Anoop is coming back as a Wildcard. Because America needs ANOOP.

Seacrest talks about the American Idol Experience at Disney World. Carrie Underwood needs to eat something and I wonder about how those “judges” got their jobs at the theme park.

Carly Smithson & Michael “Sexy Aussie” Johns have arrived.

They do a duet. All I can think about is how big Carly’s weave must be, as she fully admitted to uh, having a weave. For as much as people hated these 2 on the show last year, I never minded them, in all honesty. And I think they have a good chemistry together, as they did a nice version of One on The Ellen Show.

Carly Smithson and Michael Johns return to Idol

But this tripe? Doing The Letter? Am I watching some terrible variety show in the 1974 or something? This kind of sucks. I expected a bit better. And I still figure they’re angling to be the Bradgelina of Idol or something because they just have that “we’ll eventually leave our spouses and get it on” kind of vibe.

Ann Marie, Brent and Stevie…yeah, you knew none of them were gonna make it. Awwwww, Ann Marie’s little Croat brother is crying. (Little Croat Brother kind of looks like a Little Adam Lambert, too.)

I just knew from the seating arrangement it would come down to this…Gokey vs. Twatiana.

OMG...Tatiana del Toro or Danny Gokey

Gokey v. Twatiana. This could be the ultimate VFTW victory, however…all the Gokey fans would have heart attacks if he didn’t go through AND Anoop needs to come back as a wild card.

(Jesus Christ, I probably should not have said that about the Gokey fans but I wasn’t thinking and it didn’t occur to me until now and frankly, I don’t have the energy to go back and fix it.)

Gokey vs. Twatiana. Ah, yes. I think the Idol producers set this one up only to torture VFTW once more.

Let’s look again, right as Seacrest reads the names. Twatiana’s eyes are closed. Gokey is looking above towards the heavens. Sigh…

Tatiana closes her eyes while Gokey looks toward Jesus

And of course, Gokey gets it. Twatiana dissolves into  a heap of sobs and I just want to hear her cry, NOOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY NOT ME? WHY IS IT NEVER MEEEEEEEEEEE? Twatiana, your Paula Abdul Star Jewelry just is not a good lucky charm, however, sales may be increasing after all this pimp exposure over the last 2 weeks.

Buy Paula Abdul's Star Jewelry on QVC

Oh. My. God. Oh. My. God. Oh. My. God. The camera pans back to “Gokey’s Family and Friend”.

Danny Gokey and Sophia Gokey...why oh why did this guy hold this up?

Uh…uh…uh…

And on that note. TopIdol OUT.

Wait…ANOOP! ANOOP! ANOOP!

I think its time for another Armageddon quote.

Wow, this is a goddamn Greek tragedy.

(But Anoop will ride again. I just know it.)

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18 Comments leave one →
  1. Yvonne permalink
    April 23, 2009 8:39 am

    I REALLY enjoy your site but when making comments, we’d appriciate it if you would not use the Lord’s name. It’s disrespectful and ruins the fun o reading your good stuff.
    THANKS a BUNCH!
    Yvonne

  2. RaiulBaztepo permalink
    March 28, 2009 8:22 pm

    Hello!
    Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
    PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language 😉
    See you!
    Your, Raiul Baztepo

  3. February 20, 2009 10:13 am

    Interesting Read! Very detailed blog.
    Thanks for sharing

  4. February 20, 2009 12:21 am

    I see the spam sites are latching on.

    Did you notice Dorkey giving the :vlick signal whilst ADB and Cunty were singing? Classy.

  5. February 19, 2009 9:58 pm

    thanks

    very good

    🙂

  6. Mysterioso permalink
    February 19, 2009 6:33 pm

    Gorky is the most hated Idol contestant ever. I can’t wait for his massive FAIL!

  7. zeldasdobi permalink
    February 19, 2009 1:43 pm

    Michael was actually pimped by Simon. Simon said he didn’t do very well but because he was such a nice guy he hoped America would vote him in.

    When I did my predictions I had no idea Simon could influence people to even vote for a BAD performance.

    WOW. So THAT is how Michael got in.

  8. standalone permalink
    February 19, 2009 8:32 am

    I’m not so sure Anoop will return.

    AI has to keep a guy/girl balance, and I doubt 2 girls will make top 3 for the other groups.

  9. spinshack permalink
    February 19, 2009 8:10 am

    “The only thing worth watching are her parents.” That’s one of the big things going for her, those hippie parents. I have love for hippie parents. Alexis G. looks like Barbie circa the 1950’s with the above the eyelash eyeliner, false eyelashes. Her skin was so consistently pale she looked as if she’d been sprayed with some sort of anti-tan paint. I do think regarding her singing and performance, she was the best of the night (Tuesday).

    Pairing the destined to Fail Tatiana with Hokey Gokey appeared to be a direct stab at VFTW.

    Anoop will most definitely return as a Wild Card pick.

  10. dan permalink
    February 19, 2009 3:23 am

    Funny Interviews with Alexis Grace, Michael Sarver and Danny Gokey and American Idol Season 8 Results: http://www.playlist.com/blog/entry/12410008067

  11. dan permalink
    February 19, 2009 3:13 am

    Oh TopIdol I thought you liked Johns? Don’t be mean, he’d never leave his hot wife (yea I happen to think she’s hot in person) for someone like Snarly. Maybe for Brooke–he actually prefers singing with her. Liked the duet that Johns wrote for her. As for The Letter, TPTB are too lame to actually have them sing something new or an actual original song. But it seems decent for them to invite those two back on after their Bootcamp clip got cut (embarrassingly, after Carly blogged about it). The performance was probably meant as time-filler, hence the haphazard prepping, but it’s not a bad break that other ex-contestants would or should say no to.

    I sure am glad how the MJ/Carly reappearance is pissing the crazy Castrotards who fervently blame Stoner’s missteps on everyone but Stoner himself.

    BTW I’m no Worster but I actually don’t mind Tatiana.

  12. February 19, 2009 2:35 am

    The Armageddon quotes must continue. If tatiana had pulled that out the VFTW servers would have melted to the center of the earth like The China Syndrome

Trackbacks

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