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Normund Gentle is HOT and ANOINTED!!!

February 26, 2009

This shit better be good. I got high hopes, tonight, Idol, high hopes. I even saved a Percocet for this crap.

So the other night, while watching the Oscars, I came up with the best idea. Seacrest totally needs to hook up with Jennifer Aniston in either a biblical or a beard way. Doesn’t matter. Those two belong together. 

Alexis Grace, Michael Sarver and Danny Gokey are in the audience, of course. Who else hates Alexis’ hair? 15-year-olds who frequent Hot Topic would even laugh at that crap coif.

Danny Gokey, Michael Sarver and Alexia Grace

Kara DioGuardi totally got Juvaderm-ed since last week and Randy Jackson is still wearing little kid jewelry. 

Oh how surprising. Frau favorite Adam Lambert is in the pimp spot. 

Jasmine Murray
Love Song

You’re 16. Chill on the tranny cake makeup set. Luckily, Murray has at least toned the lipstick down a bit this evening and gone with a more neutral gloss. I don’t care much for this song anyway, but the beginning of it was kind of rough. That being said, Murray has decent stage presence for a teenager and even with the rough notes, she is entirely more appealing than say, Syesha Mercado. And points for actually doing something new.

Jasmine Murray and Ryan Seacrest

Randy thinks she should have done Rihanna. Why? Because she’s black. Of course that shit was pitchy. Kara babbles on about her register. They’re all bashing her for her song choice, it wasn’t youthful enough or something. Which I don’t really understand, but…Simon nails it with his critique. I’ve also heard the word commercial more times in two minutes than I typically hear during an ANTM judging pow-wow.

Jasmine is gone, but don’t be too sad. The kid has a bright future and will likely get into any college she wants.  

Matt Giraud
Viva la Vida

The dueling piano player from Kalamazoo is almost guaranteed a spot in the Top 12. Frauen love him. Tweens like him. Megachurch fundies dig him. Even quasi-famous lesbians love them some Giraud.

Giraud is wearing the white shoes apparently gifted to every male contestant upon making the semifinals. I’ve seen those nasty things on Greasy Constantine, Gokey and now Giraud.

Matt Giraud: Loved by Lesbians

Giraud gets props from me because he sings Coldplay. Already, with just two performers, the song choices are better than any Idol episode I have ever seen. I don’t even like Love Song, but it is better than hearing some idiot destroy a perfectly good Heart song for the umpteenth time. Even if they suck, like both Murray and Giraud kind of do, it’s still better than a lot of the other suckage I’ve heard. 

Giraud was kind of fun but the cheesy Idol ending nearly ruined all of it for him. Kara tells him he shouldn’t be singing that song because he is a “bluesy, soulful guy”. Whatever, she’s just pissed because they showed his girlfriend in the audience. Paula is obviously flaunting another ring from her Paula Abdul Jewelry line. No wonder these kids sing shit songs all the time. They try to do something new and they’re ridiculed. Alas. You can never win. 

Paula Abdul wants you to buy her jewelry

Matt Giraud is the new Michael Johns. I predict a surprise seventh place boot. 

Frau Factor

I think I just heard some of Cook’s Cougars join yet another message board.  

Jeanine Vailes
This Love 

Vailes has had oh, almost zero airtime. She’s actually kind of likable in her pre-song interview and we also learn she is a bartender. Props for sin!

Jeanine Vailes is cannon fodder

Vailes’ song is by Maroon 5, not what the spoilers had listed for her. I like it when people sing out-of-gender songs, but Vailes outfit is horrible and uh, she kind of sucks. Which kind of makes me sad because she’s kind of likable and Jeanine, we hardly knew ya. The backup singers are drowning her out in some parts. She’s all over the place. And both her dancing and attire reminded me of the tuxedo-clad twins — Mirror Image — who were in the Dance TV finals against the Debutwat and Sarah Jessica Parker & Lee Montgomery in the classic film, Girls Just Want To Have Fun.

Adam Lambert needs to sing Q-Feel’s Dancing in Heaven. Christ, what an underrated song. 

Slow. Slow. Quick-Quick-Slow.

I hear the universe sing the celestial swing.

You know you’re frakked when Paula starts with, “Great legs”. She defers to Simon, who agrees about the legs but says it was a horrible song choice. Randy says the best part was the end because it was over. Props to Jeanine who says she’s been “flying under the radar”. Yes, sweetie, you have, so if someone close to you died bust that shit out now because it’s your last chance! But all she’s got is good legs and a dream, she just wants a shot, damnit. Poor sweet cannon fodder Jeanine. I am almost moved to vote for her. 

YES! YES! YES! After the break…will it be Nick or Normund. Christ, I love this man. He is the best thing to ever happen to this shit show.

Nick Mitchell is a god

Nick Mitchell / Normund Gentle
And I’m Not Going

I usually hate people who do songs perfected by other Idol contestants, namely the good ones like Jennifer Hudson. But Normund Gentle has arrived. He is pure poetry in motion. Neither Keats nor Michaelangelo could have even grasped the unadulterated beauty of one Normund Gentle. No one has ever worked the stage like the beautiful, beautiful god-like creature. NO ONE. This man deserves and Emmy, an Oscar, a Grammy  and even his own cult (I’m looking at you, Gokey!)

Normund Gentle is my American Idol

Normund Gentle is the ONLY true HOT and ANOINTED one! Look at the crowd! THEY LOVE THIS BEAUTIFUL MAN! THEY LOVE HIM!!!

Normund Gentle is on his knees for you

Normund Gentle is telling you he's not going

This man is perfection unlike anything I have ever seen. His father also looks like Jon Voight.

Simon is at a loss for words. He so cannot admit the love he feels for Normund Gentle. Normund’s parents are not amused by Simon’s antics. Randy tells him it was one of the most entertaining performances EVER. Damn straight, dawg. That’s the only time I’ll ever give you props. None of you can deny the beauty of this man so don’t even try! Even Seacrest just kind of outed himself because of Normund’s exquisite beauty. 

Frau Factor

Normund Gentle, I will be one of your frauen. I will tard over you for all eternity.

Alison Iraheta

Isn’t this the elder-love chick?  I think I’m confused. This chick hangs out at the local Hot Topic and the only thing her dress is missing is a Boy Toy belt. She’s singing Heart’s Alone, which pretty much should be retired from the Idol stage since Carrie Underwood killed it 4 years ago. I don’t even like Carrie Underwood, but her version was sick. I kind of like Alison’s voice, and I love the song but…I don’t know if this is memorable. Especially after the beautiful and exquisite Normund. But it’s good. She is real good. She’s more Kelly Clarkson-ish AND has semi-unironic Manic Panic hair unlike oh,  Miss Alexis Grace.

As much as I love this song, I sometimes torture people with my drunken karaoke rendition, because you know, it just speaks to me.

Alison Iraheta is better than expected

I kind of want to like Alison because I think she might actually be a semi-bad chick. Three cheers for sin! The judges adore her. Paula even throws out the tired “telephone book” line.   

Kris Allen
Man in the Mirror

Hot Fundy Boy from Arkansas is most likely  cannon fodder, which is why he was probably encouraged to sing Michael Jackson. I’m starting to think they tell the cannon fodder to sing the Whitney, the Michael Jackson, the et al of schlocky diva pop. 

Kris Allen wants to lead your praise and worship

Ugh, this song is preachy and those good-looking Fundy kids just freak me out. You can tell this kid is a megachurch singer. Don’t you feel like you’re at a megachurch right now? A little bit? Oh come on, you know you do. I do. 

Groan. Kara chides him for choosing the wrong song. Wrong song. Why don’t you choose their damn songs from the get-go? Paula disagrees. She thinks Hot Fundy Boy nailed it. SIMON AGREES WITH HER! Are we visiting another megachurch next week? 

Frau Factor

Creepy Adults for Archuleta and a handful of Claymates just felt their heart go THUD.  You see Jesus in him, right? He’s an Evangelical from Arkansas who Simon just pimped. This cannot end well.

Meghan Joy Corkrey
Put Your Records On 

I like Meghan Corkrey. But now I hear she wants to drop the Corkrey and go by Meghan Joy. Ugh. And WHAT HAS SHE DONE WITH HER HAIR? This chick has tatt sleeves, for chrissake. Now she’s looking all Pollyanna with lighter hair tumbling past her shoulders in ringlets.

Meghan Joy Corkrey is good

Ok. It’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought she was going all Brooke White on us. And this chick has a sick voice. I don’t even want to hate her, that’s how genuinely talented I think this chick is. I don’t even feel like making fun of her for being Mormon. I mean, I’m sure I will later, but for now I can’t really take fault with her whatsoever. They all like her, Kara starts talking about her getting the “right song” on the radio. I’m going to start taking shots every time I hear that chick say “right song”. 

Matt Breitzke
If You Could Only See

Welder Bear is going to sing! Welder Bear! I like Welder Bear.  Welder Bear is singing Tonic. He is a total bar singer. I think Welder Bear is better than Michael Sarver, to be honest. While this song sounds exactly like something I would hear in a bar, it is still better than a lot of what we heard last week. 

Matt Breitzke is Welder Bear!

Simon really likes him, but he hated the song. He’s frustrated. Welder Bear says he disagrees. I like Welder Bear. Everyone likes Welder Bear. Yeah, it was boring. But it was better than well, most of everything we saw last week. Welder Bear is sweating. I always get a kick out of sweaty bald heads for some reason, ever since I saw the sweat wipes for bald men at CVS.  Awwww…I like you, Welder Bear.

Frau Factor

I know he has frauen, but he needs the Bear lovers to get off their asses and vote. 

Jesse Langseth
Bette Davis Eyes

Single mom and singer of a Grammy-winning blues artist, Langseth has the kind of voice I like in female singers, but I kind of hate her white trash clothes. I’m actually kind of amazed how many people I don’t hate tonight. This could be the best episode of Idol I’ve ever seen, to be honest. Of course, no other episode has ever contained the beauty of Normund Gentle, so I am a bit biased. 

Jesse Langseth: Good Voice. Bad Sweater.

I like how she counters Randy’s criticism by asking what he means by more. I just don’t know if she’ll make it after seeing Meghan Corkrey and Alison Iraheta. Hell, I’m even impressed by this chick’s musical knowledge, how she talks about a song. Of course, she’s had zero pimping. But Paula thinks she’s still cool, even if Simon thinks she’s forgettable.

Kai Kalama
What Becomes of the Broken Hearted 

YAY! Our boy High Kalama is up! I’m kind of excited, since we’ve hardly seen any Citizen Kai. I totally like this guy, of course, I worry what the Castro Frauen will do to him, obviously. Nice job, Kai, of getting your mom in the audience. You’ve been watching, haven’t you? You know what a tragic back story can do for votes. 

Kai Kalama: Get him high on your votes

I think Kalama has a solid voice. Kara wants to bang him, even if she bashes his song choice. I think Kai needs to stick around. Paula wants to bang him, even if he falls off pitch. Simon thinks it was corny and old-fashioned. He even says it would be heard at a hotel or wedding. Randy agrees. Whatever. They’re just jealous because the ladies want to get High with Kalama.

I hope Kai comes back in the wild card. Castro Frauen, start voting, damnit! Make your batshit crazy selves uselful! Kalama also is from Hawaii, a state notorious for their support of hometown Idol contestants 

Frau Factor

The Castro Frauen could fall in love with this guy. Have they seen the clip of him on the uke? 

Mishavonna Henson 
Drops of Jupiter

 I guess her voice is good. But I kind of don’t like this chick. This whole performance seems to forced. It seems churchy. YES! Of course. This was dull, forced, uh…it was boring.

The judges kind of have the same sentiments. Simon was left cold. They don’t know what a Drop of Jupiter is, of course, neither do I. Since you guys are calling her too old for her age, I hope you do the same for Taylor Zuckerman next week. 

If you put me through, you’ll get to see the crazy.

Adam Lambert

The moment his frauen have been waiting for. The Idol producers are ridiculously obvious in their pimping this year. Gay vs. God. Let’s do it.

Camp it up, bitch, camp it up! Of course, it really doesn’t matter what he sings. He also did an almost crotch-grab! On family TV! Yes, Lambert, yes! I like this guy, he’s no Normund Gentle (but then again, who is?), but I like the glam rock style. I will also love laughing at all the women who swear up and down about him being on-so-very straight.

Adam Lambert: Glam Rock Androgyny on American Idol

So can the Idol contestants request their high-definition background graphics? Because Gokey had clouds behind him last week and Lambert has got a rainbow test pattern setting the stage. See? I told you. GAY VS. GOD. 

Lambert is a performer. He is also a sinner, so he deserves your vote! Paula is on her feet and nearly foaming at the mouth. Simon cannot decide if he is bad or brilliant. Randy calls him dawg and says he loves him because he is the most now contestant they’ve ever seen. He also calls him a combination of Steven Tyler, Fall Out Boy and Twilight’s Robert Patterson. Christ, Randy, you had to go and get all those Twilight-loving tweens, teens & tards on this guy’s ass even more. Lambert helps his cause. He says he LOVES Twilight. He doesn’t even need a tragic back story. 

Frau Factor

Pimp Spot + Arriving with to the Top 36 with Fraus +  Twilight mention + Inevitable Rosie O’Donnell endorsement = This man will be followed by frauen for the rest of his days

Tonight was better than uh, most every night on Idol. However, the evening belonged to the magnificent HOT and ANOINTED Normund Gentle

Let’s watch his greatness again, shall we?

4 Comments leave one →
  1. jena permalink
    March 2, 2009 3:13 pm

    i hope nick gets the wild card vote…
    he’s the only reason, i mean “only” reason
    i watch this season’s episodes, could care
    less for the other talented singers in the

  2. napps106 permalink
    February 27, 2009 6:32 pm

    “Paula is on her feat” Feet?

  3. Liz permalink
    February 26, 2009 6:16 pm

    The only people I want to get through are Jris, Jesse, and Adam. Don’t care about the rest enough to recap. Jasmine and Matt fucked up. And others probably stole their spots. oh well.

  4. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    February 26, 2009 4:36 am

    Nick/Normund made me laugh uproariously. But Simon is displeased which means Nick and/or Normund will be on the first flight out of LAX after the results show.

    Adam Lambert’s voice is so good it’s preposterous. He needs a bigger stage to work with. I….don’t really remember any of the other performances except the girl who sang “Alone” was good. The only other thing that registered with me was that Kris Allen is cute.

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