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American Idol Round 3: Those Vocals Were On Fire (Island)

March 3, 2009

True to Idol fashion, Lil Rounds will be singing in tonight’s pimp spot. I wonder if she’ll suck it up like she did in Hollywood. But I think Idol is just trying to prove its not so damn white.

Wow. I really, really, really hate Kendall Beard. They’ve saved all the idiot blondes for tonight so I’m sure I’ll be able to spread my hatred between her and Kristen McNamera.

Von Smith
You’re All I Need To Get By

Von Smith kind of freaks me out

There is something about this kid that, that…I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe I don’t like his use of the color orange? His facial expressions? His voice? I’m finding this performance all rather meh. The judges will call him old-fashioned.

Von Smith reminds me of the Bad Kid Puppet Randy on Pee Wee’s Playhouse.

Von Smith looks like Bad Kid Puppet Randy from Pee Wee's Playhouse

OMG. Von Smith’s mom jumping in down made like, my last five minutes.

Randy thinks the performance is hot. He thinks Von has “found himself.” As does Kara. She babbles on about something him shouting with meaning. Paula calls him a showman. Wow. No one has said old-fashioned? Well…does it count that Simon said he reminded him of Clay Aiken?

Taylor Vaifauna
If I Ain’t Got You

Ah, the 17-year-old Mormon chick who looks like she’s in her mid-30s. (And no, it’s not because she is tall! She looks old!) I despise this song. I have no idea why people come on this show and sing this song. And didn’t they sing this during Hollywood Week. I can’t understand what she’s saying. Taylor Zuckermann is boring me. I think Syesha did this same shit last year. I will give Vaifauna props for one thing, though…VINYL LEGGINGS! VINYL LEGGINGS ON A LATTER DAY SAINT!!!!

Taylor Vaifauna: Going Home

While singing, Taylor moved herself to tears. She made me want to cry, too, but not for the same reasons. Kara babbles on about wondering who she is and what it would be like to go shopping with her. Paula is perplexed, but points out the obvious, that she sang this song during Hollywood Week. Simon does not get the shopping reference. Randy asks her if she likes soy milk or regular milk. Simon calls her generic. He totally calls it.

Alex Wagner-Trugman
I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues

Alex Wagner-Trugman RULES

Yay! I love the geeks! I love the geniuses! I love the geeky geniuses! Oh, Jesus, shameless Coca Cola plug with cup-designing contest.

Alex begins…YES! I love it. This kid is hilarious! I’m sure his mention of a “long-distance relationship” will have people wondering as to if he was talking about a male or female. Who the hell cares? I love this kid! He’s hilarious. His dorkiness is charming. He will be crucified by the judges for his awkward moves, attempted mic stand antics and hell, everything else. But I adore him. Isn’t that what matters? Finally, someone tonight who was actually FUN.

And hello??? Dorktastic Dad with a MILF!! (You SOOOO know what that means.)

Alex Wagner-Trugman's Parents

Paula thinks he is “fun” and “entertaining”. Simon didn’t like his growling and likens him to a hamster trying to be a tiger. Alex says it was an accident when he kicked over the mic stand. Randy agrees with Simon. Kara actually says something nice. She tells him he is at least aware of who he is. Alex was just trying to have fun. YAY! Whatever. These people just don’t know fine entertainment.

Arianna Asfar
The Winner Takes It All

I initially confused Arianna with Alison last week, because frankly, a lot of these people start blurring together. Arianna is our Elder-Love girl. She will be performing the FIRST ABBA SONG EVER ON IDOL. Wow. It took this long? But hey, at least you’ll know she’ll sing it better than Pierce Brosnan. The kid has pipes, yes, maybe, kind of? In some parts, perhaps, but I was a bit bored. I spent the majority of my time trying to listen to the lyrics, some of which I couldn’t understand.

Arianna Asfar: Not Long for Idol World

Simon blasts her, says she is terrible, blah blah blah. Randy agrees and starts talking about how she’s picking songs that are too old and too big for such a little girl. Blah blah blah. Elder Love Girl’s eyes are watery. I realize I really loathe the way Kara says vivacious. She tells her to be young and to touch people. Paula can’t say Abba right. I wonder what Kara meant about “touching people”. Arianna is most likely out of here, unless the grandparents get out the vote.

I am so ridiculously bored.

Ju’Not Joyner
Hey There Delilah

Ju'Not Joyner

I love how he says he is a business owner and I have no idea why. Joyner is going to do his Hollywood Week song, too, wonder if it will work out as well for him as it did Taylor Zuckerman. But I don’t even care because I love the fact this guy is wearing handcuffs attached to his belt. Joyner has a good voice, but I hate the fact Randy made some ridiculous play on words with his name. Randy loves it, yet neither he nor Kara bring up the fact he performed it in Hollywood Week. Kara wants to bang him. Paula wants to see his little boy.

Ju’Not’s mother is adorable.

Ju'not Joyner's mother

Paula brings up the fact he sang the song in Hollywood Week, mentions Taylor Vaifauna doing the same thing but gives Ju’Not props for changing it up. Simon adds insult to Taylor’ Zuckermann’s injury by saying Taylor who? Which was actually pretty damn funny. Simon likes him, but says he was nervous, which leads to Joyner saying something about getting a cortisone shot in the ass. Which makes me like this guy even more. And franky, Idol needs more black people.

Kristen McNamera makes me ill. Oh, snap. Nathaniel disses on poor Nancy Wilson. Kirsten acts like the fake twat you know that she is. You know she hates Nathaniel and probably everyone else.

Kristen McNamera
Gimme One Reason

Idiot claims her hairstylist accidently gave her purple hair for the audition. Which is why she color-coordinated her outfit to match her hair, obviously. And I wish she would just admit to swallowing a tape worm before she got to Hollywood because the bitch dropped like 15-20 pounds pretty damn fast. I can’t wait to see her FAIL. (Just as she did on Nashville Star.)

WHAT IS THIS SHITE?? She’s dressed like a milkmaid hooker and the arrangement is pure cheesy wedding band. McNamera’s “real-life” occupation is karaoke hostess, which pretty much explains why she sucks. And why she insists on yelling out to the audience. Yeah, bitch, don’t forget to tip your bartenders. Now get the frak off stage.

Kristen McNamera sucks

Kara thinks she can sing, but did not like the song and disses her outfit. And rightfully so. She has like, nasty pink tulle flowers on her shoulders. And gold stilettos. This look is all the rage with milkmaid hookers.

When its time to give out her number, Ms. McNamera whines that she’s never had style and always looked like an idiot. Ryan’s Teleprompter can’t even think of something to reply with when she begs for a stylist.

Nathaniel Marshall
I Would Do Anything For Love

Christ, I love this guy. And OMG. He is doing Meat Loaf. I love his headband. OMG. He is so brilliantly campy. I LOVE HIM. This is FABULOUS.

This is entertainment. This is why Gay will win over God, damnit! God music. Not fun. Campy queens doing Meat Loaf. SO MUCH FUN!!

Nathaniel Marshall RULES

Marshall is a good singer and I just find it refreshing to watch someone up there to have fun. The people who take it too seriously, they just put so much intensity into their performances that all the fun gets sucked out. It’s like someone stuck them in a Ronco Food Dehydrator and then vacuum-sealed them for freshness (I’m looking at you, Vinyl Legging Vaifauna and Milkmaid Hooker). Wouldn’t this shit show be a lot better if the contestants actually had fun on stage?

The judges are stunned. Simon things he was verging on excruciating. Granted, I was thinking Olivia Newton-John’s Physical, too, but that was more the dancing than the headband. Whoa. Simon backs up and says he is fun and that he likes them. Awww, Nathaniel tells a sweet story about his mother and him singing and dancing to Meat Loaf around the house. Randy thinks he is fun.

Do you guys see a pattern here? GAY IS THE NEW FUN. GAY IS THE NEW FUN. Okay, for chrissake. Kara wants to see his serious side and wants to go karaoke-ing with him. Will this be after she goes shopping with Taylor Zuckermann? She fails to realize he was trying to be less serious because of his drama queen antics. For some reason, I guess its because she’s off the pain meds, Paula is making way too much sense tonight. Way too much. She acknowledges his serious side during Hollywood Week (his acoustic-with-guitar rendition of Rihanna’s Disturbia). Wait. I was wrong. Paula stopped making sense. She thinks he did the Boy George version. Oh silly, Paula, don’t you know Boy George is still performing? As a DJ? Wait. I think he’s in prison now, but I’ve seen him DJ. I also saw him sign a midget’s breasts. (Yes, I took a photo. I’ll have to dig up my ancient IBM ThinkPad.) Ok, Nathaniel would so sign a midget’s breasts, but then again, so would I.

I adore little people.

And after the commercial break…THE GOD SQUAD

(I really want to see Watchmen.)

Felicia Barton
No One

Felicia Barton is a stay-at-home mom / church worship leader. She is also doing Alicia Keys, granted the one Alicia Keys’ song I absolutely LOVE, but…I’m just so over these chicks singing Alicia Keys. And a whole bunch of other stuff. The arrangement of this song sucks, but Barton can sing. The arrangement is ridiculously bad. I actually don’t mind her voice, even though she has embodies so many things I just detest. She actually has a very good voice, but the arrangement was one of the shittiest arrangements of a good song I have ever heard. Didn’t that sound completely disjointed in about 5 different places?

Felicia Barton: Jesus brought her a new hairstyle

Isn’t it funny how the universe works? Must have been those prayers, right? (According to her husband’s blog, prayers did bring a hairstylist and a dentist.) Not the fact they booted Joplanta. Paula loves her. Simon isn’t that enthusiastic. I would bet $50 even if she doesn’t make it, she’ll score a Wild Card spot, especially because the lack of decent girls in the competition.

Scott MacIntyre
Mandolin Rain

I kind of love this guy, even though he’s kind of big into Jesus music. First off, he’s a genius. Second, he totally danced with his walking stick last week. Sadly, I think MacIntyre only really shines when he’s behind a piano. He will be vulnerable as long as he is without an instrument. I guess he nails a few notes here and there. This performance? Kind of blah in a lot of ways.

I feel horrible for thinking this, but I really want him to pay tribute to the late Jeff Healey and perform Angel Eyes. His Frauen Factor would go off the charts!

And in the audience, his father and brother. You remember his brother from the auditions, right?

Scott MacIntyre's family

Randy just called him baby. I kind of got a piss shiver. But Randy feels is passion. However, I’m really looking forward to Kara’s critique because she always uses the word see a lot when talking to him.

I want America to see you play and sing. I want them to really see Scott.

Yeah, even if he doesn’t get voted through, you know he’s coming back for the Wild Card. He’s even growing on Simon. Because he’s starting to believe in himself now. Simon even thinks he’s relevance and says he will be AMAZED if he doesn’t sail through to the next round. Wow. I thought they had forgone pimping The Blind Dude once The Dead Wife Guy showed up, didn’t you?

But who can’t love The Blind Dude. ESPECIALLY when he tells Ryan he needs a HIGH FIVE. Beautiful. (Uh…why did Ryan call him Scotty the Body??)

Scott MacIntyre high fives Seacrest

And after the break, our final blonde bimbo of the competition. You know. The skinnier one with fake ta-tas who doesn’t ever stop waving. Wow. Kendall Beard and Kristen McNamera actually almost make me miss Kristy Lee Cook.

Kendall Beard
This Is For All You Girls

Kendall Beard: Cindy McCain is on Idol?

Jesus, this chick is an idiot. Of course, she’s positioning herself as the “cute blonde country chick” since McNasta-mera Milkmaid Hooker doesn’t just know who the heck she is as an artist. Which might work out wisely for her, since Idol always needs a designated cute blonde country chick. Whatevia. Bitch looks like Cindy McCain. I think she’s even had as much plastic surgery as Cindy McCain.

Kendall Beard was borne from Cindy McCainI’m utterly bored by her performance, mainly because I swear I’ve heard it 5000 times before. And I can’t stop wondering what died and wrapped itself around her waist. I really don’t know if it was vocally wrong, but it was just kind of sucky. Beard’s mother wears silver blazers. And her shiny mother put together Kendall’s outfit, too. Paula could only comment on her clothes, which kind of means she sucks. Simon thinks she is cute but shrill.

Randy stars spouting Randy Nonsense, but I can’t really pay attention because I’m blinded by his god-awful watch.

Jorge Nunez
Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me

For whatever reason, I really like Jorge. He will be the second person of the evening singing Elton John. His vocals are solid, even though I’ve never been a fan of the show. However, I am a fan of the CHEESY SPLIT SCREEN, which Idol busts out for our sweet Jorge.

Jorge Nunez gets split screen treatment

Up on the contestants’ deck, McNasta-mera is clapping begrudgingly for Jorge. Milkmaid Hooker is such a twat. By the end of the song, PAULA IS ON HER FEET. I think Paula is moved to tears. She also manages to show off her latest Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection ring.

Another tacky ring from the Paula Abdul Collection

They all like his vocals, even if Simon wants him to go back to singing with an accent and Paula and Kara just want to hear him talk with one because it makes them all happy like little girls. Kara says he touches people when he sings. Awww…Jorge is now moved to tears. How can anyone not love Jorge?

He even speaks some Spanish. Little Iraheta ought to bust out some Spanish if she knows what’s good for her.

Lil Rounds
Be Without You

Ah, LIl Rounds in the pimp spot. Because she’s the only chick who has been pimped. Of course, I thought, if I remember correctly, I thought she had a terrible Hollywood Week. She’s singing Mary J. Blige, which was definitely a good decision. Lil Rounds will make the Top 12 because Idol always needs a black diva, just as they always need a cute country blonde. Plus the producers and judges want her there. This is why she is performing last.

Lil Rounds in pimp spot

Lil Rounds does have a good voice, and I’ll give her some props for doing Mary J. Blige. I can’t really remember anyone doing Mary J. Blige on this shit show before. The judges, naturally, all love her. Kara tries talking “black”. She calls her girl. I roll my eyes. Paula makes a cutesy stupid joke about seeing her for “many more Lil Rounds to come.”

Ok. So Lil Rounds is a lock for tomorrow night. Then maybe Scott McIntyre? Or Jorge Nunez? Or will it be Felicia Barton? She DOES have the power of Jesus on her side. Although I am BEGGING for Alex Wagner-Trugman, Ju’Not Joyner and Nathaniel Marshall to get entry into the Wild Card. Toss Cindy McCain and Karaoke McNasta-mera out with the moldy takeout sitting in your refrigerator.

Ugh. And to think, this week, we’ve got two more nights of this shit show.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. March 5, 2009 12:59 pm

    You’re completely wrong. Nathaniel is horrible! He’s not that great of a singer and he completely RUINED Meatloaf’s song. The chorus was supposed to be more stacato and not legato. It lacked passion. You only like him for his gay factor and “fun”.

    Kendall Beard did a fairly good job of performing “This One’s…” Seems to me like you have a blonde issue and you cannot enjoy good singing.

    I’d probably enjoy your writing more if it was less biased and actually based on talent rather than just how someone looks or doesn’t fit into your catagory. Why does it matter if Kendall Beard looks like McCain or Von looks like Randy(although he does). Both of them did a fairly good job.

    • TopIdol permalink
      March 5, 2009 1:49 pm

      I will totally admit to having a blonde issue.

      Von wasn’t bad vocally, I just didn’t care for his performance over a lot of others we’ve seen in the semi-finals. I really think there were stronger vocalists who deserved a spot in the Wild Card round over Von Smith (particularly Ju’not Joyner), although putting Jasmine Murray in pisses me off more than him because she really did not deserve a spot.

      I try to give props when I can, but part of the fun in writing this nonsense is that I can be biased and have FUN with it. But whenever possible, I like to see people who go against the grain on this show because we just don’t get enough of it. They actually had some decent contestants this year but squandered the opportunity to give the Top 12 spots to those who may have deserved it more, or at least deserved another chance.

  2. just1 permalink
    March 4, 2009 7:15 pm

    I LOVE your assessment of ALEX. He is the most fun contestant this year, and I actually REALLY love his voice, and his attitude. I will be sorry to see him go, as I’m sure he will.

  3. March 4, 2009 4:22 pm

    This is easily the worst AI season ever.


  1. AI Top 36 Round 3 « Girl Watches Television

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