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Intoxicated Wild Card blogging! (Anoop better BRING IT)

March 6, 2009

Why is Seacrest wearing a three-piece suit?

Whatevia. I’ve had a few after-work beers. And I felt the need to stop and buy a 6-pack of Red Stripe on the way home? Why? Because I just wanted one more beer, and not one that was 24 ounces. Plus, it was either that or The Captain and it’s a weeknight, I have a bunch of work to do tomorrow…so…

I don’t agree with this chosen group of 8 and I can’t wait to see oh, the majority of them bite it. I’m thankful Anoop Desai is in the “pimp spot”, despite the lack of any non-judge voting. It still says he’s in the pimp spot and will move on to the next round.

Jesse Langseth
Tell Me Something Good 

Jesse Langseth: Talented Cannon Fodder

I like her. Because she’s actually frakking talented. She makes me not even want to care about the fact she wears box-knit sweaters laden with Lurex manufactured by Necessary Objects in 2005. If this is actually a vocal competition, she’s one of the best ones we’ve seen. Plus, if she makes it, we might actually get to hear good music during the Top 12.

Randy disses her. Kara translates for Randy, but she loves her swagger. She likens her to “the other side”, aka, Sasha Fierce. Because hello? Kara can only compare people to relevant black chicks who sing. Simon throws out indulgent again, although, I have a feeling he should save it for Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet Von Smith. Paula and Kara defend Jesse. While I’m sure they love her voice, I have a feeling they prefer stacking the Top 12 with chicks who might not be as cute as them. 

Matt Giraud
Who’s Lovin’ You

He’s totally playing up the soulful to make it through. He’s singing the Jackson 5 and wearing a hat. His voice is actually pretty decent, which may or may not be because I’ve had a few beers, yet, it still can not help the fact I think he looks like a doomed cancer patient undergoing chemo in a manipulative tearjerker directed by Mimi Leder. The fedora. The kaffiyeh…come on, Giraud. I know tragic back stories work on this shit show but Campbell Scott did it so much better in Dying Young.

Matt Giraud: Looks like cancer patient

Kara and Paula want to bang him. Hello, Cougar Paula. You are wearing pink-tinged leopard print. You know how you can spot cougars? They wear animal prints. I still don’t understand why the dude can’t sing Coldplay. If he likes it, how is he not him. Simon hates his ensemble and compares him to Taylor Hicks. Randy gets on his knees for him, i.e., calls him dawg and tells him that it’s hot.

Meghan Joy Corkrey
Black Horse and Cherry Tree 

Come on, haters. Can’t I get props for loving a young blonde Mormon single-mom whose middle name is Joy and who resides in some mythical place called Sandy, Utah? I like this girl and I feel absolutely no need to apologize. While I am disappointed at her song choice, as well as a few iffy notes at the beginning. Oh, why couldn’t she have chosen Winehouse??

Meghan Corkrey: Deserving of a spot

Ugh. Not a good song choice. And now I keep thinking about Twatiana’s nasty sequined dress. Oh, Meghan Joy. That was not good. Why are you failing me like this?

Uh oh. Paula says she looks beautiful. But she says the song fit her personality. Uh…reluctant clapping. Well, Simon still likes her and thinks she’s current and SHE IS SO NOT KARAOKE. Ok, good, he admits that it’s not the best vocal. 

I can’t believe I’m backing their pimping. However, this chick soooooo needs to be in the Top 12. Yeah. She is soooooo in.

Von Smith (Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet Randy)
Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word 

I feel really bad but I’ve been drinking. I’m such a sinner. But I know it’s not the alcohol making me think…This kid is so gay. And that’s totally cool, however, I cannot watch Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet singing without doubling over in laughter and that has nothing to do with the fact he might like dudes. Oh for chrissake. This almost makes me want to cut myself. And I have no idea what his Maddox Jolie-Pitt Faux Hawk is doing tonight. 

Von Smith: Pee Wee's Bad Kid Puppet Randy

Oh, ha. Simon finds him boring. I still cannot get over Paula’s neon-pink cougar print ensemble. Nor can I ignore Randy’s tacky ass, diamond-incrusted orange watch. 

Whatevia. He is so done. Where is Anoop? Of course, I have a heart and now I’m feeling kind of bad because I feel like Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet is going to start crying. And I wonder if it’s just the beer because Paula is making a lot of sense. Oh Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet, I know what it’s like to over think things, too. That’s why I stopped.

Jasmine Murray

Jasmine Murray: Why are you here???

I have no idea why they picked tranny-cake makeup pageant chick. I’m sure she’s a sweet kid, but come on. 

Is this a Disney song? I’ve never heard it before. But it makes me want to gag. And black out. But when I black out, all I am seeing are cartoon characters. And tranny-cake makeup sets.

Jasmine Murray. You bore me. Your voice is pleasant, perhaps, but you bore me to tears. Please, get off the stage, go back to high school, get into a good college and have a good life. Honestly, I really wish the best for you. Which is why I cannot stomach watching you sing another shit-ass ballad about cartoon characters feeling penciled-in emotion.

I have no idea why they’re semi-pimping her. Plus, Paula starts off by talking about how lovely she looks. Uh, what? Simon? What are you talking about? How was this a brave song choice? What, do you people think, because she is a pretty black girl, she reminds people of Malia or Sasha Obama or something? She’s back in the running? Uh, how??? 

Ricky Braddy

Yeah, wait. He’s singing. Sorry. I was distracted by Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet moving his head in a circular, yet snake-like motion to the beat of the Stevie Wonder classic. Uh, ok. This kind of sucked? But it really doesn’t matter since Paula was on her feat about two or three bars in.

Ricky Braddy: Should be driving NASCAR

Alas. I still wish he was on the NASCAR circuit because, frankly, why waste such an incredible name?

Obviously, Kara wants to bang him. As does Paula. However, he’s battling it out with Giraud for the spot since the judges will be (and should be) stoned if they do not select Anoop, plus, we need a girl to make things look even. So…

Simon wasn’t feeling it. Neither was I. Can’t he just have a successful NASCAR career so I don’t feel guilty about wanting him to FAIL. Oh for chrissake. Now Randy is using the word indulgent

Jesus. I almost barfed in my mouth hearing Seacrest say the words dramatic and Idol dreams in such quick succession.

Tatiana del Toro
Saving All My Love For You 

Tatiana del Toro: Wants American to LOVE LOVE LOVE Her

Ok. Can we just give her say, $20,000 for putting on the BEST PRE-SHOW INTERVIEW OF THE NIGHT?? After seeing fellow Boricua Jorge Nunez sail through, our dear Twatiana has somehow re-discovered her hispanic accent. It only comes out on special occasions, of course, and tonight is the most special of occasions. Her heartfelt plea to America makes me feel as if I am watching one of those star-studded “telethons” held in the aftermath of 9/11 and Hurrocane Katrina. I’m even wishing Kayne West would just pop out and say American Idol hates black people

I am ready to sing for you, America. Thank you so much.

OH NO FRAKKING WAY. NO FRAKKING WAY. This is too incredible. She is singing Whitney Houston. Again. Did she sing this a couple of weeks ago? I think so…? Oh hell, even Whitney can’t tell her own songs apart once you give her a few bumps.

This is soooo bad. I paused it because I had a phone call, yet, I am so enamored with the judges’ collective expressions at the moment. It’s like a sad-sack freshman art student trying to evoke Edward Hopper. 

American Idol: The Edward Hopper Version

Which is kind of appropriate for Twatiana in a way, right?

Seriously. You guys wanted this chick back on stage but the amazing Normund Gentle wasn’t good enough? 

Paula is ridiculously lucid. She even calls Twatiana out on her bullshit accent. Twatiana even tries to say she’s like Jorge, like oh, when she gets emotional, her “English just starts sounding weird”.

OMG. SHUT THE FRAK UP WITH YOUR FAUX HISPANIC ACCENT. This is even more hilarious than Paula’s rhinestone-encrusted pink scarf.

Ok. Get the schizophrenic whack job Whitney wannabe off the stage.

Anoop Desai
My Perogative  

YAY! YAY! YAY! I love this frakking kid. How can you NOT let this guy through after he does that mean body role while singing the word nasty

America needs Anoop. (Plus, India and Indians are the NEW BIG THING. Didn’t you hear? It’s all the rage since Slumdog Millionaire.)Paula is going crazy. Yeah, Anoop, hit that high note while you even let your backup singers shine a bit. Here’s a contestant willing to share the spotlight. Here is a contestant who wrote a goddamn honors thesis on BBQ, for chrissake. 

Anoop Desai: He is your Idol

Whatevia. You guys all know he is going through. Don’t you dare compare him to a dog, Simon.

Simon even knows he’s got to get through because people like him and frankly, their job is all about casting.

Simon even says congratulations. Randy calls him Anoop Brown Dawg, which not one of his fellows judges got until he said Bobby Brown’s cousin. Anoop is gracious enough to throw out some flirtatious quip to DioHornio to which she replies, hee haw. I gag. But I’ll let it slide because I just really want Anoop to get through to the Top 12.

How did I just now notice Paula is showcasing not ONE but TWO rings from her Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection?

More rings from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection

Ok. Here is what we were waiting for…

Please no please no please no please no please no please no WTF?

Tranny-cake makeup pageant queen Jasmine Murray???

Ricky Braddy gets the shaft, but Jasmine Murrary gets in? 

Some suspenseful bullshit with Meghan Corkrey and Twatiana. If you even choose Twatiana…

Ok. This absolutely made my night. Oh my frakking god. I am in heaven. Once Meghan’s name is called, Twatiana is inconsolable, while Meghan Corkrey gives her a hug. Blah, blah, blah. Now let’s flash to the red room and to one of my personal favorites of this competition, Kai Kalama.

Look at the exquisite glee on this young man’s face! It is a face of joyous laughter. 

Kai Kalama: Laughing at Twatiana del Toro

Paula basically admits Twatiana is a big ol’ joke, going as far as saying they’ve “had a lot of fun with her”. Beauty. Come on, of course Paula feels the need to be nice. She really doesn’t want any more stalkers, yet, she still needs someone to buy her jewelry. 

Paula Abdul does not want another crazy stalker

I still cannot believe Jasmine Murray is in the Top 12. Twatiana’s Pretty-In-Pink Lee Press-On Nails were more deserving of a spot over Jasmine Murray. And obviously, since she sang first, I imagine Jesse Langseth was forgotten about by the first commercial break.

Tis a shame.

Thanks, Tivo. Thanks for cutting this shit show off. Guess I’ll have to find out about the “big spoiler” on Google News, right?

Oh, I get it. I guess they put Anoop through hell when giving Matt Giraud his ticket in. How cute. You’ve taken 13 singers this year. I really should have seen this coming, especially since you had already announced the elimination of Idol Gives Back. How else would you fill that week, right?

And granted, I thought you guys needed a little affirmative action and all, but I really don’t get the whole Jasmine Murray thing. Really, Idol, if you needed another singer of color, there was this guy named Ju’not who took a cortisone shot in the ass for you.

One Comment leave one →
  1. M-Town permalink
    March 6, 2009 3:07 am

    I am even more pissed about Norman not getting a spot in the Wild Card round after what the Twat did. The same damn song!?!?!

    Nick (Norman) would of brought it again. Dammit! Anoop though is a stud. I’m likin his upside in this competition.

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