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His & Hers Aprons, Shirt-Matching Eyewear, Quasi-Gay Rights Anthems and oh yeah, CAWING: AI Top 13

March 10, 2009

So I briefly saw something today about Meghan Corkrey dropping the Corkrey (her ex-husband’s last name) and is just going to use her middle name — Joy. Ugh. Meghan. You’re making it difficult for me to like you.

Why do they let Randy talk? Oh jesus, does this man lie. He thinks this is the first time “any one of the Top 13 could win the whole thing.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Yeah. Jasmine Murray could win this entire thing. Yeahhhhhhh.

Lucid Paula has been surprisingly good with her criticism, but hey, I’ve always thought Paula gave more pertinent advice than Randy. In any case, I’ve been feeling quite nostalgic for the days of Percocet Paula and am hoping her dress is a sign of things to come because basically, you would have to be taking some good pills to publicly don an ensemble clearly inspired by a bird strangling itself in gilded ivy.

Paula Abdul: Wearing dress with strangled bird

So does this mean Alexis Grace is in the pimp spot? Gag me. And Simon breaks the news that TWO people are going home tomorrow. Uh, yeah. I think I read that like, last week.

Let’s watch people screaming for Michael Jackson without mentioning the whole kid touching thing.

Lil Rounds
The Way You Make Me Feel

Do you think Lil Rounds chats about BBQ with Anoop? If my last name was Rounds and I had three kids, you should know I would not have passed up a chance to name one Ground. And yes, she is singing The Way You Make Me Feel. Her outfit makes me feel yucky. Sweetie. Why did you cut up a Mandrell Sister hand-me-down and pair it with high-waisted pants when your have a generously-sized ass?

Lil Rounds: Her outfit was shit

Drink every time Randy says, you know what’s great about you? I don’t really know what he was talking about when he said she put a brand-new spin on it. It sounded like the original, except Lil Rounds was singing it. Don’t get me wrong, I think she has a fairly decent voice, but I also think she’s been a bit overhyped. Her performance was fine, but I’ll forget about it in about 10 minutes.

Glam squad, way to go?? Oh yeah. Coming from the chick wearing a bird strangled in gilded ivy. This should be enough for Lil to know she lose that look. Simon, naturally, is completely right on and also says she looks like shit.

But I’m buoyed by the hope Paula’s ridiculous comments indicate she’s at least drunk, so this night could very well improve.

Scott MacIntyre
Keep the Faith

My friend Rachel has already text me to say he kind of sucks, but I can’t hate on the blind guy. Although he is singing a song I don’t know and the word faith is part of the title, I still don’t want to hate on the blind guy. But I pretty much hate this song and am inclined to agree with Rachel a bit. I’m also starting to wonder the reasons why Scott adores wearing military-esque jackets. Interesting. Yeah, I can’t hate on the blind guy. The dude danced with a walking stick, for chrissake.

Scott MacIntyre: Cannot see the annoying swaybots

Simon hated the song. Because no one knows it. SNAP.

It’s fine being artistic. Just not on this show.

Yup. Simon pretty much just summed up this entire show in eight words. Brilliant.

Rachel points out that it looks as if Paula is wearing Liberace’s dog tag. YES! YES! YES! Who doesn’t love the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection

Danny Gokey
P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)

Oh phooey. We only got to see Gokey’s family tonight! Damn. Bet they’re saving Pastor Rolex for next week. Wow. Now I am also a bit disappointed Gokey’s glasses don’t match his shirt completely, and frankly, using two different shades of burgundy is a tad distracting. He should have gone with the black pair to highlight the black tweed in the blazer, although that tattooed eagle on the back makes me want to build a time machine so I can go back in time and prevent Ed Hardy’s birth.

Yeah. I’m just having too much fun critiquing wardrobe selection this evening.

Danny Gokey: Did not mention dead wife tonight

Gokey’s voice is solid, yet, I can see how his performance style was clearly developed in a theatrical church setting. He does know how to play to a crowd in a very church-like way. His dancing…uh…um…yeah. I finally get why his dead wife compared him to Taylor Hicks. (Hmmm…I wonder if he, too, will be forced to go out on a faux-date as ordered by Regis & Kelly.)

I think Paula just got a refill. I also think she climaxed during his performance. She is a bit flushed. She also says he’s going to the finals (as she claims she also did with Farmbot Underwood). All the judges sing his praises. It’s a big obnoxious to watch them slobbering over one another. Subsequent shots of Paula add credence to my belief she climaxed during his performance. She even offers to choreograph him. Bom chicka bom bom.

Michael Sarver
You Are Not Alone

Yay! Roughnecks. And oh, Michael didn’t have a Daddy. Pimp that tragic back story, roughneck boy! Your mother knows how to play the game, take a lesson from your momma.

Michael Sarver: Nice guy but boring

Ballads bore me to tears. He was fine, I guess. Simon is tired of the roughneck story but goddamnit! Roughnecks are more fun than churchgoers! And the longer this guy stays in, the more I can quote Armageddon! The judges all like him and say how nice he is, blah blah blah…

(I am wondering if Go-To-Church-With-The-Idols will be next week’s pre-song packages. Or maybe Idol realized we don’t want to see these people’s houses of worship.)

Oh man. Well, we all gotta die right? I’m the guy who gets to do it saving the world.

OMG! YES! We’ve got a behind-the-scenes look at how Tranny Cake Makeup is actually applied! (Or they’re just using B-Roll from RuPaul’s Drag Race.)

Jasmine Murray: Yes. She wears as much makeup as a 38-year-old tranny.

Jasmine Murray
I’ll Be There

It would have been cooler if Adam Lambert was doing her makeup, yet I’m still frightened by someone so young using so much damn makeup. Pageant Girl is starting to make Tyra Banks look like the epitome of earthy, au natural beauty. Ah, the Wild Card contestants will have to do with taped greetings from their families acting surprised and happy while watching them perform on the show during daylight hours.

This girl might be able to sing, but she’s so ridiculously boring. Too technical, too rehearsed. Too damn pageanty.

Oh for chrissake, I hate it when Randy has to talk about his past accomplishments, just in hopes people might stop thinking he’s a boob. Blah blah blah. Now we have to listen to Kara. Blah blah blah. Why is some chick who never made it as a solo artist talking about stage presence? All this twit talks about is stage presence and radio play, being commercial and being a package artist. All this chick makes me think of is the movie Grace of My Heart. Except I would so much rather go shopping with Illeana Douglas any day over Kara DioGuardi.

Let’s just look at Paula again because it’s fun and I’m bored!

Paula Abdul: Please keep spiking her Diet Coke

Simon thinks she’s robotic. Yeah, Simon, I keep waiting for smoke to start coming out of her head and wires to start popping out of her ears, too!

Alison Iraheta is after the part of my heart reserved only for Joanne Polniaczek.

Kris Allen and Alison Iraheta: Pretending to arm wrestle for the cameras and America's vote

Kris Allen
Remember The Time

Hot-By-Default Fundie Boy doesn’t think Conway Arkansas is that small, but I swear I only saw one streetlight. Obviously, he busted his singing chops in church and with the rest of his family. In church. Here’s a family portrait of the Allen men being musical. I just keep wondering why they have a desktop PC clearly bought in 1998 and whether or not Compuserve still exists.

Kris Allen: His family may still use dialup

I’m going to venture that Hot-By-Default Fundie Boy’s wife is employed as an elementary school teacher. Hot-By-Defaut Fundie Boy’s wife embodies the traits of ever elementary education major you met while in college — bland sorority girl “cuteness” coupled by overwhelming desire to marry young and have picture-perfect abode by age 25, 2.2 kids by age 28. Oh. Lest I forget the overwhelming desire to show off your cheesy-ass wedding gifts to anyone that comes over.

Kris & Katy Allen: I hope your marriage fails miserably

Their three future children’s names will, of course, also begin with the letter “K”.

Hot-By-Default Fundie Boy is like some bizarro cylon-created hybrid of a somewhat cute, churchgoing, singing, guitar-playing boy I attended high school with who dated my friend Michie during freshman year before growing up to become a youth minister AND this sleazy almost-divorced idiot I knew a few years ago.

I guess his performance was fine, hell, it was better than the original just because I hate the original and can only remember some mind-numbing video about Egypt when I think about it. So it’s not great, I don’t know. I was still kind of distracted by his bizarro hybrid-ness. Paula says Simon is undressing her when you and I both know, she’s just hammered and her feathers are falling and sticking to the remnants of her Gokey-gasm.

Alison Iraheta
Give Into Me

Oh come on. Did we really need subtitles for this chick’s father? Just because he’s kind of dark, right? But hello? How much do you love Alison Iraheta’s big clearance furniture store concert??

Alison Iraheta: Spunky teen still plays clearance furniture stores!

I know she’s probably getting her hair dyed professionally by this point, but whenever I look at her, I just think about that issue of Sassy magazine where one of the beauty tips was DIY haircolor using Kool Aid.

I totally do not know this song, but I sincerely like this kid’s voice. And her look suits her much more than that nitwit Alexis Grace.

Paula is starting with the OMG SHE IS ONLY 16 comments. Groan. Oh, I think she has been doing it since she was 2 — hasn’t Paula seen La Princessa del Mariachi? YES! Alison make an awesomely awkward joke about not being a cutter when Simon told her to lighten up. It’s okay, Alison. I totally laughed, too! And her facial expressions are FANTASTIC. She is soooooo my favorite girl on this show.

Oh how absolutely beautiful. Anoop was backstage Thriller dancing before the break. Love it. Love it.

Anoop Desai
Beat It

How can you not love Anoop? He’s a Hindu in a master’s program at UNC. How can you not love Anoop’s parents? And yes! He is singing Beat It! I cannot wait for his dancing! He even has the turned-up 80s collar. Whoa, Idol. Love how you’re giving the smart Indian dude a Matrix-inspired backdrop. I still want to know how these are chosen, I mean, Lambert gets rainbows and Gokey gets heavenly clouds, so…

Anoop Desai: I don't care what any lame judge says about you

Anoop is entertaining. And energetic. He also gives faux-frak you attitude. Love him. I don’t care what anyone says. They are so gonna hate it. Oh come on, Paula. Why the hell did you give them Michael Jackson night and not let them do Beat It? You gave them the song list and said choose. What? You can’t see the entertainment value of his version? YES! Vote for Anoop! Bring his ass back next week! Oh Kara, actually, he did do some variant notes and shit. And come on. How gracious and polite is this kid? And Simon regrets putting him in the Top 13? NOOOOOO!!!! See? How can you win with these people?

Jorge Nunez
Never Can Say Goodbye

I like Jorge for some reason. Ballads bore me, but he’s the kind of person I like seeing get kind of far on a shit show like this, as he’s not had much formal singing training and is truly “undiscovered”. Plus, why not get a true Spanish singer on here? Let’s have them ALL sing in Spanish one night. That would be phenomenal.

Jorge Nunez: I don't care I like this kid

Kara is whispering to Paula about something over at the judges table. Probably about cougar-y stuff. Jorge kind of had a rough note at one point, so I know Randy will throw out pitchy, and I don’t care much for this song, but I still want to see him stick around. Come on, Idol! Give Puerto Rico something to be proud of. Jennifer “I’m not a Scientologist” Lopez and Skeletor are bringing the Commonwealth down!

YES! YES! YES! I love Jorge right now. Yes, English is not his first language, which makes it even more beautiful, because it all seems so innocent. He basically admits that they’re given a piss-poor list to choose from. YES! YES! YES! They’ll probably show him the door after his exquisite honesty, but as far as I’m concerned, he blatantly admitted what a huge sham this whole shit show is.

Meghan Joy
Rockin’ Robin

Tattooed Blonde Mormon Chick has wisely decided to dress like Katy Perry. And why are all Mormon mothers blonde and MILF-y? At least all the Mormon mothers of people on reality TV. I don’t meet many Mormons on the street, although I did one of those temple tours once, which was a bit freaky. So you know, my Mormon knowledge as an adult pretty much extends to things I read on the interweb, South Park and televised talent shows (AI and So You Think You Can Dance, which I watched the last season and was pleasantly surprised).

Meghan Joy: She CAWED for America!

Tattooed Mormon Joy does Rockin Robin to showcase her cutesiness and youthful buoyancy, but I’m always partial to tattooed Idol contestants, as well as those with “wacky” hair. I think she might have a few pitch problems? And this kind of blows because I’m totally bored. But I like her awkward dancing and OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.

CAW! CAW! CAW! She CAWED!!! WHAT THE FRAK WAS THAT? CAW! CAW! CAW!

Simon hates it. Oh, Simon, you just hated the caw-ing. How can you hate the caw-ing? Now they’re asking Gordon Ramsey what he thinks. But he didn’t yell and he had no mic so…

Is this over yet?

Adam Lambert
Black or White

One of the reasons I’m partial to Adam is that I also know what it’s like to hate one’s light-colored hair. I wonder if he chose this song because well, come on! Look at how he sang the song about equality?? This is the closest thing to a coming out EVER seen on Idol. He’s clearly not hiding anything. Sweet. Sure, I can see where some people may call him screechy, but he’s fun. He knows how to perform. The guy has talent. And yeah. I totally dig the fact he is a gay jew. Take that Fundie Idol!

But yeah, it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white. Or gay. Or straight.

Adam Lambert: The Grand Marshall of Idol Pride

Paula thinks he is the most seasoned stage performer in the history of Idol. She also loves the way he marries fashion with music, which is punctuated by her showcasing not one but TWO pieces from the Paula Abdul Collection!

Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection: TWO pieces!

Are you ready for your closeup, tacky cubic-zirconia door-knocker ring and Liberace’s dog tag? Adam has been moved to tears. She also has essentially predicted an Adam vs. Danny finals. Simon thinks he was in a totally different league than everybody else. Well, true. The guy is talented and he is experienced. And if the only way to make Captain EO work is to be over-the-top, come on, give Anoop some credit! Randy is in man-love with Adam. Kara hopes Michael Jackson is watching this tonight, although I doubt he’ll be very excited. Lambert is totally too old for MJ.

Hmmm…if Jorge and Anoop are voted off, I call bullshit. Idol is clearly trying to boot the tannest guys in the bunch.

Matt Giraud
Human Nature

Judging from his family videos, I’m gonna venture a guess and say Matt Giraud is a mean ping pong player. Giraud might also get the award for making the biggest awkward-to-not-awkward transformation from adolescence to adulthood. Naturally, Giraud is playing Human Nature on the piano. I can kind of see where this guy might pick up some comparisons to Justin Timberlake, in all honesty. Plus, Paula is swaying listlessly at the judge’s table, which is always a good sign. And he hits some high notes which Kara will cream over and Randy will call pitchy.

Is it just me, but doesn’t Human Nature always make you feel kind of skeevy when listening to it. Yup. Randy calls Timberlake and Paula & Kara want to bang him. Simon says he was solid but meat and potatoes compared to Lambert. Yawn. No surprise.

I now remembered why I find this song so damn skeevy and have ever since I was 6 or 7. It was the outfit worn by Michael Jackson to on the cover of the single. YES! Men in that much yellow can kind of make a girl get the piss shivers, ok?

This Michael Jackson photo has always given me the piss shivers

Oh shoot me now. Actually, don’t shoot me. Shoot Alexis Grace, who has furthered my crusade of hatred against this stupid wannabe twit in a single shot of her primping in front of a mirror backstage. The only consolation I have is that I know my Tivo will cut off before she’s done. I can miss the judge’s pathetic fawning.

Alexis Grace
Dirty Diana

Oh shut the hell up already. And stop with the fake tears for your little girl. That’s so lame.

She is hurrying through this first part, I think. It sounded a little rushed, the first few bars/lyrics. This bitch reminds me of a blond Jennifer Love Hewitt and frankly, that’s one of the worst things I can ever say about a person. She’s way too full of herself for being so mediocre, much like Jennifer Love Hewitt, who inexplicably remains employed in these troubled economic times.

Alexis Grace: I hate this lame twit

The only thing nice I can say about Alexis Grace is that she may have begun using a gradual self tanner, however, I think the producer’s are doing her a favor by letting her sing on a dimmed stage to create the illusion that’s she’s not frakking Casper.

I hate her. The judges will love her. Kara busts out her totally lame Carrie Bradshaw imitation and tells her she is naughty. Simon, thank flying spaghetti monster, was not impressed. He thought she was over the top (but wait…I thought that was what she was supposed to be…?) and obviously, not as good as she thought she was.

Alexis sucked donkey balls, but you know the pimp spot means the twit ain’t going anywhere.

And Idol, just because a gay dude is probably gonna win this damn thing and make you more money than most, if not all, of your other male winners doesn’t mean you’ve now become diverse. What, you think GLADD is gonna give you an award now or something? Go frak yourself. Keep the tan dudes in, too. (Spraying down Alexis Twit with Mystic soooo does not count!)

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. Lindsey permalink
    March 12, 2009 3:31 am

    This is by far the greatest Idol review I have ever read. Shit. It is downright amazing.

  2. AIFan permalink
    March 11, 2009 6:18 pm

    Did Paula have a really bad eyelift ?

  3. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    March 11, 2009 4:40 pm

    I never thought I’d see someone do bird calls on Idol. That was a genuine surprise not to mention a genuine mess. This was not Megan’s night.

    I see the new version of Danny has been released. Danny 2.0 is peppy and up-beat as opposed to tragic and inspirational – but just as boring. Danny is a snooze and a half. Taylor Hicks seems incredibly exciting by way of comparison.

    Adam was all over the stage like a wild animal. His star power is off the scale and he has the vocals to back it up. If he can find something to sing for Grand Ole Opry week he might really be a genius.

    I felt bad for Anoop but it’s hard to sing that song and not have it sound like bad karaoke. Overall this was probably just a minor setback for him.

    Alexis was a surprise. I liked her. She’s quickly becoming my favorite female this year.

    Kris was incredibly cute but that’s about it. I hope he hangs around though. Did I mention he’s incredibly cute? Heh.

  4. Scott permalink
    March 11, 2009 1:55 pm

    I love your comments. 🙂

    Or they’re just using B-Roll from RuPaul’s Drag Race – I might have just choke laughing so hard!! Im waiting for Paula to tell her to “Dont F it up!” LOL

  5. vickyvicks0 permalink
    March 11, 2009 1:48 pm

    they were too harsh on anoop. TOO HARSHHHHHHHH!!
    lol for me the only one that could release the song he sang on the radio is kris. it was hot(and he is not even mah fave).. agree with the jason mraz vibe thingy.. really enjoyed his performance. really good.

  6. spinshack permalink
    March 11, 2009 12:59 pm

    I liked Alexis Grace that one week. Must have been wine blind.

  7. pinky permalink
    March 11, 2009 2:10 am

    And I loved Human Nature. Why? Why? Because apparently I like Justin Timberlake part 2. I didn’t even remember that kid’s name until tonight. I’ll probably forget it next week. But for now, he’s my fave. Oh and you’re not ripping enough of Jasmine. She annoys the crap out of me.

    • TopIdol permalink
      March 11, 2009 2:12 am

      Tranny Cake Makeup? Oh she annoys me, too. That’s why I posted a photo up close and personal with her pores.

      Sure she’s a nice kid, she just doesn’t deserve to be there.

  8. pinky permalink
    March 11, 2009 2:07 am

    I agree that blind kid has to go. Stevie Wonder you are not. You don’t need eyes to sing, therefore who gives a shit that dude is blind. I want him gone.

  9. March 11, 2009 12:01 am

    Not trying to be an a-hole, but the sight of Scott and his Blind sister dancing right after I watched Eastbound and Down sent me into a fit of laughter so intense I may have passed out for 10 seconds.

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