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America Voted: Singing Tan Kids Out, but Malnourished Ghost Chicks & Bad-Dancing Bespecled Honkeys In

March 11, 2009

The American Idol results show. One of the lowest points in television history, although this one should be able to go down somewhat easier, as Kayne West and Kelly Clarkson will be performing.

Oh, Idol. I didn’t even discover Kelly Clarkson until 2005, but she is still the best thing to ever come out of this shit show.

Kara DioGuardi looks like a cougar at a funeral. The one who gets tipsy at the post-burial gathering and hits on your cousin Ted by cornering him in the hallway, breathlessly telling him I’m so soorrrryyy for your loss while steadying herself against the dead family matron’s favorite Thomas Kinkade.

Kara DioGuardi: Cougar Funeral Attire

Is the bitch shilling for Cache now? Or is she just pillaging Joan Collins’ garbage?

Who doesn't love Joan Collins??

Alas. Joan Collins rules. And Kara, you are no Joan Collins.

Ryan talks about the OMG NEW RULE. The Judges’ Save. They can jump in and save a contestant who is unfairly eliminated, and no one will go home that week. But on the following week, two will be eliminated. Yawn. Already read about this today.

We get to see the contestants move into some super big mansion, so it confuses me that they’re forced to share rooms in a place with this much square footage. Granted, a lot of that was taken up by a couple of pools, a bowling alley, small stage and some jacuzzi tubs.

American Idol's Pimp Pad

If this show wanted to actually be entertaining, they should really copy the UK’s Big Brother, utilizing the Fox Reality Channel after this shitfest airs, since no one ever actually watches that shit. That way, we can watch the contestants at night and see their true colors emerge under the reassuring glow of infrared lighting late at night. America will finally see what a twat Alexis Grace happens to be and maybe be can be treated to some Realist vs. Fundie battles, a la America’s Next Top Model.

I might actually watch that shit.

And tonight’s torture begins…with a medley of Jackson 5 hits!

Oh Idol, you are too, too cruel. 

Poor Man’s Timberlake and Jorge bust out some Jackson-esque dance moves to kick off the cacophony, handing it off to judges’ pets My-Ass-is-Not-Lil Rounds and Malnourished Casper Twat. Then Sarver and Gokey get into the groove. How much do you want to bet they pray immediately before they take the stage?

Jesus, this song is for YOU!

Baby Jesus, this song is for YOU!

Gokey keeps trying to dance. The choreography is miserable, however, this is a constant of Idol Group Sings. I also want to hit myself for wondering why the cameraman didn’t zoom in on Scott MacIntyre during the lyric: Oh, darlin, I was blind to let you go.

Come on. You know you thought about it, too.

Another Wednesday, Another Nightmare

Another Wednesday, Another Nightmare

As the ambitious young Idols transition into ABC, I realize how awesome it would be to watch a Katie Holmes vs. Jasmine Murray Robot Showdown. I’m not sure what they would do exactly, besides be robotic. But it could be really funny. Every time I see either of them, I long for the warm, loving arms and wise, knowing eyes of a Centurion. 

Jasmine Murray still has her inhibitor installed, unlike the cylon centurions

Hell, Cylon Centurions had their inhibitors removed, giving them the power of reason. Which gives them the leg up on Jasmine Murray and Katie Holmes.

I really with the Centurions would storm in and attack the Idol stage right now because TBTB decided it was a really awesome idea to give Gokey a full-on dance solo.

No. Stop. Please. Stop.

No. Stop. Please. Stop.

Ok. Now they finally show three people I like

I like all of you.

I like all of you.

…Before moving on to the dumb bitch who makes the residents of your nearest trailer park look like old money bluebloods.

I do not like you.

I do not like you.

The “hidden audition” nestled in the first round of umpteen commercial breaks was awww, Nathaniel Marshall. I hope he’s doing well. 

Ryan recaps last night’s shit show. I’m just hoping Jorge and Alison get to stay, despite DialIdol’s predictions. I’m trying to stay positive, however, since they have proclaimed ANOOP safe.

Oh who cares. Get this shit show going. I just want to see Scott MacIntyre driving in a Ford in the first of many horrendous Ford commercials and obviously, what exquisite jewelry Paula is wearing from the Paula Abdul Collection.

Idol contestants superimposed on buildings while forcing Freddie Mercury to turn over in his grave…Adam Lambert’s head on a car…way too much Malnourished Casper Twat…

Giving head on Idol

Giving head on Idol

Michael Sarver is safe…yawn…although this does mean I get a couple more Armageddon quotes in this season…

Uh, Noonan’s got two women friends that he’d like to see made American citizens no questions asked. Max would like you to… bring back eight-track tapes. Not sure if that’s gonna work, but, uh, let’s see what else. Um, Chick wants a full week’s Emperor’s Package at Caesar’s Palace. Um – hey, you guys wouldn’t be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya? 

La Princesa del Mariachi is safe! Yay! I love Alison Iraheta.

Please oh please oh please say Jasmine Murray is in the Bottom 3…YES YES YES!!!!

Poor Man’s Timberlake is safe…

Hot-By-Default Fundie Boy and Tattooed Mormon Joy are forced to stand up…our poor, sweet caw-ing beauty is in the bottom 2 with Miss Teen America Robot…and…

YAY! Tattooed Mormon Joy is allowed to stay and caw another week! Whoo hoo! (See, you guys really need to listen to Chris Kirkham and Greg the Rabbit!) Miss Teen America Robot is sent back to the Basestar…but she is forced to sing once more so the judges can decide whether or not they want to save her. Oh, come on. Like they’re gonna waste their one save on the first one to go. Paula will tell her she looks beautiful. Then they will say, bye bye, Miss Teen America Robot, go back to your Basestar. 

Back to your Basestar

Back to your Basestar

Oh, I was wrong. They let Randy do all the talking. Because Randy is black and so is Jasmine. My heartstrings almost get slightly pulled when Miss Teen America Robot starts crying and Seacrest tries consoling her, because frankly, I think its the most emotions I’ve ever seen either of them display. I’m waiting for wires to start popping out, repeated, monotone cries of does not compute, does not compute.

Yeah. Jasmine was a waste of that Wild Card slot. Told you. Now go give Ju’not Joyner a call to fill your quota. That dude deserved it. He took a cortisone shot in the ass for you, Idol! Oh, and I’m glad Jesse Langseth got sent back to Minnesota so you could have OMG SHE IS SO COMMERCIAL Miss Teen America Robot in the competition.

Whatevia. She’s gone. Moving on…I can’t really feel bad because she deserved to go home and I just want the kid to go to college and do good for herself. See? I’m totally caring!

I’m kind of surprised Kanye West is slumming it on Idol. I do love this song. The guy may be a pompous prick but he’s an innovative musical genius when it comes down to it. He’s doing okay, phoning it in, I guess. But that’s kind of better than 99% of everything on this crapfest.

I swear, idiot teenagers will scream over anyone or anything. It seems they’ve been allowed at the judges’ table because the judges are nowhere to be found (i.e., Simon needs a Marlboro Light and Paula needs to chase down a valium with the Popov Vodka she stole from Debbie the Stage Manager or Kieran the Light Guy, and this shit is taped beforehand).

I must say, I am enjoying how Kanye taunts and teases the teenagers without letting them touch him. Yeah, you best not be touching Kanye. 

I almost make faded denim look cool

I almost make faded denim look cool

Commercial break…

Scott MacIntyre is safe. (Please let him dance with his walking stick or drive next week. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE)

Obviously, yet unfortunately, Malnourished Casper Twat is safe. (And I realize the “Bottom 2” will be Jorge and Anoop. Ugh. I hate you America.)

Gokey is safe. Duh.

Anoop, Adam, Jorge and Lil are left. Seacrest, of course, sends Anoop to the middle. Poor Jorge is toast. Puerto Rico should have voted harder.

Obviously, Adam Lambert is safe. F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S.

Whatever, poor Jorge still confirmed everything we knew about Idol’s shitty song lists tactics. Awww…poor Jorge knows he’s going home. Damn you, Idol. Oh, and I see you’re totally singling out the tannest dudes in the bunch. Was that intentional? Or did you just want to make us believe people listened to your bullshit critique of Anoop?

Anoop will reign supreme! At least for a few more weeks. I’m just pissed I’m gonna have to hear that god-awful Farmbot Underwood song for a SECOND time tonight.

RETURN OF THE ONLY TRUE AMERICAN IDOL!!!

Kelly’s outfit kind of sucks but I still love her. Seacrest admits to singing along to My Life Will Suck Without You…which leads into the evening’s requisite homo banter between Simon and Seacrest.

I am so much better than all of you

I am so much better than all of you

I totally love Kelly Clarkson and I totally downloaded her album yesterday. Her music speaks to me. Especially after a few drinks. It took me awhile to deal with this, in all actuality, but I eventually accepted the fact I couldn’t hold it against her she was on this shit show and that the majority of her songs are actually good. Four years later, I have completely come to terms with my love for Kelly Clarkson and will readily admit it. Plus, its a lot of fun to sing Kelly Clarkson karaoke with my buddy KB, who also readily admits to peeing in the shower.

Although I am totally wondering if she is getting fed her lyrics? Oh come on. Like she wouldn’t know them by now…However, check out the teleprompter(?) in this scene:

 

I don't need the teleprompter.

I don't need the teleprompter.

I am totally loving Kara DioGuardi watch Kelly up there on stage. Jealous bitch in her Joan Collins hand-me-downs. Yeah, it wasn’t you. You didn’t become a singing superstar. Get over yourself.

Simon gives a rare standing ovation, but he’s always been Clarkson’s biggest fan.

Now back to the two tan dudes being persecuted on Idol. Predictably, Anoop is safe. And I kind of want to cry for Jorge. Poor Jorge. Stuck with a shit song he never even wanted to sing. I would have liked to have seen him stick around a little while longer. And now he has to pack all of his things and leave the grandiose mansion 😦

 

Jorge, you were totally screwed.

Jorge, you were totally screwed.

Sad, too. You know he was probably a super nice guy who even offered to show Malnourished Casper Twat all the amazing benefits of a little sunlight. And she was probably a total stuck-up snot to him. Then she ran off to the Jacuzzi to bathe in blood, as she does every evening.

Paula, dressed in her bordello finest and donning her best Paula Abdul Collection jewelry outstretches her arms for a final time, just as any good cougar would do when a young, nubile ballader is about to leave her embrace.

 

Please buy my jewelry

Please buy my jewelry

Paula and Kara should really think about starting up a Cougar Cruise, kind of like what Rosie O’Donnell did, but more like taking a ship full of cougars to the world’s most stunning ports of female sex tourism.

Come on, you know you love Paula. Who doesn’t love Paula?

But I kind of want to cry a few little tears right now. America, you are sooo racist.  

And Idol, you so screwed that poor kid with your shitty song list. I am so sending my army of Cenurions after your ass.

Sending my cylon centurion in to beat your ass

And then I’m gonna send Harry Stamper in. And he’s gonna drill. And he’s the bravest man you never met. 

Harry Stamper will kick Idol's ass

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. March 13, 2009 7:09 pm

    Um, can I just say that I absolutely love your breakdown.
    Your snark and sarcasm with a big dose of reality is a
    welcome change from all the other idol blogs.

    Thank you.

    Anoop is the only one that keeps my attention. He’s the only
    reason I’ve succumb to the horror that is AI after avoiding it
    for 7 years.
    It’s about
    time Idol had a little desi representation. =)

    I’m pushing for Anoop all the way, but if he gets axed
    I’m throwin’ all my votes to Allison.

  2. U Might Be A Redneck If You Watch American Idol.... permalink
    March 13, 2009 4:08 am

    Idol hates black and brown People! -Kanye 🙂

    The ignorance of some of these tards expressed in comments from that frau about “blue eyed Hispanics” makes me cringe, and ashamed to have watched this show as long as I did, if people like THAT constitute the audience that watches this POS show. Has Idol always been this bastion of “white trash redneck conservative lonely middle aged housefrau”? Cancel my subscription to this BS……

  3. March 13, 2009 1:25 am

    I think it was a love dance designed to attract Adam’s eye. Adam better watch out, look what happened to Danny’s last partner!

    TIP: Just don’t go to sleep anywhere near him.

    • Sane Jason Fan permalink
      March 13, 2009 3:29 pm

      I don’t think Danny is Adam’s type. Now Kris, that’s a different story….

      • Sane Jason Fan permalink
        March 13, 2009 3:34 pm

        I’m know I’m replying to myself but apparently Adam and Kris are rooming together making that THE room to be in.

  4. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    March 13, 2009 1:10 am

    I think the dance was planned. Everything on Idol is planned. It’s their attempt to combat the widower backlash and make Danny seem cool and exciting – complete with pelvic thrusts. Someone needs to tell them they’re fighting a losing battle.

  5. March 12, 2009 10:57 pm

    To me it looked like Danny’s little dance at the end of the group sing wasn’t supposed to be part of the show. It kind of seemed like he was hamming it up for the camera, impromptu. I’m sticking with this idea, because it means I can dislike him just that little bit more.

  6. Goatlove permalink
    March 12, 2009 5:29 pm

    sorry, just listened to another meghan song. i’ve changed my mind. she sounds like offspring of feist mating with amy winehouse.

  7. Goatlove permalink
    March 12, 2009 5:22 pm

    sorry for a late comment, just watched both episodes last night.

    blind dude needs to goooooooooo. he’s horrible. pretend you’re blind when listening to him and you’ll cringe. it’s not like he’s got down syndrome and this is the special olympics version of ai. he’s blind and i’m not deaf. dude last year had a collapsed vocal cord and gasped his way to runner up. and as far as i know, vocal cords are involved somehow in making good sing-songs. i’m calling it now, he gets booted and rescued by the judges showing their “sensitive” side. also, i’m sick of the judges saying they are glad they are up there with their [insert musical-instrument-that-will-help-mask-your-terrible-singing here]

    meghan’s mom is hot. total gilf. and meghan is a milf. she needs to stay just so we can see more of both of them. she also sounds a lot like feist which i’m a fan of.

    compare:

    besides, she caw’ed. priceless.

    your previous night’s post with the arkansas reference about elementary school major was spot on. we’d call it the m.r.s. degree at the university of arkansas. but the dude is good and likeable. but boring. so bye bye.

    you know jasmine wouldn’t last because ai voters only vote for black singers that act “black”. otherwise, if they act too “white” it makes the prejudiced feel uncomfortable having their mind stretched too far. they are always the first to get kicked off the show. she should have shook her head back and forth, waved her finger, and said “oh no you di’nt.” then america would have given her another week.

    alison rocks. how old is she again?

    anoop so doesn’t give a shit and i love him for it. i want to have a captain and coke with the guy and kick back in our flip flops, listening to him tell me why a true bbq should never really use gas.

    adam is so very screechy it’s horrible. it’s exactly like axel rose… only it sucks. sounds really thin. and slash isn’t playing behind him.

    i can see alexis brewing meth in independence, missouri in about 8 years.

  8. March 12, 2009 3:15 pm

    By the way I think Miss Clarkson is great. It does have to be said that she could have been singing “My Life Would Suck Without Food”. Looked like she was definitely being fed her lyrics.

  9. Rachel_M permalink
    March 12, 2009 8:08 am

    I think I called this one. I told you that frauen do NOT go for the dark-skinned Latinos. And Hispanics think the show sucks so they don’t watch. As I see it, Alison and Anoop will be in danger next week because they are minorities, although Alison could “pass” for white (in the puny minds of the viewers). Mostly white trash and middle aged white frauen watch this shit show. Archuleta and Castro made it as far as they did because they are light-skinned and appealed to the crazy frau, especially Castro who coasted much longer than he should have by flashing his blue eyes. “How can Jason Castro be Hispanic and have blue eyes?! He must have some other ethnicity in his background.” [direct quote from an idiot frau]

    It’s a sad day. I will miss Jor-gay.

    • TopIdol permalink
      March 12, 2009 1:23 pm

      I would be willing to bet serious cash my Spanish-language fluency is miles ahead of any Castro child. Which is sad. At this point, I would find it reassuring if he got stoned with his buddies, went to Taco Bell and informed them Gordita meant “little fat girl”. Because that’s more Spanish than I think he’s ever learned.

      I might throw something, though, if Kara, Paula or Randy ever refer to the remaining Latina contestant as spicy. It’s up there with flamboyant, theatrical and regal.

  10. March 12, 2009 6:28 am

    “Col. Willie Sharp, United States Air Force ma’am, Permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I ever met.” I think what is missing in this blog is more cowbe…..I mean Armageddon. I have to say that I am loving Joy for, if no other reason, her caw at the end of her performance reminded me of the Playmate in Apocalypse Now Redux that has a bird act she re-enacts as Chef is taking off her clothes in a helicopter. As for most of the other contestants, I’ll let General Kimsey sum it up: “I’m not so optimistic. We spend 250 billion dollars a year on defense. And here we are. The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn’t trust with a potato gun. ” I, for one, would like the “full week’s Emperor’s Package at Cesar’s Palace” like Chick.

    I was thinking about what Paula’s brain must be like when she has that glassed over special K addict look about her. “Okay, so the scariest environment imaginable. Thanks. That’s all you gotta say, scariest environment imaginable. ”

    Keep up the good work.

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