Jesus, if you take the frakking wheel, will you PLEASE drive most of these people into a ring of fire?

Because nothing screams St. Patrick’s Day like Grand Ole Opry night with Randy Travis on American Idol. 

(Why is it “everyone is Irish” on St. Patrick’s Day, but no one goes around saying “everyone is Mexican” on Cinco de Mayo?)

Ok. Tattooed Mormon Joy looks BEAUTIFUL. Anoop looks awesome. Gokey looks pretty lame rocking the 80s collar. Sorry, dude, it works for Anoop and Lambert, but not you. Alexis looks like a Lot Lizard I once saw stumbling around outside the Iron Skillet off Hwy 70 in Kingdom City, MO. Lil Rounds is still dressing like Paula. And Lambert is F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S. Yeah, bitch. It’s the Gay Ole Opry, yeeeeee haaaaawwww FIERCE!

And Kara DioGuardi has now been forced to scrounge around Susan Lucci’s garbage for new clothes, since Joan Collins was like, bloody slag, get out of my garbage. Ryan admits the show is better after you’ve been drinking. Randy talks, even though no one cares what Randy says. Because Randy is like, the anthesis of E.F. Hutton.

We’re treated to some history of the Grand Old Opry. I just keep thinking back to the list of shit songs leaked to VFTW and just know one of these assholes is going to sing I Will Always Love You. We’re also forced to see Farmbot Underwood again, and I bet we’ll be forced to hear at least one of her songs, too. Why isn’t David Allen Coe a member of the Opry? Or Tim McGraw? Faith Hill isn’t a member, either. Bet she was pissed when Farmbot got in. 

Sigh. And please don’t have Gokey sing Forever & Ever Amen.

Michael Sarver
Ain’t Going Down Till’ the Sun Comes Up 

Because he is from Texas and a Christian Roughneck, Idol will MAKE him a country singer. (Why the hell is Randy Travis so damn skinny?) I always thought this song was about sex, didn’t you? The speed of this song makes it kind of difficult, I think. I feel like Sarver isn’t getting the rapid-fire lyrics out fast enough. I’m wondering where they found the harmonica player. He makes funny faces. 

Randy calls him baby. I get the piss shivers. He’s all meh on the performance, too. Wow. I really think DioGuardi is on here for the sole purpose of making Paula look good. Paula and Simon want him to sing country, but Simon couldn’t understand anything he said. And that it was clumsy. 

While Sarver is in the ill-fated first spot, I still think the judges are trying to keep him around for the Top 10. They need a country singer on the tour. Obviously. He will probably Bottom 2 tomorrow night. But I would at least like to hear him sing I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing before departing. Not because I’m a Sarver fan, or anything. I just love Armageddon.

That’s easy for you to say. I owe 100 grand to a fat-ass loan shark which I spent on a stripper named Molly Mounds. 

Allison and Kris seem to always be paired with one another in performance order. Elementary Ed M.R.S. Allen must be getting soooooo pissed seeing Hot By Default Fundie Boy surrounded by these chicks with “funky” hair all the time.

Alison Iraheta
Blame It On Your Heart 

Randy likes Alison but looks at her sternly and tells her not to be “too cute”. I actually like this song. And I really, really like Alison’s voice. But seriously, if I have to hear the How Old Is She Again bullshit one more time, I will scream. She’s La Princesa del Mariachi, damnit. Of course she rocks. She has also mastered the art of combining identical red shades somewhat, although the flower looks like part of her hair. Which is kind of weird. But hey, Alison is AWESOME. And she is sooooo not a cutter.

Oh christ, DioGuardi tells her she could sing the alphabet. Is the alphabet the new phonebook? Find something new to say, people! Paula offers some decent criticism, but I am mesmerized by her Paula Abdul Collection and luminous glassy eyes. Simon says she is rock solid but verging on precocious, because you know…SHE IS ONLY 16. Only kids can be precocious. I think Alison is wearing a light-up necklace, though? Is that precocious?

Kris Allen
To Make You Feel My Love 

I am beginning to love Randy Travis’ facial expressions when watching these people. And I begin to think about one of the most underrated film achievements of the late 1990s? Black Dog, starring Patrick Swayze as a truck driver and Randy Travis as the villain. This shit also featured Meat Loaf and Charles S. Dutton. It’s no Fight Club or Three Kings, but it is some top-notch straight-to-laser-disc fare, my friends.

Oh yeah. Back to Hot By Default Fundie Boy who is gonna sing a ballad. Personally, I don’t care what he sings. I just want to see Bland Blonde Elementary School Teacher Wifey make more bitch faces this week. Eeek. For a moment, he made me think of last year’s Mormon Eunuch! I want to dislike this guy more than I do, but his voice doesn’t make me wretch. He’s just kind of…there…he’s like Switzerland. This is actually a fairly decent performance. He makes some funny faces while singing, though, like where he appears to be wincing. Ok. Final note just made me wince.

And Bland Elementary School Teacher Wifey just popped up on the screen, forcing me to wince again. You know that chick’s all-time favorite movies are Pretty Woman and 27 Dresses. And she just loves all those shows on TLC with the litters and their parents, too.

Paula calls him vulnerable. But in a good way. Says something about pitch problems. Simon thought Kris was terrific. Please make a comment about ditching the wife so we can see more of her bitch faces. But there is no time for such nonsense! Because Simon is raving about Hot By Default Fundie Boy and actually thinks he has a shot.

Tender moments from my dawg Kris.

Randy is now calling him Tender Dawg. I think we should just stop now. Although it did lead to the Cougar Judges yelling out boyish and vulnerable. Thank you, Simon, for adding Tender Puppy.

Lil Rounds
Independence Day 

Oh, Lil. You need to try a new look next week, mmm-kay? That dress is just wrong. Sadly, her lipstick was worn by a friend of mine on her wedding day (at the request of the groom, no less). She says she was gonna R&B it up a bit, but I have no idea what she’s talking about. This sounds like an arrangement very close to the original. Ah yes, must have been that second-to-last note which made it full of soul. 

Sorry, doesn’t cut it for me. I don’t think it was an ambitious song choice, Randy, I think it was pretty damn boring. Kind of felt like she phoned it in. Since this chick is pimped so damn much…oh are you kidding me? Randy just suggested she sing I Will Always Love You. You know, because she is BLACK. Hey, I’m gonna give Lil props for NOT choosing that goddamn song. Paula tells her how beautiful she is again. Oh come on. 2 weeks in a row, Lil. This is not good. You need to quit this look ASAP before you’re hawking that cubic zirconia shit on QVC with Paula. Lil is giving attitude to Simon. She was actually almost interesting tonight. At least during judging. But since we pretty much know she will most likely be in the Top 4, I just can’t get excited about this chick because yeah, she might be good. But she isn’t as good as they tell us.

Adam Lambert
Ring of Fire 

I cannot wait to see clips of him with Randy Travis! Hell, the scene previewing the singing-with-Randy scenes alone has made this episode bearable:

A middle-eastern Ring of Fire? 

For me, I don’t see men wearing nail polish that often, so it kind of caught me off guard, but Adam seemed like a very nice guy and is, of course, a great singer.

I love Ring of Fire, but as soon as I heard middle-eastern, I totally thought of this shit movie I watched one hungover day called Music & Lyrics with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. Since he said he “found this arrangement”, he will therefore dodge any stupid “scandal” involving arrangements like Daughtry and David Cook (uh…but I still don’t see how Adam Lambert could be compared to Daughtry, so whatevia.)

When Lambert eye-fraks the camera, I find it amusing. It doesn’t give me the piss shivers like Greasy Constantine. Because it’s so damn gay. This shit is so damn cabaret. I would only enjoy this at a drag show or cabaret. The scary whitehead woman next to Randy Travis was sooooo not having it. Paula heralds him for being true to himself as an artist (read between the lines here, folks). I can’t begrudge this guy because he’s one of the most interesting performers on this show, yet, that is not a song I would ever listen to outside of going to a gay bar. Simon thinks it is absolute indulgent rubbish. And horrific.

Indulgent is this year’s relevant as far as drinkable words go. Randy compares it to Nine Inch Nails, clearly proving he has never ever listened to NIN. It was more Marilyn Manson than NIN, stupid dawg. Just because Cash did an incredible cover of Hurt does not mean Lambert sounded like NIN in his rendition of Ring of Fire. Come on, stupid dawg. I thought you “knew music”.

Scott MacIntyre
Wild Angels

I am intrigued by MacIntyre’s choices of jackets each week. I can’t explain it. But this song is about angels and God. Ugh. Wait. Now I realize I know this song. And it used to be fast. Wow. I had no idea I knew this much country music from the 1990s. Ok. Blind Dude, props for changing up the arrangement, but…

Yeah. I totally DID take that advice of “listen to it with your eyes closed”. Holy shit. Yikes. No. Stop. Stop. Stop. But I just can’t hate this guy when my eyes are open. Because he seems so sweet and I think about those advanced degrees he has from Oxford and shit. And how he is blind and has someone else’s kidney. Shut up. I can be sensitive.

Paula thinks he needs to get off the piano and mix it up so he can connect with the audience. Simon thinks she should can it. Simon also thinks his performances have been similar. Blind Dude again points out the fact these kids get frakked over “hat-picking” songs time and time again. Honestly, I didn’t like it, but the guy should get props for screwing with the arrangement, because I think it was a bit different from the original. And for once again proving this shit show is pretty much fixed.

(Yeah. The Idol wizard seems to be primed for full exposure this season. Funny, its when an acknowledged friend of Dorothy arrived in Oz, too.)

Ok. I just choked. Before the commercial, Seacrest tells us Alexis Grace has revealed people tell her she looks like Dolly Parton.

ghoewghouerahgrahegrhiaehgoihioaehroighiaeghrahgro WTF??? Malnourished Casper Twat is more delusional than previously thought! Christ, I loathe this dumb bitch. Send her back to the frakking trailer. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

If titties were brains or if brains were titties, Casper, you’re screwed either way.

Alexis Grace
Jolene

Ok, dumb ass. Jolene is not a “soft” song. Granted, she will most likely do a better version than Brooke White did last season, but I wouldn’t call Jolene a soft song. It’s an angry, desperate song about a heart-broken women pleading for some dumb bitch not to take the man she loves away. The original is fantastic. And so far, Malnourished Casper Twat sucks. I do not care for the arrangement and I find her “emotional connection” with the song to be completely false. It’s forced. Last year, Mormon Nanny smiled her way through it, proving she just didn’t get the source material, but Casper here goes in the complete opposite direction relies on heavy-handed emoting, making her connection with the song as believable as acting seen on daytime serials. Speaking of hands, I want someone to cut off her left one because its bugging the shit out of me.

Every time I see this idiot sing, I loathe her more and more. And I don’t see how one couldn’t call this performance completely indulgent.

Randy says there are pitch problems and blasts it, well, as much he can. DioGuardi thinks she lost her edge. Yeah, suggest another overdone song, people. Paula is slurring more and more as the night goes on. I keep waiting for a boob to fall out of her dress, but I know she is just positioning herself that way to show off her Paula Abdul Collection necklace. She uses the word vulnerable once more. Simon says its a little bit “soundalike”, to which Casper replies, what is soundalike. Oh come on. Trying to be that idiot Pickler, are we? (Well, I can’t wait until you make a visit to Pickler’s plastic surgeon.)

Casper promises to “dirty” it up again next week. Oh, please don’t. Simon has also had enough of this, as have I. And probably everyone else. There is nothing attractive about an ugly, malnourished ghost with pink hair rolling around in the mud, damnit!

Oh. Frakking. No. Please. No. No. No. Danny Gokey will be singing Carrie Underwood. And obviously, this can only mean one thing…

Danny Gokey
Jesus Take The Wheel

Gokey is not doing too hot during his practice with Randy, but Randy still says really nice things about his soulfulness. I just want to gag because I hate this song to begin with, and the last thing I want to hear is Danny Gokey singing about frakking Jesus Christ in a butt ugly white safari jacket.

The swaybots are in a trance. I want to vomit. The turned-up collar on the safari jacket is also exasperating his double chin. Not a good look for you, Gokey, not a good look. And please, goddamnit! No more songs about faith. Or inspiration. Or Jesus Christ. My living room is not a church. And I am not watching The Bible Channel, which shows that funny program where Kirk Cameron and some skinny Australian dude go and preach to people standing outside night clubs and in Times Square.

DioGuardi looks like she wants to hump him, but only during the second half of the song. I think Paula had another Gokeygasm this week. She thinks he was BRILLIANT. Thank you, Simon, for calling out his shit wardrobe. But I realize the truth in Randy and Kara’s criticism, except they didn’t quite nail it. They said the first half of the song, the verses, were weak. It wasn’t until he got into the chorus. When he started singing about JESUS. JESUS. JESUS. Because this guy is so damn used to singing about Jesus and trying to get a congregation in a tithing trance, that’s why. Hell, I’m starting to think his PYT (Pretty Young Thing) was about Baby Jesus.

Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster! Or Thank Ganesha! ANOOP IS NEXT! ANOOP! ANOOP! ANOOP!

Anoop Desai
Always On My Mind

Ok. I actually love this song. Willie Nelson’s version. And Elvis’ version is also stellar. I have loved this song since childhood. I even remember when my parents too me to a drive-in to see Honeysuckle Rose with them. I wore feety pajamas and had a sippy cup. 

Anoop provided SOLID vocals. His performance was all-around good. It was honest and sincere. It wasn’t showy. It was simple. AND his final note was quite good. These bastards usually lose it on that last note. His was excellent. I just love this kid. He’s just laid-back, humble, polite, intelligent, et al. He just comes off as a cool dude. I like that. He’s likable. AND HE WROTE HIS THESIS ON BBQ. How can you not love this guy?

You just managed to go from zero to hero.

Simon is LOVING Anoop tonight! YAY! YAY! YAY! Simon is totally singing Anoop’s praises. I knew Simon would see the light without Jesus leading him to it! DioGuardi even says it was the best performance of the night (so far). YAY! 

And even better, we’re following up the awesomeness which is Anoop with the stunning Tattooed Mormon Joy! CAW! CAW! CAW! (Please oh please say she is doing Patsy Cline. This will totally make up for you forcing me to get in a car with Jesus, Idol.)

YES YES YES! Ok, it wasn’t my all-time favorite Patsy Cline song, but I still adore it. And I know she will KILL IT.

Meghan Joy Corkrey
Walkin’ After Midnight 

I don’t care what anyone says. I love this chick’s voice. And she is absolutely gorgeous. Even with all the nasty glitter they caked on her eyes. She gives this song a completely contemporary, yet also retro, vibe. Her voice is perfect for it, and I’m totally digging the arrangement. And she even busts out her awesome dance moves! Sorry, I will take her cute-awkward dancing ANY DAY over Malnourished Casper Twat’s indulgent hand movements.

Randy, you suck. You thought she was gonna be a trainwreck. SHAME ON YOU. You must accept defeat. And Caw Caw Joy even has the FLU! And she went to the hospital!

SUCK IT, DEAD WIFE, SUCK IT! This chick got up there with the FLU! After a hospital stay! And she can caw! You won’t even do your own driving, Gokey! You make Jesus do it! And you, Casper, you are so jealous of Ms. Joy because not only is she original, she has a honest-to-goodness bosom. I know every night in the Idol Mansion, you sit there and twist your strands of “unique” pink hair while poking pins in a Meghan Joy voodoo doll. 

Matt Giraud
So Small

Oh fabulous. ANOTHER Carrie Underwood song. 2 people sing Underwood. Another 2 sing Garth Brooks. And 2 more did Martina McBride. Yawn. With the exception of Casper’s shit version of Jolene, the others who chose real, classic country artists were entirely memorable.

Poor Man’s Justin Timberlake isn’t bad, not at all. My buddy Pinky is all into this guy, but she’s like weeks away from giving birth so it could be hormones. And she loves Clay Aiken, so you know, I have to consider these things in making my decision. Anyway, Poor Man’s JT can play the piano and he can sing, and he did a serviceable version of a song I don’t know very well or care for, but I do want to see him do something a bit different, perhaps? Like I’m starting to wonder about his Great Balls of Fire, which I assume he’s sang like 20,000 times working at that dueling piano bar and all. But he does have a strong voice, I will give him that.

Kara and Paula are creaming over him, of course. Plus, he’s in the pimp spot of the night. Since we’re coming down to the final moments, and Paula’s speech continues to slow, she must make sure she not only praises Poor Man’s JT, but also showcases for a final time, her disco ball necklace from the Paula Abdul Collection.

Simon thinks he is great, compares him to Michael Buble. Randy thinks he was the best of the night. He calls him baby.

And I, once again, get the piss shivers. Oooh. Got them again when Seacrest called him Matt Buble.

Whatevia. Anoop and Meghan KILLED IT.