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The American Idol loves blind people and colored folk Results Show Recap

March 26, 2009

Apparently, I missed a somewhat entertaining night of this shit show. Of course, not because there were standout performances or anything.

And since I failed my few devoted followers (Wait, it wasn’t me! It was my DVR!), I’ve decided to make tonight extra special. I promise you, this may be one of the BEST Idol Elimination Show Recaps of ALL TIME! 

At least on my blog anyway. Hey, I promise to TRY, which is all I can really do. 

Shitty Motown Medley from Top 10 using vocal track. And how much do you love Megan showing her bird love yet again? She’s now wearing a dove on her dress! Last week, she had a blue rooster on her shirt and last night she had feathers in her hair. CAW! CAW! CAW!

Oh Megan, please don’t leave us. I will be sad.

Lil Rounds should have opted for extensions and not a wig. I’m just sayin’. The constant pimping of this chick needs to stop, frankly, since when it comes down to it, Alison Iraheta deserves to be the last girl standing. 

Tattooed Mormon Joy is so pretty. She also proves all the stuff about the vocal track is true. But whatevia. She’s the only girl with an obvious waistline. 

Megan Joy is BEAUTIFUL! CAW! CAW! CAW!

This medley is so gay. Like in the 80s-it-sucks way, not the Adam Lambert kind of way. Mainly because its spliced with classic footage and empty studio shots from Hitsville USA. Dude. This is American Idol. No matter how many goddamn Motown Weeks you have on this show, it ain’t ever gonna be Motown.

One time in 2001, I was shitfaced at this bar down by the Garden. Just your typical sports dive bar, nothing special, but it wasn’t real crowded and my friend Shane and I were trying to play darts but these idiots kept bothering us. And I was in rare form. One dude was wearing a crucifix around his neck about the same size as the one we see every week on Danny Gokey. I said, yeah, nice cross, buddy. He countered, what’s wrong with my crucifix? I replied, if I can see Jesus’ balls, it’s too big

Anyway, that’s what I think of every time I see Danny Gokey on stage. 

Anoop and Alison are so much cooler than Gokey

Scott MacIntyre totally wants to put those years of dance training to use but the mean Idol producers won’t let this happen because they want all of us to suffer. Frankly, I would rather see Blind Dude cut a rug over listening to him sing at this point.

I knew this was going to happen. Why? Because Idol is a shit show. They just have to launch into one of my Top 3 Most Hated Songs of All Time.

I want to cry. It’s an Idol Group Sing to Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. I hate Idol Group Sings. I hate this frakking song. My ears are bleeding and I have begun to scratch at my eyes when they raise their arms in choreographed un-glory.

And you sooooo know the producers were like, we’re sticking Lil in front because she’s black and this is Motown week. (Yeah, Ju’not Joyner, I still think you were SCREWED.)

Lil Rounds takes front and center because she is black and this is Motown Week

I’m only throwing in this photo for those IdolForum nutters who are furiously writing Kradam fan fic and photoshopping those two together in homoerotic bliss. Look how awesome it is! There’s even a phallic microphone! I expect one of you freaks to make a Brokeback Idol video with all the great Kradam moments sometime very soon. And when you do, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE send it my way.

Kradam freaks, enjoy!

FORD COMMERCIAL INSANITY

Right off the bat, I am saddened. Not just because I really could never get into Natasha Beddingfield’s Pocket Full of Sunshine but because Scott MacIntyre is getting out of the passenger seat. I think next week will be his last on the Idol stage (Sarver will go home tonight), so I was really hoping they could put him in the driver’s seat of one of these things just once. Alas. I will tell myself I’m back in my friend’s apartment by Emirates Stadium and we are watching The X-Factor, which would mean Blind Guy is, indeed, in the driver’s seat.

Scott MacIntyre would be driving if this was England

The contestants are walking around with some Bob Ross paintings and putting them together as if they were a puzzle, which is sad, really, since they are all rectangles. 

Bob Ross enjoys happy little clouds in heaven

Happy little clouds.

I accidentally paused it here and decided to take a picture because it made me giggle.

Pixelated but funny

(And is it Pocketful of Sunshine or Pocket Full of Sunshine?)

Hello Ruben Studdard. I never watched this show during his season, but I have always been rooting for the guy. He just seems so damn nice. Plus, it’s been WEEKS since I’ve seen a sweaty bald head on the Idol stage. 

Ruban Studdard sings

Is it just me, or does his suit a bit like pajamas?

Poor Tattooed Mormon Joy and Roughneck. They didn’t get to go on the private jet to Detroit. 

I feel really bad but every time I see Lambert now, I can’t help thinking about his not-great skin. And this kind of makes me feel like an asshole. I like making fun of people for being for dressing like a whore, wearing extra-large crosses, et al, and just plain suckiness. I feel kind of bad for making fun of a dude for having bad skin. Oh well.

Holy Kalamazoo! Matt Giraud is in the Bottom 3? No way! Oh, I’m sure he will be the first one sent back to safety, so whatevia.

Lil vs. Roughneck. I think its Armageddon for Sarver tonight. Yeah, you so know I’ve been waiting to say that since he made the Top 13.

I like this photo because it looks as if it could be a scene in a community theater version of Monster’s Ball.

Lil Rounds and Michael Sarver

I think Roughneck is totally cool with going home. This guy was happy to get on the tour, he doesn’t care if his journey ends here.

Jesus Christ, how much more can I love Tattooed Mormon Joy? She is totally thinking, oh yeah, this means I am probably sooooo safe. Love her. Of course, I also love the look La Princesa del Mariachi is giving right not. Because La Princesa might be a little scared considering its a 1-2-3 punch of Blind Guy-Joyous Bosom-La Princesa right now. (Perhaps they will make all THREE of them stand? Or maybe mix it up? Of course, this might throw off the numbers-challenged Kara, so who knows.)

Blind Guy, Gorgeous Cawing Megan Joy and La Princesa del Mariachi

Randy Jackson is retarded. Sorry, it might not be politically correct to make such a statement, but do you think I give a frak?

Randy Jackson is retarded

Joss Stone and Smokey Robinson are now performing. Didn’t this chick used to be kind of famous? I can’t tell you one song she sings, in all honesty, but I know she was in some shitty Gap ads. I recall her being the next big thing but couldn’t tell you any song. And all she’s doing is making me wonder where the hell Julia Stiles has been lately.

Ok, as I learned today from astute commenter, black don’t crack. However, while I know this may be true, wow, I just cannot believe Smokey’s blessed chocolate genetics have slowed down the aging process in such a most peculiar way. 

I heard

Gotta give the man props, though, because his voice is still in great form. And you know something? I want a cool nickname like Smokey. 

Seacrest is mixing it up and has called La Princesa del Mariachi safe, then Anoop. Oh gee? Is it going to come down to Blind Guy and Tattooed Mormon Joy?

And of course, Gokey is safe. Which gives him ample opportunity to smirk annoyingly while Blind Guy and Tattooed Mormon Joy appear to be laughing about what will be in store for them in a moment. 

Danny Gokey smirks

Gokey’s family looks way cooler than him. Especially the dude on the end wearing the aviators. 

Danny Gokey's family. Now with cool aviators.

YAY! Our precious Cawing Joy is SAFE!! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!

The blind leading the blind.

The blind leading the blind

And here are your Bottom 3. Before Matt Giraud takes his seat in safety. Come on. How much more obvious can it be?

Motown Week's Bottom 3

WHOA. WTF? So Giraud going first really hurt him that badly? Are you shitting me? Of course, if he did get the lowest number of votes, it could be just the wrench thrown into the judge’s plans of saving only Lambert, Gokey or Lil. Hmmm…I mean, we all know its gonna be Sarver, but a gal can hope, can’t she? (Granted, I did bet all the money in my checking account if Giraud went home so…)

Whatevia. This shit is fixed. Dude. I think I have decided right this very moment that Megan Joy needs to win this whole damn thing. Because she is FRAKKING AWESOME!!!

I love Megan Joy and La Princesa del Mariachi

Anoop is basically telling all of us that he would rather be standing in the bottom 2 than sitting next to Gokey. While Seacrest looks like a midget tool.

Anoop does not want to sit by Gokey

But we have to wait because Stevie Wonder is here. Shall we take bets on how often the camera pans to Blind Guy? Christ. Why can’t I stop thinking about the state of Lambert’s skin whenever they pan to him?

YAY! The cool chicks are jamming out!

The only cool chicks on Idol

Come on, pan to Blind Guy! You know you want to, key grip, you know you do!

Damn. Classic Stevie Wonder pretty much rocks. How frakking cool is Stevie Wonder? And to think he could have blown all of it with I Just Called To Say (I Love You).

This shot is beautifully ridiculous. And Anoop grooves better than Gokey ANY TIME ANY PLACE ANY DAY!

Anoop grooves better than Gokey

I swear I just saw Simon and Paula nuzzling one another. Why am I the only one who finds their relationship oh-so-very sweet? And hell, wouldn’t you rather have them at a dinner party any night over these two idiots?

Randy Jackson and Kara DioGuardi suck donkey balls

Ok. One more for the Kradam freaks. I’m sure you guys were all creaming all over one another when you noticed they were now sitting next to one another.

More Kradam Action: Kris Allen and Adam Lambert

And Paula is showcasing tonight’s necklace from the Paula Abdul Collection! You can even see how she used makeup to enhance her cleavage. 

More Paula Abdul Jewelry and Clevage

I love you, Paula. You are so much better than Kara. I know it and you know it. And that should be good enough, right. 

Oh how cute, Anoop was bowing down to Stevie! And they showed The Cool Chicks arm-in-arm again! I love Anoop and The Cool Chicks. I’m going to try and forget about the fact they keep showing random minority children on the screen behind Stevie in an apparent attempt to make up for no Idol Gives Back this year. I will focus on the fact Stevie Wonder just sang I Love You Barack Obama and then picked up a harmonica to go to town.

Stevie Wonder

And then he shouted I Love You American Idol and I realized something. Only Stevie Wonder could do that without it sounding completely ignorant and cheesy. Because he is Stevie Frakking Wonder. And he may have put on the best show I’ve ever seen on any Idol Results Show.

Allison, Hot By Default Fundie Boy and Anoop all bowed at the conclusion of Wonder’s performance. Therefore, I will ALWAYS show them love. No matter how terribly they sing and the fact at least one of them owns one half of a his-and-her apron set while also loving both Jesus and John Mayer. I’m making a big sacrifice here, people, but sometimes the magical wonder of Wonder can do that to a person.

Gee, I think Tivo is going to cut us off early. Hmmm…we’re already at :55 and one of them still has to SING FOR THEIR LIFE!!!

Yawn. Of course we knew Mattie Kalamazoo was gonna be safe. I’m gonna kind of miss Roughneck, and not just because I got to make Armageddon jokes every week. Or use Armageddon quotes with each recap. Granted, I’ve had tonight’s quote picked out for awhile but yeah, Sarver seemed like a nice guy and he knows they’re not gonna save his ass. He was just there to be a really nice, likable guy. His dancing is also making me smile. I probably enjoyed this performance more than all his others combined, in all actuality. He was relaxed, confident and almost fun. Alas. 

Michael Sarver goes home

Whoa. Like the judges are pretending to be undecided. Are they? No. Simon sends him home. And then my DVR cut it off. 

Houston, you have a problem. You see, I promised my little girl that I’d be comin’ home. Now I don’t know what you people are doing down there, but we’ve got a hole to dig up here! 

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18 Comments leave one →
  1. March 30, 2009 6:07 pm

    I want people to refer to me as “Blue-eyed Devil” from now on.

  2. TheVastMachine permalink
    March 30, 2009 8:21 am

    Great recap, but wondering if you can use “gay” just in “the Adam Lambert kind of way”. My brother’s gay and not in some nasty 80’s way. Anyway it just rubbed me the wrong way, sorry.

    • TopIdol permalink
      March 30, 2009 8:46 am

      The 80s way had nothing to do with sexuality. It was just a lame adjective. I recall “you’re such a gaywad” being a popular insult, too.

      I have no idea what a gaywad is. None whatsoever. I also talked a lot about “crud” in the 80s.

      Anything you read on here is pretty tongue-in-cheek.

  3. Earl the Butcher permalink
    March 29, 2009 8:37 am

    Danny’s family is amazing. I rewinded the DVR to see his dad there in the aviators. He looks like Fredo when he and Michael go for banana daiquiris in Cuba.

    Nice entry.

  4. MayYouBurnInHell permalink
    March 28, 2009 7:09 pm

    We’re not called “colored” anymore, that went out in the 60’s, along with “honky”, “cracker”, “blue-eyed devil”, “whitey”, “peck-a-wood” and “massa”. Understand ya bigot?

    • TopIdol permalink
      March 28, 2009 7:11 pm

      Um…it was a JOKE.

      I was kind of just pointing out how damn WHITE American Idol is.

      • March 29, 2009 5:09 pm

        Clearly. CLEARLY some of your readership is as clueless as most of the Idol viewership. They wouldn’t know wit, or sarcasm, or irony if they put on their Sunday Best and waltzed in singing a three-part harmony of A Mighty Fortress is Our God.

        It’s ok spidermonkey. I got your back. You just gotta hold on tight, and don’t get blinded by my sparkly skin.

        Wow, I really shouldn’t have watched Twilight. I’m now in love with…*goes to check imdb to make sure he’s of age* HOLY FRAK THAT’S CEDRIC DIGGORY.

        See, I’m not 15, and right now, it shows. At least he’s legal.

        • TopIdol permalink
          March 29, 2009 5:18 pm

          Twilight…nooooooooooooooooo

          I’ve been trying to bring back the word “honkey” since I was 8. Still trying. Think I’m gonna have to kick up its usage in the coming weeks.

  5. allthatshirin permalink
    March 28, 2009 4:41 am

    C’mon, you should’ve used the word like VISUAL IMPAIREMENT rather than blind. Respect plz. Honestly I dont’ see Scott can go any further. By going this far it has been super duper amazing for him.Vocally, he is weak and beatable. America vote for him with encouragement, that is certain.

    2 bombs have been drop these 2 weeks: since when Alison and Matt deserve the bottom 3???? that just makes me fell of my chair!

  6. March 28, 2009 2:32 am

    Megan Joy is definitely cute… and i suspect that’s the main thing keeping her in the running

  7. WifeKiller permalink
    March 27, 2009 10:01 pm

    I’d like to kick Gokey in his smug face until his head was concave.

  8. March 27, 2009 2:16 pm

    I’m reminded each week, when Scott doesn’t go home, that Idol clearly is using him as their stylist, and has to have an excuse to keep him around.

  9. butterball permalink
    March 27, 2009 11:31 am

    No Idol Gives Back this year? The end of Battle Star, what is this world comming too? I have to go lie down, I am too depressed to go on. Maybe a replay of the medley will cheer me up, we can only hope.

  10. Rachel_M permalink
    March 27, 2009 7:51 am

    Fabulous recap!

    Stevie Wonder was great…way too good for this shit show. I kept waiting for the camera to pan on Scott, too. Robbed!

    I don’t care what anyone else says, Smokey has had a great deal of work done on his face.

    God, I hate Kara. She is so annoying. I wish we could vote her off the show.

  11. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    March 27, 2009 1:36 am

    I was seriously worried for Ruben while he was singing and was greatly relieved when his performance was over and he left the stage under his own power.

    Was Matt really in the bottom 2? I sense producer manipulation. If so, Caw Caw really lucked out. She was beyond atrocious last night.

    The Lil pimping was ridiculous. When did all the other Idols become her back-up singers?

    Brokeback Idol? I’d laugh but I’m sure there’s a reason why they ignored that second bed……..

    • TopIdol permalink
      March 27, 2009 1:41 am

      Can’t you just see Mrs. Katy Allen in the kitchen with Kris (wearing matching aprons, of course), telling him,

      Don’t try and fool me no more, Kris; I know what it means! Adam Lambert. Adam Nasty! You didn’t go up there to fish!

  12. AIFan permalink
    March 27, 2009 1:14 am

    That was hilarious !

  13. whoknew permalink
    March 26, 2009 11:43 pm

    TopIdol, I enjoy reading your recaps…very funny!

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