The Motown Week Recap: This will suck worse than all my other recaps

My DVR frakked up tonight. Damn thing keeps taping Daily Shows all goddamn day. Anyway, because I refuse to keep American Idol high up on my DVR food chain, it got bumped out the 8pm Daily Show rerun and the latest episode of America’s Next Top Model, where all the girls dressed as trannies and that irritating Benny Ninja dude came around and told them all their poses were sour.

Hmmm…this just made me think about how awesome a Madonna-mentor night on Idol would be. I bet Gokey would fight Lambert over who got to sing Like a Prayer. That’s the kind of shit that needs to be on camera.

Anyway, I’ve had to cobble this lovely entry together through random YouTube videos because I was too impatient to wait for torrents of this shit show. I’m kind of sad, actually. I arrived home happily buzzed and in a good mood, only to find I had no Idol on my DVR. Hell, I was the perfect amount of buzzed, too. I’m sure it could have been an entirely brilliant post because I was utterly charming.

Matt Giraud
Let’s Get It On

Giraud is growing on me, in all actuality. I like the fact he’s not pimping out a dead wife or trying to channel Axl Rose. Giraud is one of those guys who could probably release songs I like but I might not ever buy an entire album. His Let’s Get It On is solid and Smokey says Marvin would be proud. I just wonder if Marvin was still alive today, would he be using Smokey’s plastic surgeon?

Kara DioGuardi continues to irritate me more and more every week. Paula continues to amaze me with her lucidness.

Although Giraud went first, I will pretty much bet you everything in my checking account he is not going home.

Kris Allen
How Sweet It Is

Hot By Default Fundie Boy is a solid performer, but irks me because he’s a huge fan of John Mayer. Pathetic. His How Sweet It Is with guitar is pleasant enough, but this dude just doesn’t tickle my loins or anything. (Do chicks have loins?) He’s kind of blah. He’s pleasant but boring. But he has a really good voice and I totally see this guy sneaking into the Top 4.

I realized I really, really hate it when Kara says here’s the thing and mentions artistry. Why is she irritating me so much?

Scott MacIntyre
You Can’t Hurry Love

Since I’m watching/listenting to this on YouTube, I can’t really look at it if I’m typing. All I gotta say is that it pretty much sucks. Sorry, blind guy. I hated the soft beginning. I really do get, though, that he’s trying to bring a Billy Joel vibe to the Idol stage. It’s obvious.

Christ, the ending. More often than not, I really hate how songs are ended on this show and that was terrible.

Paula says he brought something different. She also loved the soft beginning. Thank flying spaghetti monster Paula has bouts of batshit craziness. She can’t be lucid all the time. That would make me sad.

Megan Joy
For Once In My Life

Once again, tattooed Mormon Joy looks beautiful. You can tell Simon thinks so, too, by the adorable leering smile on his face. Sometimes, Simon Cowell makes middle-aged perv look adorable.

And props to Ms. Joy for staying true to her bird love! She’s wearing feathers in her hair! CAW! CAW!

This performance wasn’t her best. Randy hated it, which honestly, just makes me want to like it more. I actually really like that song, too, and I think she could have knocked it out of the park maybe with something else? Not sure. But like I said, it really doesn’t matter because I like Tattooed Mormon Joy and I want her to stick around as long as possible.

The other judges blast her and Simon says she is probably in trouble. NO! NO! NO! I want to smack Kara again because she thinks she should have sung My Guy. Yeah, I think she could have sang another song, too, but you sound like an asshole suggesting that shit b/c you know damn well they have a very meager list of songs to chose from. Whatevia. Kara is just jealous because Megan is beautiful and has real breasts.

Anoop Desai
Oooh Oooh Baby

I will always be rooting for Anoop, that’s just how it’s gonna be. I guess this was fine, but a little dull. I think he really just wanted to do it so he could do the oooh-oooh-oooohs, which he probably had a lot of experience with from doing that a capella stuff at UNC.

I want to see Anoop kick it up a bit next week, but I’m positive he’s gonna be safe. Why? Because he is ANOOP.

Adam Lambert
The Tracks of My Tears

Ok. We get it. You can sing. You can shoot your voice up to these insanely high octaves. And you’re talented. You’re really talented. And OMG. Tonight you like, show up and LOOK LIKE A BOY HE IS WEARING A SHINY SUIT! AND SING A MOTOWN LOVE SONG! The judges are all creaming themselves over this guy and even gets Smokey and Berry on their feet. Yeah, he did a good job and now he has made legions of delusional women everywhere convince themselves he is straight. 

I also hope Proactiv is drawing up the contracts for him to be their next spokeswhore, too.

Yeah, the dude is talented, but to be honest, I’m tiring a bit of his super high ‘n’ somewhat screechy voice. I hate chicks who always wail, hell, Christina Augilara, Mariah Carey, all those bitches to is try and out-octave each other. Its not pleasant. I am starting to feel like I should group Lambert in with them. Just because you can go that high doesn’t mean you should do this each and every time you frakking sing. And I want to root for Adam Lambert, I really, really do. But I’m just not there yet. Of course, since he’s not going anywhere, I know I’ll be forced to do it at some point, just because I don’t want the yahoo-performing-next to win.

Of course, I really don’t care who wins this damn thing, either. Is  this a conundrum of sorts? I do not know.

Danny Gokey
Get Ready

Once again, I can’t stop thinking about Smokey and his daily Botox injections. I’ve also never seen a senior citizen wearing cargo pants. That’s cool, Smokey, that’s cool. You’re a legend, you can do whatever the hell you want.

I’m just thankful Gokey isn’t singing about Jesus. His vocals fine, but he’s never going to be one of my favorites. And while his vocals were solid, I don’t see why the judges drool over him (granted, I was only able to see a bit of Paula’s commentary on the video I watched on YouTube). This idiot could sit out for the next 3 or 4 weeks and probably still get way too many votes because people are stupid. He might have solid vocals but I have no idea why he is considered such a standout. There are lots of people with dead wives out there who love that Jesus. Why is this one so damn special?

WHOA. Check out Paula’s disco ball ring from the Paula Abdul Collection. That ring would be awesome if it doubled as a pillbox. I bet Paula’s was custom-designed for that exact purpose.

PLEASE NOTE: I am missing a few more performances and Fox removed a bunch that were on YouTube. Bastards. Anyway, I will continue to update this space. Which just gives you more reason to check back and read this awesome shit blog.

Alison Iraheta
Papa Was a Rolling Stone

La Princesa del Mariachi is in the pimp spot! Sweet! Guess they got scared after last week, since our beautiful Princesa needs to stay in the competition as long as possible.

I love this kid’s voice. And how happy am I for not having to suffer through any more Casper performances for the rest of the season (until the finale, I’m sure)?

Randy, you sound like such a jack ass when you use adjectives like dopest. Jesus.

Oh, I guess I missed something about Simon taking a Sharpie to Paula? Damnit, DVR, damn you to Gokey’s money-hungry church!