AI Extra: Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster Ace Young is there and Greasy Constantine is not
I apologize for not being motivated enough to write this late Thursday night, but I couldn’t make myself sit through it.
The next day, I was sent a link posted on Rickey.org which featured a most frightening image. It was so bad I had to start drinking at 4:30.
I am going to preface this season’s first American Idol Extra recap by saying how much I miss JD Roberto! JD ROBERTO RULES!! And I’m not just saying that because I know he’s stumbled over this this blog a couple of times. I was lucky enough to meet him in Vegas last June and he frakking rules. So I’m really sad he’s not hosting Idol Extra this year.
Surprisingly, however, I’ve never really had a problem with this Good Day LA person. Although think I get her name confused with some trainer chick on that Biggest Loser show who has a Wii fitness game? I kind of feel like she’s shouting at me right now. I wonder if I will start hating her.
One EXCELLENT format change is the addition of Ace Young, although I think they still might let Greasy Constantine hang out sometimes. Please, no, don’t! Ace Young is not greasy. And he’s a much better interviewer than Greasy Constantine, who believed interviewing consisted of nodding his head frantically and staring at the tits of whomever he is speaking with.
When he talks to Christopher Atkins, I am reminded of the fact I watched Confessions of a Teen Idol. Why did I do this, I’m trying to remember…oh yeah, was stuck inside my residence recovering from a 1st / 2nd degree burn in the dead of winter.
Wow. I had forgotten about the uber-lame Coke Couch.
Good Day LA chick and Ricky Minor have moved over to the stools and they start singing Tears of a Clown. I find the entire exchange kind of obnoxious. But then Smokey Robinson shows up, thank flying spaghetti monster. I am still in awe of the man’s forehead. Here, he is furrowing his brow but you barely notice.
And he remains the only senior citizen I have ever seen in cargo pants. Smokey thinks Michael Sarver chose the wrong song.
Sarver is brought out. He talks about how being on Idol was an incredible experience. He seems sincerely happy to have just been on the show and to have made the tour. You know Malnourished Casper Twat is still sobbing about her unceremonious exit.
Christ, Ace Young is talking to Kara DioGuardi and she is talking nonsense about artistry. First, what does this bitch know about artistry? She wrote Open Toes for Katharine McPhee. Second, a couple of weeks ago, Simon Cowell clearly stated…
It’s fine being artistic. Just not on this show.
So shut your pie hole, Kara DioGuardi.
Back to Sarver and Good Day LA Julian or Jillian? Anyway, just get on with the show so I can see this guilty pleasure nonsense.
Whoa. Here is some pertinent information presented to you by Garnier Fructis. Yes, my friends, it appears THIS is the woman responsible for the contestants’ hair. I am assuming this feature will run each week, as Michael Sarver is tonight’s featured contestant.
Jillian Reynolds! That’s it. That’s her name.
Sarver has written 800-900 songs since the age of 14. Then he talks about faith. And now all the contestants talk about Sarver.
You know, he has that like, Papa Bear energy.
And right now I love Adam Lambert just for that one little sentence.
Gokey talks about how good a songwriter Sarver is, which would have been a lot cooler if he didn’t sound like a complete asshat, saying how he’s going to steal one of Sarver’s songs and put it on HIS album. I’m sure he meant well by it, but it just came off sounding, ugh…
All the contestants say such nice things about Michael Sarver. It’s kind of touching actually, but for chrissake, Matt Giraud needs to get that goddamned mole removed from his forehead because it is now the only thing I see whenever he pops up on screen.
He makes Hot By Default Fundie Boy want to hurry up and have kids. Oh come on, Hot By Default, you just said that so your wife stops making bitchfaces.
I don’t see how anyone could hate Michael Sarver. He’s so goddamn nice. He also enjoyed playing basketball with Gokey and Anoop.
IDOLS AND THEIR GUILTY PLEASURES
Matt Girwart loves Disney movies.
Anoop loves CROSSWORD PUZZLES! Yay! Anoop! I love Anoop. Anoop rules.
Obviously Sarver believes in heaven. And apparently, when he gets there, its going to be all about watching sports while eating ice cream.
La Princesa del Mariachi loves sugar.
Blind Guy thinks chocolate is an essential food group.
LIl Rounds watches Spongebob Squarepants by herself. This is the most endearing thing I have ever heard come out of her mouth.
Lambert likes to sit in bed with ice cream while watching Gossip Girl.
The exquisite Megan Joy loves napping. She might be a narcoleptic! She claims she can nap ANYWHERE!
Hot By Default Fundie Boy loves spending the day playing video games and going without a shower. Wife Katy is giving bitchfaces right now because she was not mentioned in his guilty pleasure. And for some reason, I find it a tiny bit hot when he talks about spending the day all dirty, which I know is the direct result of my quasi-hangover.
Gokey rapes the audience with his hip thrusts before discussing his love for pedicures and facials. And the image is truly frightening, just as I imagined.
More Garnier Fructis, although this time, we’re forced to deal with Brooke White. Her and the hairstylist keep trying to channel Diana Ross. (because it was Motown Week. Duh.) And now we’re going to have to listen to Brooke White talk.
Brooke White’s favorite-ever Motown “jam” song is The Supremes version of Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. I like her even less. I then think about what would happen if John Mayer recorded a version of Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. It may cause me to jump out of my window.
I shudder in horror.
Jillian introduces American Idols Intimate or something, which will basically be them bringing back a former contestant every week to perform in front of an “intimate” audience. Brooke White sings Hold Up My Heart, which is apparently a song she wrote about a broken heart and trying to show someone you’ve changed, of course, she smiles through the entire beginning. This totally detracts from the song’s subject matter, giving me the impression she is not even connected to lyrics she uh, actually writes.
Ace joins Jillian on stage. This guy remains the best-looking male contestant this show has ever seen. Of course he’s a guy…on American Idol. Which insures batshit crazy fans! Ace talks about what it’s like to be sent home, and how it feels like you’re “kicked out of your brand new family.”
Ace Young. You are sooooo much better than Greasy Constantine. I mean, I knew this before but I just like saying it.
Now let’s hear the “surprising” music favorites of the contestants.
Sarver loves Bon Jovi. Lambert loves Bob Marley. Lil Rounds owns a Pussycat Dolls CD. Yawn. Matt Girwart is obsessed with Disney because he loves Disney’s Greatest Hits. Wow. Kalamazoo is a total Disney tard! Anoop loves Keane, which isn’t really “surprising” if you’ve seen this video of The Clefhangers performing She Has No Time.
Actually, for some reason I find that video totally awesome. I need a closer look at their vests, too.
Hot By Default Fundie Boy makes me laugh because he talks about being a child and buying a Kris Kross CD. Because his name was Kris. With a K. And then he might have worn his clothes backwards upon discovering Kris Kross, too.
Kris Kross turned me off pop music. Those little bastards got a record contract because they wore their clothes backwards and some record company exec was in a music store and saw them. He thought, oh wow. they wear everything backwards, they should totally have a recording contract. As far as I’m concerned, this was the day the music died.
La Princesa del Mariachi loves Abba, which she acknowledges isn’t surprising, per se. But she just likes it. And then she giggles. And I find it strangely endearing, why? Because she is La Princesa del Mariachi and one badass muthafrakker.
Blind Guy likes Jimmy Eat World, which is actually kind of surprising. Gokey loves salsa music and Celia Cruz which isn’t surprising.
Megan Joy concludes things on a high note by being utterly adorable while talking about the hip hop artists she loves. And then things go back to Ace and Jillian. And once again I am so very, very, very thankful I wasn’t forced to see Greasy Constantine on this even shittier-than-Idol shit show.